Itachi's Girlfriend

Genre: Humor

Pairing: Itachi/find out

Soundtrack: Swan Lake, performed by Sofia Symphonic Orchestra.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Naruto, including Itachi's girlfriend. God, how grateful I am for that one! I wouldn't mind owning Sasuke, though.

Summary: Screw the Mangekyou Sharingan, this is what REALLY happened…

ooo

Today was Uchiha Itachi's big day. He finally gave in to his family nagging and stopped being antisocial. He found himself a girlfriend. And today he was going to introduce her to his whole family.

He shot his girlfriend a reassuring smile. It will be just fine. But it, unfortunately for everybody concerned, was not.

First they met his uncle and auntie. Upon seeing Itachi's girlfriend, Auntie dropped a basket of apples she was holding and Uncle started choking on his pipe (which Itachi had never thought possible).

"What the...who the HELL is that?!" his uncle finally managed to spit out. Itachi frowned. Things weren't going exactly the way he planned.

"I am-" Itachi's girlfriend wanted to introduce herself, but at that exact moment was interrupted by Auntie's high-pitched squeal:

"Oh my gosh! It speaks!" and with that Itachi's aunt ran away. His uncle shot the two of them one last disgusted look and left as well, murmuring words like "monster", "disgrace" or "scrap-heap" (that was a place where he suspected Itachi had found his lover).

The meeting with the rest of Uchihas, who slowly gathered around them, didn't go any better. Everyone was either scared or laughing their head off over the fact Itachi's girlfriend was so incredibly ugly.

"No one here likes me," Itachi's girlfriend whined, "I'm feeling so blue…"

"And you look like that, too," Itachi's oldest cousin remarked.

"You racist!" Itachi cried out, "don't you dare to make fun of her skin color! It's not her fault; she was born that way!"

"She looks like a Nazi who participated in Dr. Mengele's experiments"observed his grandfather, who used to teach history.

Itachi didn't know what he was talking about, but he was pretty sure it wasn't anything nice.

One of Itachi's female cousins giggled.

"Hey Itachi, maybe you should marry her after all. If I feel ever so slightly discontent about my looks, it would take just one glance at her and I would feel like a beauty queen again."

"Yeah," another girl agreed, "seriously, has anyone here ever seen anything more repulsive?"

"NO!" came the collective answer, mixed with a derisive laughter.

One of the kids shouted:

"Who's your mum, freak, a shark?"

"Who told you? It's supposed to be a family secret!" Itachi's girlfriend yelped.

"Hey, I know some even worse cases," Itachi tried to defend his girlfriend, "you know that moron Uzumaki Naruto? His mother was a fox! Yeah, I know it's hard to believe since foxes are supposed to be smart, but it's true! And … have you ever heard about that Gaara kid from the Sand? His mother is a… sand!"

Itachi's relatives stopped mocking his girlfriend.

"Is that even possible? I mean, you know… to do that with sand…" Itachi's mother gave her husband an elbow nudge.

"Don't talk about that in presence of children!"

"I know, but really it's hard to believe…well, it at least doesn't try to kill you with its teeth!" Itachi's father concluded and raised a wave of frantic laughter.

"Bwhahahaha!"

"Muwahahaha!"

Itachi's girlfriend was quietly sobbing by his side. This was going too far, Itachi decided.

And then his father spoke up:

"You know, you could to better than this. I guess it's the time you learn ourfamily secret. The most important legacy of the Uchihas is not our bloodline limit, but…"

Itachi's father paused for a moment, enjoying the tense silence that followed when everyone stared at him with their eyes open wide (including Itachi's girlfriend, but no one could really tell that since her eyes were too small to show any difference), then he took a deep breath and said:

"Our good looks. So there is no way SHE – is she a she anyway? – would join our family. I'd rather see the whole clan die out."

And that was what more or less happened after that.

When Sasuke saw his brother after finding his entire family lying in pools of their blood, he screamed:

"Nii-san! There's a blue monster out there and it killed everyone! It's so ugly, I am scared! It looks like some freaky shark hybrid!"

And then he remembered only the pain… the pain that awaits everyone who ever makes fun of Itachi's girlfriend.

ooo

"Hey, Sasuke?"

"What do you want, dope?"

"Why do you want to kill your brother so desperately?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke's eyes were dark and unreadable as ever, when he slowly averted his gaze from Naruto's face and was watching the grey clouds gathering in the sky.

"He killed my family. And his girlfriend is the ugliest one ever."

owari

ooo

Don't you just feel for Kisame now? Well, I guess you don't. All this crap about her- I mean, him- being Itachi's girlfriend originated from a conversation me and my best friend shared while watching the series. We were also thinking of ways these two could have met each other and finally agreed upon a version where they fight and Kisame wins and thus earn Itachi's respect and subsequently love… though I personally prefer the one when they meet on a crap-heap, where Itachi is looking for a fish head and Kisame hands him one. Alas, I can't think of a single thing what Itachi would need a fish head for. Bad for me.

Anyway, leave me a review or else I'll think you're uglier than Itachi's girlfriend ;).