A/N: This chapter is dedicated to all of those fanfic authors who don't know anything about anatomy. The events in this chapter were Carmen's idea, but I'm taking credit. If all your braincells die after you read this, please don't sue me. I'm warning you, no good can come of reading this. It's weird in a scary way.
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Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee stood in front of a large portal that Snape had magically prepared. She wore a skimpy lace dress that was (of course) black. Doom stood behind her, crying. Diablo was still trying to figure out how all of this was possible, Raven was staring at Snape, and Hermione was in a nearby broom closet with Draco Malfoy.
Looking as graceful as she could possibly manage, Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee leapt forward and into the magical portal that would take her back in time. There was a loud bang and a blinding purple light, and both girl and portal vanished.
Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee found herself many years back in time and sprawled in a mud puddle in a very ungraceful manner. Squealing indignantly, she leapt up and frantically tried to get the mud out of her dress, squealing more when she realized that she was only spreading it.
"Um… Do you need help?" a voice inquired.
The girl whirled around to face the owner of said voice. He was a rather tall (and very attractive) boy of about seventeen years.
"Are you Tom Riddle?" asked Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee.
The boy paused. "…Erm, no, he's over there." He pointed to a figure standing in the shadow of a tree and glaring at anyone who came too close. She immediately approached the boy in what she hoped was a sultry fashion.
"Hey sailor," she purred.
"What?!"
"I said hello."
"Go away."
She blinked at him. "Are you Tom Riddle?"
"Yes. Why do you care?"
Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee cleared her throat. "I want to make love to you." she announced.
Tom Riddle stared at her. "Umm…what?"
She repeated herself.
He looked her over.
"Alright." He said after a moment. "Let's go to my dorm."
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Some time later, Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee returned to her own time. She was immediately pounced on and viciously embraced by a sobbing Harry Potter. I mean Doom. His name is Doom.
After fighting him off, a furious Professor Snape stormed up to her. "What the bloody hell did you do?" he screamed at her. "And why are there eight mini-Voldemorts running around?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I mean that Voldemort has children!" The man was almost hysterical.
Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee gasped. "Oh no!" she wailed. "He got pregnant!"
There was a long, awkward silence.
"What do you mean?" asked a very puzzled Raven.
"I seduced Voldemort like I was supposed to; he put his boy-thingy in my girl-place…"
"You were a virgin before today, weren't you?" Snape rolled his eyes in disgust.
"How did you know? Are you a mind reader?" Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee looked at her potions master in awe.
"Just finish the story."
"Well, we didn't use protection, so he must have gotten pregnant. With octuplets, apparently." She concluded.
"How?!" shouted everyone in the room (and Hermione and Draco from the closet).
Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee wailed, "I thought he was a man!"
Silence filled the room.
"Wait a minute." said Diablo. "If Voldemort's a girl, and you got him, ah, her, pregnant, then that means you're a-"
He was cut off by Doom retching on his shoes.
THE END