Genre – General/Angst

Format – 2nd person

Couplings – Ryan/Marissa, Ryan/Sadie

Warnings – angst, cynicism, alcoholism… that's about it really. Pretty tame as far as my fics go.

Other – Written faster than a flaming bullet! Set in Season 3; Ryan is with Sadie, Marissa is single. Pre-Volchok.

Summary – Marissa doesn't know why she can't quite cope with Ryan and Sadie

Glass of Water

It's not because you love him, you figure, that you want to scream so hard your throat stings and ram your hand against a wall again and again until the knuckles are ragged and bruised and almost unrecognisable.
It's not because you love him, because you don't, and you're not sure if you ever did.

It's not because he's got a new girlfriend, because you did kind of want him to, and she's not some slutty Newport Bimbo, and she's not an ugly, pathetic mess, so any insecurities about his taste in women are basically dismissed. No, Sadie's pretty, and she's nice, and she's cool, and she's the kind of girl that you think you could have been friends with, so all in all things have worked out almost perfectly, for you.

It's not because you're jealous, because you're not, not really. Even when Summer asks you if you are and you say you're not, and she rolls her eyes like 'yeah right', and you know she's not listening because she's more involved in her and Seth's domestic of the week, you know it's not that, because jealousy, right, it's not even an issue.

It's not because you'll lose his friendship, or something, that she'll take him away from you, because one, as many people have said, you were never really friends even when you tried to be, and two he's already away from you, and has been ever since around a year ago when you first started fighting.

It's not because you can't articulate your emotions into something more coherent than a low, primal, growl when you're trying to explain it to people, and it's not because it's fucking ironic that you threw Johnny away for him, and now Johnny's gone and you're so fucking lonely that it makes you want to run to the next dysfunctional bastard who offers you a bed to sleep in, and it's not even because he's dating first, even though that's not supposed to happen, because you always have guys after you (or girls, whatever) because you're Marissa Cooper and if it's one thing you can be sure of it's that you're beautiful.

No it's because when you look at them, think about them, together, they're happy, and even though he loved you, for so long and so much, there was anger and arguments and alcohol and break-ups and sex as a weapon, and that smiling couple, that was never you.

She scouts homeroom for a seat as she blasts Hole in her ears and take a sip from the bottle of 'water' which makes things just a little bit less acute.

You were never happy.

Fin

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