I own nothing.

I wonder every day if I made the right choice.

Most people would probably say that I had no choice. I had to do it to stay alive.

I'm just not sure it was worth it.

I still have nightmares about that case. Not about being shot. I'm scared, of course…if any man ever looks at me, I wonder if it's him. But it isn't my death that haunts my dreams. I see the car exploding, the shock on Olivia and Elliot's faces. They told me it wasn't my fault, but I can't shake the guilt. The fact remains that a man is dead, at least in part because of my actions.

I dream that Olivia and Elliot, John, Fin, George, Don…all of them are killed. I wake up crying, so homesick I can barely think. And that's when I most wonder at my decision.

Fine, I chose life. But I could have chosen death, and maybe I should have.

If I had died, it would all be over. Obviously. I wouldn't be scared, I wouldn't have this…uncertainty. Only two people back home know I'm alive. I'm sure…or at least, I hope…they would tell me if someone died. But what if Liv and Elliot both died? I would have no idea for the rest of my life, unless it happened to be on the news or something.

I hate that the only communication I can ever hope to have with any of them would be in response to a tragedy. But that's what I agreed to by choosing life. Losing my best friends. Forever.

I couldn't even go to my mother's funeral. I was distracted the entire day, and I couldn't give an answer when people asked me what was wrong.

This isn't what life should be.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I can't be happy with this life. Yes, I've met some nice people. I have people I can talk to about work and the weather. But I can never again have a friend like Olivia. We told each other everything…and I can't even begin to tell anyone everything now.

There's even a man at work who loves me. I think I love him too, but I still can't be happy because I can't ignore the truth. He loves Emily. Would he love Alex? Would he still love me if he knew that I fought to put people to death for their crimes? If he knew about the people I've failed? And if I do love him, how can I keep such a huge secret from him? If we stayed together, he would think for all of his life that he married Emily from Tulsa. And I would know he hadn't.

Difficulty is never a reason to give up on something, but it's ridiculous how many lies I've had to fabricate. I researched Tulsa until I became a veritable encyclopedia. I have come up with pastimes that I enjoyed with my family. I invented my college experiences, my previous job…so much. Too much. I don't want to forget that I'm Alexandra Cabot, but it seems like I'm supposed to.

I was meant to be an attorney. I never imagined myself as anything else. My job was my life. I had my friends, and we worked through everything together.

Here, I go away on weekends, I have time off…I have what many people would consider to be a better life. I don't have to see the worst side of humanity every day like I used to.

But at least I knew who I was then.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I just want to go home, even if it means my death. I can't take this life much longer.

I feel movement beside me and I look over.

"Are you ok, Emily?"

I smile at him, my chest and throat burning from the tears I'm holding back. "I'm fine," I lie.

He wraps his arm around my waist and sinks back onto his pillow. I stare at the moon, fighting to stay in control. As soon as I'm sure he's asleep, I let the tears fall.