::cries:: The last chapter! It's finally over! I shall miss you all so much! I know, I know, how can I abandon you like this? Blasphemy! That's why I give you all muchos grande brownies… because I love you. :D
Dedication: This last chapter is dedicated to Mildetryth because she's seriously just awesome like that. You make me so happy lol when I get your reviews I go "Yay! It's Milly!" … so this is for you. ::hugs::
People I'll annoy this chapter: Professors Sprout, Trelawny, Hagrid, Flitwick, Umbridge, Grubbly-plank, and Vector (sp?)
Chapter 13: Ways to Annoy Random Hogwarts Teachers
Professor Sprout:
1-Tell the world about her one-night stand with Professor Flitwick. Claim it's a midget fetish. (Given to me by… a very awesome reviewer who I have admittedly forgotten their name. I think it was sent to me in a PM and I, being the imbecile that I am, hath deleted who it was by. And there were quite a few, so if there's an AR at the end of it, it's from her/him. I'm soo sorry! You know who you are!)
2- Attempt to bribe her with left-over vegetables.
3- Kill all her plants. (MJ)
4- Inform her that you know exactly what she's been growing behind the greenhouses. Wink conspiratorially.
5- Encourage her to name her daughter 'Brussels', so she'll be "Brussels Sprout". Do this daily. Laugh hysterically.
6- Write her theme music. Play it every time she enters or leaves a room. Follow her around constantly.
7- Throw raves in the greenhouses. Refuse to move out. (MJ and C)
8- Smoke her plants. (MJ)
9- Remove her plants. Repot them in a different area. Insist that's where they've always been.
10- Shower her with rose petals every time she passes you. Shriek, "Be free! Be free!"
Professor Trelawny
1-Shout "Blasphemy!" and "She's a fake!" at random intervals that are at awkward times. (AR)
2- Steal her crystal balls, juggle with them.
3- Bring a magic eight ball to class. Insist it has the answers to life.
4- Charm the rims of her glasses into little heart-shapes. Claim it adds "class" to her ensemble.
5- Challenge her to the meaning of life.
6- Loudly inform her that God will smite her for her heathen ways. Spray her with holy water and shriek, "Back! Back, you she-devil, you! Back, back!" Brandish a stick and wave it around in her face.
7- Point out the similarities between her and a large, over-stuffed dragon fly.
8- Wonder aloud whether or not she is of this planet. Buy her a pair of spock ears. Insist she wear them. Get angry when she doesn't, and scream for your own personal amusement.
9- Break her china.
10- Tell her that she's full of crap and that she'll never amount to anything if she continues down this road.
Hagrid
1-Insult his mother in any way. (AR)
2- As you see him coming, scream, "Ahh, he's going to eat me!" and run in the opposite direction.
3- Generally be in fear of him. Shake constantly when in his presence.
4- Say you heard he liked dragons. Offer to prepare roast dragon for his birthday.
5- Randomly pop out of the bushes. Creep up to him "stealthily" and poke him, with great exaggeration, before running away.
6- Develop an unnatural fear of tall people. Scream whenever you see him and run away. (MJ)
7- Insinuate that Professor Grubbly-Plank was a better teacher.
8- Make vague insinuations of his affair with Dumbledore. Do this in public, and in very crowded areas. Claim that this is why he is fiercely loyal to him. (MJ and C)
9- Steal his umbrella. Replace it with a normal one and watch as he tries to do magic. Laugh and tell him that he may be losing his touch.
10- Call him a virgin. Ask if he's ever gotten laid. Demand details and names.
Professor Flitwick
1- Charm him to float around and stick to the ceiling at random intervals.
2- Steal his wand and put all his books on the highest shelves. (MJ)
3- Inform him that his hands are small before saying, "Ooh, you know what they say about small hands…" (MJ)
4- Refer to him as 'Flick'. Claim you've shortened his name to save time.
5- Buy him a very large hat. Tell him it makes him look taller. Grin maniacally and pat him.
6- Mock his high, squeaky voice and midget-like appearance. Say, "What are you? A freaking mouse?"
7- Make vague allusions towards his threesome with Professors Sprout and Madame Hooch.
8- Look pointed at him and say, "It isn't the size that matters… wait… no, no it is the size." Shrug and walk away.
9- Talk to him as though you were talking to a toddler, "Who's my little baby?" (MJ)
10- Use his shortness as an excuse for everything, "So Professor Sprout collected the homework; it's not his fault he's a midget!"
Professor Umbridge
1-Whisper, "The centaurs are coming!" in her ear. (AR)
2- Buy her a pony for her birthday. (MJ)
3- Steal her blood quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore." (IDNO)
4- Remark out loud on the similarities she has to a toad. Transfigure her desk into a giant lily pad.
5- Make little clicking noises as you pass her by in the halls. Laugh as she begins to have a breakdown.
6- Charm the suits of armor to follow her around and shout out "Yo Mama" jokes.
7- Insist that there's been a spy in her Inquisitorial Squad ever since it's creation, passing on information to "the other side". Claim to know who it is. See how much she'll pay you.
8- Every time you see her shriek, "Toad! Toad!"
9- Spray everything she touches with perfume. Insist you don't want anyone to catch her 'germs'.
10- Randomly splash bubotuber puss on her. Whistle innocently as she tries to find out who did it. Sadistically claim that you have no idea who'd want to see her in pain…
Professor Grubbly-Plank
1-Claim that Hagrid's a better teacher.
2- Mock her name: "Grubbly-Plank? What kind of name is that? Sounds like some sort of disease: 'get back or you'll get grubbly-plank!'"
3- Tell her she'll never be the man Hagrid was! (MJ)
4- Inform her that she only wishes she knew how to teach like Hagrid can. Insist she run off to join the circus.
5- Ask if you can call her Professor G. Do this daily and because, "Her name sounds socially unacceptable."
6- Get her to date Hagrid. Insist they'd have magical creature-inclined children.
7- Wonder why you can't ever do anything interesting in her class. Claim that at least Hagrid could keep you on your guard!
8- Speak in a high pitched voice and repeat everything she says. Smile sweetly.
9- Insist you got a bad bite off a flobber worm. Threaten legal action if she doesn't bring you cake this instant! Claim, "But cake'll make the pain go away!" Whine.
10- Inform her that she only wishes she was as cool as Hagrid is.
Professor Vector (sp?)
1-Make plenty of Hermione/Vector insinuations. (Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm – woot, woot!)
2- Say, "Arithmancy is stupid, I mean, who actually cares about numbers in the WIZARDING WORLD?" (again, another Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm one – great work, papoose! Funny!)
3- Argue with him over every little equation. Claim that just because he's a professional doesn't automatically mean he's right. Argue even if you know you're wrong, simply because it wastes time.
4- Steal his chalk for the board. Refuse to give it back. Tell him that you'll give it back to him if he can guess the secret 'password'. Don't actually have a password.
5- Refer to him as 'Good Ol' Viccy from the 'Rithmancy Department'.
6- During random moments in class, stand up, calmly walk up to him and hug him. Refuse to answer to his objections/questions. In fact, remain completely silent.
7- Bring a stuffed bunny to class. Make him hop all around on your desk. Not-so-quietly hum as you make said bunny hop. Once you get bored, use your wand to make the bunny hop all over the classroom, including on Professor Vector's head. Never stop humming.
8- Show up to class in fairy wings with a giant feather boa and a Muggle fairy wand. Refuse to don the Hogwarts uniform.
9- Be a pirate for the day. Use pirate phrases like, "Drink up, me 'earties!", "Yo ho, yo ho!" and "Land ahoy!" Encourage Fawkes to sit on your shoulder as a replacement parrot.
10- Randomly sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by Paul Simon during quiet moments in class.
… Haha, Gotcha! You thought it was the end, didn't you? Mwuahahahaa! Not the end! For there is a…
::drum roll::
!!BONUS!!
Since I have over a hundred reviews for this, I've decided to give y'all a bonus round.
And you thought this was the end! I mock you!
Molly Weasley (For Blackbop with her awesome ideas)
1-Constantly tell her that Sirius loves Harry more than he loves her. (Blackbop's work::grins::)
2- Keep saying that collecting Muggle stuff is high-status, and anyone hating it is geeks. (Blackbop again, great work!)
3- Give her a flying car for a birthday gift, Christmas gift, mother's day gift, etc… (Haha, she'd get annoyed really fast, but Arthur'll be pleased. Blackbop again!)
4- Convince all her children to take up "The Percy-way of life". (Blackbop! Woot, woot!)
5- Add Voldemort's name to her fabulous clock. (Blackbop's! This one was genius! I think it's my favourite one yet )
6- Give her thousands and thousands of Leprechaun galleons – the ones that disappear after a few hours. (Ooh, burn! Great work Blackbop – for it was hers again, and the last of them. Great ideas, thanks for the input!)
7- Refer to her children as 'Children of the Flame'. Dance around them. Chant.
8- Demand her to seek anger management classes. Claim that she's "scaring the children".
9- Mock her cooking skills. Inform her that you've seen blocks of cheese that have better culinary skills. Point and laugh.
10- Loudly tell her that she and Arthur must be part-bunny because they keep reproducing like rabbits. Make sexual innuendos. Wink and leer.
Pansy Parkinson
1-Loudly say, "Pansy? What is that, some kind of wimp? No wonder you're always hiding behind Draco!" Henceforth refer to her as 'Wimpy'.
2- Wonder aloud whether she was a 'flower child'. Ask her if she's ever been adopted.
3- Laugh and tell her that the real reason she's at a boarding school is because her parents don't love her enough. In fact, they really want to get rid of her.
4- Throw flowers in the air, sing, "Draco and Pansy, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage…" Run away when she begins to curse you.
5- Repeatedly ask her if she's pregnant, because it looks like she's 'showing'. Stare pointedly at Draco and raise your eyebrows.
6- Tell the whole school that she's jealous of Hermione's good looks. Snort disbelievingly.
7- Loudly inform her that she looks like a baboon's behind. Do this daily, and in random public places.
8- Grin and tell her that Draco's the perfect guy for her – he's too stupid and busy with the Dark Arts to notice that she's an ugly imbecile!
9- Follow her around and sing, "Confetti! Confetti! I love confetti! Woo!"
10- Shower her with said confetti during random, and highly unexpected, moments.
And now… it's really over. I can't believe it! Excuse me while I go sob in the corner…
Wow… I have actually just finished a multi-chapter fic! I feel the power:D I hope some of you reading this will stick by me, and read some of the other work that I have posted/will be posting soon, especially now that this is over.
I want to inform you that there will be a '50 Ways' in the POTC section, written by me and Mocha-Java Boost (under her name, not mine) and a last reminder to read the companion piece to this story, "Harlequin Girls", which is the typed-up version of this!
I still can't believe this is over! I have half a mind to just tell you it's all a lie and to continue on as normal, but if I do that, then I can't post my new story (because I'll be too busy with this one).
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, and little bitty thanks for those who've just read. Giant thanks to anyone who's reading this long-ass author's note - I LOVE YOU ALL!
Bye… for the last time! (Unless you're continuing on with me…)
xox Caramel