A/N: I haven't written anything in a while. I nitpicked "Drowning on Dry Land" to death last week. Feel free to do the same to my ficlet.
"You purchase pain with all that joy can give,
And die of nothing but a rage to live."
- Alexander Pope
Pain.
Pain pain pain pain PAIN. Something is crushing her chest; each breath is an agonizing struggle for air. At first she thinks she is still in the water, but this pressure is different than the awful feeling of her lungs filling with fluid. She feels as though she is being squeezed in a vice, and every time she exhales it gets tighter and tighter. Panic creeps up on her like the monster in her childhood closet.
She tries to scream and realizes someone is choking her! There is something in her throat! No. air. Air air air. She frantically reaches up to clear her airway, but her arms remain lying limply at her sides; dead weight.
Dead.
Death.
She is going to die!
No no no, there is too much left to say!
Meredith's eyes fly open in a panic only to shut just as quickly as bright lights assail her senses. Sounds swirl around her in a confusing clamor of rapidly beeping alarms and urgent human voices. Again she cries out, and again all that comes from her throat is a strangled hum. She coughs, and then arches her back and screams as the pain in her chest flares.
She can feel herself about to pass out, the gentle pull of darkness seeming so, so promising in this moment of terror.
Someone pulls her eyelid open. Through a sheen of tears caused by fear and pain she recognizes a shock of dark hair and a familiar black sweater before her eyes reflexively shut to block the bright light.
And then, as quickly as her consciousness has made her aware of the pain, it disappears. She feels numb. A pleasant, drowsy sensation passes over her, and Meredith knows she is finally going to die. Disappear forever. She forces her eyes open and looks at Derek, who has leaned over her. Someone pulls whatever it is out of her throat, and this time, the coughing doesn't even hurt. A warm hand strokes her hair gently. She takes a grateful gulp of oxygen before the blackness takes her.
Derek leans against the wall outside Meredith's hospital room and tries to calm his breathing. He is hyperventilating. It has been three days. Three days since the ferry boat disaster. Three days since he pulled Meredith out of the bathtub. Three days since he pulled her blue, lifeless body out of Puget Sound.
Someone hands him a paper bag and places a cool hand on the back of his neck. Ah, Addison. He trembles and slides to the ground as his legs turn to jelly. Addie pushes the bag towards his mouth. There have been a few moments like this over the last three days, moments when Derek feels the weight of impending loss hovering over him like a suffocating cloud. But this is a different kind of feeling. Meredith, his Meredith, has woken up.
Derek has known that if she ever woke up – when she woke up – that he would be relieved. He's known that. It is all he has thought about for days now. He hasn't eaten unless forced. The Chief has let him take a blanket to the cushioned recliner in Meredith's room and hasn't once bothered him about going home, but he hasn't slept. All Derek has done during the last three days is pray to whatever God existed that his beautiful Meredith will wake up and be fine. And he's cried. A lot.
But he hasn't been prepared for what has actually happened. He is still relieved, but watching her cry out in agony from her broken ribs and bruises (bruises and broken ribs he has given her), watching her fight the intubation… it is just more than he has been prepared to handle. She hadn't seemed to recognize him, the two times her panicked gaze had met his. Derek isn't even sure she could see him through her tears. He wipes at his eyes; he'd barely been able to see her through his.
"She woke up, Derek. That's good. Her EEG looks normal. She's just sleeping now."
Derek gasps and draws a hand across his eyes. Addison's hand rubs reassuring circles on his back as his shuddering breathing begins to calm. He gives her a jerky nod and moves the bag away from his mouth.
"It's just… she just…. I can't…"
"I know. But nothing you saw in there is abnormal. Bailey and the Chief worked on her for a long time. She's going to have some pain."
"I know, I know."
"It's common for patients to be confused the first time they wake up."
Derek nods. He knows all of this, but it really is nice to have someone reassuring him, telling him everything is fine. It might not be fine. She could still have brain damage no matter how good her EEG looks. But at least she is alive. And awake. If he is honest, it is more than he's been expecting after she'd been without a heartbeat for so long.
The thunder of many pairs of feet echoes down the hallway and Addison stands from her crouch beside him to block Meredith's door.
"How is she?"
"I heard she woke up."
"Bailey paged us 911! Is she okay?"
"Let me see her, now."
Derek casts a weary look up at Meredith's best friends and rubs his face. Addison meets his gaze and looks back to the interns.
"She's sleeping. She is confused and in a lot of pain when she woke up, so she's been given a light sedative and some pain medication. She needs quiet sleep right now, so no. You cannot see her."
"But Bailey – "
"Dr. Bailey is still with her. If you really think she's going to give you a different answer than mine, feel free to take it up with her." Addison's sharp gaze meets the eyes of every one of them. Only Cristina doesn't flinch. "That's what I thought. Now, all of you have a seat and try to calm down."
The four of them slump down on the floor of the hallway directly across from Derek. Izzie reaches her arm around George; he gently but firmly shrugs her off and looks at Derek. Izzie shoots her friend an injured look and opens her mouth, but seems to think the better of it and averts her gaze to her lap.
Addison leans down and squeezes Derek's shoulder, ignoring whatever drama is still unfolding with the younger doctors. "You'll be alright, then?"
"Yeah, thanks Addison."
Derek crumples the paper bag in his hands and listens to his ex-wife's expensive heels clicking down the corridor, leaving an awkward silence. After a few minutes of sitting and staring, George clears his throat.
"Did she… I mean, did it seem like she is, you know, normal?"
Derek furrows his brow in confusion and meets George's nervous stare.
"He means does she have brain damage, Shepherd," Cristina cuts in shortly.
"Cristina!" Izzie glares at Meredith's unrepentant best friend in horror.
"No, I want to know. We don't know how long she is underwater, Izzie. She could have brain damage. She might." Cristina nods her head sharply to accentuate the point and pins Derek with her direct and demanding stare.
When Derek replies, his voice is rough and low. "I don't know. We'll have to wait until she wakes up again… do some tests. She how she responds."
"Great, that's great." Alex taps his shoes back and forth in frustration. "How long until she wakes up again?"
Derek opens his mouth, but is saved from having to tell them he didn't know by Miranda Bailey stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her. In an instant, all four of her remaining healthy interns are on their feet, bombarding her with questions.
"Whoa whoa, all of you sit right back down where you were!"
Izzie, George, and Alex lean back against the wall, but Cristina stays standing.
"I have a right to know, Dr. Bailey. She's my best friend, and I'm her power of attorney. I want to know how she is."
"And I'll tell you all, Yang, just as soon as you sit your ass down. I don't care who you are when you get in my face. Sit down!"
Derek gave a little start when Cristina mentioned being Meredith's PoA. He hasn't given much thought to that, and can't help the burning feeling that it should be him making medical decisions for Meredith, not Cristina. It is a pointless train of thought, but drives home his need to make his relationship with Meredith more permanent. It is permanent to him, but not to very many other people. Maybe not even to Meredith. One of many things he vows to rectify as soon as the love of his life is better.
Cristina backs off reluctantly and sits against the wall next to Alex.
"Derek, you can go in while I talk to these fools."
Derek gives her a grateful, anxious smile and leaves her to deal with the remainder of Meredith's family.
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