Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio

Official (reading proclamation): Jack Sparrow, let it be known that you have…

Jack (standing on gallows): Captain, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.

Official (continuing): …for your willful commission of crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature, the most egregious of these to be cited herewith: piracy, smuggling…

Elizabeth (standing with Governor and Norrington): This is wrong.

Governor Swann: Commodore Norrington is bound by the law, yeah? As are we all, yeah?

Official: …impersonating an Officer of the Spanish Royal Navy, impersonating a Cleric of the Church of England, impersonating Shirley Temple…

Jack (smiling): Ah yes. That was classic. (looks over at executioner, who glares at him)

Official: …playing heavy metal music so loud that it annoys people several hundred thousand miles away, sailing under false colors, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, brigandage, pilfering, depravity, depredation, playing rap music anywhere on or near our Mother Earth, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul.

Jack: Must you remind me of things I already know I've done?

Will (walks through raised ground where they stand): Governor Swann. Commodore. Elizabeth. I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you. (walks away as the noose is put around Jack's neck)

Elizabeth (notices Cotton's "parrots"): I can't breathe. (falls backward; the drums sound)

Squit (seeing Elizabeth fall): Oh my gosh! We have to save her! (starts to fly off)

Pesto (grabbing Squit's tail): She's fakin' it, you twit!

Bobby: I bet she fakes a lot of things. Heh. You know what I mean? Yeah, you do.

Governor Swann: Elizabeth! (he and Commodore help her)

Will: Move! (pushes through crowd as Jack falls through, throws sword, which then sticks in wood, giving Jack a foothold; he fights to the gallows and there cuts Jack free; the two of them fight all the way up to a tower they are cornered by Norrington's men)

Norrington (to Will): I thought we might have to endure some ill-conceived escape attempt…but not from you.

Governor Swann: On our return to Port Royal, I granted you clemency, yeah? And this is how you thank me, yeah? By throwing in your lot with him? He's a pirate, yeah?!

Will: And a good man.

Jack: You guys should consider yourselves lucky. You heard it here first!

Will: If all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. At least my conscience will be clear. (looks at guns) Say, those are real nice guns. Can I touch it? (touches soldiers' gun, is threatened more)

Norrington:You forget your place, Turner.

Will: For your information, I can remember my own address, Commodore!

Norrington: I mean your social status…idiot.

Will: Oh, well that's right between you and Jack, then.

Elizabeth (stands next to Will); As is mine.

Governor Swann: Lower your weapons, yeah?! For goodness' sake put them down, yeah?! (weapons are lowered)

Norrington: So this is where your heart truly lies, then?

Elizabeth: Sure. (points to her chest) Come on, I know my own anatomy, Norry.

Norrington (rolls eyes in annoyance): No. I mean you agree with Turner?

Elizabeth: Oh that. (looks at Will, then back at Norrington) Uh-huh.

Jack (noticing "parrots"): Well, I'm actually feeling rather good about this. (to Governor) I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically. (to Norrington) I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate. Know that. Elizabeth: it never would've worked between us, darling. I'm sorry. Will: nice hat. Friends! This is the day that you will always remember as the day that— (falls over battlement)

Gillette: Idiot. He has nowhere to go but back to the gallows. (The Black Pearl appears)

Sentry: Sail ho!

Gillette (to Norrington): What's your plan of action? Sir?

Governor Swann: Perhaps on the rare occasion pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy…piracy itself can be the right course, yeah?

Norrington: Mr. Turner.

Will (to Elizabeth): I will accept the consequences of my actions.

Norrington (unsheathes his sword): This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life.

Will: Thank you.

Norrington: And… (pulls Gameboy out of pocket) I believe this is yours.

Will (swiping Gameboy from Norrington): You found it! I LOVE YOU! (leaps into Norrington's arms, kisses him on the cheek) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Norrington (throws Will off him, wipes kisses off his cheeks, walks away): Oh…my…God…

Gillette: Commodore! What about Sparrow?

Norrington: Not now!

Will (to Gillette): By that he means "leave Jack alone."

Norrington: No… (regains footing) We can afford to give him one day's head start. (Reluctantly tries to imitate Jack) …Savvy? (exits; his men follow)

Governor Swann: So, this is the path you've chosen, is it? After all, he is a blacksmith.

Elizabeth: No. (takes off Will's hat) He's a pirate.

Will: No, I'm pretty sure I'm a blacksmith.

Elizabeth: You're funny.

Will: I'm being serious, though. I am a blacksmith.

Elizabeth: YOU'RE A PIRATE! GOT IT?!

Will: …Got it. (the Governor walks away; they are about to kiss, but then Will and Elizabeth look at each other, open their eyes, and stop; we hear the sound of a record player abruptly stopping)

Elizabeth: Wait a minute…(to film crew) you can't expect me to actually kiss him, do you?

Director: Well what did you think was going to happen when you signed up for this picture?

Elizabeth: I was expecting to kiss Mel Gibson, that's what!

Director: But Mel Gibson is not involved in this film in any way, shape, or form…

Elizabeth: Then I want out!

Director: But we need you and Wakko to kiss!

Will: Eeeww!

Elizabeth: That's DISGUSTING!

Director: We have no choice. Roll camera!

Will: NO! DON"T roll camera! I want a stand-in!

Director: No can do.

Will: (Censored) you, Gorey!

Elizabeth (on her knees, begging): PLEASE! Bring me Mel Gibson! I'll be good! All I want is Mel Gibson!

Will: I will not kiss my sister! No way, Jose!

Director: We're paying you, though. That's gotta count for something.

Will: I said (censored) you, Gorey!

Elizabeth: I WANT MEL GIBSON!

Director: Fine. Bring in the stand-ins. Dot, you can go to your trailer now.

Elizabeth (happy gasp): Will Mel Gibson be there?!

Director: I doubt it.

Elizabeth (cheering to herself): THAT'S NOT A NO! THAT'S NOT A NO! (cartwheels off set)

Director: Bring in the stand-ins.

(Elizabeth Hurley walks on set next to Will)

Will: HELLOOOOO NURSE!

Director: All right, Elizabeth: kiss him.

Elizabeth Hurley: What?

(Will jumps into her arms, gives her a huge kiss on the lips)

Will: I'm gonna do more than kiss you, if you know what I mean. (With that, Elizabeth Hurley runs screaming off the set, throwing Will down) Was it something I said?! COME BACK!

Director: Next. (Rachel Weisz steps up next to Will) All right, Rachel: kiss him.

Rachel Weisz: What?

(Will jumps into her arms, gives her a huge kiss on the lips)

Will: Aren't you that lady from The Constant Gardener? (Rachel runs screaming off the set, throwing Will down) It was just a question! Didn't you win an Oscar for that?

Director (sighs): Next. (Keira Knightley steps up next to Will)

Keira Knightley (to director): This role was supposed to go to me! And I should be kissing Orlando Bloom, not some amateur cartoon character!

Will: RACIST! She's racist! (studies Keira) But on the other hand… (jumps into Keira's arms) HELLOOOOO NURSE!

(Keira thows Will down, and kicks him in the shins)

Keira Knightley (to Will): And you're sexist!

Will (comforting himself between the legs): But I mean it in the best possible way.

(Keira runs screaming off the set)

Director: Next.

Jerry Bruckheimer: Uh, we're out of hot British actresses, Gore.

Director: Ah, (censored). Bring in the Americans, then.

(Katie Holmes steps up next to Will)

Director: All right, Katie. How well can you do a British accent?

Will: HELLLOOOOO NURSE!

Katie Holmes (looking back and forth between Will and Director): Uh…

Director: Just say something with a British accent.

Katie Holmes (in British accent): This is my British accent.

Jerry Bruckheimer: What the (censored) was that?!

Director: Get off my set!

Will: You SUCK! (jumps into Katie's arms) But I don't care. (gives her a big kiss on the lips)

(Katie runs off set, crying)

Director: Next. (Christina Ricci steps up next to Will)

Will: HELLLOOOOO NURSE!

Director: Christina, can you do a—

Christina Ricci: Yes, I can, because unlike Katie, I actually have talent.

Director: Great. Great. Now, kiss him.

(Christina looks at Will, then back at Director)

Christina: That's something I can't do.

Will (on knees, crying, clinging to her leg): WHY?! WHY must you be so cruel?! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Enough with the racism already!

Christina Ricci (with genuine sympathy): Oh, you poor thing…I'm out. (walks off set)

Director: Next. (Pause) Next!

Jerry Bruckheimer: There is no next. That's everyone!

Director: We only had five?!

Jerry Bruckheimer: We only had five.

Director: Bring Dot back. (Dot is brought back)

Elizabeth: Mel Gibson wasn't in my trailer! WHY WASN'T MEL GIBSON IN MY TRAILER?!

Jerry Bruckheimer (whispering into Director's ear): Whatever you do, don't answer that question.

Director (to Jerry Bruckheimer): Right. (to Will and Elizabeth) I'm afraid you two have no choice but to kiss. (Will and Elizabeth vomit simultaneously on set) Oh, come on! We can't complete this film if you two don't—

(Reluctantly, Will and Elizabeth bring their faces closer and closer together, before giving each other small pecks on the cheek)

Director: There, see? That wasn't so bad, was it?

(Will and Elizabeth then vomit simultaneously on Director)

Will: Yes it was.

Elizabeth (crying): The agony! The ecstasy!

Director (sighs, wiping vomit off himself): Let's call it a day, then.

(cut to the Black Pearl)

Jack (heaved aboard the Pearl; to Gibbs): I thought you were supposed to keep to the Code.

Gibbs: We figured they were more actual guidelines.

Jack (as Cotton hands him his hat): Thank you.

Anamaria: Captain Sparrow. (whacks him with her brick-filled purse)

Jack: OW! Darling, what was that for?!

Anamaria: For old times' sake. Here, let's shake hands. (supposedly they shake hands, but then Jack realizes Anamaria handed him a stick of dynamite; it explodes in his hand) Heh heh heh. Now that's—

Gibbs: Comedy. We know, lass, we know.

Anamaria: No. (turns to audience) Now that's an ending. (puts Jack's coat around his shoulders) The Black Pearl is yours.

Jack (walks over to helm, looks around fondly): On deck, you scabrous dogs! Man the braces! Let down and haul to run free. Now…bring me that horizon. (hums, looking at compass) It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day… and really bad eggs. Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!

THE END

(after credits, Jack the monkey emerges from water and scampers over to chest with Aztec gold; takes one of the medallions and is cursed once more; moonlight shows his skeleton; screeching, he jumps at camera; collides with camera head-on, faints dizzily)