It's Kage/Shade again!

This time, I've finished up an old fanfic that I started on a few months ago. There's not enough Nils love on this site (except for maybe a few NilsxNinian fics, but those scared even ME), so I decided to go with an idea and write this. I am never writing first-person again, though. I suck at it, pure and simple. Feel free to read despite that, though. XD

Disclaimer: I do not own FE.

The Diary of Nils

Entry 1

Lucius gave me this diary as a parting gift. He was very kind to Ninian and I before when were being pursued by the Black Fang. I shall miss him, and Lyn, and everyone else in 'Lyndis' Legion'. I didn't want to leave, but…it wouldn't have been right to burden Lyn with our troubles.

Speaking of not right, that leads me to this diary. Lucius said it was for keeping your secret thoughts in, but why would anyone want to keep a record of their 'secret' thoughts? If you put them on paper, then anyone can read them, and they are not secret anymore! It seems silly to me, but then again, most humans are silly. Even I am silly, rambling to a book when it cannot understand my words.

I doubt I'll be using this much. Ha ha ha.

Entry 2

Ninian looks so tired. This running is finally starting to take its toll on her again. I wish there something I could for her, but I don't know what…I doubt she'll be able to travel for much longer. Gah…she's my sister, they only person on this continent that understands how I feel. How can I be so powerless to help her? How can I?

Entry 3

I have not been able to write anything since we were captured by Nergal. Captain Fargus was kind enough to give me pen and ink, to satisfy my urge to write. Even pirates can be good people.

It's so quiet on the ship now. There is so much sadness here, almost so much that I feel like I'm walking in nothing but a tangible cloud of it. Lord Elbert, the man that was so kind to my sister and I, who told us stories and helped us escape, is now dead. Lord Eliwood has not left his father's side ever since we set sail for Badon. Matthew seems to have lost someone as well; he doesn't say much, but I can feel his sadness. I don't think there's a happy person on this ship. Even Serra is being quiet and broody. I'm the only one that seems to be happy.

For the first time in a long while, I feel safe. My sister is safe, and we are well. I almost want to jump around like a little kid and play songs all through the night. I dare not be that rude, despite my feelings. Still, for the moment, I am happy.

Entry 4

The heat is killing me! Nothing but sand and heat and more sand and even more heat. Despite how impossible this sounds, I think I was sweating even more than Lord Hector, and he had to take off his armor to pour the sweat out of it. Speaking of Lord Hector, I wish he hadn't tried to carry me. I smell more like him now than I do me. Ugh.

At least it didn't seem to affect Ninian too badly. At least she wasn't carried by a great stinky gorilla like I was. I WILL NEVER STOP SMELLING LIKE HIM. NASTY. I did notice the way she was clinging to Lord Eliwood's arm, though… Nah, it was just because of the heat. There can't be anything there.

I'm sitting here writing this while the rest of the company is visiting Athos. I don't want to see that man. Just looking at him brings back too many painful memories of when I was young.

The temperature in the shade isn't so bad, at least. It's still hot, but I don't feel like I'm melting anymore. It doesn't help the stench any—did I mention that I smell like man sweat? Yuck.

Entry 5

She loves him. No, let me say that again: SHE LOVES HIM. SHE HAS FEELINGS FOR HIM AND I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY. …I lied, I do know why she has feelings for him. Lord Eliwood is a kind man, and a caring one. But…could he care for Ninian if he knew what she—what we are? I know Ninian thinks about that, too; I see not only the love, but the pain in her eyes every time she looks at Lord Eliwood. And yet, in his eyes…there's nothing but love. I don't know. I know he loves Ninian, but he's still a human, and no matter what their actions may dictate, all humans are the same on the inside when it comes to their fear.

How do I know she loves him, and he her? I saw them…kissing. It wasn't a light kiss on the cheek, either. It was…like they were trying to swallow each other's faces. That had to have been the most disturbing, disgusting thing I have ever seen. I think I shall take a walk, maybe play my flute and clear my head.

JOURNAL EDIT: I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO SEE HECTOR AND LYN AND FLORINA IN THAT POSITION AGAIN! EVER!!! THAT WAS THE MOST DISTURBING AND DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!

Entry 6

She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. That is the stupidest thing I have ever written. She is gone, and I can never see her again. He killed her. She stood before him, all the love in her eyes, and he killed her. That red-haired bastard killed my sister…he will pay…he will pay…even if it takes a thousand years…he…will…pay…pay…pay…Ninian…she…I…loved…forever…gone…Ninian…Ninian…Ninian…Ninian…Ninian…Ninian…

Entry 7

I only have a bare few minutes to write this, as I am currently hiding in a copse of trees in the middle of a battle. It is not the final battle, but it is no less desperate than what that battle shall be; so desperate that even I have some use this time.

Anyway, I forgave him. Maybe not completely, because he still killed her, but enough to fight along side of him. Even knowing of what I am, he still accepts me, and if he accepts me, then I know he would have accepted Ninian and loved her with all his heart. Ninian…I can never take your place, but today, I'm going to try to work your magic. I love you, my dear sister. If we somehow do not make it through this, then…I shall see you soon. I love you.

Entry 8

I let her go.

I don't know how exactly he did it, but she was there. Alive. Standing in her silky dress, she put an end to the lives of dragons, before she collapsed again. The rest was a blur…I remember Lord Eliwood's cursed sword impaling the dragon's eyes, and that is all. Everything now seems so dim now that I am here.

The only thing that lingers in my mind is Ninian. When the battle was over, I hugged her. I hugged her and I cried as she held me. My sister was alive again, my world was right once more.

And I let her go.

When you love something, you must set it free, or so I was told. She was ready to come back with me, to the other side, but… I love her. To have had her return with me instead of remaining with her true love… I could not get in the way of their happy ending. I could not bring myself to take her with me; it would break her heart.

My last memory of her will forever be of her standing there, clutching Lord Eliwood's arm. Even though I will never see her again, the image of her with the one she loves gladdens me, for I know that right now, she is happy. And her happiness, even if it involves me leaving her in another world, makes me happy.

My use for this book has now ended. May it serve some purpose in this world—in my home.

Thanks for reading! R&R, please.