I was never very close to JT. We had barely ever spoken, just the occasional small talk while he was hanging out with Toby and I was hanging out with Ashley. And by occasional, I mean not even frequent enough to remember much of it. But now he's gone. It's sad of course, his death is tragic. But I can't say that I'm broken up about it. For that to happen, we would've had to be friends. It's sort of like how I felt when Rick died. Not the shooting or anything that happened because of it, just him dying. Him as a person, not him as school shooter. It was sad that he died, but I wasn't that upset. JT's death hurt more than Rick's, but not so much as it would if a friend had passed. Which is why I'm nervous about interviewing people about his death. I'll be talking to people who were so devastated by it, when I barely talked to him, and I'll have to write an article about it. Seems kind of morbid to me. But this is my job, and it's better that I interview instead of someone else from the Core who knew absolutely nothing about him other than the facts, how he died, when, how old he was, things like that.

I'm getting my list of interviewee's today. Of course there's the obvious Liberty and Toby, possibly Manny and Emma. Maybe Ashley. Thinking about it makes me realize how little I even know about him, adding onto my nervousness. I don't even know what questions to ask. Aside from the obvious ones, where were you when you heard, what kind of tribute do you think is fitting, what kind of person was he. But even if I don't know him that well, I know that he would hate some generic piece on him. So now I have to figure out how to make it more 'JT.'

--

I've never felt more awkward than I did while interviewing Liberty. I felt so… apart from her. I was sitting there, asking her all these meaningless questions, and when I got to the good ones, she cried. She broke down. And I'm sitting there, talking about a person that I barely, barely knew. It made me so nervous that I stuck to the most generic, unemotional questions I could possibly think of while interviewing Toby and Mia (who I found out was his girlfriend at the time.) And I stayed very quiet. I still managed to get good quotes, and I didn't feel like scum because my questions made them cry. With Ashley and Jimmy I didn't mind asking the tougher questions, because I know them. I'm close to them. And they weren't even close to JT as the years went by, so I knew they wouldn't be as emotional.

As I walked into the Core's office, planning on handing all of my notes and rough draft to Jesse, I instead got a piece of paper. "Three more people to interview. They were at the ER when the doctor gave Liberty and uh, Toby the news," he said, looking at another sheet for their names.

"Manny Santos, Emma Nelson… Sean Cameron. I have to interview him?"

"That's what I meant when I said three more people to interview. You should get started frosh."

I nodded my head and left. I'm interviewing Sean. And I didn't even know he was back. I thought he was still in Wasaga. No one had bothered to tell me that the man I was in love with is back at Degrassi, back in Toronto? The man I loved didn't bother to tell me. As if things couldn't get anymore awkward.

--

The interview with Manny went fairly well. No throwing, no insulting, just her being honest. I expected her to cry, so when she did it wasn't that surprising. Still awkward though. But her interview went better than Emma's.

Emma and I have never been close. I think I've spoken to her on two occasions. When I interviewed her for her GM foods protest, and when Sean left. Neither were a reason to continue talking. But this time, she seemed so hostile. Hostile and angry. Something I didn't expect from her, I thought she'd be like Manny, minus the crying. But she didn't even look sad.

"How did you find out that JT didn't make it?" The first question I asked. I tried to make it as gentle as possible. That apparently didn't work for her, seeing as how she gave the shortest answers possible.

"I was at the hospital."

"Okay, um, how was everyone's reactions?" A mood setting question.

"Manny cried, Liberty didn't believe it. Toby just stood there. I hugged him."

Great, she left out the one person that I didn't want to talk about with her. But is someone that I need to know about. After all, I can't say 'Liberty Van Zandt, Toby Isaacs, Manny Santos, Emma Nelson and Sean Cameron were at the hospital' and fail to give one persons reaction while telling the other four's. "And Sean's?"

"He's Sean. His reaction should be pretty obvious, after all, you did date him." Hostile.

"Yes, but I wasn't at the hospital, so you'll need to fill me in."

"He was angry. You really know nothing about him." Nice to see she's just as condescending as she was back when I was in grade 11.

"Um, what was JT's mood like before he left your house?" I desperately wanted to change the subject.

"I don't want you to interview Sean." She didn't even ask, she just demanded and expected.

"Emma, this is my job. I have to interview Sean, he was there, he knew JT pretty well."

"So what? He's upset, the last thing he needs is you coming and asking all these questions." Her emphasized 'you', made it seem like the real reason she didn't want me to interview Sean was because of her own insecurities or problems.

"Liberty did fine, she even called and said that she was glad that she got to vent and talk it out, and that people would know. I'm sure Sean will be fine. I at least have to try."

"Look, he's my boyfriend, he loves me-"

"He said that?" Smooth Ellie, good job. You just showed her some emotion. Wonderful.

"He doesn't have to, I'm me. Of course he does. I'm there for him. I'm just not comfortable with this. So maybe I could be there."

"It's kind of a rule that we interview people alone in these situations. We get real responses, the person doesn't have to worry about what someone else is thinking."

"Well I'm not comfortable with it."

"That's too bad. If you're so unsure of his feelings toward you, then deal on your own time, don't compromise a piece about your childhood friend who got murdered. This is about JT not you."

"Fine. Do the article without my quotes then," and with that, she left. Her quotes weren't usable anyway.

--

The interview is set for today at 5. Honestly, I half expect Emma to be there. I'm so nervous I could barely sleep last night. I have no classes today, and all I wanted was to be able to sleep as late as possible so I don't have time to build this up in my head. So I didn't have time to go over some big scene where I break down in front of him, where I yell about how much he hurt me. Or the scene where we get caught up in the moment, wind up making out in public, and I have Little Miss Egomanic chasing me down. The best solution seems to be closure. Just us talking one final time, on good terms, no scenes, and we can go on with our respective paths. He can hopefully get someone better than Emma, and I'll be with Jesse. And we'll have closure. That's what's best. I repeat that to myself on the drive over to the Dot.

I look around for him and see him drinking something, I assume coffee, at the counter. No beanie, no gray hoodie. A completely different Sean. I walk over to him and sit down, trying to keep distance. He still wears the same after shave. Grade 11 flashbacks.

"Hi, Sean. I have my questions ready, so whenever you want to start."

"I'm ready." Major grade 11 flashbacks. This really wasn't a good idea.

"Okay, when you first went to the hospital, did you think he would be fine, or did you think it was more likely that he wouldn't make it?"

"I don't know. I think it was too surreal for me to really think about it. It was JT, and he was stabbed. I didn't think he'd die, but I didn't think he'd walk about fine either."

I asked the rest of my questions, and it went pretty much like that. Good responses. But I had to get out of there before something happened. "Well, thanks for the interview, I should probably get going," I said, grabbing my purse and papers.

"Wait, you want a cup of coffee or something?" The way he said it, it sounded like he needed to be with someone. It was the same tone he had after the shooting happened. When I walked into the kitchen and saw him staring at a bottle of Jim Beam. The desperation in his voice when he apologized, when he said he should've never even thought of bringing that into the house. When he asked me to just sit with him for a while.

"Yea, coffee would be nice." I sat back down. There's no way I'd let him fall like that. So I ordered my coffee.

"So who've you been? You look great. A lot less black."

I let out a small laugh. "Thanks, I guess. I've been ok. You?"

"Alright. Way better than I was back in Wasaga. I thought about coming back so many times."

I nodded.

"You'd think we never dated or lived together, the way you're barely talking." He sounded a little hurt. I didn't mean to make him upset, it really was my nervousness and my 'stay as quiet as possible' thing for this particular story.

"Sorry, it's just, won't Emma get pissed at you? She made her feelings about me interviewing you perfectly clear yesterday, I really don't think she'd be ok with us drinking coffee and talking about non-morbid topics."

"We actually are on a break right now. She got too neurotic for me."

"I noticed that first hand yesterday."

"Sorry about that. About everything."

"It's fine." I took a drink from my cup.

"No, it's not. I'm sorry about leaving."

"Are you leaving again?" Stupid. Stupid. I shouldn't have asked that. A scene is coming on.

"No, I'm going to deal with it here this time. But it' different, I didn't kill JT."

"Right. Yea, it is different. Sean, why did you leave? Why didn't you call, or email or, even write?" I pretty much should never build things up in my head. I'm just making scenes come true.

"Because I didn't want to bring you down with me. I hated myself for killing Rick, I hated that everyone kept calling me a hero, I hated that that's all anyone was talking about. I didn't want to hate you for thinking I did the right thing, or for talking about it. So I went somewhere where it didn't matter what they did, because I hated them anyway." He whispered all of it. He didn't want anyone else to know.

"Oh. I guess that's a pretty good reason." Way to sound like a dumbass. He opens up and tells me all of that, and my response is 'good reason.' "I'm glad you worked through it."

"Do you wanna go outside for a minute?"

I can tell he really wants to say something, and I know he won't do it in front of everyone. So I said yes and we went to the alley behind the Dot. When we were going out, we would go back here with Jay and Alex and we'd make out for hours. Now we're behind here alone, and I'm so nervous about what he's going to say that I can barely stand.

"Ellie, I never really got through it. I mean, I got through the part where it was unbearable, but, when I came back, I was still afraid of hating you because I hated myself. That's why I went to Emma."

"Maybe you should talk to someone. I can give the number of my group manager, he does one on one counseling. Maybe it would help you."

"Yea, maybe it will. I missed you. Maybe we could start talking again."

"I'd really like that." I really would. We can get to know each other again.

"So do you need help with that article?"

"Yea, I need to find a way to make it more JT, something he would like."

"I could try to help. Writing isn't my best subject though."

"You sure?"

"With how many times you helped me with math homework, yea, I think I can try."

And we walked to my car. It's weird how death tore us apart, and death brought us back together.