Authors Note: Yeah, I wrote this about 2 in the morning, based off of some other story I wrote. So it may not be me best work, but I tried. R & R please.
It all began quite simple, really. Another day, another demon trying to get its hands on the Shikon no Tama. The demon was very fast, riveling Sesshoumaru even. Inuyasha had finally been able to slay the demon, but not before it had lashed out at Kagome, sending her flying into a tree so hard it snapped in half. And it would have been fine, eventually.
She would have rested for a few weeks, and then be back fighting demons again, good as new. If it hadn't of been for that one, simple word, Kagome would have gone on wearing rose tinted glasses.
"KIKYOU!!!"
And that was all it took. The rose tinted glasses broke and the clouds started rolling in. Sango had told her that she had been out for two weeks. They hadn't been sure if she'd even wake up. Upon hearing that she'd had the chance to sleep and never wake up again, and had passed it up, Kagome coulda kicked herself. Atleast when she was in a coma she didn't think about Inuyasha. Atleast she could close her eyes without hearing that...that word...that name echo inside her mind...
"KIKYOU!!!!"
So there she was, sitting underneath the Goshinboku, her gaze drifting between the well and the shards in her hand. Should she leave and never come back? No...she had a duty to the Shikon no Tama, and all her friends. She couldn't leave. But...she couldn't stay either. It was killing her. Having to look at him, day after day, having him smile at her, having him say her name.
"KIKYOU!!!!!"
And suddenly it all came crashing down on her. The fight, her duty as the Shikon's guardian, Inuyasha...everything. Felt her throat burn, her blood boil as sorrow and selfpity changed to rage and selfloathing.
"I HATE YOU!" And started pounding the ground, because saying it wasn't enough. "I HATE YOU! I HATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU! I. HATE. YOU!"
Kagome slid to the ground, tears running freely. "I hate you...so much..." She whispered, her voice raw from yelling. The leaves of the Goshinboku rustled in the wind, as if trying to comfort her, but to no avail. A footstep sounded, causing her head to jerk up, only to stare at Miroku, who stood there with a concerned look on his face.
"Who do you hate, Kagome-sama?"
She turned her head away, contemplating the answer. Who did she hate? Inuyasha for loving Kikyou or Kikyou for exsisting? The answer left her lips, leaving her as surprised as Miroku seemed to be. But it was true. "Myself. I hate myself for loving him...for caring...Inuyasha and Kikyou belong together, I know. I knew that from the start. And yet..." A sigh. "Some part of me...some part of me hoped that it would work."
Her fingers played with the grass, stilling as Miroku made himself comfortable next to her. She wasn't really in the mood to be cheerful. Kagome knew her friends cared, but it felt like she always had to put up a facade for them. After all, she was the one who usually cheered people up, not the other way around. But she was so tired...she just wanted to sleep...just close her eyes...until everything went away. That never worked though. She knew, having tried it when her father'd died.
"Can I ask you something, Miroku?" Why was she talking? Didn't she just think to herself that she wanted him to go away, and leave her in peace? So...why was she talking?
"But of course, Kagome-sama." And didn't he realize how complicated he was making things, being so nice? Why couldn't he just walk away, and scoff at how stupid she was being? Why couldn't he just tromp over her feelings, like Inuyasha? Why did he have to care?
Her mouth seemed to have a mind of its own, it seemed. "Was it wrong of me, to ask that he care? Was it wrong of me, to ask for his attention?" Her eyes closed. "Was I selfish to ask for more?"
The monk pauses, opening his mouth several times, only to shut it once more. He knew that what she really wanted was some sugar-coated lie, like one would read in a FairyTale. But he also knew that if there was one thing Kagome hated, it was being coddled.
"Was it selfish of you to ask for something more?" He muses. "Yes, it was."
She knew it.
"But...in a way, that's kind of what love is. Seeing what you want and taking it. Asking for the world, and expecting to get all that, and more. Wishing for a happily ever after, yet being content with simply getting a 'happily'. Wanting everything they can give you, for each memory to last forever. The fact is, love is about being selfish." He looked over at Kagome, his eyes flashing. "Everyone deserves that type of selfishness, Kagome-sama. Even you."
It was nice, Kagome decided, having someone comfort her for a change. She'd forgotten what it was like, to simply cry and let herself break down. It felt nice, sometimes, to be selfish. And that was when she realized...that she couldn't love Inuyasha anymore. Because if she continued loving him, she would end up dying. He would end up killing her.
Miroku's voice interupted her thoughts, jerking her back to the present. "Are you coming back?"
At first she didn't comprehend what he was getting at, until she saw that his gaze laid on the bone-eaters well, and nodded. "Yes. I promise."
His shoulders relaxed slightly, but only just, as another idea came to mind. "You know...loving somebody as much as you did Inuyasha...and then giving up on them...I'm not sure I'd be able to do that."
Her first instinct was to shout at him that he didn't know anything, that she didn't want to give up, that she loved him so much...but she realized that he wasn't accusing her, merely making a statement. For a while, Kagome just sat there, watching the sunset, until an urge came over her to correct the Monk's statement.
"My Mom...she once told me a story about this guy. And how she loved him with all her might, but she had to let him go, because she wanted more." She smiled softly. "I thought the same thing as you. How hard it must've been for her to leave him like that. But I think I understand now. Its not that you want to leave them." A sigh.
"Truth is, you love them so much that it hurts. So much so, that you can barely breathe. Can barely think. Yet there's this part of you, that wants more. That knows that your life isn't with them. Its not so much so that you give up...I don't think you really can give up on love. But I think you sort of...accept...that things are never going to work out. And you...you learn to let them go."
He nodded as though he understood, but Kagome could tell that he didn't, not really. And he probably never would until he had his heart broken like she had. Still, she had cleared things up, and that was what really mattered.
"If you could, would you go back and make it to where you never fell in love with Inuyasha in the first place?" He asked, curiously. Kagome sat silent, chewing on a blade of grass, as she thought the question over. Would she? If she could, would she choose to change everything, to never remember? All the memories...
Laughing like an idiot over the stupidest thing...
Blushing like a school girl from the smallest smile...
Looking around all the stores in town...
Trying to find that perfect gift for him come Christmas...
Only to find out that he had no idea what Christmas was...
But giving it to him anyway, because she simply couldn't care less...
How he knew from a simple word that her day had been horrible...
And somehow, managing to make her smile again...
Having had the worst day ever...
Turned into the best day ever...
Just because he noticed...
The fights...
The way he different ways he said 'sorry'...
The hugs that lasted longer than they should have...
She stood up, and shouldering her backpack, made her way over to the well. It'd only been a couple weeks since she went home, but she wanted to be in her mother's soothing presence for a while. As she sat on the lid of the well, about to jump in, she turned towards Miroku, who's hand was gripping his staff tightly, only to relax as her answer reached his ears.
"Never."
Inuyasha, who sat high above in the Goshinboku, glared down at the well as it glowed blue, a growl threatning to make its way loose. How could she just give up on him? Why couldn't she give him some more time? He needed time to think for gods sake! The half demon jumped down from the tree, not even stopping to mumble an apology to the startled monk as he made his way back to Kaede's.
It wasn't fair. First Kikyou...He stopped in his tracks, eyes wide as everything suddenly came into light.
"I'm not Kikyou! My name is Kagome! Ka.Go.Me!"
He knew that...honestly...he did...he knew that he should let her go, that it wasn't fair of him to hold her down like this...but he wasn't ready. He loved her, he really did...but he...she wasn't...
She wasn't Kikyou. And she never would be.
Kagome returned, a week later, a pep in her step, and a spark in her eye. And seeing her...able to live...able to be happy without him. It scared him, knowing that she might not need him. Scared him shitless in fact.
"KAGOME!"
He jumped down from the tree he'd been in and pulled her into a hug, gripping her arms tightly. "I really do love you, ya know." He whispered, burrowing his face in her hair. She always smelled so good...
Instead of relaxing into the hug, however, she pulled away, glaring at Inuyasha. "Don't you dare do that do me, Inuyasha." Her voice shook. "Don't tell me you love me, because you're scared! Don't give me false hope like that. That's not fair. That's not fair, and you know it."
The miko turned her back and headed towards the village, where she knew Sango and the others would be waiting for her, ignoring the now defeated hanyou. Inuyasha's fists were balled up so tightly his claws peirced the skin, causing blood to trickle down his hands. Kagome's words coming back to him.
...Truth is, you love them so much that it hurts. So much so, that you can barely breathe. Can barely think. Yet there's this part of you, that wants more. That knows that your life isn't with them. Its not so much so that you give up...I don't think you really can give up on love. But I think you sort of...accept...that things are never going to work out. And you...you learn to let them go.
Closing his eyes in resignation, Inuyasha decided to return the favor.
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