Shego Gets a Job

Chapter Five: D&S vs. OC

By Galaxy1001D

Shego and other Disney characters are © Disney Co. Additional Dialog by Mike Myers © New Line Cinema. Oscar Carlson suggested by whitem.

"…And then, when I was twelve, I had to wear glasses, and my classmates used to tease me mercilessly…" The mad doctor droned on incessantly. Over the past two weeks, Shego had learned more than she wanted to about Drakken's traumatic past. The heist of the nuclear warhead had gone off without a hitch. Drakken was actually a pretty good boss, all things considered. He didn't execute subordinates who displeased him; he fired them (and often rehired them again when the budget permitted). He even had morale boosting special events, like an annual evil family picnic. He didn't see Shego as a sex object or eye candy, but respected her as a partner, or at least a sidekick. The problem was the Drakken's twisted childhood had not only left him an evil megalomaniac, it had also left him a childish and insecure man who required constant reassurance and praise.

Shego recalled a mocking line she had jabbed at villains during her days as a superhero in Go City. "Were you ever bullied in school? I mean the gloating, the conquest, the evil…there must be some reason." Sure enough, she nearly always touched a nerve with that question, for most villains had a reason to hate mankind more than greed.

With Drakken there was no doubt. Unlike most other villains, he was perfectly willing to talk about the unpleasant aspects of his past. Sometimes he would obsess on them.

She tried to be patient and pretend to listen. It can be hard to keep all that bottled up, after all. He had to find someone to trust before he opened himself up like that after all and (at first) Shego was flattered that he felt comfortable sharing his past with her. It wouldn't make sense share your psychological weaknesses with the heroes trying to stop you or with a competitor after all. And best of all, he seemed to respect her privacy and didn't pry into her past, either.

Unfortunately, Shego's patience was wearing thin. He just went on and on… If the cops ever caught up with him, Shego hoped that he would share a cell with some annoying blabbermouth just so he would know how it felt like.

So she started interrupting him. Mocking him. Gently at first, but soon she was forced to get nasty. And he took it all in stride. Oh, he would whine, glower, and complain, but not once would he really threaten her. Compared to Gemini, he was a prince!

At the moment the lithe green woman was sitting in a chair flipping through a magazine. She discovered that reading something while Drakken was ranting provided a filter that made hearing his prattling bearable. "Called you four-eyes, huh?" said Shego, turning a page of her fashion magazine. With her complexion it was hard to find anything other than green and black that could be considered "her colors" and often she was forced to try Goth fashions.

"Yes, those little jackanapes!" Drakken growled. Shego silently mouthed the words that Drakken said next. "One day I'll make them pay! Every last one of them!" Drakken suddenly stopped whining to become calm and professional. "Hand me that secondary mother board, will you?"

Shego set down her magazine to walk over to the worktable where the blue bad guy was modifying the detonator of the nuclear bomb they had stole. "Uhh, no offense, Doc," she said as she handed him the mother board, "but isn't this is a bit menial for a partner? Shouldn't one of the henchmen be assisting you?"

"Don't be silly, Shego," Drakken retorted. "I wouldn't trust those lackwits with something this delicate. You on the other hand, have the hands of a surgeon. You even come with built-in scalpels…"

Shego smiled at Drakken's involuntary, backhanded compliment. Drakken never praised anyone but himself on purpose, but he often expressed admiration for his green sidekick on accident. Shego knew that he wasn't trying to flatter her; he actually meant it. Perhaps Drakken wasn't as clueless as he appeared.

The problem, she decided, was that Drakken wasn't merely a scientist; he was also an artist. Granted his art was doomsday weapons and schemes to take over the world. Artists could be unusually sensitive, unstable, temperamental, and narcissistic. Drakken was no exception. Still, she had to admit that they did seem to compliment each other. She could never come up with the crazy ideas that he came up with, but she could ground them in reality so that they could actually work.

"Hey, boss?" A gruff voice interrupted their conversation. Shego and Drakken turned to see the two henchmen who had just entered the room with a prisoner in tow. "We caught an intruder. What should we do with him?" Between the red suited henchmen was a bespectacled man wearing a tuxedo.

"What's the matter?" Shego smirked. "Get lost on the way to a wedding? Or in your, case a funeral?"

"'Allo-'allo-'allo," said the man with a cheerful British accent. He didn't talk like a BBC newscaster, but more like one of the Beatles. Perhaps he was from Liverpool? "Who's this little minx, hey?" He winked at Shego and waggled his eyebrows seductively. Shego crossed her arms and made a noise that was somewhere between a grunt and a sigh.

"Well, well, well," gloated Drakken. "Oscar Carlson, my archfoe! Let me introduce you to my new sidekick. Shego, this is Special Agent Oscar Carlson of Global Justice. Agent Carlson, meet Shego, my kung-fu sidekick."

"Hi." Shego shrugged with disinterest. Carlson didn't look like much to her.

"Shego," said Carlson stepping forward to kiss her gloved hand. "I don't think I've had…the pleasure…of your acquaintance.

Shego took her hand away seconds before his lips touched her glove, grunting in irritation. Ever since she grew up into womanhood as a member of Team Go villains had been hitting on her. Some didn't take no for an answer. By now Shego's standard reaction to being flirted with was often senseless violence. She couldn't believe that heroes could be pigs too! Hego never acted like this.

"What's with your teeth?" she asked him.

"Beg pardon?" said the British agent adjusting his glasses.

"Your teeth, they're nasty," smirked the villainous vixen.

"Oh, that," said Carlson. "Oh, I'm English."

"What's with the Brits and the bad chompers?" said Shego. "They don't have dentists in jolly ol' England?"

"Oh, well," replied the irritatingly unflappable agent. "Back home we have an uncontrollable addiction to sweets."

"Say what?" said Shego, suspecting that he was talking about women.

"Confections," he clarified. "Candy."

"Oh."

"Chocolate bars, gobstoppers, lemon drops, humbugs, jelly babies…"

"I think I get the picture."

"…licorice strips, milk duds, vanilla wafers, candy canes, sugar plums…"

"So you guys really like your candy, huh?"

"…pixie sticks, m & m's, fruit rollups, fig newtons, peppermint twists…"

"You love your candy. Got it."

"…lollypops, tootsie rolls, gum drops, juju beans, gingerbread squares…"

"I GOT IT!" Shego screamed at him. "Will you SHUT your PIE-HOLE! You love candy! I got it! I understand! It computes! Shut up already!"

"Sorry, love," Carlson grinned disarmingly. "Just listing all the things that are as sweet as you." Shego rolled her eyes, growled, ignited a green glow on her clenched fists.

"Hello?" said Drakken, trying to get their attention. "Doctor Drakken here. Evil mastermind. Remember me?" When they turned to listen to him his voice deepened and his face cracked with a threatening smile. "Ah, Oscar Carlson, we must prepare a suitable welcome for you." Shego got goosebumps. That tone of voice was scary. Finally, Drakken was getting into character. Shego could learn how to be evil at the feet of a master! "Oh Drat," muttered Drakken as the doorbell rang. "Lutz, get the door…no wait! Shego, you go see who it is!"

"Got it, Doc," said Shego. "Don't start without me, okay?" She trotted down the hall and opened the front door.

Outside were two cute little children who couldn't have been older than ten or eleven. The girl was a redhead with braces who wore a pressed Pixie-scout uniform. The boy had messy blonde hair and wore jeans and a long-sleeved Disneyland tee shirt. "Good afternoon, ma'am," smiled the little girl. "Would you like to buy some delicious Pixie-scout muffins?"

Shego couldn't believe she was missing Drakken's confrontation with his archfoe for this. "Scram you little brats!" She growled. "Go play in traffic!" She slammed the door.

The Pixie-scout's bottom lip trembled at tears welled up in her eyes. When her friend saw that, he became incensed. "How dare she slam the door in your face, Kay-pee!" he cried. "Someday, lady, you will pay!" The boy shook his fist at the door. "You will rue the day you slammed the door in Kim's face! You will curse the day you met Kim Possible!"

"Amp down the drama, Ron," said the girl, recovering her composure. "We'll just see if the people next door want any."

"Okay, Kay-pee." As she left the porch he followed her.

When Shego returned to the control room she did a double take. A rectangular dining table dominated the room with places set for three. Drakken and Carlson were seated at opposite ends of the table exchanging banter over glasses of red wine and T-bone steaks. "Wha-whu-huh?" she started stupidly.

"Ah, Shego," purred Doctor Drakken. "Care to join us? We saved a place for you."

"S-sure Doc," stuttered Shego. "Whatever you say…" She sat down in the chair in between them and looked down at her covered plate. She lifted the metal lid and looked at steak, potatoes and gravy, mixed vegetables and a dinner roll.

"So Doctor Drakken," said Oscar Carlson, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "How did you escape from prison anyway?"

"Ahh, glad you asked, Carlson," grinned Drakken. I was a prison trustee and repaired the television sets. I created a remote control that opened the cell doors."

"That'll teach those dumb sods not to let a mad scientist near the electronic doodads," joked Carlson.

"You got that right!" Drakken and Carlson shared a laugh. Shego stared at them like they were both insane.

"So how did you get that stylish scar, anyway, Doctor?" purred Oscar Carlson. "I didn't give you that when I destroyed your last liar, did I?"

"Oh, this?" Drakken touched his wounded cheek self-consciously. He looked at Shego and faltered for the right wounds. "Oh, I…got…this…er…uh…at fencing practice. Yes, at fencing practice, that's right."

"Well, I'd hate to be the poor blighter who gave it to you," said Carlson in a light, conversational tone. "Not to change the subject, but what's your evil scheme this time? Still playing the world conquest angle?"

"Indeed, Oscar," gloated Drakken, "but this time I thought I'd start with something less ambitious. Blackmail! I've got GJ's nuclear bomb and one of their best agents and if they want them back they'll have to pay…a billion dollars!"

"Do you really expect them to pay?" Carlson took a sip of his wine.

"If they don't, I shall detonate the bomb in a major metropolitan area," sneered Drakken. "The fallout will kill millions! Ha ha ha!"

"Oh, excuse me, love," said Carlson, addressing Shego. "Where are my manners? Don't mean to leave out of the conversation, baby. So, how does a beautiful chick like you get to work for a mad scientist anyway? Drakken, how did you manage to cage a bird like this?"

"Call me 'baby' again and you won't be able to have any," Shego muttered darkly.

"You're not the only ladies man in the room." Drakken's eyebrow waggled up and down.

"Oh please," muttered Shego.

"Psst! Shego," Drakken whispered to her. "Could you pretend to be my girlfriend?"

"I don't see Dementor around here, do you?" she smiled softly.

"C'mon Shego," he quietly pleaded. "Could you at least drop a hint that I have lots of girlfriends, or something?"

Shego took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Fine," she muttered. "Oh, Agent Carlson," she chirped with exaggerated cheerfulness. "Did you know that Drakken has lots of girlfriends?"

"No, love, I didn't," he smiled.

"Shego…" Drakken whined.

"Oh, yeah," lied Shego. "He's really quite the player. He barely has time for his evil schemes what with hitting the nightclubs and all."

"Shego quit it!" Drakken hissed.

"I get so jealous sometimes, that I just don't know what to do," she grinned with false innocence. "But hey, no one can satisfy a woman like Doctor Drakken can!"

"I'm warning you, Shego," the scarred scientist growled.

"I just love this man!" crowed the raven-haired woman. "He's just so blue and evil! His eyes are so…bloodshot, and his laugh sends chills up my spine!"

"Can't you be more subtle?" he hissed at her.

"Ooh, sorry, boss," she teased. "Did I lay it on too thick?"

"You could have covered two slices of bread and made a sandwich with it," he grumbled.

"So, baby," smiled Oscar Carlson. "Could I interest you in changing sides? I've got two tickets for a Mediterranean cruise if you help me escape."

"Drop dead," she retorted. "If you can't do it alone I'll be glad to help."

"Shego, I'm proud of you!" Drakken exclaimed joyfully. "You've managed to resist Oscar Carlson's charm!"

"What charm?" She crossed her arms. "What makes this guy all that?"

"I am all that, baby," said the Global Justice agent smugly.

"Oh, please," mocked Shego. "Your about as charming as an embarrassing rash."

"And we all know how we get embarrassing rashes, now don't we?" he smiled.

"Ahem," Drakken cleared his throat in irritation. "Excuse me. Could we focus our attention on the criminal mastermind?"

"Oh, pardon me, Drakken," said Carlson. "Do go on."

"Yes! Where was I?" Drakken struggled to reorder his ranting. "I shall detonate the nuclear warhead in a major metropolitan area," sneered Drakken. "The fallout will kill millions! And you'll never guess where I've hid it! Ha-ha-ha!"

"Let's see," mused the British agent. "Statue of Liberty in New York City?"

"No," Drakken shook his head. "Guess again."

"Westminster Abbey in London?"

"Nope!" smiled Drakken. "Guess again!"

"The Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC?"

"No! No! No!" Drakken was jumping up and down in his chair like a child excited over his birthday presents. "You have no clue, do you? You don't know that I've hidden the nuke in—"

Shego jumped out of her chair and put her hand over his mouth. "Doctor Drakken?" She eyed Carlson with alarm. "Can we have a brief huddle?"

"What is it, Shego?" grumbled the blue villain. "Can't you see I'm gloating over my archfoe here?"

"Uh, yeah…about that…" She seemed somewhat embarrassed. "Can I speak to you privately?"

"Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of my archfoe," Drakken announced. Shego put her hands over her face.

"Okay, Doc," she said through clenched teeth. "What's with all the food? Why are you feeding him? Don't you guys like…I don't know…hate each other's guts or something."

"Forgive her, she's new," said Drakken to the English agent.

"Quite all right old man," Oscar nodded graciously.

Drakken addressed Shego. "It's an ancient villain tradition that goes back to the age of chivalry," he stated. "The bad guy attempts to get the good guy to join him by using a combination of fine dining and threats. Its kind of a carrot and stick approach."

"Okay," said Shego crossing her arms. "So why are you telling him your plan?"

Drakken seemed taken aback by this question. "But-but he's been captured!" He stammered. "He's helpless! What better way to demoralize him than to show him how clever I've been?"

"So you're breaking his spirit by…feeding him steak?" said Shego.

"By the way, my steak's a little dry," said Carlson. "Don't mean to complain, but the prime rib you served me last time was better."

"LAST TIME?" Shego exclaimed. "You've fed him before?"

"Of course, Shego," Drakken shrugged, a bit alarmed by his assistant's behavior. "I've captured him before, you know."

"You have?" She cried. "How many times before?"

"I don't know," he put his hand on his chin in thought. "What does this make it, Carlson?"

"Six," offered Oscar Carlson.

"Oh yes," said Drakken. "Six times I guess…"

"You've captured this guy six times and you still haven't killed him?" She uttered incredulously. "And you've fed him every time?" He mutely nodded. "No offense Doc, but if he didn't join you the first time, aren't you wasting food on him this time?"

"Well, it's not just the whole seduction speech you know," said Drakken patiently. "Its also a sign of superiority to lord it over your foe. Being able to treat your enemies to dinner indicates invulnerability. Besides, who else can appreciate the intricacies of my plan?"

"Have you told him the plan every time?" she asked him.

"Yes," grumbled Drakken, "and he always manages to defeat me. I can't understand it…"

"No wonder you haven't taken over the world yet!" Shego eyes widened in realization. It was obvious that Drakken had nothing to teach her about villainy. She would have to teach him. "Every time you capture him, you feed him steak, and tell him your plan. No wonder he always defeats you! You're an idiot!"

"Shego," said Drakken coolly. "When this is over, remind me to have a conversation with you about hurting with our words…"

"Besides, that's what you have me for!" Shego jabbed her chest for emphasis. "I'm the loyal sidekick. Instead of trying to stop your plan, I'm the one who's busting her chops trying to make sure it succeeds! Tell me your great plan!" She paused to take a breath and calm down. "Okay, since you know he won't join you, shouldn't you skip this part?" She asked him. "Go right to the execution part. Just take him into the back room and shoot him. Bang! Bang!" Her hand mimed firing a pistol.

"Uh," grunted Drakken.

"Or if you can't stand the sight of blood, bury him alive," she continued. "If shooting is too good for him, give him an overly elaborate and exotic death, leave the room and assign only one incompetent guard to make sure its carried out, but don't tell him the plan!" She moaned. "Look at him! His tux isn't even messed up! He surrendered to your henchmen without a fight! He let himself be captured so he could learn your plan and defeat you! For crying out loud, you almost told him where the warhead is!"

"You're right!" said Drakken. "So that's how he does it! I thought there was a trick but I could never figure it out!" Drakken pushed a button on the table. "Lutz, get the minions in here to finish off Oscar Carlson!"

The doors to the room opened and in came Drakken's henchmen carrying staves whose ends crackled with electricity. "S'cuse me love," said Carlson leaping to his feet. "Time to go into action." Before Shego's astonished eyes Oscar Carlson was managing to dodge their blows while making his count. He uttered battle cries like "Judo chop!" or "Judo kick!" as he struck the guards (which was odd because he was using karate). Soon there was just Lutz, the short tubby lackey who Drakken had nearly fired, left to face the Global Justice agent.

"Do you know how many nameless toadies I've killed in my time?" He asked him. "Look at you, you don't even have a name tag! You better just lie down on the floor right now." Lutz set down his baton and lay down on his belly, spreading his arms and legs on the ground. Carlson looked over at Shego. "So you see, baby, I really am all that," he said proudly.

Shego let out an animal growl and ignited her fists. "Gordon Bennet," muttered Carlson as she launched herself at him. He rolled into the control counsel as she tackled him pressing buttons and flipping switches involuntarily. A scene from Space Passage appeared on one of the monitors. Commander Crane of the Revenge was in hand-to-hand combat with a Corpulon warrior. Horns blared as Crane's shirt was ripped by his adversary, exposing his shaved, muscular chest.

As the sixties fight music filled the room, Carlson kicked Shego off of him. She clawed at him, ripping one of the sleeves off his jacket. "Yaah!" she grunted. Oscar picked up a chair to fend her off like a lion tamer. Shego's glowing green hands clawed the chair apart, trying to get at him. The horns that accompanied their fight became louder during each blow before dropping back to their original volume as they struggled. Finally, both Carlson and Shego appeared to be hugging each other as they wrestled for dominance. Shego's eyes grew wide in indignation when she felt a hand on her left buttock. "High!" With an angry cry, she head butted the churlish Global Justice Agent, stunning him and knocking his glasses off his face.

"Ha!" cried Drakken in triumph. He switched off the sci-fi TV show and strode over to gloat over the defeated agent's senseless form. "Oscar Carlson, you may think you're all that, but you're not! Excellent work, Shego. Tie him up and take him to the studio to send our ultimatum! I want Global Justice to see that he's failed!"

"Why should I?" she groused. "Why don't I just quit? The only people stupider than you is the morons who work for you! I'm sick of tripping over a bunch of red suited lackwits, I'm sick of listening to the whining of a self-absorbed narcissist, and most of all, I'm sick of taking orders from a broad shouldered, blue idiot!" Suddenly Shego gasped in shock. Those were the same words that she uttered to Hego when she left Go Tower. Could it be? Maybe crime didn't pay!

"Well," said Drakken, putting his hands behind his back. "Ten percent of a billion dollars is a hundred million dollars." He smiled at her hopefully.

That was right! Superheroes are expected to risk their lives for no reward at all, but supervillains are in it for the profit. If she was trapped in purgatory, it was better to be one of her own making than one that some comet had forced upon her. And being a villain meant that you could take your frustrations out on others without your big brother lecturing you about using your powers responsibly.

"Oh yeah," she mumbled. "Right. Ten percent of the gross…medical, dental, and a week's vacation. That's right. Gotcha. Don't worry. I'll get him ready for his close-up Doctor Dee."

Epilogue

As of this writing, Shego is still Doctor Drakken's sidekick, although she has been known to work with other evildoers on occasion. Before encountering Kim Possible, she was only arrested three times, with no convictions (two escapes from jail, one tossed out of court due to lack of evidence and witnesses). She still has a few million in her Swiss bank account and has an excellent credit rating. At the time she first encountered the world famous teen hero Kim Possible, she was wanted in at least eleven countries.

Hego attempted to continue to lead Team Go, but Shego was the only one who knew how to fly the Go Jet. Eventually the team broke up, but they still have been known to occasionally don their masks as individual superheroes. Hego is the manager of the first Mucho Grande Bueno Nacho.

Gemini survived falling into the shark tank, but now has an artificial hand in addition to wearing an eye patch. He is still obsessed with destroying Global Justice, and didn't rest until Doctor Director, the head of Global Justice, needed an eye patch as well.

Professor Dementor survived being scalped by Shego. In all subsequent sightings of the supervillain he wears a metal facemask. It is unknown whether he has restored his scalp or not. To this day he does not have any sidekicks, partners, or consorts on record.

No one who answered Duff Killigan's ad for a villainous sidekick remained for more than a week. At first Killigan's plots were focused on revenge against the countries that banned him from the golf course and ended his career. In later years, he discovered that revenge, the upkeep of a Scottish Castle, and exploding golf balls are expensive and based his misdeeds on more lucrative crimes such as theft and mercenary work. Doctor Drakken was able to blackmail the world into giving him the funds necessary to build many new lairs, including his main headquarters in the Caribbean. Until he clashed with teen hero Kim Possible, he was a successful inventor and terrorist. Lutz is the only one of Drakken's henchmen never to have been arrested. He is usually fired before the mad doctor's plans come to fruition and is typically rehired when Drakken's other lackeys are still in prison. He is noteworthy as being one of the few people to ever try "Lather, Rinse, Obey: Doctor Drakken's Brainwashing Shampoo and Cranial Rinse."

Andrea Lindsey decided that the life of a villain was too dangerous and got into show business instead. Her cosmetic surgery made her look so young she looked like a teenager and was known as "Andrena Lynn, the extreme teen." She was known as a daredevil on her stunt show until it was revealed that she was faking the stunts. As of this writing, she is serving a prison sentence for kidnapping, attempted murder and aggravated assault.

Oscar Carlson's success rate against Drakken went down dramatically after Shego arrived. Eventually Special Agent Carlson received medical leave after pinching Shego's bottom one too many times. When he recovered sufficiently to be returned to duty he took a desk job.

Pixie-scout Kim Possible eventually became a cheerleader and world famous hero. After the destruction of the World Trade Center, she became interested in saving the world from evildoers like Doctor Evil, Professor Dementor and Osama bin Laden. She created a website for people to ask her for help and became known as the girl who could do anything. When she became Drakken's new archfoe, the evil scientist discovered that the only thing that could defeat a beautiful kung fu vixen is another beautiful kung fu vixen.

Kim's friend Ron Stoppable usually helps in a supporting/sidekick role. Ron eventually became her boyfriend, and a hero to a secret school of ninjas.

END