So this is sort of an exercise I've been wanting to do, and have been doing for awhile, but it didn't get finished until... now, since I've started school and all. I wanted to do a concept story that took an album and had a part for each song, and it was supposed to be chapters... but somehow it became a oneshot. So I have the first part of the album, which is part one (anyone who is into Ryan Adams will know that the two EPs came together to form all of "Love is Hell") and then I have this random interlude that goes in between that I've been thinking about in my head for a long time... in any event, I'm going to stop rambling and hope you enjoy! I'm really excited for the second part though because yes.

Political Scientist

Her husband's divorced but he treats her that way of course
Because he needs her just like he needs medicine

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Derek whispers in the darkness of their bedroom. He kisses the bottom of her swollen feet and lightly massages them with his thumbs. "I love you, I love you." His hands move up her legs to the expanse of her stomach and he presses his cheek against her warm skin. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he repeats and Meredith sighs, moving her hand into his thick dark hair.

"Don't say that. I'm fat," she sighs again and gently runs her fingernails across his scalp.

He moves his head up so that he is looking at her closed eyelids, "You're carrying my child. I love you Mer. And when you're finished with that, I'll still love you because you're going to be my wife."

She shivers and opens her eyes. "Don't say that Derek," her voice is almost pleading.

He squints at her before letting out a long sigh of his own and letting his cheek drop back to her belly.

---

A week later, Meredith is in the hospital. She squeezes Derek with her right hand and Cristina with her left, Addison Montgomery is positioned between her legs instructing her to push with a gaggle of nurses behind her.

The room is surprisingly quiet. Derek is cannot help but stare, awe struck at what is occurring, and Cristina was never much for words. Before they know it, Addison's soft directions and Meredith's grunting, is broken by the sharp cry of an infant.

Meredith sinks into the bed, her efforts complete. She squeezes her eyes shut while the rest of the proceedings go on around her.

"It's a boy," Addison announces, and Derek lets out a small cry of excitement. "Ten fingers and ten toes," she adds, and Meredith has a feeling of relief that is completely unfamiliar to her.

She opens her eyes again and the small, pink, child has quieted and being held in front of her. She moves to take him in her arms, and Derek moves in closer, "What was the name we picked out?" she quietly questions.

"Jacob," he quickly responds. "Jacob. Jacob Derek Shepherd." He offers Jacob his finger and grins when he grips his if his tiny fist. "Jacob," he repeats.

"Jacob," Meredith finds herself saying, She ignores Cristina, who is saying something about going to tell the others, and about helping Meredith fill out the paperwork. Meredith is somehow happy about being able to put a name to the person who terrifies her the most. She stares at the baby, with Derek tending to her sweaty brow, and they look every bit the happy family.

Afraid Not Scared

Look at this ocean with everyone drowning
Idiots screaming and everyone sinking in slowly
We're surrounded
In the yellow lights of the city wasted as bodies
In bed with somebody a touch away with nothing to do
We're surrounded
I'm really dying here

In the house, in the middle of the woods, there is nothing for Meredith to do. For once, she is alone. Jacob is napping, Derek is out grocery shopping, and the steady stream of visitors who had filled their home, has tapered, as everyone tries to return to their normal routines.

She doesn't know if she is happy, happiness feels strange and she finds even her own skin new and unfamiliar. She runs her hands over the flatter skin of her stomach, wary of her own reality and wondering if she rubs her stomach enough it will swell, expand, and fill with another child for her to fear. She supposes she should sleep now, because the baby still does not sleep through the night. She lies in the bed and sleep never comes, so she makes her way to the kitchen.

There are about a million baskets of fruit and cheese and bottles of wine and champagne that Meredith can't yet drink. She sits on a stool in the large kitchen, and tries to think, she has to do something, anything, but her brain is filled with static and her body feels heavy. She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes, and inhales deeply, begging her mind to clear itself, and her jittery nerves to relax.

The back door swings open and Derek enters. He looks at her, with mischievous eyes and Meredith is suddenly jealous of him.

"I thought you went out to get food," she observes that his hands are empty.

"I know!" he says excitedly. "I know that's what I said, but I got a little sidetracked. I promise I'll go back out again, but I promise that this will make you happy, too." He steps aside and a small, brown puppy runs in, looking up at Meredith expectantly. "I thought, I thought every little boy should have a dog. And maybe we could call him Jack? So it would be like Jack and Jacob, or is that too cheesy?" Derek picks up the dog and wrinkles his nose. "Meredith?" he awaits an answer.

Jacob answers instead, his cries audible in the baby monitor Meredith has clipped to the belt loop of her jeans, and echoing throughout the house. "I can't – I can't have that in my house," she mutters, before running up to tend to the baby.

---

Weeks later, when Jacob has been weaned off breast milk to formula, and Jack is still "shitting all over the floors," Meredith opens one of the celebratory bottles of wine and finishes it, finally falling asleep.

This House is Not For Sale

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We're still livin' here, how come nobody can tell
They're takin' all the furniture, movin' our things

Derek is slowly becoming unable to recognize the woman he lives with.

He tries talking to her. "Meredith, I was thinking we should get the nanny to come in while you're still here, so Jake can get used to her before you go back to work?" he suggests once she has returned from her daily walk. He bounces the baby on his knee.

She murmurs something inaudible and opens the fridge, pulls out a half empty bottle of white wine, and unceremoniously pours it into a mug. Jacob gurgles a response, clutching his father's worn sweatshirt.

He eyes her warily. "OK. So maybe next week and she can spend the next two weeks with you to you know, get the routine."

"Fine," she mutters. "It's all fine, just do what you think is right." She swallows the last of her mug, and pours another serving. Jacob laughs.

Derek returns his attention to her. "Mer, don't you think that's a little much?"

She stares at him blankly. "What?" She takes a sip and Jacob makes another happy noise, pleading for his father's attention.

"You know what? Forget it," he rises from his seat and takes the baby to playroom, while she digs in the refrigerator for another drink.

Love Is Hell

It's raining, I can see it outside
Funny I'm still in it
Just sitting here with Johnny and Ralph'
Until the room starts spinning

The nanny comes and Meredith doesn't remember her name, but she's grateful for her existence. Meredith is jealous that Derek gets to go to work, but it becomes easier without his constant presence and watchful eyes she can leave the woman (what is her name?) with the baby and go to Joe's in the afternoon. Motherhood has strengthened her stomach, and she drinks greedily. Tequila has become the nectar of the gods, and the days and weeks are livable when they pass by her in a cloudy, spinning haze.

Wonderwall

Back beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
And I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how
Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall

It is late when Meredith's cab pulls up to the dark house, and she knows that she has been caught. She presses her forehead against the window, before overpaying the driver and stumbling out of the car, and into the house that does not feel like a home.

The first to greet her is the dog. He runs excitedly around her ankles while she gropes the wall for the kitchen light switch. "Shh, Jack, quiet," she begs. "Please, don't wake them up." He whines, and then complies, trotting down the hall and disappearing into the darkness.

Something in the dining room catches her eye, and she winces. Derek had said something to her about having dinner together, but she cannot remember if she just hadn't been listening, or had been too far gone to notice. She makes her way into the room and bites her lip, her eyes surveying the damage she has done. Cold food sits at the center of the table, and there are two set places, plus high chair. On one of the dishes is a velvet box and Meredith instinctively opens it. She sees that it contains a small diamond ring and her breath catches in her throat, her eyes welling with tears.

"Derek?" she questions, and there is only silence as a response. "Derek?" she repeats, turning on her heel and attempting to maneuver her way through the rest of the house. "Derek? Derek?" she whispers, and wrings the hand that isn't still clutching the jewelry box. "Derek?" She opens the door to their bedroom, "Derek?"

"Meredith?" His voice is thick with sleep as he rolls over in bed and stares at her.

"Derek? Derek? I'm sorry." The room is turning now, and her head is spinning, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," she sobs again. She tries to take a step forward and ends up stumbling to her knees, but she holds on to the velvet box as if it were her lifeblood.

"Jesus! Mer," Derek says, before coming to her side.

"I'm sorry, I'm ruining everything," Meredith says, gasping for breath. Her stomach turns, and once she realizes she's going to be sick she pulls herself up and hurries to the bathroom.

Derek is not far behind her, and she feels him pulling her hair from around her face with a hand on her back, until she finishes heaving into the toilet. Once finished, she sits up and Derek fills a cup with water from the sink. The water and the vomit have a sobering effect on Meredith and the room seems to move at a slower pace.

"What's going on Mer?" Derek finally questions, somewhat rhetorically.

Meredith can't look him in the eye, so she turns her attention to the jewelry box that she had since dropped to the floor. "Do you want me to put this on?" she changes the subject. Her voice is hoarse, and tired.

Derek takes a minute, before reaching out and tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. His action is interrupted by a sharp wail from Jacob's bedroom and he squeezes his eyes shut, unsuccessfully willing the noise to stop. He presses his lips against her forehead before going to answer Jacob's call, "You decide," he says softly and leaves Meredith on the bathroom floor.

Meredith opens the box, slips the ring around the appropriate finger, and cries.

Shadowlands

Most people never find a love
Most people never find a love
Sometimes you just can be a man
Sometimes you just can be a man
When you're living in the darkness
Of the shadowlands

The next night is a repeat of the previous, except this time Meredith knows better than to have the cab drop her off at her own home, instead giving him the directions to the townhouse she used to share with George and Izzie. They still live there, except now with Callie and Alex, respectively, their lives little changed.

Meredith licks her lips and tries to get herself together, before making her way up the steps to the porch and ringing the doorbell repeatedly.

The door flies open and Izzie is visibly started to see Meredith standing there. "Are you OK?" She opens the screen door to let Meredith in and immediately wrinkles her nose. "Christ, you smell like a gin factory."

"I missed you guys," Meredith tries to keep the mood light, and shifts her weight from foot to foot, but Izzie is not amused, and she cringes when she sees George come down the staircase.

"So you decided to come visit at 2 AM?" Izzie's voice is sharp and harsh. "Whatever, I'm going to call Shepherd."

Meredith's eyes widen, "No!" Her hands fly up to her face. "No, don't call – I just want to… I wanted to spend the night in my old room like old times."

Meredith is surprised when Izzie doesn't say anything but instead gasps, loudly. She feels Izzie grab her wrist and she cringes again when she realizes what exactly her friend has noticed.

"You didn't tell me he proposed!"

"It was yesterday," her voice is surprisingly tiny and she keeps her eyes shut. She knows that George isn't saying anything, and she can tell that he hasn't moved from the bottom of the staircase and is watching the proceeding with confusion.

"Meredith!" Izzie is shaking her arm now. "Mer, why aren't you at home?"

She inhales, "I can't. I can't go there."

"I'm calling Dr. Shepherd," George mutters. "He's going to come and get you."

"No," Meredith protests again. "No!" She shakes her head. "No! He can't. He can't," she repeats.

"You're a mess Meredith," George states, plainly, and she pulls her arm out of Izzie's grasp.

"No! You can't talk to me like that," Meredith crosses the room until she's standing directly in front of him. She pushes fiercely against his chest. "You can't say that to me."

"Meredith!" Izzie hisses, for the second time that night.

"No, Izzie. You make him stop," she pushes George again.

George grabs her wrists and wordlessly pushes her away, his eyes dark, turning to enter the kitchen and call Derek.

Meredith stumbles backwards, and sinks into the couch. "I can't go back there Izzie," she protests. "I just want to say, I just want to stay," she says repeatedly, pulling her hair with her hands and burying her body into the cushions before she falls into a deep sleep.

---

When Meredith opens her eyes again, she is back in their house, in their bed. Derek is awake, and his eyes are watching her, concerned, while Jacob's sleeping form fills the gap between them.

He reaches over the baby and touches her cheek and puts her hand up to hold his there. "Do you have to go to work?" she asks quietly. She feels his eyes searching her face before he responds.

"No, my surgery's been rescheduled." He clears his throat and speaks again. "Meredith, do you want to talk about what happened last night?" His voice is surprisingly gentle, and her eyelashes wet with tears.

"Derek?"

He nods.

"Please don't leave me," she whispers.

A look that Meredith doesn't recognize crosses his eyes. "I don't want to, Mer," he says cryptically, and she is left to wonder what it means.

World War 24

Coma comes
Like bullets from a candy gun
Delivers us into the sun

Cristina sits in the living room, cradling Jacob and waiting for Meredith to return from taking the dog out.

"You know I didn't think I was going to like you at first," Cristina dryly admits to the smiling baby, who giggles in response. "But now it seems like you're starting to develop a little bit more of a personality." He makes more happy noises and long trail of drool slides down to his bib. She can't help but smile back at him, her godson, but her smile quickly fades when she hears Meredith re-enter the house. It is not a time for happiness.

Jack pads into the room to settle on a pillow in the corner, and Meredith follows not far behind. "Thanks for watching him," she says. She makes no move to retrieve her child, and instead sinks into the chair opposite Cristina.

A long silence passes before Cristina initiates the conversation she had traveled to make. "What are you doing Meredith?" She sounds, surprising even herself, confused, and confusion is an emotion that Cristina Yang rarely feels. "What are you doing?" she repeats again, this time with more conviction. "Why won't you talk to Shepherd? At least tell him what's going on if you can't come to me." Her voice trails off, and when she realizes that Meredith isn't going to respond, she continues. "Because you're killing yourself, and you're killing him, and eventually this is going to start affecting Jacob." The baby seems to recognize his own name and interrupts Cristina with a loud squeal. She shakes her head, before returning her attention to the woman in front of her. "I know that you're scared, scared of becoming your mother or whatever – but the only person who can stop you from becoming your mother is yourself, and at least she was even trying." Cristina is again surprised, this time at the harshness of her own words. "George and Izzie told me about what happened the other night, and maybe it's time to ask someone for help Meredith, because after awhile, whatever problem it is you have is going to be too big for you to solve and you will have driven away the people who love you the most."

When Cristina has the courage to look up again, she sees that Meredith is twisting her engagement ring, a pained look decorating her features.

"I know I'm coming down on you Meredith, but sometimes that's just what you need." With that, Christina rises to her feet, places Jacob in Meredith's arms, and exits.

Avalanche

She falls apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed
When it's over

Meredith can't recall the last time she tried to cook something. She had thought about it when she was planning ways to break the news to Derek that she was pregnant, but thinking about doing something almost a year ago, hardly counted as actually doing it. She slices, and dices, and pulls the lasagna out of the oven when she's supposed to, trying not to wrinkle her nose at how it comes out. Jacob watches her with wide eyes, from his position in the playpen, crying only when it's time for his own feeding, and eventually falling into a deep sleep. Meredith is grateful for her son's cooperation, and once he is tucked into his crib, she goes to set the table. She considers putting a bottle of wine on the table, but finally decides on grape juice. She sits at the head, fiddling with the utensils, and waiting for Derek to return.

She hears him open the door and calls out, "Derek? I'm in here."

He enters the room, briefcase still in hand, and eyes her, curiously.

"I thought we could – I made dinner," she explains, and awkwardly gestures at the array of food.

"I see," he says slowly, setting his things down and shrugging out of his jacket. He places it on the back of his chair before taking a seat and looking at her, expectantly.

"Um, so," she bites her lips and passes him the salad. "Start with this, and there are vegetables… and I tried to make lasagna but if you don't like it you don't have to eat it. And, I guess I should have gotten rolls or something but I wasn't thinking, and it was… this was kind of half planned," her voice trails off and they're thrust into a brief silence again. Meredith doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, because it seems like she has said more words to him in seconds than she has in months.

"It's fine," he insists, his brow wrinkled with confusion. "It looks – it looks great Meredith," he adds, as he shovels green beans onto his plate.

Meredith lets out a breath of air and twists her napkin in her fingers. "OK," she mumbles, and watches him raise his fork to his mouth for a bite.

He raises an eyebrow, "You're not eating?"

This startles Meredith and she jumps, slightly, in her seat. "Oh, right," she halfheartedly places a portion of salad onto her plate and pushes it with her fork. "Um, how was work?" she offers, a bit lamely and tries to ignore Derek's questioning stare.

"Long," he finally answers.

"Oh."

"Where's Jake?"

"Asleep." Her voice seems to be shrinking, and she squeezes her eyes shut and inhales deeply, before opening them again. By now, Derek has stopped eating entirely and his eyes are still boring baffled holes into her. "I just – I just wanted to make up for the other night, I know you wanted to eat together, and we haven't had the time," she clears her throat. "And I wanted to talk to you."

It is Derek's turn to sigh, and he drops his silverware to grab her shaking hand into his own. He squeezes it, gently, urging her to continue with his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away," she closes her eyes again. "And I'm sorry that I've been so messed up these past few weeks. I can't – I can't completely explain it but there's something wrong, with me. I'm so scared of everything, of you, of this house, of, of the baby, and I'm confused, and I don't know – it's just, well it was easier for me to just make it quiet when I, when I drink," she winces at her last few words, before more come tumbling out of her lips. "But instead of making things better it's making it worse and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you, and being terrified of that scares me even more because I think I need you," she chokes back a sob and licks her lips, glancing in his direction. "I don't think I know who I am any more, and I just want to be me again, and I can't be me without you," she pleads; her lips are quivering, and salty tears blaze a steady trail down her cheeks.

"Oh, Mer," he whispers, and she turns her head away from him, running the back of her hand across her eyes. "Meredith," he uses her full name this time. "Meredith look at me," he instructs, and takes both of her hands in his. "Mer, I'm not going anywhere," his voice is soft, yet strong, as he tries to reassure her.

"I'm just scared," her shoulders shudder. "I want to stop, but I won't be able to, and then when I do I don't think I'll feel right, still."

Derek pulls her closer, until she is sitting haphazardly in his lap, crying and clutching at his shirt. "We will find a way to make this work," he murmurs, and rubs her back in slow circles. "We'll figure it out, we'll figure it out," he says it twice, as if he is trying also to convince himself.

Caterwaul

How can I explain to you
What you did to me with words
Words just like the ones you used

It is another day and Derek is following Meredith around the first floor of the house with a large carton. They are filling the box with bottles and cans, small, medium, and large, full and empty, beer, wine, and liquor. He follows her through the house, and into the garage where they set the box alongside other things to be disposed of.

When this process is finished, he takes Meredith's hand into his own and softly kisses her cheek. "I talked to Preston," he says, on their way back into the house.

"Oh, yeah?"

"And he thinks it would be ok, and I thought it would be a good idea too, if we extended your maternity leave for another couple weeks, until you feel ready," he waits for her to protest, and relaxes when her only reply is a nod. "And I was thinking," he continues. "That I would take a week off too, and the nanny won't have to come in and we can spend some time together, just the three of us, while you're trying to get things together."

"OK," her voice is initially quiet. "OK," she repeats, this time with a little more enthusiasm. She offers him a timid smile, and bites her lower lip.

"Hey," he says. Derek touches her waist and pulls her until her body is touching his. He brushes his lips across her forehead, then her nose, and then her lips. "It'll be like a vacation," he presses his forehead against hers. His smile widens when he sees her eyes brighten. "Nothing glamorous, but us." This draws a laugh, and now he is grinning. "And, I'm really proud of you." His voice cracks with the last sentence, "I am so proud of you."

Halloween

We are here to help you sing your songs
Because tomorrow's gonna come

A month later, Meredith tucks her thin legs under her body on a couch, and picks absently at the fibers on a pillow. "So then we took Jacob to see my mother," she licks her lips. "And I think that went well, she seemed pretty lucid and he didn't cry. We're going to try to take him there more regularly, so she can start to get to know him and he can know her." She raises her eyes and watches the woman in front of her, in the pencil skirt and the square-framed glasses, scratch things on the yellow memo pad that rests on her knee. "I didn't see my grandparents enough when I was little and Jacob doesn't have that many left…" her voice trails off.

The woman raises a dark eyebrow, and continues writing. "Do you think that Jacob needs more… adult attention?"

A laugh escapes Meredith's lips and she continues to pick at the throw pillow. "He definitely gets plenty of that. People… well our friends from the hospital are over a lot and they dote on him and… it's kind of like they're his extended family," she admits.

The woman's eyes reach hers, "That's wonderful," she says warmly. "And how are things going with you and Dr. Shepherd?"

Meredith licks her lips again, "Derek is, well, he's Derek." She twists the ring that sits on her left hand and tucks her hair behind her ear. "I'm trying to be more honest with him, like you said. And doing the whole telling him my feelings thing. He gets on my case about that," she twists her ring another time for good measure. "So I'm working on it Dr. Richards."

The doctor offers her a pleasant smile, before setting her notes on the desk and peeking at her watch. "Looks like that's it for today, but it seems like things are progressing very well." Meredith fights the urge to smile back, at this last phrase, instead letting it wrap around her, repeating in her head, as Dr. Richards shows her out the door and instructs her secretary to help Meredith schedule an appointment for the next week.

By the time she makes it to her car, a smile lights her face and she taps her thumbs on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the music as she makes her way home. The house is surprisingly quiet, when she arrives, and she finds Derek and Jacob in the nursery, both asleep in a rocking chair, Jacob's head resting on Derek's shoulder.

She leans in the doorway and Derek stirs awake. "You're back," he says softly, and she crosses the room, rests her hands on the arms of the chair and kisses his forehead.

"And I'm progressing," she tells him the latest news and his lips begin to curve up into a smile.

"And you're progressing," he repeats. "So what do we do now?"

She dips her head down further until her lips hover above his ear, and she kisses it one time for good measure before giggling and pressing her forehead into his shoulder. "Will you marry me?"

She doesn't have to be looking at him to know that he is grinning, fully, and that his eyes are sparkling, and she bites her lips as she waits for his response. "Yes," his voice is thick and laden with emotion and Meredith is glad that she is not looking into his eyes because she was never one of those girls who were into crying at the happy moments in life.

---

So, in any event, that's that. I don't know why it made so much sense in my head to have a depressing baby story, because all the ones before were happy... and I like a little bit of (well, actually a lot of) angst. So Meredith had her angst, and then there's going to be the fluffy interlude that I'm writing that I sort of love, and then is part two... where Derek gets his angst. Which should be up, I don't know when. Hopefully soon, but school has started and so has work so I'm extreme-o busy. :(