By Serena Kenobi
Rating: K+
Author's notes: IT'S HERE, EVERYONE!! I know, I'm just as excited as you. I hope you enjoy this parody of A New Hope. Don't forget to R&R! Thanks!
Disclaimer: If I owned Star Wars... well... Palps would be cleaning out my fridge! bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Chapter One
It was a time of war in the galaxy. The Insubordination Association was fighting against the evil and ruthless Empire, led by Emperor Scalpatine and his right hand man, Darth Elevator, who struck fear into the hearts of many.
However, Princess Leia Organic was not one of those many. She led a daring chase over the desert planet of Catooine, with Elevator hard on her tail.
"We're disaster-prone!" Cheapio wailed as the ship rocked. "Artu-tu, I don't know how we got into this mess, but it's all YOUR fault!"
Artu-tu, used to the protocol droid's annoying behavior, whistled something rude.
"How rude!" Cheapio snapped.
Bite me, ya prissy! Artu-tu beeped, rolling off to find Leia.
"They'll be no escape for the Princess this time!" Cheapio added all-knowingly.
Leia popped her brown cinnamon-bun head out from behind a doorway and shouted, "Oh SHUT UP, you GOLDEN PIECE OF METAL!" Leia had a bad habit of yelling, shouting, screaming, hollering, shrieking, roaring, screeching, barking, bellowing, and… well, you get the point.
She also loved the color white. Everything was white. White, white, white, white, and… more white. Maybe it was because she had been born with a mother who had worn white during birth. Maybe it was because she was a rebellious teenager and her adoptive mother loved bright and colorful fabrics, such as tangerine oranges, teal turquoises, and bright pinks and purples. Leia could tolerate black, since it wasn't technically a color, but anything other than black or white – she'd go ballistic.
Anyways, Leia was at that moment trying to get some plans to the Insubordination Association so that they could find a way to blow up the Murder Star. She looked around to make sure no one was looking and popped a disc into her faithful companion Artu-tu, who beeped and rolled away.
"Hey, where are you going?" Leia demanded. "Come back!"
Artu-tu turned around questioningly.
"GOTCHA!" Leia screamed suddenly, lunging onto the droid and tackling it to the ground. "And she… MAKES THE TACKLE!" She jumped up and started to dance. "Oh yeah! Who's your daddy, baby, WHO IS YOUR DADDY?"
She also had an unhealthy obsession with holo football.
Artu-tu beeped in indignation as he lay there helplessly on the floor. Leia quickly hopped up, grabbed a pistol, and went to hide behind something.
"Artu-tu? Artu-tu, where are you?" Cheapio whined, entering the room.
Artu-tu whistled.
"Well don't look at me, I'm not the clumsy one who fell over," Cheapio sniffed, kicking him.
Would ya help me up, here? Artu-tu demanded.
"Fine," the other droid sulked, and stiffly managed to bring the astro droid upright. Artu-tu then rolled into a secret hatch, calling Cheapio to follow him.
"You can't go in there, it's restricted!" Cheapio exclaimed.
Artu-tu just ignored him.
During this enlightening conversation, the Insubordinates (oh hang this, we'll just call 'em Rebels) were fighting against the swarmtroopers. However, the ship was not extremely well equipped for good hiding places, so they were shot down almost at once. The others ran off to find a good hiding spot.
A large, dark form entered into the Tentative IVXL (the designers clearly didn't know their Roman numerals).
It was the almighty, ever-feared…
"I WANT TO BLOW SOMETHING UP!"
… Darth Elevator!
The great machine man strode into the ship, assessing the damage done to the Rebels. "Good…" he mused in his deep, non-authentic voice. "But where are those blasted plans?" Just to enhance that question, he drew out a mini detonator.
"No my lord!" An officer cried, knowing the dangers of blowing something up in such a small space. "Not in – TAKE COVER!" He lunged into another room, and the swarmtroopers dropped to the ground as Elevator hurled a detonator into a wall of the ship.
KA-BOOM! An entire wall blew open, causing sparks, smoke, and dust to fly everywhere.
"…Here…" the officer finished weakly before passing out.
Elevator surveyed the damage, mightily pleased with himself. "Ho, ho, ho!" he chuckled deeply. Then, realizing that he sounded eerily like a slug on the hated planet of Catooine, he abruptly stopped himself. "Uh… he, he, he!" He twirled his cape around, feeling much like Zorro, and hurried off to find the other officers.
He found them holding a Rebel officer, and he suddenly reached out and grabbed him by the neck. "What have you done with those plans?" he angrily demanded.
"Uh…" the officer choked, "We… intercepted no transmissions... this is a consular ship… we're on a … diplomatic mission!"
"If this is a consular ship, then where is the ambassador?" Elevator shouted, shaking him by the throat.
A little old man with a cane hobbled forward. "Present!" he croaked.
Elevator turned his head to look at him, then swiveled back to the officer. "Oh." Nodding to an officer, he watched as one of his men came up behind the old man and whacked him on the back of the head. "Now what do you have to say?" he shouted.
"You… killed the ambassador!" the Rebel gasped.
"No, I didn't."
"Well your… ahh… men did!"
"If the ambassador's not here, he doesn't exist," Elevator stated. The swarmtroopers helpfully dragged the old man out of the room, throwing him into a broom closet.
The Rebel stared in horror until he was tossed into a water pipe.
"Commander, tear this ship apart until you have found those plans and bring me the Ambassador, I want her alive!" Elevator roared, helmet swiveling.
The commander, an unknown fellow, frowned in confusion. "But… that was the Ambassador!" he protested.
"There is another!" Elevator shouted, striding off. Unfortunately, his cape caught in the doorway, and he WHOOSH! Slipped over and fell on his butt. "BLASTED CAPES!" he boomed.
There was no one to help him, as everyone was looking for the 'other' Ambassador.
"Uh, could somebody help me up?"
Hope you liked it! Well, I won't know if you don't review. Remember, no flaming allowed!
MtFbwy,
- Serena Kenobi