How Spike Stole Christmas by Michael Weaver
Summary: Buffy version of Seuss's
Grinch.
Disclaimer: Original Grinch story not ours. No ownership
of characters either. Writing for entertainment purposes
only.
Completed: December 25, 2003
All the Sunnydale Scoobies liked Chrstmas a lot
Although Spike, who lived in a graveyard, did not.
Spike hated Christmas,
the whole Christmas season
Oh please don't ask why, no one quite
knows the reason.
It could be the chip
that was stuck in his head,
or his pining for Buffy with lips ruby
red.
But I think that the
entire reason, in full,
may have been that poor Spikey was missing
a soul.
But whatever the
reason, his soul or Buff's rubies
he stood there on Christmas Eve
hating the Scoobies,
staring out from his
crypt with a sour Spikey frown
"I'd like nothing more than to
take that bitch down!
-- Well, maybe a bit
more," he had to admit.
"I wouldn't mind taking a bite
of that Brit
--or Xander the
sidekick, or Willow the witch,
or that ex-demon Anya, who wants to
be rich.
If it weren't for this
chip, I could nibble, at least.
--To hell with just nibblin' --
I'd feast, feast, feast, feast!
Since that's out o' the
question, w'this thing in me head,
I'll settle for just getting
Buffy to bed!
But she won't want that
'cause she thinks I'm beneath her."
Then he let out a growl,
which shattered the ether.
"First poofy
Angel, and then 'Cardboard Boy',
and now she's just focused on
holiday joy!
If it weren't for
Christmas, her notice I'd get.
And then I would make her my own
little pet!"
Then Spike got an idear
-- an awful idear!
"I'll fake having a soul -- that thing she
finds dear!
And to make sure she'll
notice, I'll steal Christmas --ooh!
and Solstice, and Gurnenthar's
ascension day, too!
But I'll need a costume
of bright Christmas red.
I won;t bloody make it -- I'll steal it
instead!"
It was already dark --
it was 8:34 --
so he hopped in his car and he drove to a store
with department store
Santas, from whom Spike would take
a costume when Santa Claus went
on his break.
So when this fake Santa
removed coat and beard,
Spike showed him the vamp face so many
have feared.
Spike's pleased but he
thought "I still need one more thingo."
And he went to
the house of one certain Dingo.
He put on the coat, the
hat and the beard
and knocked on the door -- but no one appeared.
"There's only one
way to get Oz to come out.
That music's so loud that I'll just
have to shout!
I'M FATHER CHRISTMAS --
I mean SANTA CLAUS!
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SEND OUT BLOODY OZ!"
Oz came to the door but
then started to swoon.
Oz had forgotten -- it was a full moon!
But Spike had
remembered. It was part of his plan.
Oz was no good to him i'the
form of a man.
Spike captured the
werewolf, then took the poor wretch
right back to his crypt where
he taught Oz to fetch.
"I can't go into
the houses, you see,
but now that he's trained, he'll steal
Christmas for me."
Oz must look the part,
so he took some black thread
and he tied a big horn on the top of
his head.
Then he harnessed Oz up
to his auto's front fender,
and Spike got inside, and he yelled
out the winder:
"Giddyap! Get
moving! Off with you then!
You just keep pulling and I'll tell you
when."
They first stopped at
Giles' house. Spike unharnessed Oz
and sent him inside with three
bags in his claws.
And soon Oz returned
with all the bags brimming
with spell books and turkey with all of
the trimming.
"Right then, good
dog, I can do with a nosh.
'Specially at Giles' expense -- thinks
he's so posh."
Xander's was next, and
while Oz filled the bags,
Spike lit a smoke and he took a few
drags.
And then on to Anya's
and Tara's and Willow's,
where Oz filled the bags 'til they looked
like huge pillows.
Then finally to
Buffy's. "She'll have such a wiggins
when she finds out that
Oz took her little stuffed piggins."
They loaded the car and
returned to Spike's hovel.
"And now I can�t
wait to hear them all grovel!
Buffy will cry -- I can
comfort and hug her
and tell her that all will be fine but-- OH
BUGGER!"
Oh bugger was right for
this sound wasn't sad.
No one was groveling -- they all sounded
glad!
Every Scoob' down in
Sunnydale was singin', not screamin',
and this time it wasn't
because of a demon!
So Spike stood amazed
there inside of his crypt
just puzzling and puzzling. "I
think I've been gypped!"
He puzzled and puzzled
'til his bleached head was sore.
Then Spike thought of something
he hadn't before.
"Maybe what Buffy
needs doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Buffy -- perhaps -- needs a
little bit more.
And what happened then?
Well in Sunnydale they say
that Spike's pretend soul turned quite
real on that day.
And now the true
meaning of Christmas came through,
and Spike found the strength of
ten vampires -- plus Dru!
So now with a soul, he
was not such a louse
and returned all he stole back to everyone's
house.
He rode into Sunnydale,
hauling their riches,
returning the powder he stole from the
witches.
He brought back Giles'
books and to Joyce's first daughter
returned Mr. Gordo, and some
holy water.
He brought everything
back, and was invited to stay
and celebrate Christmas with the
Scoobies that day.
At the end of that
evening Spike rose up and said
"I've never had so much fun
since I've been dead.
And let me just say (if
I may be indulgent)
for most of this night I have felt quite
effulgent!
But now I'm just bored, so sod it."
The End