Hello lovely readers... thought I needed a comic relief from my other stories... Hope you like it! Mocha-Java Boost inspired me, and you should read her story (which is currently untitled) because it fricken' rocks!!
Lurve ya!
70 Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort:
1- Constantly ask him if his shower works and if it does then why doesn't he use it? Smile and say, "Just because you're evil doesn't mean you have to smell evil too".
2- Insist you know five year olds that are more evil than he.
3- Speak in a sing-song voice.
4- Play a blues song on a harmonica everytime he brings up his tragic past.
5- Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
6- Dress him in a pink ballerina costume while he sleeps. Make sure you get lots of pictures and pin them on every wall you encounter.
7- Buy him a male prostitute. Tell him he shouldn't repress his feelings and that he shouldn't be ashamed to 'come out of the closet'.
8- Make vague illusions to Snape being his 'mistress'.
9- Call him Spankers McGee. Give him a theme song.
10- Offer to give him a scar. Insist you can give him a better one than Harry's. Inch closer to him holding a sharp knife and grin maliciously.
11- Teach his death eaters how to ballroom dance. Insist he sit through every recital.
12- Point and laugh at him at random moments.
13- Repeatedly sing Aqua's "Barbie Girl" during the death eater meetings.
14- Place bets that Dumbledore and Harry will eventually win the war. Make sure he sees the bets.
15- Speak in mime.
16- Get all of the death eaters to wear potter-style glasses. When he gets mad, insist 'it's the latest trend!' and point out that just because he's out of style doesn't mean everyone has to be.
17- Put up Harry Potter posters over all the walls. Make sure he can't get them off.
18- In your breathiest voice, exclaim that he is "your hero" and tell him to cut the crap about world domination and to give you something outlandishly sinful.
19- Poke him with an extremely long, sharp stick. Make sure he bleeds.
20- Randomly pirouette into different chambers. Claim you're practicing to be a ballerina.
21- Calmly remark that if he couldn't even outwit a baby, how does he think to rule supreme now?
22- Buy him a hot pink wig and tell him it's rude to be bald in public.
23- Buy him flowers, on the note write, "don't you love nature? Despite what it did to you?"
24- Smile and state, "all men are animals. Some just make better pets." Stare pointedly at him.
25- Remark out loud how any similarities between him and human beings are purely coincidental.
26- Smile and tell him that the ultimate proof of the nature of the sex drive was that someone was willing to father him.
27- Whenever he insults you or tries to kill you, burst into tears and point at him, loudly shrieking, "You'll never be the man your mother was!" before running out of the room.
28- Pat his back and tell him that his Death Eaters would follow him anywhere, then mutter (so he can still hear it), "but only out of morbid curiosity!"
29- Gasp loudly when in public, run up to him and press your face against his ear. Then loudly exclaim, "Oh look! You can hear the ocean!"
30- Amuse him with little known facts about Muggle country music.
31- Ask him if he's so powerful, why can't he kill a teenager and an old man?
32- Comment on how it was Wormtail who saved him first. Immediately get angry and accuse him of cheating on Snape. Make sure everyone can hear you.
33- Encourage him to discuss his 'feelings'.
34- Buy a magic fairy wand. Hit him over the head with it and encourage him to think 'happy thoughts'.
35- Insist that Neville Longbottom is much more cunning than he.
36- Buy him clothes. Pink and frilly clothes.
37- Announce everytime you go to the bathroom. Look at him in a creepy manner and ask him, "aren't you going to join me?" Wink and leave the room in a seductive manner.
38- Petition everyone to change the Death Eater's uniforms from scary black cloaks with white masks to neon green scuba gear and snorkels. Insist it would have a much better effect on scaring people.
39- Ask him if he needs any anger management, because you know this great therapist who specializes in dog safety.
40- Remark on any similarities between himself and Darth Vadar. Encourage him to say, "Harry, I am your father!"
41- Buy him an extremely hideous Pekinese dog.
42- Call said dog, "Mr. Puddles." When asked in reference to the name, smile and say it's because he leaves little 'presents' when he's happy.
43- Ask him to tattoo your name on his butt.
44- Constantly bring the subject up.
45- Buy him lingerie.
46- Run around at 3 am, screaming shrilly, for your own personal amusement.
47- Spell a condom wrapper to permanently follow him around. Point at the wrapper and tell him in a sing-song voice that you know what he and Snape were up to last night. Wink mischievously.
48- During death eater meetings, sing "Voldie loves Snape" to the Wedding tune.
49- Replace his wand with a stick. When he tries to do magic, point out that he might be 'losing his touch'.
50- Super glue a fake moustache to his face. Make sure no one tells him it's there.
51- Whenever he has his back to you, throw something at him.
52- Sing, "I have a cookie, I have a cookie!" during really quiet moments, then add: "and Voldiekins doesn't, and Voldiekins doesn't!"
53- Tell everyone you taught him everything he knows.
54- Sneak up behind him and spray him with women's perfume. Insist it's Snape's favourite brand, and that you were only trying to help him 'get lucky'.
55- Shower him with heart-shaped confetti everytime he does something good.
56- Threaten to give him a time-out when he says something particularly mean.
57- Ask him if you can put makeup on him. When he says no, pout and tell him, "but Dumbledore let me do it!"
58- Incessantly ask him when he's going to get married. Look at him expectantly, then at Snape, and then back to him. Remind him that he's not getting any younger and his mistress might just leave him for ignoring his feelings.
59- Wake him up with Celine Dion's "my heart will go on."
60- Meow occasionally.
61- During long stretches of silence, loudly hum the tune from "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
62- Plan a surprise party for him. Make sure it's Barbie-themed and everything's pink.
63- Offer every Death Eater you meet a goodie bag. Make sure the said goodie bags contain 'inappropriate outfits', candies filled with a 'stimulant' and whipped cream. At the meeting, sit next to Volders and make lude comments about his subjects inability to control their 'needs'.
64- Remark on the similarities between him and Jerry Springer. Insist he start his own talkshow.
65- Whack him with a stick whenever the urge strikes you.
67- Randomly climb on the table and disco dance. Encourage him to join you.
68- Point out how Harry is "so much sexier than he is".
69- Insist that he wear the hideously fluffy pink bunny costume you got him for his birthday. Tell him it matched the surprise party's theme, and that you bought it just because of that.
70- Make vague allusions to a threesome and some whipped cream involving him, Snape and Wormtail.
Well, what do you think? Was it good? Or was it just too overly done to be even remotely funny?
x Caramel