What it takes to make it real When our soul is gone what will we miss?
We're standing on the edge of this,
He was tired. His feet dragged along the paved dirt road unwillingly with utmost lethargy. He could feel the blood on his mask start to cake into dry crumbles in the mild spring heat of Konoha. Looking up from the dirt road, he saw the gates of the aforementioned village beckon him with open arms. The orange and yellow walls looked dulled and drained in the dusk lighting. A sigh escaped through the blue (now purple with the presence of blood) mask. His left eye was throbbing and he wondered briefly if he could get out of going to the hospital for a patch-up. The Hokage wouldn't be pleased if he didn't get checked out, but there was no way Hatake Kakashi was setting foot into Konoha Hospital when he was still on his own two feet.
The ANBU mission had been hard for the young copy-nin. Freshly 18, the silver-haired jounin already had his name scrawled in the bingo book with a bounty hanging over his head from high-up criminals. A simple information-retrieval mission had turned into a blood bath – unwillingly on Kakashi's part. He'd much rather skip the violence and read his smut on the way back home. He had no such luck as his white ANBU jumper was crimson and forever-engraved gashes mauled his arm guards. Top-quality my ass, the copy-nin thought bitterly. Kakashi winced as his left eye continued to ache and pound. He cursed profanities under his breath for losing his hitai.
Not many 18-year-olds could say they had put another human being to death with their own bare hands. The silver-adorned Kakashi, however, could fill up a book cover-to-cover with names he had put an end to – willingly or not. The jounin never offered any condolences to the ones that were on the receiving end of his gleaming katana. He made sure to make their end quick, not one for masochism. Kakashi had conversed with other ninjas, ANBU or not, that had shuddered just thinking of their first killing. The young ANBU member tried his very hardest to feel any emotion as his katana sliced open his enemies' throats, but felt nothing. It was a mission, a duty, an order, a requirement. There were no regrets in the ninja world. There was the here and now and that was it.
Kakashi should've looked upon himself with shame, pleading with himself to feel anything at all, but the jounin only pushed the little voice in the back of his mind. A ninja in the battlefield is not at all the same person he was in life outside of kunais and shurikens.
Shaking his silver head with a sigh, he reprimanded himself to not think so much. It would be his demise. A lazy grey eye traveled up and down the darkening walls as his feet stopped in front of the gates to his home. It was a whole other world inside and the transition from war-zone mode to daily life was a complex and complicated one. Touching a gloved hand to his blood-crusted mask, he thanked Kami that Konoha was having festival in the village's center this time of year that would go long into the night. No one should have to see a scarlet soldier return from battle in the state he was in. It would bring fearful and foolish thoughts to their minds.
Hatake pushed open the door with a weary hand, knowing the guards wouldn't question him. They were all too used to his appearance lately. The newly awakened moon shone down on his silver locks, creating a halo of grayish-white around his head. The sky still held small essences of light, giving the allusion that both sun and moon were fighting for control over the sky. Kakashi dragged his feet down the long dirt path as he heard the heavy gates shut rather quietly behind him. He couldn't contain the shiver that rolled down his spinal cord as the cold, dry blood made his body tremble in the heat.
What had made him join ANBU in the first place? The fame wasn't it... it definitely wasn't the salary and the strong mental hold of "power" had long ago faded from his mind. Kakashi let his lone eye trace the strewn pebbles along the rust-colored road. Was it to get away from death? Kakashi almost chuckled at the thought. If death were anywhere, it was in ANBU. The slight convulsion of happiness faded quickly for the jounin. It was to distant himself from others, he realized with a sad pang. Whoever he had come into contact with had died. His mother and father, his sensei, Rin...Obito... Kakashi's fist clenched and shook without his consent. ANBU had beckoned to him like a faint light in a dark, desolated tunnel. The secrecy from your teammates, not to mention the emotional distance from them, and not knowing whether you'd see another day had been oddly tempting. It hadn't been so odd to the Hokage who had jumped at the chance to place the sharingan user on an ANBU squad. Kakashi knew his leadership, skills and power were the most vital essences to an ANBU recruit and he'd be a highly-valued member.
Hatake Kakashi didn't always have such a bleak and pessimistic view on life. It was always after a mission where he'd stop and do the one thing that was the downfall to even the most elite ninjas in history – think. Kakashi could never help himself but to question his motives and question as to why he didn't have a boasting social life like his friend Genma?
Kakashi could only faintly hear his own steps echo in the still night air. He took his time. He didn't have to be anywhere and his report wasn't due until the next morning. The copy nin was desperately tempted to whip out his infamous orange book – an heirloom of Obito's – but decided against it. With his pounding headache and blood stained gloves, he wouldn't be able to read it anyway and would probably stain the precious pages.
Kakashi looked up to the long road stretched before him like a runway carpet. The moon had won the battle against the sun like so many other times and proudly glowed upon the earth below. The eery lighting made everything appear to be in a dreamlike haze. Kakashi sighed with content as he tried not to dwell on his personal problems and his steadily throbbing sharingan. The silence of the night had always calmed the elite ninja like a warm bottle of milk would do for an infant. He let his heavy infiltrated guard down as the sweet essences of night took over his senses. It was the time to start over, to forget and Kakashi more than willingly complied. The jounin absentmindedly ran a gloved hand through his silver locks that were steadily rebelling against gravity. I should really get a trim...
Like a loud snap in a quiet hallway, Kakashi felt his senses go in high alert mode as he froze where he stood. Without realizing it, he slipped in war-zone mode and slowly slipped his right hand around his covered katana, ready to slide it out just in case.
A small sound had made the ANBU leader's blood run cold in his veins. It took the skilled ninja to realize what had made him turn into an emotionless, fighting machine. A sniffle.
Kakashi could feel his eyebrows raise to touch his forehead. A sniffle? He strained his ears to listen for anything else, or to at least know where it was coming from. The smut-reader took a cautious step forward, still not letting his hand go of his katana. For all he knew, it could be a genjutsu, although he couldn't detect any signs of one when he normally could. Opening both his eyes, Kakashi scanned the steadily-growing dark surroundings when he heard the sound again. His mismatched eyes swerved to his right where a large sakura tree stood innocently. Kakashi could feel his hand tighten on his katana as he took a closer step.
The infamous copy nin didn't know what made him so cautious, almost frightened, when he was finally next to the tree. Perhaps it was knowing he was in a tired, weak state so he couldn't fight back a strong opponent. Making sure his steps upon the grass were silent, he determined the perpetrator was behind the pink-flowered tree. Right when he was about to leap out and face his enemy, his sensitive ears caught a whimper emerge from behind the tree's pink tresses. Kakashi's grip on the katana loosened but didn't withdraw. Drawing in his breath, he stepped behind the tree and in front of the sniffler.
Wide, mint-y eyes stared up at him in shock and noticeable fear. Kakashi gasped lightly as he quickly sheathed his katana back into its holder. The silence that consumed the two was even more deadly than an A-ranked Akatsuki member wielding a shuriken. As if the cue was finally given to the distraught actor, Kakashi took a step back. It was a girl, only four or five years old. Kakashi couldn't help but have his eyes wander shamelessly over her vibrant, pink locks. The color was so unusual, so foreign.. Kinda like my own...
The young girl quivered under Kakashi's intimidating form. Her pouted lip trembled as silent tears slid down her pale, unblemished face. All she wore was a red dress with two white circles decorating the short sleeves while blue shinobi sandals covered her feet. Her wide mint-colored eyes stared fearfully at the crimson copy nin. Slowly, her young eyes traveled toward his red sharingan, still open and swirling its black markings menacingly. As soon as she glanced at the deadly weapon, he snapped it shut.
Kakashi didn't know what to do or say. He had basically ambushed this poor, weeping little girl and had frightened her even more than she already was. The elite jounin knew he had to smile, that he had to whisper words of comfort and condolence, but just like he dealt with his enemies, he said nothing. The words were on the tip of his tongue, ready to pass through his mask, but as he stood staring at the roseate-haired child, his mind went blank.
Life was so fragile. In only a millisecond could he have killed this innocent girl with one swipe from his katana. Kakashi lowered his eyes to the grass. When had he become so paranoid? Such a machine? Such ... a killer? When he gazed back up at the trembling girl, his eye softened. She was alone and frightened...just like him.
Taking slow and careful steps, the tall and menacing ninja crouched in front of the small and precious child. Said child squeezed her emerald eyes shut, waiting for the end to come. Kakashi lowered his head.
In the most gentle voice he could muster in his exhausted state, he whispered, "Are you lost?"
Said gentle voice sounded more like a command than a question and Kakashi winced. The small girl opened her eyes slowly, almost shocked that no pain had come to claim her. She stared once again at the ANBU recruit with wide eyes, tears still streaming down her round face. Kakashi patiently waited, although his legs were slowly starting to lose feeling.
She finally stuttered out a whimper, "N-no.."
Kakashi nodded once and stood. Taking a step backwards, he separated himself with the child. There was no more he could do for her. She wasn't lost, wasn't in trouble. She was just alone. He couldn't fix that, he kept telling himself. Kakashi lifted one of his gloved hands and stared at the scarlet stains. A monster like me can't help a young, innocent child... With a weary, inaudible sigh, Kakashi turned around and took one step in the other direction.
That's as far as he got.
"They're gone..."
The voice was so quiet, even dogs would have had a hard time hearing it. Kakashi did however and halted. His right eye winced as his sharingan pulsed and pounded. It's getting worse... It seemed his window for escaping a check up was becoming smaller and smaller. Kakashi turned around to find the child staring up at him with unshed tears threatening to fall from her minted eyes. She rubbed them stubbornly and sniffled once more as she lowered her eyes to the ground before her.
Kakashi only stared as the pink-haired girl tried to stop the tears from cascading down her face. He didn't dare to say a word.
"They said they wouldn't get hurt..."
Kakashi stayed silent. He knew who she was talking about. He felt a pang echo in his heart as a long-forgotten emotion came over him. Sympathy. The jounin, however, still kept his distance. He was only an innocent bystander witnessing the harsh reality of life being played out before his lone, grey eye.
The child suddenly shot her head up and stared into his one eye. A pleading voice made Kakashi shiver, "Can you bring them back for me? Please? I'll give you all my money in my piggybank...anything.. Just please bring them back!"
Kakashi pushed out any emotion he felt towards the sobbing young girl. It was better if she learned the facts of life the hard way so she would be prepared for the next time. That's what he did and he turned out fine...right? To prevent any calming words from escaping his mask, Kakashi lowered his eye to the ground.
The girl's pleas did not cease. If it was possible, they became more persistent, "Why aren't you saying anything? Please help me! I don't know...I don't know what to do!"
Kakashi suddenly snapped his eye back up to meet the girl's own. They widened in fear as he spoke with no emotion lacing his voice, "I can't bring them back. No one can. Despite how hard it is, you need to grow up now and realize that everything is precious. It could be there one minute and gone the next."
The girl lowered her face so it was hidden beneath her pink tresses. Kakashi merely turned around. He knew his words had no comfort and were extremely harsh to the poor young girl. It was like he was speaking to one of his older comrades. Since when had he become so cold? When had this ice formed around his heart? Kakashi didn't answer himself.
He bit his lip hard and started to walk away. He would've used a teleporting jutsu, but he had nothing left. His chakra level had been reduced to tinkering on the edge of zero.
You're just going to leave her like that? You're running away again? Just what are you afraid of, Kakashi? Actually feeling something that vaguely resembles emotion? Why are you afraid?
Kakashi stopped. All was silent save the quiet sobs that diffused from the pink tree behind him. The questions tore at his mind and Kakashi thought he'd go mad and rip out his silver locks before a tiny voice filled with tears brought him out of his insanity.
"Don't go..."
Kakashi turned his head around quickly, a bitter mistake when a queasy feeling of disorientation flooded his being. When the world stopped spinning, he saw the girl burying her head in her drawn-up knees. Her little body trembled as the sobs continued with no restraint. Kakashi was torn. His mind screamed at him with no mercy that he should leave her be. She should learn to be independent and strong without his help. The voice in his mind sneered, What could you do anyway?
Kakashi had always been a stickler for rules and regulations. At a young age, the sharingan user had learned to be self-reliant and hold up on his own. He didn't need the world to pity him and he wasn't about to pity the world. Kakashi had shut out his emotions, even as his comrades on Team Arashi begged to let them in. He never complied until it was too late. From then on, a sick mantra had swirled in his mind: They'll die anyway. There's no need to get close. You need to protect yourself. All that matters is the mission. Sacrifices are needed. They are inevitable. Don't be like your father.
And now he was at a crossroad. A little girl who he'd never seen before was about to go through the same thing he did so long ago. She would need to grow up sooner than those her age. She'd hear that mantra in her head, albeit certain parts. Did he really wish that for her?
Why are you so afraid?
Kakashi turned around. Running a bloodied gloved hand through his silver hair, he sighed. The jounin plopped down beside the young, roseate-haired girl. Kakashi could feel his tired legs thank him for the much needed rest. His sharingan still pulsed, but it somehow softened when he laid his lone, grey eye on the still trembling girl.
He didn't pat her shoulder with sympathies, he didn't say a word of apologies – for her loss or his earlier behavior. The ANBU recruit only sat beside the child and offered her his company. It was the least...no, the only thing he could do. Kakashi couldn't lie to her and say it would be okay, to not worry. The elite ninja wasn't about to sugarcoat this all-too-real, all-too-common scenario. All he could do was sit beside her and hear her cries.
The aforementioned cries ceased when the young girl noticed the stranger was sitting beside her. The man was looking out into space, seeing something she couldn't. She could tell he was thinking deeply and quieted down to spare him. Now that he was close up, the green-eyed girl noticed the bloody markings that covered the ninja in a spurt of scarlet.
No louder than a whisper, she wondered aloud, "You're bleeding..."
Kakashi snapped out of his stupor and eyed the young one warily. He only nodded. He didn't have the heart to tell her that most of the blood stains weren't his. Kakashi returned his gaze to the black abyss before him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the tyke scowl slightly at him, clearly not appreciating his cold shoulder and silence.
The child turned all the way around to view her new accomplice. Her wide naive eyes scanned the black tattoo that swirled on his muscled biceps and then to the blue cloth that hid his face. She rubbed her puffy eyes and sniffled again. Kakashi was aware of her observations but made no move to show it.
The girl's eyes glued onto the cloth that concealed the lower half of his face, trying to figure out what he looked like, "Why do you wear that?"
Kakashi swivelled his eye to her own emeralds. He took in her puffy red eyes that still shimmered with unshed tears and the slight frown that pasted itself onto her pale face, "Your facial expressions give everything away."
"You don't have a wart?"
Kakashi's brow raised as he turned around to face the innocent child, "I'm quiet handsome, thank you very much."
The girl smiled and Kakashi felt a sense of accomplishment inflate inside him. It's better not to think and dwell...
The girl's smile faded away as another question made itself known, "Why did they die?"
Kakashi's triumph dwindled as the serious matter at hand made itself recognized once more. No matter how much you ignore something, it's still there.
Kakashi turned away from the girl's wide eyes. They were too innocent. His voice seemed tired and rasp as he spoke to the black abyss, "Sometimes, even when you try your hardest, things don't always go as planned. All you can do is give it your all, but even then... It's sometimes not enough."
Kakashi closed his eyes as he heard the teardrops plop onto the grass below. He had caused those tears. His rational mind however consoled him, reminding him that it was the truth and he shouldn't hide it from her.
"My parents are better than that!"
The sudden cry of anguish made Kakashi snap his head around to look at the owner of the voice. The look of determination through the ever-flowing tears made his heart stop. The copy nin, who had achieved jounin status at thirteen and mastered the Chidori, froze up. Kakashi could only stare.
The little girl balled her fists at her sides, "You don't know them! Don't say things like that when you don't even know who they are!"
Were...Kakashi thought sadly. The stage of denial was always the hardest to watch. Kakashi continued to watch the pink-haired girl ride on an emotional roller coaster that seemed to have no restraints. Her glazed eyes sparkled in the moonlight as he saw the anger towards him well up inside of them. She needed someone to blame, anyone. Confused and furious, the child pounded her fists into Kakashi's side. He made no move to stop her.
"I hate you! I hate you!"
Exhausted, the pelts ceased and were replaced by her fists bunching up his stained ANBU jumper. She buried her red face into the cloth and sobbed. Kakashi kept his one eye closed as he heard her tired and muffled screams.
"I...hate..."
Despite all of his objections, all of his morals and all of his pride, Kakashi placed a gloved hand on the sobbing girl's shoulder, feeling her hot angry tears soak his outfit. He didn't mind.
One simple action could change everything in the world. The girl ceased her sobs, hiccuping, and lifted her head out of Kakashi's side to look up at him. She was met with a jovial eye-crease that seemed to make the world stop spinning out of control. The young child went limp at Kakashi's side in exhaustion and buried herself deeper into his clothes that smelled faintly of death. She didn't mind.
Kakashi sighed as the girl seemed to drift off into a slumber from her previous tantrum and briefly wondered why anyone would teach these kids. It was awfully tiring. Shrugging to himself, the copy nin rose onto his wary legs with the roseate girl in his arms. His steps seemed even slower than before as his knees almost buckled under the extra weight. The girl's hair tickled his mask and he noted that it smelled like strawberries.
Walking back onto the path, Kakashi let his mind wander. Nothing is spared in life and, sooner or later, it will be gone. Why get close to things you know one day will disappear? Kakashi spared a glance down at the sleeping girl in his arms. Is it all a waste? The young ANBU leader pondered this as he thought about the laughter Obito always had, the smile Rin sported even in the bleakest of moments and Arashi-sensei's goofy aloofness. All had died in an effort to save another and Kakashi didn't understand it. One annoying piece of this puzzle was missing and he couldn't seem to find it under the cracks of his mind.
The spring air had turned cold in the haunting presence of the moon. Kakashi shivered and tried to pull the girl closer to him so she wouldn't feel the wind's harsh blows. The girl stirred quietly and curled her small fist into the cloth of his ANBU jumper. He could feel her light breaths warm his chest and briefly wondered if this feeling of being wanted, of being appreciated, was what his former teammates and father had been willing to risk their lives for. It was a good feeling.
A complete feeling.
Kakashi could faintly hear his staggering steps on the loose gravel as his mind wandered into territories he used to force himself away from. Taking a peek at the girl in his arms, he saw her lips partly open, a sign that light snores were inevitable, and her long hair seemed to wrap around her form like a makeshift blanket. Her knuckles her white from clutching onto his jumper even in her drowsed state. Kakashi let a small smile find its way to his masked lips. He had been cold for so long...
The sharingan user couldn't escape the fact that what he held in his arms was alive when most of the bodies he'd carried were corpses. So fragile life is... Didn't this innocent girl know what her savior really was? A killer? A monster? One who assassinates without a second thought or regret? The silver-haired man had taken lives of men, women and even innocent children. All relatives of the enemy must be killed. It was an order. The girl had seen the blood stains and though fear (or was it worry?) clouded her eyes, she hadn't shied away like everyone else.
A child's ignorance was bliss.
Kakashi let another sigh reverberate from his lips as he saw Konoha Hospital a few miles up ahead. He should really get checked out. Really, really should get checked out. His conscience reprimanded him for his second thoughts and advised him to get treated. But Hatake Kakashi had never listened to advice. Hospitals he tended to stray away from. He didn't need to see others dying so pathetically, dying without any honor. Although that was a huge reason why he avoided hospitals like the plague, Kakashi kept the real whispering reason in the back of his mind.
Hatake Kakashi, the jounin who had mastered (um, well copied) over a thousand jutsus...
Had a phobia of needles.
The young child in his arms smiled wistfully in her sleep and the copy nin glowered. It's not funny, he scolded the child in his head, although knowing that her amused look wasn't caused by his secret confession. Kakashi kept his scowl on his hidden face as he remembered hyperventilating in the men's room before getting his ANBU tattoo. His required ANBU tattoo. If it was up to the elite ninja, he'd draw the symbol of the respected hunter-nins in marker.
Kakashi refrained from sighing in relief when he and his accomplice passed the sterile building. He looked down at the sleeping girl once more and wondered where he should take her. His apartment was out of the question and he didn't know where her own dwelling lay. It wouldn't do any good if he knew anyway since no one would be home... Kakashi furrowed his brow as he thought deeply. After a minute or two, his face relaxed. He'd take her to the Hokage's office. The Sandaime would know what to do with her – be it foster parents or whatnot. Making a quick right, the disheveled ninja walked slowly towards the large building.
Without his permission, Kakashi's18-year-old mind found its way back to its previous ponders. He knew his late teammates would frown upon seeing the only surviving member of Team Arashi isolating himself until no one no longer knew of his existence. The only other ninjas he'd socialized with were Genma and Asuma. Old drinking buddies. The calming liquid traveling down Kakashi's throat and numbing his insides was a desired effect. But even then, the two other jounin didn't even know who were his team members back in his pre-ANBU days. Hell, the two would scratch their heads and shrug if you asked what Kakashi's favorite color was.
Green.
When it came down to it, right down to the microscopic essence of the problem, Kakashi was scared. All who he had become close to (even if they, themselves, didn't know it) had died. There was no one left and Kakashi was half thankful that he didn't have to witness anymore of his loved ones' deaths. He had witnessed all of the ones so far. It was like he was a disease. He killed anyone he came into contact with. Kakashi didn't want to feel the desperate clawing feeling of not being able to stop death hammer at his being anymore. Kakashi didn't want to feel deserted again.
He didn't want to cry again.
But as Hatake Kakashi held onto the roseate girl with his scarlet hands, he realized what he had been missing. He missed that feeling of skin on skin, he missed that feeling of being wanted.
He missed the feeling of living.
The pale moon glowed with glory upon the two as night's pitch-black beam scaled the landscape. Kakashi looked up to see the Hokage monument. The late leaders had shadows under their stone eyes and looked upon Konoha with a priority. The jounin gazed up to his former sensei. What would you tell me now? To not be so melodramatic? The late blonde's only reply was his piercing stare that made its way to Kakashi's lone eye. Maybe it was okay to think...
The young girl in his arms stirred. Kakashi sighed as the current Hokage's yellow office building came into view. His legs burned on fire and his chest felt like it was being pulled on by a furious cat. The Sharingan user cringed as the child grabbed onto his jumper when his knees buckled. Kakashi feared that he'd drop her from the echoing pain at his ribs.
Half jogging to the building, Kakashi settled the girl gently onto the bench that waited outside the office's door. Kakashi took a moment to compose himself, running a trembling hand through his silver hair. I really, really need a trim...
The copy nin gazed upon the roseate girl with an unusual feeling of overprotection. Kakashi shook his head as he closed his eye, reminding himself not to get attached, despite his previous lecture to himself. Hell, he never did get the young child's name. Kakashi ran a hand over his tired face as he pressed the call button to alert one of the Sandaime's henchmen. Turning his head to give the girl a final once-over, Kakashi started to walk away. He didn't want the henchman to see him like this.
As he turned, Kakashi thought about Asuma and Genma. Maybe he'd meet up with them at the local pub for some sake. After, of course, he got his check up. Kakashi cringed at the thought of any sort of pointed object they'd use on him and the constant attempts to get his mask down. It was his eye and body that hurt him, not his face, the sharingan user would complain to the more-than-helpful nurses.
"Will I ever see you again?"
Kakashi stopped as he heard the small voice whisper out into the dark essences of the night. The jounin turned around and gave her a friendly eye-crease before he used up the last of his chakra to teleport to the hospital.
Probably not...
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
I was oh so inspired by a picture on deviant art to write this little oneshot. Well, maybe not so little. Heh heh.. I love writing a younger, ANBU Kakashi. He's so complex and it gives me a challenge to dive into that silver head of his. I don't know what his favorite color is or if he has a phobia of needles. They're just guesses. I like the idea of big, bad Kakashi whimper at the sight of a needle (especially when he deals with kunai and shuriken all day... Maybe he gets the phobia from Genma's many senbons?). For the ages in this piece, they're totally off. I have no clue what age Kakashi was when he was in ANBU. Ah well. : )
A quick note about the whole "not thinking" thing. I meant it in a way of not to dwell on supposedly "useless" things like past teammates.
If you don't know who the girl was, shame upon your soul!!