Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within, or Chuck Norris. Finally, we don't own the concept of 'Underground Classrooms' (Thanks to Invader Zim for the awesome idea). What's with today, today?

Welcome to the first installment of 'I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You!' As briefly stated in the summary, characters from two different cartoons or animes have to compete for a wonderful prize! The catch? Whatever they spin on the show's wheel, they have to eat! This week is the Simpsons from "The Simpsons" versus the Griffins from "Family Guy", everybody's favorite cartoon families!

Chuck Norris will explain the rest of the rules (every episode will have a new celebrity guest host). But not ALL the rules are laid out before you. Many rules are made up as the show goes on!

Note: If you dislike randomness, or either really, really love or really, really hate Chuck Norris, it might be a good idea not to read this fic.

"Welcome, glorious audience to the premiere of 'I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You!'" A deep narrator voice filled the studio, packed with loud, clapping people eager to watch the next hit reality show. "Watch the glory of the original reality show that is already a hit in Uzbekistan! And nooow, your celebrity guest host for tonight, CHUCK NORRIS!"

Instantly, Chuck Norris back flipped onto the stage. "Hello! Welcome to the very first taping of 'I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You'!"

The cameraman, whose name tag read "Hello, my name is avatarjk137" looked confused. "We already said that! Bring out the contestants," he hissed the orders with relatively low volume through his teeth.

"Aaaannnnd now, give a warm welcome to one family of contestants! The Simpsons!"

The Simpsons walked onstage and waved to the crowd. Bart made a couple of obscene hand gestures, then mooned the crowd. This just made them cheer harder.

"And on the other side, The Griffins!"

The Griffins did the same as The Simpsons. "Oh yeah! Who's your daddy?" Peter shouted happily.

"Now, how about I explain the ruuuuuuules?!" Chuck jumped high in the air with a spin kick. "Both families will send one contestant up at a time to spin the Wheel of Foodstuffs! Whatever you land one, YOU MUST EAT!" Chuck paused to punch the air right above his head. "If you throw up before finishing, pass out, or just plain refuse to touch it with a twenty-foot pole, you get sent to the UNDERGROUND CLASSROOMS!" The exuberant host exaggerated the syllables in 'underground classrooms', punching the air even more. "The same applies if you break any other rules!"

"Yeah, yeah, don't break the rules, what about if our family wins?" Bart interrupted.

"Then you get to pick from two different sets of prizes! You can either go with the thousand dollar cash prize and the GIGANTIC bottle of Pepto Bismol! OR, you can move onto the final round, 'EL DIABLO'! If you win that one, you get the ultimate twenty-thousand dollar cash prize AND this week's specialty prize, a giant mansion! BUILT RIGHT ON YOUR CURRENT RESIDENCE!"

"Wait…" Lisa thought for a minute. "'El Diablo'? What?"

"Well, I say enough with the rules!" Peter thrust his fist in the air. "Let's get eating!"
"Yeah!" Homer did the same. "I can eat anything! I can eat the wheel itself!"

"WAIT!" Chuck Norris did a jumping roundhouse kick. "I think the number of family members you have is uneven! You have two mothers, two fathers, and six kids between both families, but Griffins, you have an extra! I'm sorry, but you'll have to lose your dog."

"Uh, can we talk about this?" Brian responded, raising his paw. Immediately after, Chuck pushed a button he had on a special remote. Meg Griffin went hurtling down into the underground classrooms.

"Hey, that's mean! YOU GUYS SUUUUuuuck…"

"Oh, never mind." Brian waved his thought away as his tail gave a slight wag.

"May we have the two fathers come to the Table of Eatery?" Chuck said loudly. He was pointing to the long, shiny, silver table right in front of the Wheel of Foodstuffs. The rim of it was lined with rainbow lights.

"Yeah!" Both fathers shouted in unison. They jumped forth, screaming vicious battlecries. When they got to the table, they ripped off their shirts. After this, however, they stopped and were silent.

Peter looked at Homer. "Yeah, I really did that for no reason…" He looked at the ripped remains of his shirt.

Chuck Norris spun the wheel for them. Colorful lights lit up all around it as it spun rapidly. After a few more spins, it finally landed on 'five gallons of Twinkie filling' for each contestant.

"Pssh! No sweat!" Homer crossed his arms.

"Yeah, this'll be easy!" Peter rubbed his hands together.

"Oh oh, I hope you two realize how much eight gallons of Twinkie fillings is!" Chuck smiled and shook his head.

"Wait… you said five." Peter pointed at him accusingly.

"But there are two of you, and eight is an even number!"

"If there were five for each of them, you didn't have to make it an even number!" Lisa called from her family's side of the stage.

"Mmm… uneven filling…" Homer said.

"BUT I LIKE EVEN NUMBERS! AND FIVE IS SO ODD!"

Avatarjk137 the Cameraman sighed. His name tag was spontaneously upside down. "I knew we should have gone with Ben Stein for the host…"

Sixteen gallons of a white, cream-like substance randomly dropped from the ceiling. "Let's get started!" Chuck handed each of the fathers their eight gallons. "One… two… three… GO!" Chuck Norris threw his microphone down on the floor.

The obese fathers opened up their containers quickly. They began shoveling the substance down their throats with the likeness of starved wolves.

"Oh my lord, look at the fat men go!" Stewie Griffin commented, pulling his bottle of his mouth. Maggie, the Simpsons baby, began sucking on her pacifier harder.

The camera zoomed in on the babies as their fathers ate the 'food'. Maggie made the peace sign. Stewie threw the bottle at the camera. "Get away, you vile machine! I haven't had my makeup yet!"

The men were already on their last gallon. They had matched each other mouthful to mouthful. When at last they scraped the last of the radioactive, sugar-laced filling and shoved it down their throats, they had still been perfectly matched time-wise.

"OH MY GOD IT'S A TIE!" Chuck shouted loudly. "That means it's time to flip the Coin To End All Coins! It declares whether neither of you goes to the underground classroom, OR IF YOU BOTH DO!"

"But those rules don't even make sense!" Lisa put forth.

"They make more sense than anything else on, 'I WOULDN'T EAT THAT IF I WERE YOU'!" Norris gave her the thumbs-up.

"What sort of mad show have we stumbled on to?!" Lisa fretted.

"Uh… this one! Duh!" Chuck turned away from Lisa and back to the dads.

"Don't insult the show with the insanely massive grand prize, Lisa!" Homer called out.

Chuck flipped the coin in the air with all the drama of eight teenage girls having their Sweet Sixteen parties. The coin seemed to go in slow-mo as it fell and landed on tails. "Oop, I'm sorry! You're both sent to the underground classrooms!"

"D'oh!" Homer shouted. Bart laughed.

"Ha ha, you got sent to the underground classrooms!" Peter pointed at Homer and laughed as the floor opened up from underneath the two and they were swallowed by the same fiery pit that ate Meg.

"Next up, THE BROOOOOOTHHHHEEEEERRRRS!" Chuck spun his fingers and pointed to Chris and Bart. Bart jumped eagerly in front of the crowd. Chris stumbled on, not quite knowing exactly what was going on.

"I will spin it for you boys!" Chuck spun the wheel again. Chris watched the lights move, entertained. It landed on 'pile of rocks'.

"Hmm… okay… I can still win this!" Bart looked determined.

"I eat rocks all the time!" Chris laughed.

The ceiling dropped two platefuls of small gray rocks onto either side of the Table of Eatery. Both boys went to their side.

"And ONE! TWO! THREE! SHOWTIME!" The eager host jumped into the air.

Upon this signal, Chris began eating his stones. The crowd was distressed for the competitors.

"Okay!" The host looked from son to son. "Come on! You're a third of the way there, Chris! Don't give up! EYE OF THE TIGER!"

"Ay caramba!" Bart clearly did not wish to eat any stones that day. He was slightly smarter than Chris and knew of the damage he might cause his stomach (it would be even worse than the time he consumed pop rocks and Coca-Cola at the same time).

Chris had reached the halfway point. "Not wanting to lose, Bart managed to push down one rock.

"YOU'RE ALMOST THERE, BOY!" Norris shouted at Chris.

Chris had consumed his last pebble. He was about to do a victory dance, but he collapsed and went into seizures.

"Uh-oh, looks like that was one stone too many!" Chuck shook his head. "BART WINS!"

"But he only ate one rock!" Brian called out from where the Griffins were standing.

Chuck shrugged. "I never said you had to eat all of them,"

"WHAT?!" Lois Griffin shouted. "You're just making up the rules as you go!" In her excitement, Lois almost dropped Stewie.

"Agh! Calm yourself, woman!" Stewie yelled at her.

"I thought you already realized that," Chuck looked surprised.

Lisa began banging her head on the wall.

Chuck Norris ignored Lisa and moved on. "Will both families' mothers please come up on stage?" Marge Simpson and Lois obliged, handing their babies to the family members remaining on stage.

"Okey dokey! Time for spinning!" Chuck roundhouse kicked the Wheel of Foodstuffs to get it spinning. After a high amount of rotations, it landed on Smoothie of No Return.

"Hey, what's with all the fancy titles for stuff?" Bart asked.

"It sounds good!" Chuck shouted to Bart.

"What happens in the Smoothie of No Return?" Marge looked slightly worried.

"THIS!" As if it were a cue, Avatarjk137 the Cameraman pushed a small, bright blue button. The floor in front of the mothers opened up and pushed up a platform. On top of it was a gold chest, decorated with diamonds and all sorts of colorful gemstones.

"Oh, how pleasant-looking!" Marge's troubles melted away upon the appearance of the regal, innocent-looking chest.

"Hm… maybe it's some sort of gourmet food!" Lois suggested.

"WRONG!" Chuck high-kicked open the chest. Inside was a disgusting, putrid array of whatever you would think of to be the most hideous pieces of trash you can find.

"Now ladies, you both reach in and pick three different items to go into your doom smoothie!" Chuck put two blenders on top of the Table of Eatery. "Mrs. Griffin, you're up first!"

Lois grimaced as she stuck her hand deep in the rancid pile and pulled out a dead fish, a moldy piece of paper, and a paper McDonalds bag, with a sticker labeled "trash from the refrigerator".

Marge came next. She reached as least deep as possible into the pile. Her picks included a dead garter snake, squid tentacles with barnacles all over them, and brussel sprouts. At the last pick, the crowd gasped and one woman fainted.

Each blender crushed it's given ingredients, along with a cup of ice and a small packet of chocolate-peanut butter flavored protein pack.

The mothers bravely forced themselves to gulp down their 'smoothies'. They were thinking of showing their children that you can do anything if you're just determined and work hard to achieve it, and they were also thinking of avenging their banished husbands, but more importantly, the mothers were thinking of the huge cash prize.

Chuck looked at Lois, who was panting after finishing her 'drink'. He turned to Marge, who had just gulped down the last bit.

"Well, ladies, it looks like you both finish! You know what that means?"

"The Coin To End All Coins?" Lois asked.

"No! Get off the stage! More contestants have to go!" Chuck shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Really, don't hog the stage."

The mothers were surprised, but nonetheless relieved that their host let them go. The walked over to their families as Lisa Simpson walked onto the stage and Brian walked away from the Griffins.

"I'm facing a dog?" Lisa was puzzled.

"I'm more intelligent than most of my family," Brian replied.

"Since one of you is just a weak little girl, and the other doesn't have opposable thumbs, I will spin the wheel for you!" Chuck put his hand on the wheel.

"Actually, for some reason I do have thumbs, but you're the host," Brian responded.

"Hey! I'm not weak! Don't make stereotypes!" Lisa said. "But you know what? That isn't the only thing grossly wrong this show! Don't you people realize what you're doing?" Lisa turned to the audience.

"Oh crap, here she goes…" Bart rubbed his forehead.

"You're feeding off of other people's humiliation and pain for your entertainment! Underground classrooms? Possibly toxic substances served for consumption? Does this seem okay to you? Think about it!"

Chuck stood silent with his hand still on the wheel.

"Can we just get the match over with and you do this… thing later?" Brian asked Lisa.

Lisa walked over to Avatarjk137. "You! Cameraman!"

"Actually, I'm also the director, but I'm the only person who knew how to work a camera, so-"

"Do you really think this is alright? To make this into a game show?"

Lisa seemed touched when Avatarjk137 paused, seemingly thinking about all that was wrong here. He was actually thinking, "Did I leave the oven on?"

"LISA! Stop! The cassshh!" Bart called out.

"But-" Lisa began. She stopped when the audience began cheering again. "Oh, why do I bother?" She walked over to the wheel, deflated.

Chuck's energetic smile was back on his face as he spun the wheel. It landed on 'New Wheel'.

"I LOVE THIS PART!" Chuck took out his special remote and punched a green button at the bottom. A new wheel came to replace the old wheel, but instead of it coming from the ceiling and crushing the wheel, it came from under the floor and bumped the old wheel away.

"Oh, a new wheel fresh from the underground classrooms!"

"The underground classrooms?" Lisa looked at the wheel hesitantly. Half the cards read 'Bleach'. It was painted black with red lettering and had orange lights.

"Whee!" Chuck spun the wheel. The orange lights went up hypnotically.

Brian leaned forwards to read it. "Hellish shrimp puffs?"

"Yup!" Chuck pointed to the floor, which gave forth another platform, carrying orange shrimp puffs.

"But dogs eat anything!" Lisa tried to argue her case. She was simply ignored.

"Yeah, plus I'm totally plastered," Brian added.

"One two three GO!" Chuck drop-kicked the old wheel, sending it spiraling offstage. Screams were heard from the crowd.

Brian shoved a shrimp puff from his plate into his mouth. "Oh my god, these do taste like hell reincarnated into shrimp puffs!" But Brian's dog nature forced him to shovel in another, then another.

"If you think I'm touching these…" Lisa kept her hands to her sides.

Brian was on his last shrimp puff. Chuck turned to Lisa. "Little girl, if you don't; at least try it, you'll be sent to the underground classrooms."

Lisa broke off a little bit off hers and put it in her mouth. She made a face as Brian devoured his last. "Uh, I'm done."

"Okay then! Lisa, you lose, go back to your family! A POINT FOR THE GRIFFINS!"

Lisa turned back to Chuck Norris. "You never said anything about working on a point system!"

"Oh. Well then, you still lost. Go away!"

Lisa trudged back to the Simpson's side of the stage, but just before she reached her old spot, the floor opened up below her and sent her to the Underground Classrooms.

Before Marge, Bart, or Maggie could respond in any way, Chuck cried out, "NOW FOR THE BABIES!!!" Moving sidewalks popped up from under them spontaneously and dragged them to center stage, then disappeared again.

"You!" Stewie said. Maggie looked at him. "Yes, you. The cretin with the pacifier. You're going down, pacifist!" Maggie continued sucking her pacifier, but made the 'I'm watching you' gesture. "Hmmm, perhaps this little yellow wench is smarter than she appears."

"Alright, you adorable little psychos! I'm gonna spin the WHEEL!" Chuck ran up the nearest wall, leapt off, and spun the wheel with a spinning kick on the way down. The wheel finally dragged to a stop on 'Orange Juice'.

"Wow, that was lucky for them," Brian observed. An extra card popped out of that card on the wheel reading 'Fermented', so now the card fully read 'Fermented Orange Juice'. "Oh, well, they still got off pretty easily."

"Nobody told us the titles would randomly lengthen!" Stewie yelled as cartons of Orange Juice that read 'best by December 2004' appeared in front of them. "Oh, well, at least it's better than the time Peter was on 'Jeopardy'. (Insert Random Family Guy Flashback Here)

"READY SET… what comes after set? Is it 'READY'? Oh, yeahhh, GO!" Chuck jumped in the air and did a double backflip.

Maggie reached for her juice carton, but it disappeared in a flash. She turned to find Stewie holding a smoking, laser-type gun. "HA! Fool! You can't drink your juice if I vaporized it!" Stewie inserted the straw into his and slowly, dramatically, raised it to his mouth. Maggie's eyes narrowed, and she sucker-punched Stewie in the back of the head. As Stewie lay on the ground moaning, she took out her pacifier, stuck it behind her ear, and drank the juice in three sips.

"The winner is MAAAGGGIEE!" Chuck shouted. He slammed a button, and the hole to the Underground Classrooms opened beneath Stewie again.

"What? NO!" As Stewie began to fall, he pulled a grappling hook gun from his clothes, and shot it straight up. It caught on the ceiling, and Stewie swung up and out of the pit. He then swung around and kicked the surprised Maggie into the pit.

"Oh, okay then, the winner is LEMON HEAD… I MEAN STEWIE!" Chuck clapped.

"Wow, that was interesting," Brian said. The entire time, Lois and Marge had been experiencing double vision and loss of feeling in the extremities from their 'smoothies', and hadn't seen anything happen at all.

"I hereby declare that the winners are THE GRIFFINS!" Chuck shouted. After that, he went into his pocket and pulled out the special remote. He pressed an orange button, and holes in the floor opened up and spat out Chris, Peter, and Meg. It overshot Meg however, and she went flying into the ceiling with her head stuck.

Peter stared at the hanging Meg. "What a familiar-looking chandelier…"

The remaining Simpsons went plummeting into the underground classrooms. Bart quickly took out his sling shot and tried to shoot Chuck Norris in the balls before falling too far, but Chuck blocked himself with a cowboy hat at the last minute. "Oops, missed by about two inches kid!" Chuck turned to the Griffins. "Now, are you guys going to go to the El Diablo round to try for the grand prize, or are you going to take the giant Pepto Bismol and smaller cash prize and run?" Chuck jumped forward, anxiously waiting their response.

"Well, let's see how our team is doing…" Brian answered for his team. "Lois has double vision and loss of feeling in her limbs from the smoothie, Peter has radiation poisoning from all the Twinkie filling, Chris is unconscious, Meg is in the ceiling, and Stewie and I don't want to face whatever horror you have in store for us alone. Plus I just want to get a drink and go home, so I'd say we're going to take the stomach medicine and high-tail it out of here."

"GOOD DOG!" Chuck shouted. "We have a service crew ready to lift the bottle on top of your car, so here's your cash…" Chuck handed Brian a check. "And now you can leave!"

"Our pleasure, believe me, you… strange man," Stewie mumbled as he and the injured Griffins followed Brian out of the studio.

"So ends our first episode!" Chuck turned to the camera. "Come back next time, folks when we have our new set of competitors: the gang from the wildly popular ninja-themed anime, 'Naruto', and the gang from the big hit pirate-themed anime, 'One Piece'! They'll duke it out and finally help settle the all-important debate of the century; "Pirates vs. Ninjas!" Chuck gave one last roundhouse kick for effect. "But I won't be here next time! Your new celebrity guest host, or should I say hosts, will be the rock band Fall Out Boy! Now, good night and good fight!"

"THAT'S NOT YOUR LINE!" Avatarjk137 the Cameraman/Director shouted at Chuck.

Avatarjk137 is my co-writer, actually. This Avatar is not much like the real one... the real Avatarjk137 would be laughing, not trying (futilely) to sort out the nonsense.

Pepto Bismol brought you this chapter.