A/N: I can't believe I made you guys wait so long for the next chapter, wtf. Sure, I might be a horrible person, but I hope you'll give me a chance to redeem myself. This installment might seem a little off-topic at first, but I just couldn't resist throwing some Akatsuki!crack into the p(l)ot, you know me. And yes! The Narutoverse uses AMERICAN CURRENCY'ttebayo. Reviews are highly appreciated!

I--I

Kakuzu had reason to believe that some of the money he received from the Kemuri bounty had been counterfeited, so of course he took no time in firmly declaring to the Akatsuki Leader the urgency of their situation, and how tending to this delicate fiscal matter would prevent him from being able to escort his teammate on this newfound assignment. Pein claimed that the mission was part of the deal he had initially made with Hidan in exchange for the latter's alliance with the organization, and if anyone else was willing and available to accompany him on his journey, Kakuzu would be excused from the task.

Zetsu was a given, because he never 'accompanied' anyone anywhere.

Konan was an obvious exception to the inquiry as well, because no one dared to bother her for anything unless they had a damn good reason to.

Someone somewhere had managed to slip a spot of poison into Itachi's morning tea, but luckily enough, Kisame had accidentally taken a swill of it before the Uchiha had a chance. It must have been an extremely toxic elixir, Kakuzu thought, for the Mist-nin, who's stomach was as tolerant and resilient as the animal's he so uncannily resembled, had been throwing up in the bathroom all afternoon.

Itachi, sipping unwaveringly on his brand new cup of tea, said he didn't find trading partners with Kakuzu 'ideal'.

Deidara and Tobi were off on assignment all night to 'convince' a few traveling merchants to surrender information about the location of the currently unsealed Isonade Bijuu...unfortunately, it wasn't long before the pair discovered that the innocent tradesmen were, in fact, foreign arms dealers. Not in the mood to lead a quiet interrogation, Deidara easily managed to blow the group and their noisy, metal sticks to indiscernible smithereens, but not before getting brushed across the ankle himself with a small steel shrapnel. Somewhat troubled by the strange device, he insisted on spending the rest of his day trying to figure out whether or not the thing they called a 'bullet' had been laced with venom, or something.

Incidentally, right before the battle ensued, Tobi wandered off into a nearby forest and stumbled upon a rare, rose-tinted, Leporidae-related lagomorph with hyperactive follicles.

In other words, a fluffy pink bunny rabbit.

He'd been tending to it all morning.

So, with everyone else being temporarily out-of-commission, the Falls-nin was stuck with the unfortunate job of taking Hidan to market.

"Holy shit, they actually sell condoms here? Licentious bastards."

Kakuzu buried his face into his palm.

Oh, yeah.

He was definitely getting sick of this 'no solo missions' rule.

Ignoring the frightened glances and occasional hushed remarks, Hidan strolled casually down one of the store's many long and narrow aisles, gliding his fingers across the colorful bottles and cans of random chemical concoctions companies dared to label 'hair care products'. Kakuzu was left to tag behind the Jashinist, the former's tendrils shooting forth to catch random packages the corner of Hidan's scythe kept knocking off the top shelf.

The shop's strict 'you break it, you buy it' policy was not one the hunter felt like honoring today.

"I still don't understand why we have to come so far.", Kakuzu scowled, shoving the random containers back onto a cleared part of the convenience rack.

"The other place doesn't sell it anymore.", Hidan replied as he twirled his chosen bottle around his fingers. "You may not give a rat's ass about what you look like, but that doesn't mean all of us are doomed to looking like fucking scarecrows twenty-four seven, alright? Seriously, some of us have an image to maintain."

"I'm assuming Jashin likes his boys pretty?"

"Watch your fucking mouth."

Grumbling inwardly, Kakuzu couldn't help but grow even more irritated as his teammate started meandering through every aisle in the store, the zealot attempting to hide the fact he was searching for something he clearly didn't know the location of.

After a few minutes, surprisingly enough, Hidan decided to ask.

"Hey, Kakuzu?"

"...what is it?"

"In which row would a cramped shithole like this keep their box openers?"

"...you mean a letter opener?"

"No, retard, I mean a box opener."

"...it's called a 'kunai', Hidan."

"You asshole, you know Jashin-sama doesn't allow me to carry that kind of crap!", he exclaimed, sounding mortified by the suggestion. "I can't use any weapons that haven't been properly blessed! Seriously, how in the hell am I supposed to know whether or not it was used by some heathen to murder some fucking two-year-old? Kill someone with a kunai and you're killing every person that blade's ever touched, Kakuzu. Think about it. Seriously."

"That's beside the point.", Kakuzu shot back, his brow furrowing in frustration. "The question is what you would need a 'box opener' for. Is it sealed with a Jutsu?"

"No."

"How would you know for sure?"

"Damn it, Kakuzu; I'm a Shinobi, not a moron."

Hidan raised an index finger before his cherished comrade had a chance to respond.

"If that's the case...", Kakuzu continued wearily. "Why haven't you opened it yet?"

"None of your fucking business. You know what, I'm sorry I asked. Seriously, just forget I said anything."

"You mean like I always do anyway?"

"Shut the hell up."

The four people waiting in line scattered upon witness of the two men approaching the counter, each patron scrambling for the front door on their mad dash for freedom. A bright-eyed, dark-haired little girl, barely tall enough to reach the highest button on the register in front of her, stood trembling at the head of the store, flinching as Hidan tossed the bright blue bottle of hair product down on the counter.

She reached a small, quivering hand for the merchandise, and slid it over the glass-plated scanner.

Kakuzu paid no mind.

"We're going straight back to Headquarters as soon as we're done here, understand?", he whispered shortly.

"Yes, mother."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Could you at least grab the receipt before we leave? My hands are going to be full, you know, carrying the bag and stuff."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. 'I'll staple that receipt to your goddamned forehead for making me come all the way down here.'

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Seriously, you can't expect me to--WOULD YOU STOP MESSING AROUND WITH THE EFFIN' BAR CODE AND JUST SCAN THE FUCKING THING PLEASE? OKAY? SERIOUSLY? THANKS?"

"Wow, raising your voice at a working child. Your new lows never cease to amaze me."

Ignoring the remark, Hidan snorted in amusement, rolling his eyes as the girl started a frantic pressing of the register buttons.

"Fucking hell, you're not gonna faint on us, are you? Because if you have the gall to die of a heart attack like the last motherfucker that worked in here, I swear to Jashin-sama I am going to sacrifice your ass."

"Th--that'll be 7.42, sir."

The missing-nin remained idle for the next few seconds.

"Oi, Kakuzu."

"What?"

"Forgot my wallet again."

It was at that point when the Falls-nin sent his teammate a glare that could have easily killed a small animal.

Grudgingly, the man reached into his pocket and withdrew a handful of change.

Hidan was already out the door.

A couple of hours later, Hidan retreated to his room at headquarters, running a quick hand through his hair as he opened a drawer and tossed the unopened bottle of gel onto a pile of several others just like it. Now that he had successfully managed to piss the shit out of Kakuzu, he could call it a day.

That's what he got for mouthing off to shark-boy about the rituals.

The Jashinist flopped down on his mattress, lying spread-eagle across the top of the bed.

Alright, alright, so it's not like he was stupid enough to purchase a box opener rather than using the edge of his scythe; to be honest, it was just another excuse he made for himself to procrastinate...mainly because he really didn't need this thing blowing up in his face.

'Damn Kakuzu...making me all paranoid and shit.'

He sat up quickly, snatching the little pink box off the table.

Like he said before, he wasn't going to let his life revolve around the contents of a box.

Hidan yanked at the end of the ribbon, still wondering who in the hell used bows anymore.

'Fucking pansy.'

"Mhmm. Is that so? Yes, I understand. Thank you. Goodbye."

A dark-eyed brunette watched anxiously from across the room as her fellow kunoichi placed the phone back carefully within its cradle. The woman became even more unsettled when the blonde behind the desk rested her elbows upon the counter, folding her hands underneath her chin and staring intently ahead in concern.

"Tsunade-sama?", she finally managed to choke out. "Wha--what is it?"

"Rumors.", the Sannin replied briefly. "A civilian near the Land of Fire's southeastern border just had a couple of suspicious visitors to her store."

"Suspicious?", Shizune repeated. "In what way?"

"She claims she left her daughter alone to work the register at the time and didn't see anything herself, but the daughter said the visitors were wearing black cloaks with red clouds painted on them."

"Tsunade-sama, you don't mean..."

She nodded. "The kid says they walked in, paid cash, and walked out. But as they were searching, she overheard them talking about a box...a box one of the members seemed to have a hard time opening."

"Tsunade-sama, don't you think you're overreacting a little?", Shizune laughed nervously. "I--I mean, it could just be a regular package, right?"

The Godaime sprang to her feet and slammed her hand forcefully against the table.

"We can't take that chance!", she barked. "If agents of the Akatsuki are planning something, we have to figure out what this secret weapon of theirs is before it causes any damage!"

"O--of course!", squeaked the medic-nin.

"Get Hatake Kakashi in here.", Tsunade commanded. "I've got a mission for him."

Hidan awoke groggily the next morning, sitting up and tossing his pitch-black, 400-thread-count sheets aside.

If he was forced to sleep in this crappy backhouse, he once said, the least he could be was comfortable. Kakuzu had thrown one hell of a connipshit about buying them at first, but it was Hidan and his complaints about sleeping in a 'flea-ridden potato sack' that won Pein over in the end. Plus, everyone in the Akatsuki chose to have the same bedsheets in black.

It was easier to hide the bloodstains that way.

Still, the Egyptian (wherever the hell that was) cotton bedspread did nothing to comfort him or settle his nerves today, as they usually did. For some reason, Hidan had a weird feeling in his stomach, almost as if he had let something extremely important slip his mind.

He glanced at the large scythe leaning against the foot of his bed. Weapon sharpening? Check.

He felt the area around his neck. Rosary cleaned? Check.

He looked over at the marked calendar on his wall and did a quick count on his fingers. Weekly kill-to-ceremony ratio balanced? Check. Ha, ha...twice over. Fuckers.

Strange...even though those basic responsibilities had already been taken care of, he couldn't help but feel that something in this room was amiss.

His eyes widened as he turned sharply to his nightstand.

And just like that, his box was gone.