A Nameless Hope

Heero and Relena uncover a life-altering secret that radically shifts their understanding of their complex relationship, history and ultimate destiny.

Prologue:

Broken Mirror

This ship has taken me far away

Far away from the memories

Of the people who care if I live or die

I will be chasing starlight

Until the end of my life

I don't know if it's worth it anymore

I just wanted to hold you in my arms

I'll never let you go

If you promise not to fade away

Never fade away

-Muse, Starlight

He kept turning his face for something new to look at, but it was no use. The space before him stretched into a long, haunting void. Darkness, emptiness mocked him. A face without a name. He panicked. It wasn't true. He had a name – he'd had several over the years – and besides, names were things other people gave you; they didn't define you. He wouldn't let some vague collection of letters pencil him into existence.

His name was Heero Yuy.

Or rather, that's what he was called. When the codename had served its purpose, he considered giving it up, trading it for something new. He felt it was time. The rest of the world would hardly notice; he was known only as a silent, nameless soldier, Gundam Pilot 01, if anyone wanted to get particular. He was ready to abandon Heero Yuy and the rest of his past— the only problem was, she continued to call him that. To him, she would always be Heero. It scarcely mattered that the first time she met him he was a nameless orphan that Dr. J was calling "Black Alpha." Even when he reminded her of this, and she exclaimed, "Oh, my God, that was you?" she still considered him Heero. He could tell her of other names he'd taken, of his earliest memories with his semi-father Odin Lowe, and it still wouldn't change the fact that, to her, he was only Heero.

And so the dark expanse stretched further. Years had passed, and he still felt lost. At twenty-two, the war was but a distant memory etched into the back of his mind. The new government had stabilized, peace between the earth and colonies was solidifying, and she was at the center of it all. Relena. The one name that was deeply etched not only into his mind, but into the core of his being. Eleven years had passed since the first time he heard her name from a distance; seven since she found him passed out on the beach, altering the course of his future. And he had spent the past six years falling in love with her.

Like most things, he approached love furtively. He wanted to be as thorough as possible. Relena, while warm and open, was not an easy person for most to get close to; she built emotional walls atop gates atop cities and states. But for Heero, she made herself completely accessible, even tried to penetrate his emotional fortresses. He was slow and cautious, but started to let her in when they both neared the end of their teen years. Besides, he'd learned keeping her out was useless; her love was strong enough to break down his toughest walls.

But even now, he was still holding back from her. It was hard, because she was all too willing to surrender herself to him, and that was nearly impossible for him to resist. He longed to make her his, but knew he wasn't capable of giving her what she deserved.

And what was that? He wondered. Marriage? Children? She was getting to the age when she wanted those things, her own family, but Heero couldn't imagine himself in the role of a husband, let alone a father. His mind could barely comprehend the meaning of father. Odin, the only father figure he'd ever known, had trained him to kill when he was just a small child. Dr. J had been a father figure of sorts, but his training was even more brutal and dehumanizing. Eventually, he sold Heero out in an attempt to save his own skin. With that kind of stellar background, did Heero even have a right to hope that he could be someone's father?

And what about fathering the children of Relena Darlian-Peacecraft, the beloved Sanc Kingdom Princess, the very symbol of peace in the free world? It would be a daunting position for anyone to be in, let alone a useless retired soldier without a name to call his own.

Heero Yuy … a name without a face.

The void was back, swirling and contorting into fiendish shapes. Heero searched for light, for anything, hoping to find his own reflection. He was still staring into nothingness when he realized it was his face he beheld— he was the epitome of nothing. King of a dark, empty, nameless kingdom. Not even a king— one of many nameless knights. One of many.

But his name meant one and only. The one and only. A hand reached across the darkness. He grasped it, and the hand led to an arm and a shoulder and neck and, finally, a face. Her face.

Relena, he breathed. She was dearer to him than anything the world could ever offer. He reached for her soft, lovely face, cupping it with his hands, gazing into the cool blue eyes that for him held endless warmth. She smiled, her pink lips parted, and he kissed her. He felt their bodies fuse together, charged by fire and power.

But as soon as he let go, she was falling away from him faster than he could grasp. The angry, swirling void swallowed her up. And he could not go after her, only fall down and howl. He would have put his face in his hands, but found his visage missing once again.

"Relena!" Heero jolted awake. His chest heaved from emotional effort, his heart twisting and aching. She wasn't really gone, was she?

"Heero?" Ice-blue eyes were blinking at him curiously. His blonde-haired companion leaned toward him and placed a delicate hand on his shoulder, frowning. "Were you having a bad dream?"

A dream … Now it made sense. Of course Relena wasn't gone; she was right here. Heero's dark blue eyes quickly took in their surroundings, his brain instantly supplying the necessary information. They were on a shuttle, headed to L-1 for the first of many political conferences Relena was scheduled to visit. The date was May 19th, After Colony 202. He was wearing his Preventers uniform, acting as Relena's bodyguard. She was sitting in the window seat. Heero had been staring out the window so that he would not stare at her. The lack of scenery had put him to sleep.

Unlike in his dream, he reminded himself, he and Relena were not together. He knew that she loved him, but he had not revealed his feelings for her. And he had stood idly by as other men confessed their love for her and she politely turned them away, still waiting for her proverbial knight in shining armor. Heero couldn't bear to tell her that there was nothing remotely shining about her chosen knight, that he was a defeated soldier of darkness. That he might never be able to conquer the swirling void that threatened to eat him alive.