Bad Moon Rising was written by CCR.
The gang fights vampires, irony and themselves. Set in season 8, which I'm fairly sure was science fiction anyway. (Pod people anyone?) Cut into 2 parts, because it's long.
Jackie counted down the hours until she got off work. all she wanted was one measly drink after work. One drink to make her forget that all she did was run around town trying to find Christine St. George a sesame seed bagel with exactly sixteen sesame seeds on top.
The woman was, as Fez had put it, 'completely cuckoo.'
Sixteen sesame seeds, as though that were even possible. Now, a normal person would have told Christine to shove it, but Jackie was so desperate to work with the woman that she ended up buying a sesame seed bagel and picking off the seeds herself so that there were exactly sixteen on the damned thing.
And then she went into the restroom and hit her head on the wall.
She was doing that a lot lately. Sooner or later she was going to have to worry about having any aneurysm.
At least the day couldn't possibly get any worse.
"Jackie… come into my office for a minute."
Jackie groaned at her desk.
"You're in trouble!" The annoying receptionist cooed from her station.
Ignoring her, Jackie pressed the call button on her phone. "Coming Ms. St. George."
Jackie pulled out her pen and paper and walked into Christine's office, bracing herself for whatever out of the world quest Christine was going to send her on this time. Perhaps she was going to have to go slay Beowulf.
Except slaying Beowulf would be easier than whatever Christine wanted her to do.
"Jackie, close the door and sit down." The older woman commanded.
Jackie did as she was told.
"Jackie, I'm going to share with you the secret of life."
Jackie leaned back in her seat, ready for one of Christine's long diatribes.
"Blood."
Jackie shot up straight. "Uh, did you say blood?"
"Yes I did dear, blood."
Jackie gulped, "Uh, you mean like blood transfusions?"
Christine shook her head and laughed. "No, I mean drinking it."
For the first time in Jackie's life, she had no response.
"How do you think I managed to live for so long dear?"
Jackie blinked. "Uh, but you're only 50." Sure, fifty was old, but it wasn't as old as say…
"I'm 432 today Miss Burkhart."
Remember the part about the day not getting any worse? Well, Jackie takes that back.
"How would you feel about being one of us?"
Jackie was confused. "One of us who?"
Christine laughed. "A vampire my dear." She said condescendingly.
"No thank you, but I'll be sure to tell my mother about you."
Christine laughed again. "Oh honey, your mother has been one of us for years."
For some reason, that didn't really surprise Jackie.
Donna really liked her new boyfriend. Sure, he wasn't as funny as he thought he was, and he was kind of a man whore, but he was pretty and strong, even if he did look like he was clearly over thirty.
And he was currently inserting fangs into some other girl's neck.
Okay, so the man whore thing had bothered her in the beginning, but she got over it when he told her how much he liked her.
And the lame jokes he told weren't that big of a deal, given that she mostly concentrated on his muscles anyway.
Blood sucking however? Well, Donna really didn't know if she could deal with that.
Red Forman walked into his kitchen to get a beer during the commercial break of the Buccaneers VS Pistons game. Sam, the stranger his surrogate son had married, was currently in the kitchen drinking a glass of thick, dark red juice.
"What are you drinking there Sam?" He asked, hoping it wasn't tomato juice. (Only commies drink tomato juice.)
"It's the blood from an eighteen year old male virgin!" The blonde said in her usual upbeat manner.
Red laughed. "That's a good one."
She gave a ditzy laugh. "I know, finding eighteen year old virgins these days can be tough!"
Suddenly, the pieces of the puzzle came together. She always worked nights, she never went to church with them on Sundays, and she refused to touch garlic.
If there was one thing that Red hated more than commies, it was vampires.
"Would you like some?" She asked, holding out the glass.
"Does uh, Steven know that you…"
She shook her head. "No, I think it's a little too soon to be talking about that don't you think?"
Red really wanted to put a foot in irony's ass.
Donna paced in the basement, trying to come to grips with her boyfriend's uh, habit.
"Okay, so your boyfriend sucks blood. There's no need to panic." She told herself.
Wait, her boyfriend sucks blood. If there was any need to panic over anything, this would most definitely be it.
She was distracted however by Fez coming in.
"Hi Donna!"
Donna needed to talk to someone, and Fez would have to do.
"Uh, what would you do if you uh, knew something about somebody that could possibly ruin your relationship with them?"
Fez nodded. "Uh… it depends on what it is."
"Let's say I found out that Randy has a really bad habit."
The dark skinned man nodded pensively. "Are you talking about the vampire thing?"
"Yes." Donna paused. "Wait, how did you know?"
Fez laughed. "Donna, in my country, vampires out number regular people ten to one. You get really good at spotting them."
Donna crashed on the couch. "What am I going to do, Fez?"
Fez grasped Donna's hands. "Donna, in this situation there is only one thing you can do."
"Why are you two in a circle without me?" A sleepy Hyde asked Fez and Donna.
Fez looked over at Donna for help. "Donna is feeling stressed about her new relationship with Randy, and just wanted to take the edge off."
"My boyfriend sucks blood!"
Hyde laughed. "Wow, and you thought that thing Forman always tried to do was bad."
Neither of them laughed with Hyde.
"What?" He asked, sobering up.
"Hyde, Randy is a vampire."
Hyde sat quietly for a moment. "Huh, so does this mean I don't have to provide medical for him?"
"What am I going to do? Do I break up with him? Do I tell him I just want to be vampire and mortal? What if he wants to drink my blood? I don't want to be one of the undead!" The circle wasn't helping Donna at all.
The door opened and a flushed Jackie dropped into the circle. "Give me that now." She ordered Hyde.
"Say please." He commanded.
Jackie sighed. "Steven, I'm having a really bad day and could really use that right now so don't give me any of your crap okay? Just give me the freaking joint!"
Hyde crossed his arms. "What happened princess? Did your purse not match your shoes?"
"My shoes and purse matched perfectly, thanks. Joint, now!" She held out her hand.
Fez took the joint from Hyde and passed it to Jackie. "Here you go Jackie."
She smiled at him. "Thank you, Fez." She took the hit and instantly felt better. She turned to Donna who was still muttering to herself. Given this was a common occurrence for Donna, she ignored her and looked over at the two guys.
"What would you do if someone, say, your whack job bitch of a boss told you a secret about herself that was so disturbing that you'd actually consider getting a lobotomy just in hopes that you'd forget it?"
Hyde laughed. "Did she tell you about the first time she did it?"
Fez laughed as well. "Or worse, the last time she did it!"
Jackie sighed. "No, this was much, much worse."
Donna looked up. "Is it worse than finding out that your boyfriend is a blood sucking fiend?"
Jackie nodded. "Donna, my boss offered to make me immortal today."
The two girls stared at each other for a moment before they spoke at the same time.
"Did you say blood sucking fiend?"
"Did you say immortal?"
"I said no of course, because well, eww!" Jackie told them.
Hyde laughed. "Man are you two screwed!"
Kitty Forman sat next to her husband on their bed.
"Did you say vampire?"
Red nodded.
"She was drinking blood in our kitchen?"
He nodded again.
In our kitchen?"
Red looked at his wife. "Kitty, I think you're missing the point."
"That's the place we eat, Red! That's where I raised my children and their friends! I will not have a vampire drinking blood in my kitchen!" Kitty's voice was getting high pitched.
Red rubbed his face.
"Oh Red, what if she wants Steven to become one? I mean, we know he does stuff that isn't exactly legal, but blood? I'm just not sure there are enough yellow pills for that!"
"Okay, here is what we're going to do." Red told his wife. "We're going to sit down with Sam and tell her that there will be no more of that… thing… in our house."
Kitty nodded her agreement. "We should probably tell Steven as well."
Red sighed. "By we, you mean me don't you?" The two of them got up and walked downstairs to talk to Sam.
"Can you believe this?" Donna asked Jackie as they walked into the library to search for books on vampires.
"I know, Steven is such a jerk."
Donna pushed her friend lightly. "I meant my boyfriend and your boss being creatures of the night!"
"Do you think they turn into bats like in the movies?" Jackie asked.
Donna shuddered. "I don't want to date a bat!" "Come on; let's go find those books like Fez told us too."
Jackie nodded and the two walked over the front desk. "I can't believe vampires out number mortals ten to one on his island. Now I really understand why he never wanted to go back!"
Donna laughed at Jackie and turned to the librarian. "Hi, can you point us to the books on vampires?"
"Section D my dear." The old lady told the two girls. Thanking her, they walked over to section D to find the vampire books.
"I say we just get every book that says Vampire on the cover." Jackie suggested.
Donna nodded. "Good idea, and let's look in the indexes of all these other books too, anything that mentions them, we get."
They ended up checking out every book in the section.
"Wow, that's quite a stack you girls have there!" The old librarian commented.
"I can't see!" The stack of books Jackie held was taller than her.
"Let me help with that." A familiar voice said to them.
"Randy!" Donna tried to sound excited.
"So… what's with all the books on vampires?" He asked.
Sensing trouble, Jackie broke in. "I'm going to community college now and I'm doing a project for one of my classes." She lied.
Randy smiled. "It's okay, Jackie… I guess you know about me huh?" He asked Donna.
The blonde smiled nervously. "I hope this doesn't change things."
He laughed. "I'm afraid it does Donna, I'm going to have to kill you now."
Was this one of those times where he was trying to be funny? She could never tell!
She laughed again. "That's a good one."
"I'm serious Donna, I can't deal with you knowing, and so, I'm going to kill you."
Jackie broke in again. "By kill, do you mean kill, kill, or make into one of you?"
Donna glared at her best friend. "Jackie now is not the time."
"Well, pardon me for being concerned about you, Donna!"
Donna shook her head. "I meant now is the time to start running!" The girls ran out without the books and to the basement as fast as they could.
Fez and Hyde were waiting for them.
"You didn't get the books." Fez stated the obvious.
"Randy caught us." Jackie informed them.
"Aiii" Fez mumbled from his chair. "This is not good."
"He said he's going to kill me." Donna told the boys.
"I still want to know if he meant kill as in dead, or kill as in turn you into one of them?" Jackie pondered.
"Either way, it's bad." Donna responded dryly.
Hyde snickered. "Man, am I so glad I'm not you two."
"Steven?" Red called from the top of the stairs. "I need to see you for a moment in the garage!"
"Have a beer." Red handed him a beer out of the cooler.
"Uh, thanks."
"Steven, there isn't an easy way to say what I'm about to say, so I'm just going to come out and say it." Red told Hyde.
Hyde was confused. "Uh, okay."
"You know how we told you that whatever you decided to do about Sam was your choice?"
Hyde nodded. "Yeah?"
"And how are things with you two?"
"They're good." Hyde answered (The truth was he thought she was a little… stupid for a lack of a better term, but she served a very important purpose and that's all that mattered.)
"Steven, I believe that honesty is the key to a long and healthy marriage, and your wife isn't being completely honest with you."
Hyde leaned on the garage wall. "Just tell me what it is, Red."
"Your wife is a vampire."
Hyde started laughing. "Oh that's a good one, Red, for a minute I thought you said she was a vampire!" Seeing that Red wasn't laughing with him, he stopped.
"Red?"
"She told me herself, after I caught her drinking a glass of blood." Red explained to Hyde.
Hyde did the only thing one could do when they found out their spouse was one of the undead.
He threw up.
After Hyde got himself together and hosed off the mess in Red's garage, he walked back into the basement so that he could get his thoughts together.
"I'm married to a vampire." He said as he sat in his chair.
His three friends had very peculiar reactions to this news. Fez shouted "I knew it!" Donna's eyes went large as she pondered what the deal with all the vampires was, and Jackie, well; as soon as Jackie stops laughing we'll let you know what her reaction was.
"I'm so glad you find this amusing." He told her sarcastically.
She looked up with him, her eyes beaming with unshed tears of laughter and pointed. She opened her mouth to say something but ended up collapsing on the floor again.
"This isn't funny, Jackie." Donna reprimanded her.
Jackie shook her head. "You're right, Donna, it's hilarious!"
"Jackie, focus!" The blonde commanded.
The brunette took a deep calming breath, got off the floor and moved back to the couch. "Yes, yes, I'm focused."
"Good." Donna said sharply before turning her attention to Hyde. "You married a vampire!" She and Jackie clutched each other as they fell back on to the floor.
Hyde looked at Fez for help. Fez just shrugged at him. "Sorry amigo, but even you have to appreciate the humor."
As a matter of fact, Hyde did not appreciate the humor. In fact, he didn't think it was funny at all.
"Mrs. Forman, what am I going to do? I want to keep my job, but I don't know if I can work for a walking, talking, blood sucking corpse!" Jackie complained to Kitty in the kitchen.
"What about me?" Donna complained. "I kissed one!" "A lot!"
Kitty shook her head at the two girls. "I think the one we should really be concerned about is Steven."
"Oh right." Jackie muttered darkly, "It's always about Steven. You know what Mrs. Forman ? Steven is a jerk who deserves what he got."
"Jackie…" Donna warned her.
"No, Donna. You will not defend him or her anymore." Seeing that she wasn't going to get any sympathy, she walked to the kitchen door and without a word, left.
Donna put her head in her hands. "What am I going to do?" She asked no one in particular.
"I'll tell you what you're going to do." Fez said as he dropped a bag of stakes onto the table. "You're going to get him before he gets you."
Red walked in behind him carrying even more stakes.
"Do we really need all those?" Kitty asked.
Red nodded. "Kitty, there are vampires all over this town right now."
"It's true; I saw at least twenty at The Hub." Fez agreed.
Donna shook her head. "What is there a vampire convention here or something?"
"I bet they're from Kenosha." Bob said walking in carrying a big metal baseball bat.
"Bob, what the hell are you going to use a metal baseball bat for?" Red asked.
"You never know when one of these might come in handy when dealing with vampires, Red."
Red looked around. "Where is Steven?"
"He's downstairs having a heart to uh, heart with his wife."
"And Jackie?"
"She just left." Donna omitted the reason why.
Hyde sat on the couch with Sam, trying to find the best way to approach the subject.
"So, is there something you want to tell me?" He asked.
"Red told you didn't he?" She questioned.
"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to scare you off, I love you."
All he heard though was. "Well, I don't love you." And "I'm sorry but I can't be with you anymore." And "This is goodbye."
"I think it's a real waste because I love you!"
He shook his head to get Jackie out. "I'm sorry Sam, but I can't be married to a vampire."
Sam sighed. "I thought you might say that. I'll leave tonight."
"No, you'll leave now." Red said as he came down the stairs holding a stake. "Or I'll put this through your heart."
Sam's eyes went wide as she saw the stake. "I'll leave now." She said quickly, running into her and Hyde's room.
"I really didn't want to hurt her feelings." Hyde told the older man.
Red started laughing.
"What?" Hyde asked, peeved.
"It's nothing." Red told him, "Just irony seems to be showing itself a lot today."
After Sam left, the group reconvened into the kitchen.
"Okay, we need a plan." Red told them as he laid down a map of Point Place on the table.
Fez tapped his fingers nervously on the table.
"Fez, will you stop that?" an irritated Donna asked.
He got up out of his seat. "I'm going to go find Jackie." He told them.
"Jackie will be fine; she just needs to blow off some steam."
Fez stared at Donna. "Donna, there are vampires out there, one of whom wants to make Jackie one of them. So pardon me for being worried about my friend. I'm going to go find her and make sure she's okay. Now good day."
"But Fez…"
"I said Good Day!" he shouted back as he ran out the door.
Donna turned to the rest of her friends and to the Formans. "I don't know what he's talking about, I have someone after me too."
Irony winked and tilted his hat at Red.