Title: Dear Olivia

Pairing: Alex/Olivia (you guys! I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't even like Alex very much…& here I am writing my second Alex/Olivia fanfic!)

Summary: Alex and Olivia have loved each other for a long time, when Alex becomes terminally ill; she writes a letter to Olivia telling her about her feelings. This is meant for Olivia to read after Alex has died.

Notes: definitely AU. Alex never went into Witness protection. Alex and Olivia have been in a relationship for a long time, they are married and have a son. I don't know. It just came to me. Might be followed with a "Dear Alex" fic, I haven't decided yet. PLEASE REVIEW.

Disclaimer: I do not own SVU.

My dearest Olivia,

I want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Every day that I was alive, I thanked the Heavens for bringing you to me. You were my rock, my soul mate. I know that now. I know that I could not have gone on with life had I not found you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. From the first time I saw you, I knew that I was in love with you, even if it took me awhile to admit it to myself. I will never forget the first time we talked and had lunch. I could hardly breathe you were so beautiful that day. Did you notice? I tried to keep my cool. I didn't know that I was gay. I never even thought about it before you came along. But as soon as I saw your smile and heard your laugh, I knew that I had to be with you. And then, when you told me that you were, in fact, gay I almost cried I was so happy. I didn't know the first thing about being a lesbian. I always thought that I was straight, and I was just waiting for the right man to come along. I am so glad that I never settled for any man, because I truly found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I realized this on our second date. I remember thinking that you were so sweet that day. You gave me one of the best days of my life, and I will never forget that night when you took me up to your apartment and we sat on the couch, watched Casablanca and fell asleep. It was perfect. The best decision that we ever made was 3 Christmas's ago—the decision to commit fully to each other. Although we could not legally be married, our Wedding was the greatest day of my life. I always wanted to wear a beautiful ball gown and feel like a princess, but what I never expected was that there would be two princesses. I still have no idea how we pulled off such a beautiful wedding, and if I thought you were beautiful on our first "date", I hadn't seen anything until I saw you in your dress. I'm crying now just thinking about how wonderful you looked. I remember thinking how lucky I was to be getting committed to the most beautiful woman in the whole world. You would be mine, and mine alone. No one was ever going to take you from me. I kept thinking that it was a dream. I thought that a drop-dead gorgeous woman like you would never love someone like me. But I was wrong. That day and all of the days that followed were perfect as long as you were around. I never felt sad around you, not once in the six years we have been together. Two years after on Christmas Day, our second anniversary, you got me the best present anyone could ever get their spouse. With a little help from our friends, you found a way to have a child of our own and that night, our beautiful son was conceived. I know many have said that he is not actually "ours", that he is in no way biologically connected to you, but sweetie, you have to know that he is 100 percent "ours". I know you would tell me that it's impossible, but sometimes I swear when he smiles he looks just like you, with his stunning dark features. If I didn't know any better, I would think that the sperm used to create him came from you. It was the second greatest decision of my life—to have Ben—and I want to thank you again for making it possible. That night began a very long 9 months full of doctor's visits and adoption papers, but when Ben arrived (exactly) 9 months later on September 25, it was all worth it. The first night that we took him home and watched him sleep in his bassinette I had never been happier in my whole life.

I write this letter to you on our son's first birthday. I have been sick for 6 months now, and I'm not sure how much time I have left. I just want you to know that you and Ben are the only reasons for me to live. You two are the only reasons I get up every morning with a smile on my face. I know that with you by my side I can get through anything. You are my protector, and even though during the day I have to be someone who is all tough and brave, at night I need you to make me feel safe. I'm so glad I have you, sweetie. I write this knowing full well that my time with you it limited. Whether I live another 5 weeks or another fifty years, the time I spend with you will never be enough. It is impossible to spend too much time with you. I swear sometimes when you leave the room to get a drink of water or something, and I look at your cute little ass, I miss you. For those thirty seconds that you aren't sitting next to me on the couch, I feel sad and lonely. I know that lately I rely on you for everything, and for that I'm sorry. I am, after all, the "young one", aren't I? This next part I will try to tell you in person before I go, but in case I don't, I want you to read it. Some of this may be hard for you to hear, but I do not want you to put this letter down until you read it completely. Is that understood, Olivia? I want you to find someone else. Look, Liv…Ben needs two parents. I'm not saying that I want you to hit on someone at my funeral, wait until you're ready. But I want you to find another person (woman, man, chimp…whatever). Just please, Liv. You don't have to worry about what I would think. If she's the one, you'll know. I'll be looking out for you. Preferably, she should be no where near as gorgeous as I am and not even close to as good in bed. That's a given. But in all seriousness, I need to know that you and Ben will have someone to love when I'm gone. Of course, I want you to tell Ben all the good things about me (NONE of the bad things, missy), and tell him everyday that I love him very much and always will. I'm writing a bedtime note to him. Read it to him every night, okay? And when he gets older, make sure he reads it to himself. Get it framed or something, okay? I'm also writing a not that I want you to read when Ben gets married. I'm keeping it open…either "boy" or "girl" could fit in there…just in case.

Keep my gravestone nice, okay? You know I love big old garden roses, right? That's the best flower to put there I think. Well, Olivia, this is goodbye. I'll always be watching & waiting for you. But please, don't rush. You need all the time you can get out of life. Use it well.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Love (still),

Alexandra