Disclaimer: Season Four. It's coming. As scheduled. This update? It so did not come as scheduled. So in this way, Shonda and all the writers over there are much better than me… although we knew that already… haha.

Cristina Yang was very upset with herself. Not in the have a mental breakdown way, more in the hate-yourself-if-you-regret-this-later kind of way. There was a great battle that was going on in her head, and every five seconds she was tugged in either direction, determined to do one thing before switching gears and deciding not to do it at all.

She'd gotten home that day and found Meredith in bed, lethargic and unwilling to eat. She'd rolled her eyes at this as it was Meredith. She didn't turn down food, at least not for very long. So Cristina had gone about her usual routine, but by the time the time she was on her second slice of pizza, she'd actually started to… worry. The thought made her cringe, but pizza was usually the one thing that Meredith responded to. Even Cristina had to say that it smelled better than usual.

"Meredith?" Cristina waved a hand in front of her friend's face. "Meredith have you gone mental?" she asked louder this time.

Meredith's eyes snapped towards her friend, giving her a glare. "I have not gone mental," she said firmly.

"Did you tell McDreamy about your mother?"

But she refused to give any response.

Cristina ran a hand over her face, a weary expression on her face. "Did something happen with McDreamy?"

Meredith paused before sitting up slightly in the bed, resting on her elbow.

"How do you know if you love someone, if you really love someone?"

Cristina blinked at her, confusion written on her face. "Pardon?"

"I mean… think about it! How do I know that I actually love Derek? I haven't known him for more than a few months. I screwed him at… well, after, a party, he tried to get me into bed with him again, he has a girlfriend that I didn't even know about… how do I know that I actually love him?"

Cristina stared at her incredulously. "Are you kidding me? You two are like… sickening!" she exclaimed, finding no better word, disgust written on her face.

"But—"

"Look, where is this coming from? Did you find out that he has some… super secret job of selling china dolls full of cocaine or something?" she asked.

Meredith bit her lip, deep in thought for a moment. "What if it's only about the sex?"

"Mer—"

"No, seriously, what if I'm only with him to get a good fuck? What if… what if every time I say I love you I'm saying it to the sex?"

Cristina snorted with laughter. "Mer, seriously, you're not saying I love you to the sex. He's good, but he's not that good,"

Meredith narrowed her eyes at Cristina. "How would you know he's good?"

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Uh, hello? I live with you in this tiny little dorm. I'm sure the whole place hears you two going at it. Why do you think I never interrupt you, I can hear you all the way down the hall!" Meredith blushed at this. "Plus, he looks like he'd be good."

Meredith flopped onto her back again.

"I just… I can't be sure…" she whispered. "Everything happened so fast… it's not supposed to be like this is it? I mean… how typical is this?" she continued. "Girl meets boy, boy kisses girl, girl and boy fuck each other senseless—"

"Mer, we know the story already," Cristina rolled her eyes.

Meredith paused and bit her lip slightly. "Right… sorry." She sighed. "Aren't… people in relationships, aren't they supposed to be able to share things easily? Isn't everything just kind of supposed to spill out and then they talk and then everything is either okay… it's supposed to be all 'we'll get through this together,' or 'I can't take this I'm dumping your sorry dark and twisty ass and we can go back to pretending like this never happened,' right?" she asked, turning her wide, questioning eyes on Cristina.

Cristina studied her friend. For one moment she just wanted her to tell her to fuck off if she was being so stupid, she had a test to study for and she didn't need to hear about her whining. But the look in Meredith's eyes was completely desperate….

Cristina sighed and fixed Meredith with a semi-glare.

"A) Where the fuck are you living? That doesn't happen unless you live in Barbie-Ville. And B) Say that the whole happily ever after thing really did work out… to make that remotely possible you'd actually need to be doing some talking in order to get to the everything's going to be okay part. And so far, you haven't done that," Cristina stated, pointing out the obvious… obvious to everyone but Meredith that is.

"My advice? Let down your walls Mer. Because even though you put them up to see who loves you enough to climb over… pretty soon they're going to be so overwhelmed with hate towards the stone that's tearing away at their skin that they won't be able to climb anymore," Cristina said, her voice taking on an uncharacteristically softer tone as she spoke.

Meredith swallowed a little and looked away again. Some part of her could see that Cristina was right… but how do you tear down a nearly nineteen year old wall?

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He missed her. He was angry and confused and sad and desperate, but Derek Shepherd missed his small framed, blonde haired, ineffectual fisted, adorable when giggling, sexy as all hell, rambling a mile a minute girlfriend.

He sat in the chair at his desk that he had in his makeshift "office" - which was really nothing more than a desk, chair and a few other necessities, shoved into a corner of his bedroom, but for now it was his office – and put his head in his hands, closing his eyes as he did so. Just a week ago... hell, even a few days ago they had been completely happy. A small smile curved its way onto his face as he thought about what could be happening right at that very moment if they weren't being the way they were….

She'd be in his lap, wearing nothing but her panties and one of his button down shirts… she always looked so sexy in his shirts, but the button downs especially. Maybe he liked them because he could have her undressed as soon as she was dressed without her knowledge; a couple of skillful flicks of his fingers and the buttons would be gone, and he'd have free reign of her body once again.

She'd gasp and try to scold him, maybe try to re-button the shirt. But he'd merely grin wickedly at her before his lips would attack her neck, mouth, chest… everywhere. She'd moan and continue her pathetic attempts at getting him to stop but after awhile he'd drive them both so crazy with passion that she'd give in and let him have naughty way with her, right there in the chair or maybe even on the desk.

Images – extremely graphic images – flooded his mind as the thoughts ran through his head. He remembered the sound of her moaning and crying and whimpering and begging him for more… a time when her voice, when their voices weren't laced with unhappiness and something else, something that let you know that you were just being used for something in that moment.

Hardness grew between his legs and he groaned; now was definitely not the time to become aroused, especially when said whimpering, screaming, hot and sexy girlfriend was nowhere to be found and he wouldn't want her anyway. He wanted his real girlfriend, not this shell of a person who kept secrets and used him for sex as if nothing had happened between them.

He sat there for a moment, contemplating in his head before finally he shot out of his chair, grabbed his keys and left his apartment in a flash.

He loved her. Derek Shepherd loved Meredith Grey. He was in this, he was in this for… ever. He didn't know what it would take to show her or even how long it would take for it to get through to her, but he just had to tell her something.

He got into his car as soon as he arrived outside and he drove the familiar way to the campus dorms. He parked and got out, making his way up to the door of the main building, his heart pounding more and more with each step he took.

"Please let her love me enough to make this work," he muttered to himself.

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There was a knock at the door and Cristina got up after noticing that Meredith wasn't going to do anything. She pulled it open with a giant yank and her eyebrows shot up slightly when she saw him standing there.

"Oh… hi," she greeted him.

Mark nodded to her, not wearing his usual grin. Word had gotten around about Derek and Meredith and since Derek wouldn't talk to him he had to talk to somebody about it.

"Is she in here?"

"I'm right here Mark," she said softly from her bed. His blue-gray eyes darted to the bed and they narrowed in disapproval.

"Grey, what the hell is going on?" he asked, moving past Cristina and sitting down next to Meredith. Cristina leaned in the doorway and watched the pair casually.

"What do you mean what's going on, I used my boyfriend for sex like the toy that he is, or at least should have been the first night we met and now things are just completely fucked up but I have a feeling they were before that anyway," she said, her voice getting higher on certain words to accent her points, and by the end of her speech she was breathless.

"Ok… that's interesting… but I'm talking about your health. And Derek's health because what you're doing to him is just not good, but mainly your health. When you first met him you were normal looking. Then everything happened and you were barely anything. Something else happened and you two were so sickeningly in love I had to carry a bucket around with me if I had a class with him because it was radiating off him. Now you're back to where you were and it's only been what… three days at most?" he asked.

"Mark," she sighed.

"Mark nothing! And Derek looks like crap too, I've seen both of you walking around today and you're mirror images, except you're a lot skinnier than he is," Mark said.

During this whole speech Meredith had been looking elsewhere, but now Mark leaned in closer and she found herself drawn to his eyes. She nearly gasped at the look he was giving her; his brows were furrowed and the blue-gray orbs were narrowed at her and he was scrutinizing her. He seemed to be boring a hole into her very soul, something that only Derek could do usually. It was alarming that he could read her this way and she wanted to turn her head away as if it would take away whatever power he had, but she just could not break the gaze.

"Now the real question is… what the fuck could have happened that would get you two so upset, so torn apart, so quickly?" he asked, his voice low and inquisitive as if he were asking the question to himself more than her.

Her eyes flickered across his face and she swallowed, finally moving her gaze from his. She sat up quickly, bracing herself with her hands.

"Nothing… just some things and we both… things," she said quickly, still not meeting Mark's gaze.

He looked at her a bit more before a light bulb went off in his head. His back straightened up and he swore.

"Shit. Neither of you know," he said. He'd seen this happen before with Derek's relationships. Something happened, the girl always kept something from him and then he wouldn't say anything and then everything would blow up in his face and they'd break up and neither one would know the real reason for anything.

"No, we… I do know I just don't…"

The sound of a throat clearing broke them up. Meredith knew that sound. She turned her head quickly, her wide eyes meeting the sad yet cold eyes of her boyfriend.

"Derek," she said softly, her voice fading on the last few letters of his name.

"Meredith," he greeted her, his tone soft and comforting in a way. His eyes had softened slightly as they fell on her and they were then filled with sadness and confusion and desperation. When he turned his eyes on Mark, however, they changed.

"Mark," he said in a clipped voice.

"Derek," he repeated.

"Hi! I'm Cristina!" Cristina piped up in a falsely cheery voice before rolling her eyes. "Now that we know everyone's names--"

"Cristina," Meredith warned.

All four occupants of the room looked at one another, their gazes changing fro person to person.

Mark stood up finally and began to walk towards the door. "I'll see you around Mer," he said.

"Bye Mark," she said softly.

On his way out Mark brushed by Derek and leaned in to growl in his ear, "Don't fuck this up, Shep. Learn from your mistakes," he said.

Derek turned his head to shoot a glare at Mark but before he could, the man-in-leather had already disappeared down the hallway.

He turned his gaze instead back to Meredith. He felt his heart wrench; it had been no more than around forty-eight hours since everything had started to fall apart. She was fine and now she was….

"I… I need to talk with you…" he started, glancing towards Cristina. "Alone," he added.

Cristina looked back and forth between them. Honestly she was sick of having to leave her dorm for them but Meredith didn't look like she was getting out of the bed anytime soon. She let out a long sigh before speaking.

"Fine," she said, dragging the word out as she walked out of the door. She slammed it shut behind her and Derek turned back to look at Meredith. They stayed there in silence for awhile.

"I'm sorry," they both said at the same time.

"Der, I--"

"No, listen, Mer," he said. He walked further into the room and began to pace, running his fingers through his hair.

"I just… I don't keep secrets Mer. You ask me something, anything, and I tell you, always. You wanted to know about my family and I told you, and yet… when I ask you about yours…" he trailed off, frustrated.

"I get that you need time, but…" he paused. This part was unplanned. He hadn't expected these types of feelings to come forth.

"But there's only so much time I can give you," he said quietly.

Meredith's breath hitched in her throat. Her eyes widened, stained with tears that wouldn't fall and she watched him. Neither of them said anything. They just… waited.

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above

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I can't even begin to apologize for how long this has taken. So I won't. Because hopefully, most of you understand what a pain in the ass real life can be… it really did me no favors this summer and until I get my schedule back on track it won't… so unfortunately I can't promise frequent updates, but I'll try not to let it run this long… of course, I have other fics to update too so…. But yeah, I'll definitely try to do what I can.

Thank you so much to those of you who have asked about this fic! It meant the world to me to know that it was not forgotten! This chapter's dedicated to you… and while it may not seem the ideal chapter to have dedicated to you… it's a chapter. Haha.

I will explain more about this chapter, this story, and my leave of absence in my blog. Which I shall be writing in soonish. I'll also talk about those incredible deleted scenes that should have been included with EVERY Season Three DVD set.

Thanks again so much to everyone who has read/is reading/will read this story.

Please review although I'd understand if you didn't after I've made you wait so long.

xoxo