Disclaimer : I do not own X/1999, CLAMP does. If I did, there would be no sneaky we-only-feel-like-hinting-at-deeper-yaoi-relationships-between-our-characters and more direct and straight to the point yaoi.

Note : This came to me after reading a Subaru x Fuuma oneshot. I'm a total fan of Seishirou x Subaru (my OTP in X and Tokyo Babylon) and Fuuma x Kamui. I'm familiar with Subaru x Kamui as well; I've seen enough scenes between them in the series to see what their fans base their fandom on. I've got proof of Seishirou x Fuuma too. I find them so adorable. I don't know why XP

My apologies for the first chapter. I can't seem to write down how I picture the Subaru x Kamui scene. Lemon scenes in later chapters.

COMBINATION

Theorem 8 : Order is not important
The number of combinations of n distinct objects taken r at a time is n/ (r!(n-r)!)

CHAPTER ONE: HEAVEN

It was because Seishirou was never there.

That was what Subaru told himself as he kissed Kamui's lips and caressed his cheek, as his hands stroked the teen's skin and his mouth tattooed the soft flesh.

Seishirou was never there to comfort him when he was depressed because of an exorcism gone wrong. He was never there to congratulate him on a job well done. Never there for him on the nights when he lay shivering in bed, staring at the angry raindrops pounding on the window.

He was tired of looking for someone who apparently didn't want to be found. He was tired of being toyed with and treated as a passing fancy. Tired of being emotionally abused and sexually harassed. After all, nine years was a long time to search for someone.

He tried to push away thoughts of the Sakurazukamori and concentrate on Kamui lying wantonly on the bed beneath him. He trailed his hands down Kamui's sides while his tongue started laving the curve of the younger boy's navel.

He should have moved on a long time ago. The nine years spent wasting away for Seishirou haunted him and he was trying to make up for the lost time. He was grasping urgently for the love that the younger seal was offering, fully aware that what initially brought them together was actually desperation born from loneliness. He was trying to love Kamui the way the boy had grown to love him, trying to forget the sound of Seishirou's voice, trying to replace the half-blind amber gaze with one of a soft mauve color.

Seishirou didn't love him anyway. He was just a toy to the assassin, something to be used and then thrown away when it was broken. Seishirou had toyed with him often enough to break him, used him to the point where Subaru thought that the only thing he wanted in life was to be killed by the man that had turned his world upside down.

A breathless gasp reached his ears and he smiled before taking Kamui's heated flesh into his mouth and sucking hard. The onmyouji placed his hands on Kamui's hips and swirled his tongue around the tip before taking the member into his mouth again.

Yes, it was definitely better this way. Here with Kamui, he would be safe. He wouldn't get hurt, wouldn't have his hopes repeatedly raised then dashed against the ground, wouldn't lie awake at night anymore thinking of the one he hated and loved, wouldn't feel like his heart was being ripped apart.

It was better this way. And yet…he somehow knew it wasn't.

xxx

It was because Fuuma was not really there.

His body was there but his mind wasn't there.

His heart wasn't there.

Kamui had always known that he wasn't strong. He had always been small for his age and physically weaker than the other boys in his age group. Being picked on wasn't unfamiliar as well. Being teased and ridiculed was part of life during his younger years.

But Fuuma had always been there to protect him. To stop things when he saw what was happening. To make sure that while he was around, Kamui would be happy and unhurt.

Kamui gasped, back arching, as his hands moved of their own accord to bury themselves into Subaru's ebony locks. A moan escaped from his throat, his breathing quickly becoming ragged as the onmyouji's tongue swirled patterns on the tip of his cock.

Whenever he saw what had happened to his childhood friend, something inside cracked and broke away, falling into a dark abyss. The Fuuma that was left behind wasn't really Fuuma. It was Kamui; a horrible twisted parody of the one he held closest and named after him. He hated Kamui for that. Because Fuuma deserved better.

Something to remind him that everything that was happening was his fault. His fault for not being strong enough. His fault for not being able to defend the world where Fuuma lived. His fault for not being able to erect a barrier. Everything was his fault.

So he clung to Subaru. The green-eyed youth was the only thing that anchored him, helping him to stay sane during the days when everything seemed to slowly slip into insanity.

Subaru leant up to capture Kamui's lips in a tender kiss. His hands held onto the older man's arms, trying not to lose himself in the sensations the other seal was inflicting on him.

He wanted so much to let go, though. To free-fall into the nothingness surrounding him these days. He wanted to let go and just flow along with the events that were taking place. He was tired of fighting against Kamui, of trying to be strong enough to face someone he didn't want to fight, only to protect.

So he tried to concentrate on Subaru; the one who provided the warmth and security he needed. Subaru, who was there when Kamui wasn't, who gave the love that he hungered for. Who understood what it felt like to love and hate someone at the same time.

xxx

"Why do you love me?"

The question was born of impulse, Kamui's fingers digging into Subaru's arm as they lay together in bed. The onmyouji found himself lost in mauve eyes as Kamui waited for his response. After a few heartbeats, Subaru realized that an answer was expected from him and he took a deep breath.

"I don't know why I love you."

At the disappointed look in the teen's eyes, he hurried to explain. "But is it really important that I have a reason? I think you don't need a reason to love someone because that would be like justifying why you feel that way towards them. I don't need a reason to love you, Kamui. I just do."

(And I love you more, Seishirou-san.)

Kamui wrapped his arms around Subaru's waist and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry if I offended you…I didn't mean to doubt you. I just…wanted to be sure."

A pale white hand stroked absentmindedly through black locks. Kamui sighed and buried his face deeper into Subaru's chest, relishing the feeling of skin against skin, the way that the rise and fall of the older man's chest seemed like a soothing lullaby.

He pressed a kiss against Subaru's neck and whispered, "I love you too, Subaru."

(I loved you first, Fuuma.)