Author's Unhelpful Advice Part 1, Section 1

Aloha! How's life for all you spammy Eva fans out there? *hears various gripes and groans* That's great. I've just read The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy so you may see some bits of that sprinkled in here. (but not very likely, seeing as that's plagiarism) I don't own GAINAX, nor do I own Evangelion, so if they sue me, then they'd be wasting their time. I don't speak Japanese. I don't own Volvo, or PEZ or even KoRn, so if they sue me I'll be in deep shit. I do own some bratwurst, but it's a month old and has an eye growing out of it. So read on, you might enjoy yourself.

The Author's Unhelpful Advice Cont'd.....

Now as you know Today is the start of Appreciate The Lesser Characters Week, or ATLCW for short. So I'll be taking you inside the realm of one of Evas most wrinkled Mac Daddies, Sub-Commander Fuyustuki. That's right, the big Kozo has decided that being Sub-Commander will no longer satisfy his manly urges to hold the 'end of the world button' and to drink milk straight from the carton. Be prepared, dear readers, for you are about to witness the birth of a monstrosity that can only rival that of a teenager's pimples, the one, the only the........UNDERDOG!!! *fancy music plays*

The Author's Unhelpful Advice Part 2, Section 2

I am in need of serious help, I have mental instability and I'm dependent on Mr. Pibb. So if any of you out there find this fic to be outwardly disgusting, illogical, lacking in plot, looking and feeling like women's breasts, or comfortably damp, don't say I didn't warn you. Also, I have read Neon Genesis Evanjellydoughnut and happen to like it. A lot. And I'll go ahead and mention that the author and all the other people in this fic are much bigger than the actual characters. Mixed into the fray is a poodle, some loose organs, lots of bratwurst, a pantry, some cotton plants, three Volvos and eighteen chipmunks with their mouth's full of roasted haggis. Enjoy.

In the beginning, there was a blank computer screen.....Then, there was Shinagami! *Shinagami sits at his computer (aptly named Sacheil ) and begins drinking his Pibb. Then he remembers he's got a fic to do.*

The start of the story....finally.

Roll scene, cue music, lights, camera action......

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1

Some would say that Kozo Fuyustuki was an uptight sort of man, who rarely does anything outside of work and was content to wander the bowels of Nerv forever. Those who knew him personally also thought he lived only to get work done. But Fuyustuki was an entirely different man, not one who was a slave to his job, but a lonely man of nearly 56, who wasn't married and who didn't have much hair left.

"Come in." Kozo grunted from his position at his desk, cluttered with paper work and the occasional PEZ dispenser.

Shinji Ikari was a boy some would call weak, cowardly, spineless, depressed, perverted, and dumb. The fact of the matter was, he was indeed weak, cowardly, spineless, depressed, perverted, and dumb. But he was all this for a reason, a very good reason. People didn't depend on him this way. Now he could shrug all the work off to someone else.

"Um.....The com- Father wanted me to give this to you...." Shinji said and handed Fuyustuki the paper.

"Hmmmm, Thank you Pilot." He read the paper in his hand. 'Do you think I should instigate the Third Impact? Check yes or no.' It said. Kozo picked up his lucky blue pen and checked no. It was the eighth time that day that Gendo had sent the note. 'Ikari, what's up? Nmh. I want to say please stop sending me notes, I'm busy. See ya- Sub-Commander Fuyustuki.' He wrote back.

"Please give this back to the-" Fuyustuki stopped when he saw that Shinji was attempting to leave. "Pilot! Give this to the Commander. Dismissed"

"Idiot! Why the hell would you tell everyone in school what color my panties where?!" Asuka yelled. However, even under her verbal beatings the form in front of Asuka didn't shy away, or immediately curl into the fetal position. "Well?! What have you got to say for yourself?!"

It was that time Major Misato Katsuragi decided to wander down the same hall where Asuka was busy berating a poor, helpless someone.

"Um....Asuka?" She asked the redhead.

"Don't give me your bullshi- What?" Asked Asuka.

Misato deduced the situation. Asuka was yelling at a soda machine, which was ever so subtly bent in the opposite direction. "What are you doing?"

"Well. I can't yell at Shinji before practicing. You think I come up with these great insults spontaneously?" She asked her guardian and superior officer. "See, did you notice the vocals bending the metal frame work?" She grinned. "The effect it has on idiot-boy is a lot greater, and more fun."

This seemed like a logical answer, but Logic had decided life was too much and jumped out of it's crop-duster, spattering itself over the highway, causing a bratwurst truck to hit a phone pole.

!^_^!

The author looks over his shoulder to find about thirty readers watching him extremely confused.

Shinagami: What? You didn't know Logic had a crop-duster? Everyone knows that!

As he calculates the meaning of purpose Shinagami takes another chug of his sacred Pibb and pops a Twinkie into his mouth.

!^_^!

Rei Ayanami stared at the Commander. The Commander was too preoccupied staring at Rei to notice Rei staring at him. When Shinji walked into Gendo's office to deliver the note he, too was immediately overwhelmed by a sudden urge to stare at Rei. Mostly because Rei was extremely attractive. Mostly because Shinji had a mild crush on Rei. But mostly because Rei stood naked in front of Gendo's desk.

"Something you need, Third?" The Commander's cold tone cut through the warmth spreading through Shinji's lower regions and snapped the younger Ikari back to his task.

"Yeah...um....Sub-Commander Fuyustuki told me to give this to you." Shinji said and returned his gaze to Rei's nice resemblance's of cantaloupes.

"Hello, Ikari." Rei said calmly, like she was going to school.

Shinji gulped and smiled weakly in return. "Um.....h-hi.....How's um" Shinji looked everywhere for a topic of conversation. The ceiling, the floor, the drawer with the 'end of the world button' in it, under the piece of driftwood next to Gendo's desk.... "I.....um....I see you have breasts...." Shinji said, utterly at a loss of what to say. //It must be Thursday again....// Thought Shinji. He never did know what to do with Thursdays.

"Yes, Ikari. Are you here for tests as well?" Rei said, her monotone voice killing any real arousal Shinji had been feeling at that moment.

"No....um....you cold?" Shinji noticed that it seemed several degrees colder than it should have been in Gendo's office. And Gendo liked it that way....especially when Rei was in for some....tests....

Shinji's eyes darted around Rei's figure before a cold voice, much like that of ice cream being nuked in the microwave caused his eyes to suck back into their sockets.

"Shinji. Give this to the Sub-commander. Then you are to proceed to the lab for some synch tests." Gendo flicked a reassuring smile Shinji's way. This made smile back and feel like things were looking up, until he noticed that Gendo's smile was directed at Rei, who calmly smiled back, despite her obvious lack of clothing. //Definitely Thursday.// Shinji thought as he tucked the note Gendo had given him into his pocket.

"Yes sir.....Goodbye Ayanami." Shinji said and walked out of the office, his eyes pointed at Rei no matter where he facing, until he left. Once outside Shinji cursed QVC for not delivering his X-ray glasses on time two weeks ago when Asuka had first arrived.

!^_^!

The author looks at his clock and sees it's 3:48 AM. The author debates whether to continue his little creation, or to hit the sack. Eventually Shinagami cracks open another Pibb and begins typing with renewed vigor.

!^_^!

Shinji wasn't a person to argue with the Commander. This had three exceptions. One: When he wouldn't let Shinji go out in unit 01 to help Ayanami. Two: When the Commander wouldn't Shinji go out in unit 01 to help Asuka. Three: Whenever Gendo was being a general ass. Today, was exception three. After reading the note to Sub-Commander Fuyustuki, Shinji thought Gendo had crossed the line. He would never tell his father, of course, but Shinji would think angry thoughts at him in the future.

"Sub Commander?" Shinji asked, peeking his head inside.

Kozo looked up from where he was. After he had gotten through with the paperwork, he had plopped down on the floor and decided to take a snooze. At Shinji's unquiet entry, Fuyustuki awoke with a start.

"What is it, pilot?" He asked tiredly.

Shinji folded up the note into a paper airplane and sent it over Kozo's way. Shinji didn't want to enter the old fart's office....it smelled like incense.

Fuyustuki caught the plane and unfolded it.

'Dear Sub-Commander.....How's it hanging? I just wanted to let you know that you are the best Sub- Commander I ever had. And I've had a lot of Sub-Commanders who've called themselves Sub-Commanders. Yes, I remember when I was a Sub-Commander....oh, wait....no I don't. I've always been the Commander. -Later

Gendo (Commander) Ikari.

"Ooh! Ikari always does that to get on my nerves! Always flaunting around his rank!." Fuyustuki fumed.

"Um....you want me to deliver one back to him...I mean...my Father?" Shinji asked hopefully, maybe Gendo would have Asuka in there for some tests........

"No, that's all right. That's all."

Shinji 'darned' and exited Nerv HQ. He walked down the road to his apartment. He was a block from the Victoria's Secret that he Toji and Kensuke always stopped at when a black foreign car zoomed up next to him.

"Hey there Shinji! Want a ride home?" Misato stuck her head out of the window.

Shinji looked over his guardian's new ride and wondered if she was mentally stable. "Um...a Volvo?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, Asuka said there were all the rage in Germany, Sweden, Switzerland and any other country with bratwurst and weinersnitzle." Misato said happily. "So I traded in my old car for this puppy." She patted the side of it lovingly. "I call it Pumba."

"Pumba? Isn't that a pig on the Lion King?" Shinji asked, amazed that he knew this bit of trivia.

Misato suddenly looked cross. "Humph...They stole that idea from Kimba, you know..... They shoulda sued Disney's ass off."

"Right....well. Um....I'm meeting Toji and Kensuke here, so I'll be back later." Shinji said and tried not to look at the Victoria's Secret behind him.

"Ah.....I see. You and them are going to peek through the window of the Victoria's Secret, eh?"

Misato said jokingly.

"Well...kinda......" Admitted Shinji.

Misato quickly pulled her head through the window and plastered a look of disgust all over her face. "You.....dirty little boys!" And then she sped of.

Now, everyone who sat in the Counsel of Irony Gods knew that later on Shinji would be broad-sided by a Volvo who's driver had an unfortunate meeting with a bratwurst spill on the road, but no one really felt like telling the pilot of a berserk beast mecha that. So they dropped it and went to go have some crumpets.

!^_^!

As the greatness of the Irony Gods part sinks in, Shinagami momentarily excuses himself to visit Reason. Reason looks up.

Reason: Yeah?

Shinagami: Yo. I need to ask a question.

Reason: Fire away.

Shinagami: Why the hell would someone capture Reason and stuff it into a bag to lock it in a meat freezer?

Reason: Simple, so that person writing a fic could make a completely random and silly story without anyone complaining.

Shinagami: Ah. Okay.

The Irony Gods smile upon Shinagami as he brings a black garbage bag over Reason's head and throws him into a freezer full of bratwurst.

Shinagami, holding up his Mr. Pibb in an offering to the Gods: Hey! Hey! Get your lazy butts up! I'm offering you some Pibb!

The Irony Gods grumbly walk down the stairs and snatch the Pibb away. After drinking it they toss the empty can away. The can lands in the middle of the road that Misato just happened to be on. The Irony Gods share a chuckle as Misato's car swerves into the wrecked bratwurst truck, spilling it's contents all over the road.

!^_^!

Shinji returned to walking to the Victoria's Secret, unbeknownst to him, however, Commander Ikari was testing the Mitibishi car dealership's foreign branch and was happily cruising the streets in a nicely made Swedish car that just happened to have a new 'bumper-bender classic' series of front bumpers. This was fortunate for the driver, because if the car impacted another object, let's say another car, for instance, it pushed the other car under the nicely made Swedish automobile. This is unfortunate for the object it hit, let's say another car, because the other car went under the nicely made Swedish vehicle. The effects of the 'bumper-bender classic' series on a humanoid person age 14 about 5'7" is unknown...well, was unknown.

"Don't worry," Gendo sang as he hurdled along the road. "Be happy" He tapped the wheel in rhythm to the music and let out a "Whoooohoooohooooho, Don't worry, be happy!" As Gendo finished the last bar of his favorite song, he was treated to a vision of several tons of bratwurst covering the road in front of his hasty car. The Commander made a quick decision to avoid the pile of meat, by swerving onto the sidewalk. It was then that a soft, fleshy thing hit the 'bumper-bender classic' series of bumper and slid neatly underneath the nicely made Swedish car. Soon Shinji found himself staring at the transmission of what he thought might be an imported car, seven speed, nice make. //Must be a Volvo.// Shinji thought lamely as he noted that the oil fluid needed changing.

Gendo was no longer happy. He was, in fact worried. He switched the song off. "Damn.....just when I thought I could spend an afternoon driving around on slick roads doing doughnuts....." Gendo screeched the Volvo to a stop. Shinji was happy to know he was out from underneath the greasy workings of the European car, but soon realized (He wished he had taken the liberty of grabbing hold of something while he enjoyed his stay under the Volvo) he was flying out from underneath the front of it.

The Irony Gods Handbook To Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen states that once an object in motion looses it's forward inertia, than any object within, On top of, in the near vicinity of, or underneath of the previously mentioned object will be subject to keep it's course of motion until it's kinetic energy is lost.

All four of the Irony Gods decided that Shinji didn't need to stop, and the several layers of slick meat provided a great excuse to keep Shinji moving.

One most be aware that on the same fateful Thursday that Asuka Langley Soryou was taking a stroll with her personal favorite of the male gender.

"So, Kaji.....what do you want to do?" Asuka said as she and Kaji strolled down the street.

Ryoji himself thought he might want to take a nice long bath with Misato......but he knew the fiery German girl would gut Misato and put her entrails on a cross and stake it on top of Nerv and then she'd lock him in the gallows to be her little toy.......//Damn....what am I thinking?// Kaji thought.

"Exactly what I want you to think, Kaji." Asuka said snootily. She held up Shinji's X-ray glasses and put them on, staring at Kaji's head.

"Um.....you can see my thoughts?" Kaji asked, a bit confused that a 14 year old could see into the depths of his mind.

"Yeah....but most of it's junk. Stuff about Misato, watermelons, Adam and the Human Instrumentality Project, hunger.....hey! There I am!"

"But How do you direct my thoughts?" Kaji asked, trying to will his mind away from anything that he thought a young girl shouldn't be seeing.

Asuka thought a bit. "Cause I found this in Shinji's room." She held up a remote control for a TV.

Kaji thought quick, he couldn't let Asuka know the truth about the clicker...about how clickers are what control everything, and how if a female learned to use one they could wreck havoc amongst the Earth.

"Really? I can? Who knew. No wonder Shinji was so protective of it." Asuka said and shrugged.

Kaji kicked himself mentally. He had just about thought up a plan to get the clicker back when the Irony Gods got bored of life and consulted The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen. The book itself was basically a giant clicker, and had good battery life, too.

{Hmmmmm} Irony God Numro Uno said. {Maybe we should make a big screen showing Amsterdam vs. Munich University drop on that little girly girl.}

The second Irony God rubbed his metaphoric chin. {Nah.....that's a bit forced}

{Let's stick a cow in an odd place, so it can fall on an unsuspecting someone} The first suggested.

The second turned to stare at the first. {We did that a while ago.} It had actually been three years ago, but who was counting.

The third Irony God looked with distaste at The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen. {We've done all this.....we need the revised edition, The Irony God's Field Copy For Causing Oddly ironic Happenings Occur At Any Given Moment Ver. 7865.01.}

It had been a long time since the Irony God's came into existence. Some say that a greater power, let's call him Jeffery, caused a galaxy to implode, and three small atoms accidentally ate some of Misato's waffles, thus bringing the three irony Gods into being, while others agree that they just willed themselves to appear.

Everyone knows where the fourth one came from. Chevrolet had needed something utterly humiliating to happen to Ford, and it needed to be good. So the legend says that a young Chevy engineer by the name of Maya Ibuki, climbed eight dozen flights of a million stairs to reach the Mountain Of Irony.(She's got the strongest legs in all of Nerv) She then offered the Gods the only thing that she had on her, a Mr. Pibb. The God's instantly fell in love with it. Maya went on with her request. The conversation went like this.....

{So....what do you want}

{Yeah, we haven't got all millennia.}

{I'm thirsty.}

"Well....Um...My name is Maya Ibuki...and I.."

{THE Maya Ibuki?}

{The Greatest Car Designer in the world?}

{I need something to wet my whistle...}

"No....I'm her daughter...."

{Oh.}

{Very good then, continue...}

"Well, on behalf of Chevy-"

{Boy, right about now would be ironic for some tea or coffee to land in my open mouth.}

"I would like to request your services-"

{Now that yo mention it, I'm a bit parched myself.}

"To make something humiliatingly ironic happen to-"

{Can we get some Mountain Dew in here?}

{Mountain Dew? Are you frivolous?}

{I believe I am, yes.}

{No, no, no...Mountain Dew is for those Yanks up north.}

"Happen to Ford..."

{But what then?}

{How about iced tea?}

{Blech! No! Something carbonated...}

"Are you listening to me at all?"

{Quiet woman, we are discussing things of varying degrees of importance.}

{Like what to drink}

"Um...I have some Mr. Pibb.....you want some?"

{Might as well give it a go, alright.}

{Is it Pepsi or Coke?}

"Coke, 100% guaranteed."

{Mmm, quit good, actually.}

{So what is it you wanted?}

"Just make something ironically humiliating happen to Ford."

{Righty-o then"}

{Ta, ta!}

And with that Maya trekked back down the flight of stars and back to Chevy, where the next day Harrison Ford came by and bought every last one of Ford's dealerships so he could burn them all as a offering to KoRn. Thus ended Maya's work and Chevy reluctantly fired her because she was caught skinny dipping in the executive pool. That all well and done, the Fourth Irony God came about as a back up, a dummy plug for future reference, that would make one of these fabulously ironic happenings to happen. One problem. The 'dummy plug' needed a semi-organic thought process to allow it to work. Thus Chevy had to abandon the project, along with Maya, in a dark alley in Albuquerque. That very day Irony God Numro Duos decided that since the two other Gods were out playing tennis, that he'd cause the famous scientist Dr. Ritsuko Akagi to be visiting an animal shelter on that very street. One thing led to another and pretty soon Dr. Akagi had a disciple to train and work on the dummy plug with. This was all fine and dandy, except that on the return flight the pilot of Maya and Ritsuko's 747 decided to wrap the large plane around a mountain, courtesy of Irony God Numro Tres. The resulting explosion made a convenient time warp near Maya's seat and sucked her in. As she was inhaled in, Maya grabbed the only this near to her, which was Dr. Akagi. They later ended up in Tokyo-3, but that not the focus of this. The remaining dummy plug was settled atop Irony Mountain, right next to Irony God Numro Duos and Numro Tres.

!^_^!

Shinagami realized that he's strayed far off topic, and begins to delete it, when he looks back over his work with a bit of lovingly compassion, and decides to keep it.

!^_^!

Shinji was sliding, this was obvious to any observer. What wasn't very obvious was that he was sliding in a pre-determined direction. Little did he know that his destination was right under a person he hadn't come to any particular terms with. The great Asuka Langley Soryou.

"So if I click this I can cause a police helicopter to chase down a guy with a machete?"

Kaji again tried to think quickly, but a police helicopter chasing down a guy with a machete interrupted his thoughts. That and a sliding form wearing a school uniform.

"Hey, this button makes everything go in reverse!"

Shinji slid to a slow stop just underneath Asuka. Well, underneath Asuka's sun dress would be a better description. He stopped just as Asuka pressed the rewind button, causing the very lucky Shinji multiple views of Asuka's panties.

"You idiot! What are you doing looking at my panties?!" She yelled, slightly enraged that Shinji had barged in on her date, and partly embarrassed that he'd seen her undies.

"Um....well....I'm just dropping in....." He laughed weakly then noticed that Asuka held in her hand a clicker. "Hey, Asuka...look over there."

Asuka growled at Shinji before looking the afore mentioned direction, leaving Kaji to quickly snatch away the clicker. Asuka 'damned' and stormed off to somewhere not concerning the reader at this time.

"So what's up, Shinji?" Kaji said to the boy, still on the ground.

"Nothing. I have a synch test today."

That left little to talk about since Kaji didn't know anything about Evas and a swarm of eighteen or so Chipmunks ran through the location of the rapidly failing conversation.

"Hmm, they're headed to the butcher shop." Shinji noted with disinterest.

"Yeah, I bet they want some haggis." Kaji whistled as the horde of furry rodents tipped over a Winnebago to get to the small butcher shop.

Shinji got up and started towards the GeoFront. "See ya around."

"Good bye Shinji, please take Asuka with you." Somehow with out any one noticing Asuka had latched herself to Kaji's midsection, and was hugging for all it was worth, which about forty two dollars.

"Okay. Asuka, you're ugly, your teeth are crooked and your hips are fat." Shinji said coolly.

On lookers would later comment that they've never seen anything move so fast in all their life. Asuka was off of Kaji in an instant and chasing after Shinji, who had, half an instant before hand began running.

Kozo contemplated his rank. Then he pondered why the Commander was so stuck up about his. Then he wondered what he could do to be a higher rank than Gendo. After that he thought about methods of silent assassinations, and right about then was when he ran out of synonyms for think.

"I can't take it anymore. I'll go tell Ikari that I want to challenge him for his rank. I am rightfully his teacher, I should be the Commander, not a lowly sub-commander."

"Um....who are you talking to?" Fuyustuki jumped and turned around to eye the source of the distraction. He would've seen Makoto except that a cow had that had been lodged in the air ducts for thee and a half years fell onto the unsuspecting Lieutenant.

"Well, then...cow. If that's all, I'll be leaving." And leave he did. He left all the way to Gendo's office. The cow, who had been bored out of it's skull for three and a half years decided following the old guy was more fun than sitting on this skinny excuse for an officer.

Shinji was on his way to the Eva cages when he encountered Kozo. Shinji felt bad for the old fart, so he decided to be friendly. "Hello, Sub-Commander Fuyustuki." Shinji would've said more, but a blur of red was steadily advancing on him.

Fuyustuki glared at the receding two dots in the distance. "Oh, rub it in why don't you?!" He yelled and shook his fist in the air.

Gendo poked his head out of his office. "Fuyustuki? What are you yelling about?"

Kozo frowned and readjusted his glare at the Commander. "Why can't I be the Commander?" he asked

"Because I am, there can't be two Commanders, now can there?"

Fuyustuki's frown deepened. "No, but you're always the Commander, It's my turn."

"No, no, no. If I let you be the Commander then that means I'd have to let Major Katsuragi be the Sub-Commander and then the Lieutenants would want to be Majors and I'd have to let the janitor be a Lieutenant and pretty soon the pilots would be wanting to be Corporals or something."

"Yeah, so?" Fuyustuki didn't know where the argument was headed, but he was sure he wasn't winning.

"So," Gendo continued, "I'd be out of a job, and that means who would occupy this neat little office of mine?"

"I would." Kozo said, unsure if that was a good thing or not.

Gendo sighed and shook his head. "But then who would be at my side constantly to make me look sinister?"

"But I thought you were out of a job-"

Gendo came back quickly. "I am, but then, so are you. You don't have a Commander to stand next to."

Fuyustuki scratched his head. "But I would be the commander....."

//Damn....he's no so easily confused as the others were...// "Look over there!" Gendo yelled.

Fuyustuki quickly whirled around in order not to miss what the Commander had been pointing at.

"Okay, your right. I'll increase the Commander's pay, Fuyustuki." Gendo said and re entered his office.

"That's right. I win." Fuyustuki said and strolled off back to his office.

It was later determined that Kozo had yelled a rather colorful string of 'sailor's talk' once he arrived at his office. This was rather bad for Nerv because anybody who was everybody knew that 'sailor's talk' attracted nothing less than chipmunks. It would also be determined that the Kozo/Gendo episode had saved the world from utter doom. The Irony Gods liked the idea of doom, but then they would no longer exist....so they had to step in. They put all their dreams in a three and a half year old cow. Who was now walking aimlessly around the Eva cages.

"Hi, Ayanami." Shinji said, sorta disappointed that Rei was fully clothed in her plug suit.

Rei regarded her fellow pilot. "Hello Ikari." A red flash caused Rei to blink. In the air lingered a 'Hey WonderGirl, help me hold the idiot down so I can beat him!' Rei declined politely, it would not do for a pilot to be injured. An Angel might attack.

The cow wandered by, and mooed. Rei tilted her head at the sight of the quadruped. She had never seen a cow in real life. She only knew they ate grass and were often neutered.

"Hello, Pilot Heifer." Rei said calmly as the newly named Heifer rumbled by. The cow was nice enough to murmur a 'moo' back and continued on it's way. //Whoa....spandex suits...where do I sign?// Heifer waddled past Shinji, who Asuka had finally caught up with and was currently choking, and mooed it's salutations.

"Moooooo. Mooo, mooooo. Mooo. Moo." He said. This roughly translated to 'Hey, I see you're choking some guy. Did you know you're hot? Why don't you give up on him and me and you can go get spandexy"

Dr Ritsuko Akagi was looking forward to a day of despising Rei and avoiding Maya, when she so carelessly walked into the Eva cage, unprepared for what was coming.

"Hello, Shinji." She said to a mangled body that had brown hair. Ritsuko nodded as the body gave a slight 'hi' and continued on her way, right into Heifer.

The two regarded each other warily. The cow swished it's tail about. Ritsuko turned her head, ever so slightly, causing her glasses to reflect some light.

"Hey, Dr. Akagi!" Misato yelled from behind her. The existence of noise where there was once none, will have varying degrees of surprise and/or shock. Existence of a very loud noise where there was once silence, for example (As stated in The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen) will most predictably cause the recipient of the noise to jump, then whirl around, then yell at the noise bringer. This was most of the time very accurate. Most of the time......

"Hey! Ritsuko!" Misato yelled again. The good doctor didn't flinch, her gaze was settled upon the cow and there was no stopping it, except the cow's gaze.

"Um.....I see you've met our newest pilot then, Ritsuko..." Misato pointed out rather obviously lame.

"Jeffery and I have already met." Ritsuko said, turning to face Misato, but not taking her eyes of Heifer. This was a difficult task indeed.

"Jeffery? What the hell is going on! That cow's name is Heifer." Misato said.

Not to be distracted by her friends ramblings, Ritsuko quickly tuned them out and focused on the cow at hand. //What do you want?// She thought.

//What any neutered cow wants in 2014. Some babes in spandex.//

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi decided she didn't much like that answer. //Very funny. You always were the perverted one. Tell me what the second greatest scientific quadruped is doing at Nerv.//

The cow shot an angry look at the doctor. //I'm insulted. Second greatest scientific quadruped?//

//You heard me. That pantry we met back in 2010, Woodstock?/

The cow stared at Ritsuko disbelieving. //Banjo? Banjo, that old piece of mahogany? Just because he figured out where the Sea of Dirac was before me...and he's not even a quadruped!//

Ritsuko smiled, despite herself. //He had four legs, if I remember correctly. Now, what are you here for?//

//Damn....fine. I'm the pilot of Eva unit -1// The cow said, proudly.

"Says who?!" Ritsuko suddenly burst out, causing the population of the Eva cage to look up from their game of Gin Rummy to see if the two weirdoes had come out of their trance.

//Says me. I believe I created them, I can make anything I want happen. And will it'll be funnily Ironic.//

Ritsuko was not happy. She was less happy when she discovered that Jeffery Heifer's orders where legit. Three days and twelve nuclear hot showers later Ritsuko was back in the Eva cages and standing before four pilots. All in plug suits. Curiously enough the cow was not amongst them. Jeffery was, however.

"Okay everyone. We have a new pilot. His name is Jeffery Heifer. Please make his stay at Nerv as unbearably disgusting as you can." She motioned to the fourth plugsuited pilot. He smiled back at Ritsuko and waved to his fellow pilots.

"Hello, Pilot Heifer." Rei said.

"Hi! I'm Asuka!"

"Hello."

The three pilots said their 'hellos' and stood around waiting. They weren't waiting for anything in particular, but it was right about then that someone decided to explain what was going on.

You see, waaaaaaaaay back when the universe was just about three years old, a being of infinite power decided he wanted to exist. And then he did. After he made some galaxy's implode and made three quit comical Irony Gods, this being decided he needed a name. So he searched the universe for one. Unfortunately for him there wasn't much happening in the universe when it was three years old. Now he was faced with creating stuff to fill the universe, so he could find a name. Well, ironically enough when it was the planet Earth's turn to be made this being accidentally sneezed, causing big boogers to land amongst the newly made Earth. The primitive Georgians that discovered a booger somewhere near Atlanta found it to be a great hassle to have a booger occupy a commercial district, when it didn't have a name. So those clever little Georgians called it Jeffery, and eventually they turned the booger into the world's first Toy R Us. But that didn't matter because the all powerful being had a name. Now he needed a shape. Lucky for him he was watching a particularly interesting young man named Shinagami that day, when he was tuning in to 'Rocco's Modern Life'. There he spied a neatly drawn little yellow cow. There. Once his shape, name and social security number was in place he drifted the planet Earth in hopes of finding some good tasting cafeteria food.

!^_^!

It's about then that the author realized that once more his little creation had taken a turn of it's own and grown a third arm.

Shinagami: Damn.......now the story doesn't exactly fit the title......oh well.

!^_^!

Now, by pure coincidence, the day before he was to become a pilot (the same day as his argument with Ritsuko) he was run over by a poodle, a large one by poodle standards, and he had to will himself a new body, seeing as his old one was leaking radiator fluid and vital organs. So Jeffery once more called upon the genius of Shinagami (heh, heh, heh) to aid him. It went something like this:

Jeffery: Hey, Shin-man?

Shinagami: Yo, sup?

Jeffery: I need a new body.

Shinagami: Have you tried a giant rabid weasel?

Jeffery: Yes, but I need one that can fit into an entry plug.

Shinagami: Ah.....I gots an idea....

The problem was finally solved around mid-morning just in time for some brunch. Now Jeffery had brown hair, was about 6" and brown eyes.....and by pure coincidence, so was the author......

"Unit negative 1 will arrive here in three seconds." Maya announced suddenly. Ritsuko was about to ask her why she didn't say something earlier, when three helicopters (still chasing that guy with the machete) lowered the giant green mecha next to units 01 and 00.

"Okay, pilots. We have a synch test and some physical testing, then it's off to the deli where you can have ham on rye or on sour dough.... Yes, Asuka?"

The German lowered her hand. "Can we have roasted turkey instead of ham?"

"No, the ham has been scientifically altered to improve your synch ratios."

Asuka made a face. "Sounds gross."

"It is." Ritsuko said while typing on her keyboard. "Now everyone go to your entry plugs."

As they walked to their respective Evas, Jeffery noticed his Eva was right next to Asuka's. It wasn't really, in fact it was next to Rei's Eva, but since he was the most powerful being in existence at that time, Jeffery decided his Eva was right next to Asuka's. And so it was.

And so Jeffery waltzed right over to Asuka as she was climbing into the entry plug, her posterior end providing anyone who was willing to watch (which was everyone) a rather nice view. Jeffery knew he was in for the ride of his life we he first yelled, 'HEY! Asuka! Everyone's looking at your ASS!' causing her to tumble into the entry plug head first. Yes.....judging from those curse word this was going to one hell of a ride.

Continued............

*Author's notes.

Well, if I didn't explain anything I left out already there's a good reason for that. I don't have a clue. As much as I'd wish I did, this fic is totally out of my control. Although it will probably fold in on itself and disappear, while it lasts it should be a whole lot of fun to write and read.......And review.....*aHem* So anyways, thanks for keeping with it for this long. The next part won't be as long, unless you guys want it to be. well, Sayonara!