Title: Sleep
Author: de Duchess
Rating: pg/k+
Disclaimer: Characters mentioned don't belong to me. This story is purely for entertainment, no infringement intended.
Spoilers: none
AN: Another old story... just posting it here. Archived at Divine Intervention.
Summary: Nightmares were the reason Clark was currently awake, why he was guarding the one he loved, from the one force he couldn't fight. Her dreams.
SLEEP
What is sleep?
Sleep is a time when you dream.
But then the obvious question would be, what are dreams?
If you sit and watch a person sleep, you can learn a lot about them. In fact, it's been said that when you can sit and watch a person sleep, and be completely mesmerized, you're in love.
Clark had been watching Lois sleep for almost an hour now. And yes, he was mesmerized
No one knows what happens when you're asleep. It's a topic that has scientists in heavy debate. It's a fancy way of saying that they're baffled and have no clue.
When a person sleeps, their brain activity decreases. That is a fact. But it only decreases to a degree. There isn't so little activity that it would suggest that there's only so much as strictly necessary.
So, what is sleep?
Sleep is when your body and mind relax.
Clark being who he was, didn't need sleep as much as most people. So he sat, propped up against the headboard and simply watched Lois sleep. He had a pillow on his lap and Lois rested on it, curled up on her side, her hair just barely touching his stomach, her feet almost dangling off of the side of the bed. Clark had one arm draped over her, while the other supported the pillow slightly. A blanket draped over her still form.
Her eyes moved behind her eyelids – she was dreaming.
Some say dreams are a way for your subconscious to deal with the day's events. Some people have prophetic dreams. Once again, there's no explanation, but we all know it's true. And then there are simply nightmares.
Nightmares were the reason Clark was currently awake, why he was guarding the one he loved, from the one force he couldn't fight. Her dreams.
He'd had a prophetic dream once – several in fact. But then again he wasn't exactly human so maybe he didn't count. On the eve of his graduation he'd had one. When he and his parents had been interrupted by Lois, she'd remarked that she had nightmares 'all the time'.
She hadn't been kidding.
They weren't nightmares but night terrors. At least that was what the shrink said. Being a reporter meant that you saw the most terrible things from up close. A reporter was supposed to get the story and not worry about anything else.
A good reporter however, got the story and then jumped in, to help in anyway possible.
Lois wasn't just a reporter, or even simply a good one. She was a great one. Lois didn't arrive at a scene and get the story, she multi-tasked. She would assess the situation and then jump in and help in any way she could. Then she'd return to her desk and write. She wouldn't stand on the sidelines so she could get the awesome shot of a woman trying to drag a child out of burning car. She'd drag Jimmy along and make him take the picture, while she helped. It was who she was. And people respected her for it. She would never sacrifice anyone just to get a story. He respected her for that.
But it was policy. Every reporter at the Daily Planet saw the company shrink twice a month.
Lois saw her the mandatory two times a month, plus a private therapist once a week. Many thousands of dollars on therapy however couldn't stop the nightmares from returning every now and then.
It's been said that if you watch a person sleep, you can learn a lot about them.
Clark carefully brushed her bangs away from her cheek, admiring the beauty that was Lois Lane. In sleep her features were softer, more relaxed. In sleep she let her guard down, but only to a degree.
Lois wasn't a cuddler. They had been together for several months now, and every time they made love he would pull her close. She'd rest her head on his chest or they'd spoon together, his arms around her waist. And every morning he'd wake up to find that she wasn't in his arms anymore. He'd stayed awake once, simply holding her. Trying to figure out at least one of her mysteries. She'd slept peacefully for several hours before she'd twisted away from him. He'd tried to hold on and she awoke. Sleepily she'd smiled and snuggled back into his arms before falling asleep again. But half an hour later once again, she'd tried to remove herself from his embrace. When he'd carefully and strategically held onto her she'd grown agitated. She'd started getting a nightmare and he released her. It calmed her down. She could hold onto his hand or arm all night and they slept within inches of each other. But he couldn't hold her.
Lois was also a kicker. During the night she would often kick spasmodically, and had he not been who he was, he'd have his fair share of bruises. As it was, he was fine. He didn't tell Lois though. It would be more than a little cruel.
Though she stood tall and proud during the day, staring everyone defiantly in the eyes, at night she would sometimes curl up into a ball. She would hug her knees, or her pillow, his pillow, his arm, any part of him that was within arms length really. And she'd cry. Lois didn't thrash around when she had a nightmare. She didn't even scream. She simply curled up and cried.
He'd been out when he'd heard it. A choked sob that he knew was hers. He'd left the four bank robbers with the security guard who was waiting for the police and flown off. The guard had simply nodded, thinking Superman probably has someone else to save. And he did.
He'd arrived at their apartment moments later; it had taken him a mere second to change out of his Superman uniform and into slacks and a shirt. In the bedroom he'd found her. Curled up on the bed, hugging his pillow to her chest, silent tears coursing down her face. It almost broke his heart. He wanted to hug her, hold her tight and never let go. But he knew from experience that he couldn't. Holding her, restricting her, made things worse.
So he strode over to the bed and carefully unclenched her hands. Whispering her name, tenderly wiping the tears away, he tried to get her back. She finally stilled and he climbed into bed. He couldn't stop himself from pulling her into his arms and holding onto her.
Which had brought him here. Contemplating sleep and dreams.
It occurred to him that Lois, confident, strong and independent during the day, was at the mercy of nightmares. Nightmares she adamantly refused to share with him. Not that she needed to. He had a pretty good idea what they were about. His own greatest fear was the same.
Not being able to save someone he loved.
Which was a problem for them. It was the one thing they consistently fought about: Lois' insistence that he not save her. As far as she was concerned, his saving Metropolis was fine. But Metropolis did not include her. Unless, of course, she called for him.
Which meant that he continually pissed her off by appearing uncalled. He knew what had triggered this latest set of night terrors. Lex had been showing his true colours for a while and Lois was determined to bring him down. She and Chloe were taking risks, unnecessary risks in his eyes. He couldn't help; he would if they let him, but they both insisted it was too dangerous. Lex knew about Kryptonite. And though he wasn't aware of Superman's identity yet, he had taken to wearing a kryptonite ring at all times. All it would take was for him to notice Clark getting sick and he would connect the dots.
And so Lois and Chloe, as well as Perry, had ordered him to keep his distance. But he hadn't been able too. And they'd found out the hard way that Lex had supplied his lackeys with Kryptonite enforced weapons. Chloe and Lois had ended up saving him. It had taken him hours to recover. And Lois had been a wreck.
He had tried to save her and almost lost his life in the process. Invulnerability loses it touch when the one thing that can kill you is being wielded by the enemy.
Proof was all she needed. Enough proof that they could build a solid case against Lex. But until then, Lois was terrified of what Clark would do. Because she knew without a doubt that he would sacrifice himself if it meant saving her. And it haunted her.
Why it had manifested in her inability to be held was something more complicated. Lois didn't volunteer information about her past, but if he asked she'd always answer truthfully. So he knew how her mother had died. He knew that Lois had been visiting her in the hospital that day. That she'd been reading to her mom from a book and they both fallen asleep. Only her mother never woke up. One second she'd been sleeping peacefully, curled up by her mothers side, the next alarms had started blaring. He didn't know if that was what she was afraid of - falling asleep in his arms only to wake up and find him gone forever. But he knew that until the immediate danger was gone, Lois would never be truly content. She would continue to worry, and unfortunately he had no way of alleviating her fears.
Hours later found the sun staining the bedroom orange. Clark still remained propped up against the headboard, a pillow on his lap with Lois asleep in his arms.
He hadn't slept. He knew what plagued Lois. He knew what her nightmares were about. It's one thing to know that something isn't your fault; to rationally look at a situation and say 'I didn't cause this'. Unfortunately, it's another thing entirely to believe it.
What hurt the most was that he couldn't do anything about it. When he needed someone to talk to, he went to her. When Superman hadn't been able to save someone, he went to Lois. No matter what the situation, he could count on her to be there and support him. She'd always comfort him and make him feel able to stand up on his own again. She was his rock, his safe haven. She'd wrap him in her arms and hold him and her mere presence would soothe him until he was able to fly again. But he couldn't do the same for her.
He combed his fingers through her hair. He was invulnerable to practically everything. But he wasn't to this, to Lois' pain. Lois' insistence at him not trying to protect her and save her made a lot more sense as of late. Her independence and adamant refusal for help, her keeping people at arms length, all of it. She didn't want someone to die protecting her; she didn't believe she was worth that.
He knew better. She had told him once that she didn't want him to ever sacrifice his life for hers. That the world could continue without Lois Lane in it, but that the world needed Superman. He hadn't been able to make her understand that without her, there wouldn't be a Superman. Because losing her would destroy him. She was his heart, his soul: she was the woman he loved. To him she was worth everything.
He wasn't human. And because of that his emotions were different. 'Earthly Love' Jor-El had called it. For a very long time he hadn't known what it was. He had mistaken strong feelings of admiration, respect, infatuation, friendship and desire for love.
There's no definition for love, but everyone believes in it. Even the most cynical of cynical do. Soulmates are a whole other topic entirely. Clark believed in both. He couldn't explain it. If the need to be close to someone was so great that it pained you to leave them, that was love. If you feel their pain as acutely as you feel your own, as if your very minds were connected as much as your hearts, that's love. If the thought of living a life without them makes you physically ill, that is love.
So far he was three for three.
But what exactly was a soulmate? He knew without a doubt that Lois was his. And as the sunlight shone on her, bathing her in an almost angelic glow, he contemplated the meaning behind the word.
A soulmate was the person you were destined to be with. The person you would love forever no matter what. But no one knows exactly what love is. Everyone describes it differently, but everyone feels it. A soulmate is the person you can't live without.
It's been said that love is an illusion That love as portrayed in the movies and in novels is wrong. That if you can take a person and accept them with all their flaws, their irritating traits, their limitations and what's more, love them for them; that's real love. That there is no such thing as being perfect for another person, but simply being unable to live without them. He wasn't so cliché as to say that they completed each other. Rather that they complemented each other well. He didn't know which was true - the all-consuming perfect love, or the love that's riddled with annoyances and irritations.
He knew that trying to make a love perfect was what could ruin it. He should, it was what had happened with him and Lana. His love with Lois wasn't like that at all. Loving her hadn't changed the fact that they bickered like twelve years olds. It just meant that they had a very effective way of getting rid of their frustrations afterwards.
It also meant that he would die for her. She knew that, and it haunted her, invulnerable or not.
Love is risking everything for someone else to give them a chance at happiness.
Love is knowing that someone will die for you and being unwilling to see it happen.
He loved Lois and Lois loved him. Her nightmares wouldn't stop. Not so long as they loved each other. She would always fear he would put her life before his, and he always would. And every time he did, she would be pissed at him. It didn't matter. Not as long as he kept her safe. Because if anything happened to her, it wasn't that he would never forgive himself. He would die with her, because living without her wasn't possible.
Maybe that's what a soulmate was.
Lois stirred and he watched as she blinked, disoriented. Her eyes focused on him and she sat up, carefully repositioning to rest against his chest. His arms encircled her and he held her close, an understanding between them. She didn't have to ask why he wasn't lying next to her, why he'd been holding her. Her eyes were burning and a faint headache made it all to clear. Memories of Superman lying on the floor, blood staining the blue of his costume an unnatural red, ran through her minds eye.
"I can't lose you." He told her quietly.
Lois rested more securely in his embrace. "I know." She responded softly. "But I couldn't live with myself if you were gone because of me."
There was nothing more to be said.
They both knew that should the day come, they would both put the other before themselves. Selfishly they both wanted to be the one to make the sacrifice, because being the one left behind would be worse. It was who they were. It was why they loved. Neither had ever had anything so precious, and both were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to preserve it. But at the very least it had been said. The words were out there and the nightmares would inevitably return.
Some people say that Love will conquer all.
Clark hoped that was true. But deep down he knew it didn't matter. It wasn't about him saving Lois, or Lois protecting him. Apart they might have to sacrifice themselves for the other, but together they would be unstoppable.
Perhaps that's what soulmate means. Two people strong apart, but invincible together.
END
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