What if she had chosen differently?

Nothing against the books, I loved the story as it was through the whole thing. But I can't stand how Claidi chose to go with Nemian instead of Argul in the first book! The rest could have happened just fine, even if you just changed her answer. I know I'd have more respect for Claidi if she made a different decision. So, I wrote my own alternate part last year to make myself happy. It's longer in my head, but this is the gist of it in these two chapters.

He wouldn't say. He stared down his nose at me, his eyes burning and the moon pale in the trees behind his head.

What he did say was this: "Why don't you stay with us? You're a pleasure to watch with Sirree a natural rider. And you look your best in Hulta clothes. We live well. We look after our own, and other's with us-not to be hungry, thirsty, or in danger. We travel. We go everywhere there is. Did you know there are enormous seas, Claidi? You do? Miles of just water and sky. And animals so odd you'd scream.

Join our family, Claidi. Stay."

Thud, Thud, my heart in my throat.

Couldn't speak.

I thought of Nemian and the House. Of the ones I had trusted and shouldn't have trusted.

"I-" I said.

The moon turned blue then winked away like a closing eye. Distracted, I stared at it, and then a wash of icy cold sank over me, and over the world.

Something like wet silver spat into my face.

Argul stood up. He pulled me up, too.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Snow. Damned weather."

"What's-"

"Tell you later. Now, we run!"

The park was full of flying figures….

In the Rest, windows blazed. Everything was in turmoil.

"Claidi, I'll meet you here tomorrow," Argul told me, letting go of my hand.

"Okay," I answered, before he disappeared into the running throngs of people.

My hand went cold now that he wasn't holding it. I thought about that, smiling. I went inside the Hulta women's room. It was empty. Apparently they all got shelter somewhere else.

I located a pile of blankets amongst the discarded clothing and wrapped one around my shoulders. I would have started a fire to warm the chilling room, but I didn't know how to make a fire with stones like Dagger did. Perhaps I can ask her to teach me sometime. At that thought, my heart fell back to my feet.

That is, I could ask, If I was going to see Dagger again.

I sighed and sat on a chair by the window, looking out. That snow stuff was still coming down, and collecting on the window sill.

I had seen so many wondrous things, sometimes frightening things, since Nemian had rescued me and brought me with him. To take me to his City to live as a princess, not a slave. I owe him so much, and he did kiss me and….

Wait a second. He rescued me? If I recall, I'm the one who drugged the guards, unlocked his cage, and led him out. Quite a perfect operation, on my part.

And what had he done? Took us to the sheepers, got us sold as sacrifices, went traversing with other females, except when she was getting angry with him. Technically I was just a substitute at the time, and…ugh, Why should I stay with him?

Well, I suppose he couldn't have unlocked his own cage, and would have been killed if I hadn't. Plus, if I hadn't have left, I would have been whipped to shreds.

I shudder here.

I suppose Nemian, in a sense, did rescue me by coming. Wasn't he looking for a princess? And now he had me.

But just there, I am not a princess. I'm a born and worked slave. I don't want him to think me like the Lady Iris, pampered and a spoiled gem. I want recondition for my work, my self-respect. Nemian just doesn't want to listen when I try to tell him.

But when he kissed me, I felt something. I know I did. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't feel the same, right?

Yet, I recall I did feel something for Argul too, when we were dancing. And he wants me to stay with him and his band as well.

So, I guess the question is, who do I feel for the most?

At this moment, I saw Nemian walking up down the road, and up to the door. I heard his knock. When he didn't come in, I opened the door for him.

He'd bought or found new clothes- black and gold. He looked strikingly handsome in a painful way. He was very pale.

"Claidi, can I come in? Or will you come out for a minute?"

"There's no one else here," I said, unwisely, as I realized later.

I let him walk into the room. He glanced around. Bandit-no, Hulta- women's stuff was everywhere. Nemian looked back at me.

"Did you have a nice evening?" I asked icily.

"Not really," he replied, "I was out looking for you."

I actually had to gape at this. "I wasn't far off," I said sarcastically.

He sighed. "Perhaps not."

He paused. He said, "I wasn't playing around in the city with that other woman, Claidi. I was trying to find ballooners. Peshamba used to have balloons for travel. Not anymore."

I nodded. I tried to look polite and vague, but a chilly fierceness toward Nemian seemed to have been growing in my head since the moment he'd stepped into the room.

"Claidi, I know what you think of me."

"Do you?" I scoffed, looking for something to occupy myself with, other then his face. I took the blanket from my shoulders and began folding it.

"Yes. You think I'm a skunk," he said, miserably.

I looked up, curious. "What's a skunk?"

He actually lost his temper a bit at this. "Claidi, don't start with that!"

I went back to my folding. (I felt kind of annoyed. I didn't even know what a skunk was!)

Nemian took a step towards me. "Claidi, that girl-"

I threw the blanket onto the chair, making a slap sound, interrupting.

"Mmm? Which girl?" I asked, my voice strained.

"You know which girl, the hulta one! I'm sorry, it just…happened." He looked so frazzled, I had to give myself points.

"Well, lovely," I smiled, as if congratulating them as a couple.

Then, he really astonished me.

He dropped down on one knee, and took both my hands.

"Claidi, don't play with me. (I don't remember playing.) I know I deserve it! (Oh yeah you do!) But all this had been strange for me! (Well, that makes two of us!) I've been confused. I didn't think it through! And now…"

"…Claidi, tell me I haven't lost you! I Love you!" He cried.

I blinked at him, surprised at his proposal, and the empty feeling rushing through me. Weren't you supposed to hear trumpets and a choir in your head and heart when this thing happened?

"Lost me?" I asked, casually, I hope. "What do you mean?" Had he ever found me?

"Claidi, my grandfather is old, might die. I'm a prince, I have responsibilities. I have to go back, it's my job, and life. But, Claidi, it's worthless without you in it. I need you! Stay with me, Claidi. Come with me!"

His hands were wringing mine, so I shook them loose.

"Nemian, I…" My thoughts were flying all over the place.

Argul had invited, but Nemian was proposing marriage! Who did he think he was? There might be something between them, but there wasn't love, and so surely no…

Then, it all became clear to me. Even as I asked myself, Argul or Nemian, my angry, impassioned voice in my head screamed, ARGUL!

It was such a revelation. Even while questioning myself, I had answered instantly, without doubt.

I put my hands on my hips and laughed!

Nemian, still bent on one knee, blinked and frowned at me. "Claidi, this is hardly the time to laugh! Please, Claidi, answer me. Stay with me, I love…"

I rounded on him, my eyes shimmering in passion. He pulled back. Had I ever been this forward with him before? I wondered. No, and it was revealingly releasing!

"You don't love me, Nemian!" I cried, "You came for a princess, and left with a fake. Nemian, how can you love me when you don't even know who I am? Do you know I was a slave at the House? That I left with you because I was going to be whipped with nails if I didn't? Do you know when my birthday is? What my favorite color is?"

I paused, sucking in a breath. I grabbed you, my journal from the chair where I had left you and held you out for him to see.

"Do you know that this journal has been my only friend, and that it had been an even better friend then you?"

He was gaping at me. As if he was seeing another person. Maybe he was friend.

"Claidi, how can you compare me to a diary? Claidi…"

I slapped you, diary, into my warm embrace, chilling his words with a look.

"It does not talk, it listens. It does not kiss me, then run off for weeks with another woman. Nemian," I started, with such relief in my voice at how easy it was to hear myself. Had I been so blind up until now?

"How can I trust you to be faithful in marriage if you love me now, but tramp off? When you bore of me as your wife, are you going to go whoring? Then come back when you're interested again?"

I shook my head in disgust at his open mouth. He looked like a man who had lost his control of a situation he had thought was perfectly planned.

"Claidi, be reasonable…" He started.

"I AM!" I snapped, "I'm being reasonable enough to listen to you and to myself and to see where things are. And now, Nemian, I'm going to give you your answer, the final tie to our little adventure."

He had gone pale, and deadly still. He waited on my answer like a death sentence. I admit, at this I paused, watching the heart stopping agony and panic, desperation, on his face. Sympathy for what my answer was going to do to him leaked through my stinging heart, but none crept into my head this time.

"It's no, Nemian. The Hulta are going to be my family now." My voice was clipped, hard, and final.

Nemian slowly got to his feet. He stood straight his body stiff. I took an involuntary step backward from the look on his face. Had I imagined the pain of love there earlier?

His face was red with anger, and deadly calm. He advanced a step towards me, and I against my will stepped back. His eye's glittered with anger and desperate fear. Like a man drowning, and looking for options to save his life.

"No one dismisses me that easy, Claidi."

I found myself speaking back. "No, Mr. Spoiled-Prince? Allow me to be the first! I am traveling no further with you!"

"Oh, yes you are!!!" he yelled, his face beet red, and straining at the seams. He no longer looked beautiful but threatening.

"I've come too far to lose now. I can't go back without you, Claidi. They'll kill me if I come back without you!" He began stepping towards me, while I angled towards the window. Despite the fear rushing through me, I tired my best not to show it.

"Are you threatening me, Nemian? If so, I'll not go without force!" I countered bravely.

He raised an eyebrow over one gleaming eye. "Is that your final answer, Claidi?"

I was backed up to the chair, friend, and my heart was hammering in my chest as I answered. "Yes."

He lunged for me, his hands outstretched for my shoulders. I've always wondered what it would be like to be kidnapped and assaulted, and how I would react. I suppose I surprised myself with the way I did act.

As he seemed to pause in midair, his fingers stretching for me, my fingers curled over the chair in an almost natural ease. As he lunged, I brought it swinging through the air.

It's legs hit Nemian across the face. The wood broke with a snap. His head whipped around, and a small "Umph!" escaped his mouth like a whisper.

Even the hit couldn't stop the mometum of his lunge, but it did knock him off his feet. He fell against me, his elbows in my ribs. I fell to the floor under his weight. My back grated down the wall on the way, before resting on the pile of blankets I had folded.

Nemian lay sprawled across my legs. I flinched, thinking any second he would leap up and overpower me.

But he lay still, not breathing. I pushed myself onto my elbows and slid my legs out from under him. I pulled myself several feet away from his body, staring at his form, speechless.

Looking back, I suppose I was in shock.

I had killed him surely. He wasn't moving.

I don't know how long I waited there, in grief, guilt, and denial, before I heard footsteps on the stairs.

The door swung open and dagger strode into the room. "Claidi!" she greeted cheerfully, "I've been looking for you! The other women are in other…uh, rooms, and the weathers getting horrible, and…"

Her smile froze on her when she saw the look on my face. I was staring at Nemian's body, my face white, my arms shaking as I wrapped when around my knee's.

"I…I killed him…" I said, so softly in a whisper.

Dagger's mouth opened wide. "What do you mean you…"

Then, her eyes alighted on Nemian and she closed her mouth. She stepped over to him, and bent, pressing two fingers on his neck.

"What…What are you doing?" I asked shakily. I was disturbed she would touch a corpse.

"Checking for his pulse," she replied, intent on his face, "And he has one."

My brows furrowed. "What's a pulse?"

She shot me a calm look. "A pulse is a beat of blood, of life."

I goggled at her stupidly for a moment, before having my hopes brighten dismally. "You mean…He's alive?"

She nodded, walking over to me. I wilted in my skin, relief pouring through me.

Then, the tears started to flow as I broke down. Oh, friend, I'm an idiot.

Dagger seemed to understand, as she put an arm around me gently. "Tell me what happened, Claidi-baa," she asked, wiping a cloth over my face. I took the cloth from her and blew some tears, and other things, into the fabric.

"He came, and I let him in. He begged for me to stay with him, that he was sorry I thought him a jerk."

"He is one," Dagger pointed out, agreeing. Normally, I would have smiled.

"I realized I didn't want to. I want to stay with the Hulta. He got angry and tried to force me to go with him. I hit him in the head with the chair and…oh, Dagger, I was so sure I had killed him!"

Dagger scowled at Nemian's body, and patted my shoulder. "Okk-bully! You did the right thing, defending yourself. It doesn't matter, even if you had killed him. But, unfortunately for the world, he's just un-conscious."

I had to laugh at this, and I felt better. "I'd rather he live. I don't want to be a killer…yet, anyway."

Dagger looked at me curiously. "You really want to stay with us?"

I nodded, smiling. Dagger grinned. "Well then, now that you're part of the family, shall I help you throw out this scum of trash?"

I laughed, drying my cheeks with my wrists, and got to my feet. "Yes, lets!"

With much pushing and shoving, we managed Nemian to the stairs and gave him a shove with our feet. His unconscious form tumbled down the stairs landing back down in the snow.

Dagger wiped her hands together. "Someone will find him in a minute or the cold will wake him up. Either way, we won't let him bother you anymore."

I moved back into the warm room, closing the door behind us. "I hope so," I whispered.

Dagger turned to me, her scowl only for pretense. "Now Claidi-baa, don't worry. Family, ours it least, takes care of each other."

I sighed. "So Argul tells me."

I rolled my eyes at the knowing smile Dagger sent me. "Argul talked to you?" she asked, her eyes wide and hopeful.

I frowned at her enthusiasm. "He's going to talk to me tomorrow."

Dagger grinned and began shuffling through blankets. She grasped you by your spine and tossed you to me, smiling. "Perhaps you'll feel better, Claidi-baa of the Hulta, if you were to write down your feelings and tonight's incidents."

I frowned at her. "Incidents?"

She plopped down on some blankets. "Giving Nemian the boot, becoming a Hulta, and…" Her grin widened. "Dancing all night with Argul, Leader of the Hulta."

I blushed, but smiled. I fingered you, journal, grateful. "I think I would," I said slowly, then shot her a look.

"Dagger, please don't tell anyone about what happened here? I don't want anyone, or Argul, to know except us."

Dagger gave me a searching look before shrugging. "That's fine, Claidi-baa. I won't tell. Family keeps secrets too."

As I lay down friend, to write this, I actually, truly, well…it sunk in really well that I had a family now, a belonging in the world, and an identity.

And I have you too, friend. Tomorrow, I tell Argul yes.