Hack: Not gonna say anything, as I know all I'm gonna do is say the same thing again about the hiatus.

Mewtwo: Lies. You are putting higher priority on your adventure fanfic

Hack: true, true, I'm focusing more on that. Easier to finish up one project (that's almost already finished anyways) then to work on multiple at a time. Anyways, Enjoy!

Chapter 12: Looks can Kill, literally!

Scene: Crimea Human Ranch

"So we're here in this ranch now," said Link.

"You're here!" said a boy in a black and violet cloak. Only his face was revealed, which had a sign on his forehead.

"Who are you? I think I've seen you before!" said Ness.

"My name is Soren, and I'm Ike's advisor. You're the Chosen's group, right?"

Zelda nodded. "Yep! I'm the beautiful Chosen!"

Soren coughed. "AHEM. Now then. I must advise you to leave the Crimean Region at once."

"At once? Why?" asked Link.

"Yeah, why? I've been enjoying my hometown for a while!" said Marth. "Well… Home Climate, I guess, since I came from Altea, not Crimea…"

"Tell me," said Peach, approaching Soren. "Who gave you permission to order us around? We're breaking into the base!"

"Idiocy! Who gave you permission to ignore my advise?" asked Soren.

"The best mage in the world, that's who," said Ness, pointing at himself.

"…You're holding a kendama, a strategically ineffective weapon, completely outclassed by even a staff," said Soren.

"Me? I'll show you who's boss!" said Ness. "Nut Cracker!"

Soren practically glided backwards to dodge. "Arcwind!"

A tornado appeared where Ness stood and swept him into a tree.

"Hey! Hey! No fighting!" said Zelda.

BAM!

Ness was knocked out by both Zelda and Peach.

"But… why not… Soren…" groaned Ness before fainting.

"You initialized the fight," said Zelda.

"Yeah, well, we're breaking through then?" both Link and Marth asked, looking at all the Rocket Grunt guards in front of the entrance to the ranch.

"…Go wild," said Peach.

"WOO!" Both swordsmen dash through, knocking out all the Rocket Grunts and breaking through the door.

"…What idiocy is this…?" Soren sighed, walking away as Peach and Zelda, both carrying Ness, followed behind Link and Marth.

Scene: Inside the Ranch

"Sweet! Another Sorcerer's Ring ability!" said Link. "I bet this is going to be really fun!"

"This has me wondering too, why is there a Sorcerer's Ring ability changer in this base, along with the Rocket base in Gerudo desert?" pondered Ness.

Link turned on the ring.

"…I don't see what it does," said Zelda.

"Nor I," said Marth.

"Me neither," said Peach.

"Link, does it seriously do nothing?" asked Ness.

"Yeah, tell us what it does!" Zelda said excitedly.

Link looked at Ness.

And screamed.

Scene: Popo's House

"Hurry up! When's my solo buffet gonna be done?" yelled Kirby, sitting at a table with his chef's hat.

"I'm hurrying up, but I can only cook so much by myself, idiot!" said Popo, flipping a frying pan, readying the buffet or banquet for his master, I mean boyfriend, I mean best-friend-forever Kirby.

There was a loud scream out of nowhere, and then the entire house suddenly shook, making Popo drop his frying pan on his foot, melting the shoe.

"AHHHHH!" Popo cried.

"Whoa, who made the earth shake?" pondered Kirby. "Sounded like Link screaming…"

Scene: Sorcerer's Ring Room in Ranch

"What? What's wrong?" asked Zelda.

"You… are… so… ugly… Wow…" groaned Link, vomiting on the floor and covering his eyes.

"Excuse me?" asked Zelda.

"What do you mean? You see her like every day, and you choose NOW to say that" asked Ness.

"Do you need my help?" Peach asked Zelda, anticipating an angry burst.

"No…" then Link looked at Peach and screamed even louder.

"What? Now I'm all of a sudden ugly?" she asked.

"Hold on, let me try that on…" Ness said, taking the ring from Link and turning it on. He looked at Zelda. "Oh dear god!" he cried, closing his eyes.

"Okay, what on earth is going on here?" asked Zelda.

Marth shrugged. "Beats me, but whatever that ring does makes Link and Ness think everyone's super ugly."

Ness looked at Marth. "Eh, I'm used to seeing the male anatomy, looking at you and Link isn't a big deal."

"…The male anatomy? What the…" Peach started.

"This ring lets you see the unseen… Or, in other words, x-ray vision," said Ness, not daring to look at Peach.

Zelda and Peach rounded up on Link.

"…What? I see ugly bare-naked women and I scream. Is there something wrong with that?" he asked innocently.

Scene: Another room in the ranch

"So then," said Peach. "We're in an even bigger room now."

"Hold on, there's an invisible switch here," said Ness, who had the ring equipped now. He pressed the top of some random pillar and a bridge appeared before them.

"Nice!" said Zelda. "There's some sort of device here…" she pressed the on switch on the yellow cubic machine.

"RENEWAL… COMPLETE." It said.

"Wow! I feel completely renewed!" said Peach.

"Me too! I can definitely carry Link's body around more easily now!" said Marth.

"Unfortunately, it didn't heal Link," said Ness.

"…You mean fortunately," said Zelda.

"I'm not that cruel," said Ness, with a nice smile.

Scene: Prisoner's Room

"Are these all Crimeans?" asked Ness.

Sure enough, there were many humans behind bars, being completely bored out of their minds. There was a television set inside, where four Crimeans were playing Wii. Another pair of Crimeans were playing foosball, and there was a Crimean adult reading stories to several children.

"Hey! Do any of you know where Paula is?" asked Ness.

A small boy came up to the smasher's group behind bars. "Yeah, she was taken to Lord Ganondorf's room," he said.

"Now when did prisoners start calling their kidnapper Lord?" asked Marth, still carrying the unconscious Link.

"We love Lord Ganondorf!" a woman cried. "We may be prisoners, but we are welcomed prisoners! He provides us food, entertainment, and comfort!"

Indeed, there were beds, sofas, and couches everywhere within.

"And even more, during nighttime, we're allowed to leave the prison and wander around the base to have fun!"

"No, we're not leaving!" said the boy. "I love Lord Ganondorf!"

"Hm, well…" said Zelda, surprised at Ganondorf's attitude towards his prisoners. "Then we'll leave you here and look for Paula. That's okay with you all?"

"Of course!" all the prisoners chanted.

"Freaks of nature…" Peach muttered under her breath.

Scene: The Death Warp Maze

"I don't like the sound of that scene title," said Ness.

What scene title?

"Eh, I mean, the scenery's pretty nice, isn't it?"

Good.

"So there's some sort of pad there," said Zelda, pointing at a blue circular pad.

Ness turned on the ring. "It's a teleportation pad! Let's get on it! It's gotta lead to the boss, where Paula is held captive!"

So the group went in and appeared in another room.

Scene: Second Warp Room

"So we're in the middle of the room…" said Peach. "Surrounded by two more teleport pads…"

"Don't tell me… this is one of those random warp mazes," said Marth.

"I knew it! Ganondorf isn't a good guy after all!" cried Zelda. "He just wants to torture us!"

"Okay, okay, we've gotta get going to save Paula!" said Ness.

"Fine! I choose the one up ahead!" said Peach.

"Might as well try it…" said Zelda.

Scene: Beginning

"Okay, apparently that was wrong," said Ness. "I guess we should try the other warp?

"Yeah, Peach was wrong… for once!" said Marth.

Scene: Second Warp Room

"Why… me…" groaned Zelda, carrying both Marth and Link on her shoulders.

Peach ignored her. "So the one behind us then?" she asked Ness.

"Correct.

Scene: Third Warp Room

"WHAT? There're three warps here now!" groaned Ness. "How long are you going to keep me from Paula, Ganondorf?"

"He better be careful of Ness's nut cracker…" muttered Zelda.

"Or my wrath," said Peach.

"Argh… well, the one on our left?" Ness asked, pointing to his left.

"Might as well, we don't have any hints," said Zelda.

Scene: Second Warp Room

"Okay, now what? There're two warps here now," said Ness.

"Try the one up ahead!" said Zelda.

"This might just be the second warp room that we were in, you idiots," said Peach.

"Well, they all look the same, so we can't tell," said Ness.

Scene: Fourth Warp Room

"Okay, now there are four warps!" groaned Ness. "How long are you going to keep me from Paula, Ganondorf?"

"He better be careful of Ness's nut cracker…" muttered Zelda.

"Or my wrath," said Peach.

"Argh… well, the one on our left?" Ness asked, pointing to his left.

"Might as well, we don't have any hints," said Zelda.

Scene: One-Thousand Three-hundredth Thirty-Seventh Warp Room, Several Hours later

"Oh dear… the 1337th room?" groaned Zelda. "How long must I keep carrying these perverts on my back?"

"Until they wake up," replied Peach.

"Ganondorf! You will die!" said Ness, holding his kendama up high.

Scene: Ganondorf's Room, after an entire day

"That… was… worse than… the Forever Woods…" groaned Ness.

"You mean you've been through something like this before?" gasped Zelda, dropping Link and Marth's bodies.

"…Ouch. I actually feel a bit of sympathy," said Peach, patting Ness on the back. Ness shuddered in fear.

"So… You've finally made it," said Ganondorf. "And I see you were kind enough to not release my prisoners. I see your every move, we have cameras everywhere!"

"Even what the Sorcerer's Ring does?" asked Ness.

"Hm? I don't know what a Sorcerer's Ring does!" Ganondorf said.

Ness smirked, then turned to Zelda and Peach. "I know of a greater pain than the Nut Cracker," he said.

"Oh, do entertain me," said Peach.

"Try me," said Zelda.

"I have a request, Ganondorf," said Ness. "Try on this ring and turn it on, then look here!"

"Why should I trust you?" asked Ganondorf.

"Well we didn't free your prisoners, all we're here for is Paula," said Zelda.

"I suppose, I can trust you that much… Let's see…" Ganondorf turned on the ring. "OH DEAR GOD, WHO ON EARTH HAVE I BEEN KIDNAPPING THESE PAST FIFTEEN ZELDA GAMES?" and fainted on the spot.

There was a long pause.

Zelda whirled around at Ness. "That was your plan? To have him…"

Paula just teleported in, hearing Zelda finish her sentence…

"see me nude with that ring? How could you?"

SLAP!

Ness's face was completely red. "Oh man… how could a slap hurt so much…" he groaned.

"Ness! How could you? You were looking at this… woman… and you gave her a ring? How could you?"

"No, Paula, it's not like that!"

SLAP!

"I refuse to be rescued by a cheater! Good bye, and I'll stay a prisoner here!" Paula left, accompanied by two Rocket Grunts.

"Noooooooo!" Ness cried, on the floor.

Link and Marth just woke up.

"Ugh… what just happened?" asked Marth.

"Yeah… And where's my ring?" asked Link.

Ness, who had taken the ring back from Ganondorf, gave it back.

"…Actually, on second thought, I don't want to turn it on accidentally," said Link, looking at Zelda.

SMACK!

Scene: Outside the Crimea Ranch

"Peach, weren't you supposed to make the ranch self-destruct?" asked Ness.

"Hey, there're prisoners in there that love life! They still have Ganondorf too!" replied Peach. "What do you think I am, inhumane?"

Link, Marth, and Zelda held sniggered behind their grins, though Ness replied," Yeah."

KABOOM!

"Well, it's time to get back to Crimea," said Marth.

"Agreed," said Link and Zelda.

Scene: Crimea

The five smashers (Ness unconscious) were standing in front of Ike's house, about to report to him their results of their 'infiltration.'

Link knocked on the door. "Ike! You there?"

No answer.

"Ike! You better open up or else I'll blow up this door!" threatened Peach.

No answer.

"You know, I saw Zelda nude, and you were right, she's really ugly!" Link said, with an evil smile.

"Really?" replied Ike, opening the door.

SMACK! SMACK!

Both swordsmen were on the ground.

"I, unlike you, Link, have the decency to not comment on Zelda's body," said Marth.

"True. Marth, you're such a gentleman!" said Zelda, patting him on the back.

"Anyways, we've failed to rescue Paula," said Ness.

"What about the other Crimeans?" asked Ike.

"We've failed to free them too…"

"You idiots! What's wrong with you? I wasn't even working with Team Rocket, like I was supposed to, and this is how you repay me? At least… I fight for my friends!"

STAB!

Ike was stabbed in the back by a sword by Mist, who was standing behind him.

"Noooo! I was stabbed… by my own sister… who sucks at fighting…"

"Shut up, brother, I'm so much better than you!"

"In hell… you'll get… no sympathy from me…" Then Ike died (well, not literally of course).

"No! How could you do that to the Ike of the Crimeans?" gasped Ness.

"He did everything to save this stupid chick, named Elincia!" said Mist, pulling the curtains from a jail cell to reveal…

A Ponyta.

"That's… the Queen of Crimea… mutated by a pokeball… into a monster… no way…" said Link.

"I wouldn't call that being mutated," said Ness. "And I think she was hurt by that monster comment."

Indeed, the Ponyta lashed out a long hoof through the bars and slammed into Link's face.

"Now that you know the truth, it's time for you to die!" said Mist.

"But you're a weakling!" said Marth, picking up the tiny girl Mist by the collar like a dog.

"Get your hands off of me!" she yelled, flailing her arms and legs around, but unable to hit Marth because she was so small.

Marth threw her through the ceiling and into the sky.

"Mist is blasting off!" Mist cried, turning into a star in the sky.

"Good riddance…" said Zelda.

Scene: Gallia Peaks

"So can you show me your Shaymin Statue?" asked Captain Falcon. "If you can't, no passing through the peaks, yo."

"Nope, but I've got a better present!" said Ness.

"You've gotta be kidding me, you're not doing that again, are you…" groaned Zelda.

"Come on! With that ugly body, your body is practically a weapon!" said Link.

SMACK!

"Turn it on!" said Ness, handing over the Sorcerer's Ring to Falcon.

"Oh, geez, thanks! WHOA, you gals had those bodies? Gotta love 'em!" he gasped. "Show me your bodies!"

Zelda and Peach looked at each other, nodding and getting their fists ready.

"OH DEAR GAWD, LINK AND MARTH… NO, YOUR BODIES… DON'T SHOW ME YOUR BODIES!"

Link and Marth looked at each other, nodding and getting their swords ready.

"Show me your… AHHHHHHH!"