Disclaimer: This is purely meant for entertainment purposes. It is not meant to be offensive, and has been created entirely by the use of sarcasm. We do not own Mr. Butler or any other actor or movie mentioned...though we might wish to.
2nd Breakfast Enterprises
666 Melkor's Place
Alqualondë, Middle Earth
Mr. Gerard Butler
69 Inept Street
Nogameville, XY 00000
Dear Mr. Butler:
We write to express our concern on your ability to convince the world's female population of the infallibility of your sexual prowess.
The Phantom of the Opera was a triumph for you. You effectively seduced us all with your capability of portraying the tall, dark and mysteriously handsome man that can wear provocative and form-fitting trousers without reminding us of a pubescent Michael Jackson. We congratulate you wholeheartedly for driving every girl, woman, and gay to rhapsodic bouts of loin-centered passion and lust.
However, our expectations for your performance in Beowulf and Grendel were not met and it disappointed us more than Pearl Harbor disappointed the box office. We have learned to expect a certain standard of sexual magnetism in your characters, but in Beowulf we felt none of that lustful spark. In fact, we saw Beowulf as nothing more than an overly-hormonal teenaged boy who fails to reach home base due to mechanical malfunctions.
As women, we feel the need to inform you that women require a certain amount of caressing, petting and fondling before your muffin man can play in our bakery. It's called FOREPLAY. And without foreplay, you have no game. And that fact, though amusing to us, has no doubt disheartened and perhaps traumatized countless women.
Dracula 2000. Yet another example of the lack of sexual veracity. If we were supposed to feel mildly aroused by the sight of Dracula forcing himself on the unsuspecting woman while on the ceiling, that was a rather large assumption on the part of the directors. In the presence of such unneeded and frightfully cheesy theme music, one could not help but be repelled. That dastardly tune that played every time Dracula wooed yet another "helpless" female forced us to feel more sexually attracted to a tadpole than to the world's most famous vampire.
But, on the other hand, we must give you due credit for Reign of Fire. Pairing up with Mr. Bale was quite possibly the smartest career move you ever made. After seeing that movie girls, women and gays could not help but secretly fantasize of a ménage-a-trois with you and the delectable Mr. Bale.
As humble movie-goers, we felt it our solemn duty to inform you of those faults aforementioned in this letter. We greatly desire you to recapture the lustful throes of womankind so you will once again be worthy of the title: Sex, The Drug.
If you disagree with the opinions voiced here, feel free to persuade us otherwise. We are not too proud to admit our wrongs. We will gladly accept an invitation to rendezvous in order to discuss this issue in further detail. In fact, we hope that you might be able to personally disprove our assumptions many times. (But, in fair warning, we require ample proof and experimentation before we could be tempted to change our minds).
We remain, for now, your indebted fans.
Sincerely yours,
Raevyn & Tabitha
CEOs and Founders
2nd Breakfast Enterprises