Author's note: I know this has probably already been done to death, but this reaction from Lee just came to me and would not leave me alone. So here we are. And this is my first BSG fic! So please, please let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I own nothing relating to BSG or it's characters.
Alone Time
"See you on the other side, Lee."
Lee Adama sits in his ship and stares ahead. All he can hear is her voice.
He hears it over and over again. It's a voice he knows well. Her voice. No. Maybe it's his. Maybe it's just the voice he's always heard in his head. Yes, the voice in his head. Kara.
"Let me go."
All he sees is her face and her viper. She is her viper. And it explodes. Again and again. Her ship is in pieces. Why didn't she pull up? Why didn't he stay closer to her? Why couldn't she hear him?
"Just let me go."
Why couldn't he save her?
The hangar deck is blur of metal, grease, noise, fumes, and people. There is activity everywhere. The large space practically pulses with life day and night. Deckhands push equipment across the deck while others rush from one repair to the next. Planes are brought in, patched up, and sent back out. Everything in motion.
Chief Tyrol looks up from the clipboard he has just been handed and sees a stationary viper powering down. "Hey, Cally! Major Adama is back. Let's get him checked in." Cally quickly joins the chief, and they walk towards the viper silently with bent heads. They all know. The whole ship knows. The whole ship already feels the loss.
Lee Adama sits in his ship and stares ahead.
He doesn't have to see her to know where she is going. Where she is gone. And he follows her down into the storm. Down and down and down endlessly.
"Kara! Pull up!"
He sees her viper and thinks she must be fearless as a solid, striking panic hits him. He breathes hard and fast knowing the fear is engulfing him. It makes him angry. It makes him more determined to get to her.
"Lee, I'm not afraid anymore."
Her face flashes in front of him. And somehow they are still diving straight down. He sees her face again. He sees every look she ever gave him. The mischievous grin, the eyebrows-raised dare, stubborn defiance in a smirk, and pain shining through her eyes in almost look. He sees her eyes full of hope and strength and confidence the same as the first day he met her.
She can't be gone.
"Major? Major? Can you open the hood? Major?" Chief waits a few seconds and taps on the glass. "Major? We gotta open the hood to do your post-flight. Major Adama?" With no response, he looks down the ladder at Cally and shrugs.
"What's wrong?" Cally asks as the chief climbs down.
"Dunno. He's just sitting there, looking straight ahead. He didn't seem to hear me." Chief sighs, puts his hand on his forehead and looks at the ground. "He must be in some kind of shock. Gods."
"We can't just leave him in there, can we?"
"No. No, we need to do the report. People we know die every day and we still do our jobs. That is our job: keep working no matter what. I'm just going to override it and pull the hood manually." Tyrol walks away from the plane muttering, "Godsdamnit. Poor frakking bastard."
A few minutes later, the chief is reaching into the cockpit of Lee's viper and removing his helmet. The major neither moves nor speaks. He doesn't even seem to blink.
"Okay, Major. Let's get you outta there," Chief says as if speaking to a child. "Sir?" He pauses and sighs loudly. "Sir? I know what happened and I'm sorry. She was the best godsdamned pilot I've ever seen. The best of all of us," Chief says whispering the last line. He takes a minute and waits in vain for a response. Looking back down at his wife, he shakes his head. "Sir? We really need to check your bird. Lee?" he says a little louder. Afraid to even touch him, Chief simply climbs back down the ladder and quickly walks past Cally. Over his shoulder he says, "I'm getting the Admiral."
His voice is loud and somehow not one he recognizes. He's screaming.
"No! No!"
And it explodes. Over and over. Again and again to that strange voice screaming that single word.
"Her ship's in pieces."
He can't hear her voice or see her face anymore. It's only him. Only his voice and his fear and his breath.
Where is Kara?
The normal hum and buzz of voices and computers is gone as people work in silence, barely seeming to move at all. CIC is quiet, still. The only sound and movement comes from Admiral Adama as he hangs up his phone. He too is now part of the still life as he stares at his hand lingering on the receiver. The sound of a throat-clearing cough disturbs the calm, but no one looks up. No one can look at him.
"Helo," the old man says in a soft, raspy voice. "I need you to go down to the hangar deck and get Major Adama."
Helo snaps to attention and says, "Yes, sir. I'll bring him here."
"Just get him out of his plane and we'll go from there," Adama says looking down.
Before Helo can leave, Dualla appears at the admiral's side. "Sir? Permission to go to the hangar deck?"
Adama looks up after a time and simply says, "No. You'll do your husband more good here. Just do your job." As she fights back her tears, he reaches his hand in the air and stops short. "I'm sorry," he whispers.
"His ship's over here, sir," Chief says as he leads Helo across the deck.
"How long has he been like that?"
"Since he landed, I guess. He hasn't said a word or moved or anything. He just looks in front of him at nothing."
"Damn," Helo says as they come to a stop a few feet from Lee's plane. He puts his hands on his hips, bites his lower lip, and looks down. Shaking his head and letting out a deep breath, Helo looks up at the cockpit and says, "I'll see if I can get him out of there for you. Just, uh, give us a minute, I guess."
He climbs the ladder slowly and looks down into the cockpit with watery eyes. Helo puts a hand on Lee's shoulder. "Lee? Can you hear me? You okay, man?" No response. "Gods, Lee. I'm so sorry. There was nothing you could have done. You know that, right? It was in the hands of the gods." Again, no response. In resignation, Helo takes a breath and looks down. "I loved her, too, man. She was a hell of a friend and the best person to watch your back or save your ass." Helo smiles sadly and looks past Lee. Major Adama still does not move. He only closes his eyes for a moment before Helo heads back down the ladder.
"I don't think he's coming out any time soon," Helo tells Tyrol and Cally once he's on the deck again. "Maybe we should just give him some time alone. Just wait on the post-flight and leave him be for a while."
He searches for her in the clouds. He can't see anything in front of him. There is only the rain and swirling gas. He tries to follow her as the storm rages around him pulling him deeper and deeper. Pulling him towards her.
"Come back! You come back!"
He's screaming again not knowing where it's coming from.
"Let me go. Just let me go."
No. No. But he isn't screaming this. Not really. Not out loud. Not with his voice. It's coming from somewhere deeper than that. He says her name silently again and again. Kara. Kara. Kara. One hundred times. One thousand times.
Again.
Always.
Forever.
All work on the hangar deck has ceased for hours only to be replaced with a mass of knuckledraggers, pilots, officers, civilians, people talking and moving, looking toward the single viper left on the deck.
Lee Adama sits in his ship and stares ahead.
"Gods, how long has he been in there?" Racetrack asks as she walks in behind Hotdog.
"At least six hours. The guy hasn't so much as moved a muscle. People keep going up and trying to say anything to get him out. He just stares," Hotdog replies.
"Can't believe the CAG, of all people, is cracking up," another pilot says.
There are no taunts, jeers, or jokes in the voices of the crowd. There is only low, reverent conversation, speculation, condolences, and hushed remarks of sympathy or respect.
Colonel Tigh walks through the crowd to stand near the front edge. He stares at the plane and mumbles, "Godsdamnit." He looks down and back up after some time. "Frak." It's not really a curse, more of a statement.
"My thoughts exactly," Laura Roslin, arms crossed and looking at the viper, says from beside Tigh.
"Madame President."
"We've all been up there. The pilots, Sharon, Lt. Dualla. Even Sam Anders is on his way. But he just doesn't hear any of us." Tigh looks over to see Dee, her face stained with tears and wearing a hollow look, nodding at something Gaeta says. "When is the Admiral coming down?"
"He's not." Roslin turns to face Tigh and her mouth opens to say something, but closes quickly. Tigh sees her confusion and sadness and says quietly, "The old man needs help himself. He hasn't left CIC since, well, you know. The best thing – the only thing – he can really do right now is go on like business as usual and push everything and everyone from his mind. Including Lee. Especially Lee." She stares at him a moment and then looks down and nods her head as if in understanding. They both stand with arms crossed staring at Lee's plane in silence for a long while.
"I always knew that Major Adama felt a great responsibility for all his pilots, but – " Roslin says breaking the silence.
"She wasn't just any pilot."
"Yes, I know. Captain Thrace was a very special, very gifted young woman," Roslin says softly. "And I've always known they shared a bond none of us could possibly understand."
"So I guess you heard those rumors, too, even over on Colonial One. Talk of the fleet I guess." Tigh pauses and then says seriously, "Apollo and Starbuck. Starbuck and Apollo. Two of the biggest frak-ups left in this fleet. Same coin, two sides if you ask me. Always have been. She's the wild one, he's the straight arrow – mostly. Balance, you know? It's when they switch places that everything goes to hell. That's what's wrong with him sitting up there. He's supposed to be the one who sees more than just himself. The one with all the honor and sense of duty telling everyone to do their jobs to protect the fleet." He arches his eyebrows. "Not right," he mutters. Colonel Tigh uncrosses his arms and speaks a little louder, "I'm going up there and giving that son of a bitch a piece of mind. Explain a few frakking things about grief and duty." He starts toward the viper and says softly, "Things a soldier should damn well know."
The crowd sees the XO cross the deck and they begin to quiet down. Tigh gets to the ladder and the crowd is hushed. When he gets to the top, the sight of Lee almost makes him fall backwards. Lee's eyes are swollen, dark circles under them, lines of tears running through the dirt and sweat on his face, his pale skin giving him the look of death. Without a word, the colonel steps back down the ladder to head back across the deck towards the waiting crowd. They part for him as he walks through looking at no one and heading for the phone on the wall.
"What the hell?" Hotdog asks.
"Don't know. I thought he was going to tear Apollo a new one," Racetrack replies.
"Must be worse than we thought."
Tigh hangs up the phone moments later and walks back through the crowd to the front. "Okay, everybody," he shouts, arms waving to get the attention he already has. "Back to work. Show's over." Being met with low grumblings and murmurs, Tigh says louder, "That means now! Or you'll all find yourselves in the brig! Now move out!" The crowd begins to disperse and the president lingers a few extra moments to look at the viper before she too turns and walks away.
Tigh catches the chief at the door. "I want everyone who isn't absolutely necessary out of here. You got me? Give your crews a nice, long break and get 'em the hell outta here."
"Yes, sir."
"I'm not afraid anymore."
"Just let me go."
Never.
He sees the explosion, then her face. She isn't really smiling, but she looks happy. Peaceful. Serene. Not really like Starbuck or Kara at all. He wonders if he knows this woman. Does this woman even exist? Was she always there and he just never met her? He wishes he could have known her.
Admiral Adama walks onto the hangar deck and immediately notices the change in the air. It's too thick, too heavy.
The deck's almost deserted save a few deck hands sweeping up or putting things away. And Colonel Tigh leaning against the wall looking down. When the admiral reaches him, the XO nods to the viper, puts his hand on his friend's shoulder, and walks slowly away. Father and son are alone.
Bill walks towards the bird and stops short. Hands clasped together in front of him, he looks at his son. He might as well be looking in a mirror. He stands there for some minutes watching the viper expectantly, as if his presence will cause a change.
Lee Adama sits in his ship and stares ahead.
The father turns to towards the door and walks away from the son. The chief meets him at the door with a questioning look. Adama puts his hand on Tyrol's shoulder and says softly, "I'll be in my quarters if I'm needed."
They are diving again. Going down. Down through the clouds. He follows her. The storm is worse the deeper they plunge. She goes straight down. He follows. He doesn't know how long they've been descending. The storm pulls them down, but he is going willingly. He follows her now, not her viper. Just Kara. Just him. Falling together into the black.
It's all darkness.
Then he sees her. She is walking, not far away. She's walking away from him in a deck hand's uniform. He looks up and sees the storm and the hangar deck.
Lee blinks twice and turns his head to the left searching for her on the hangar deck. "Kara," he chokes out. "Kara!"
The chief looks up at Lee's voice. "Sam! Sam!" he calls pointing to the viper. Anders jerks his head up and rises from his seat to see Lee standing in his ship. Chief hangs back as Anders rushes to a shaky Lee climbing down the ladder.
"Kara! Kara!" he tries to scream but can barely say anything out loud. Sam cuts him off and grabs his shoulders.
"Lee! Lee, man, come on," says Sam steadying him. Lee looks past Anders and tries to move forward. As Lee's eyes focus on Sam for the first time, his lips tighten and he squints at him. He uses what must be adrenaline strength to pull his arm free and deck Sam. The punch takes all he has left and he collapses, head on the floor.
Anders wipes his face and sinks to the ground in front of him. Lee looks up at him as he cries, "I've got to go after her. I have to go get her. She was right there. Why'd you stop me? I could have caught her. I need to find her."
Sam grabs his shoulders and says softly, "Lee, she's gone. She's gone. You can't find her. She's not here." Lee just stares at him. "You gotta let her go. Just let her go."
"I'm supposed to find her," he breathes out and looks at the ground. "I, I'm – " He pants, breathing heavily. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe." Lee looks up again past Sam. "I can't leave her alone. She's alone. She's all alone."
Lee almost chuckles and his voice breaks saying, "I'm all alone."
end.