Red Angel

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds or any of the characters

Warnings: angsty…very angsty – mention of suicide; Reid-centric

Spoilers: none…I don't think. This takes place sometime after Elle leaves the BAU

A/N: This is my first actual serious fic (and my first criminal minds fic) I love the show. If there are any mistakes…which there probably are, I'm sorry; my grammer is terrible. I have a hard time capturing characters that aren't mine, so sorry if they're a little occ…or a lot occ. It probably is over dramatized, but that's kind of the way it fell onto the page, so…

This is mostly just filler angst…they don't have a case or anything; it's about Reid because Reid is my favorite character. So…Please comment if I got my facts about Reid wrong or something like that, thanks!

Chapter four:

Gideon knocked on the door with an urgency unlike his usual calmness. He pulled out his phone to call Reid, but felt his heart stop as a thud echoed through the door. Panic filled his eyes and he hurriedly placed the cake on the ground glaring at the door. He kicked the door as he would to get into an Unsub's house. He pushed his way in, running through the apartment, stopping when he reached the opening to the kitchen and found his agent lying on the floor, blood staining the white tile, a knife at the edges of his this fingers.

There was blood. Too much blood.

"REID!" His voice came out a strangled cry as he rushed to the unconscious agent's side. "Reid." He whispered. "What have you done?"

His phone was out, he was calling an ambulance, he was tying a dishtowel around the cut on Reid's arm, he was frantically searching for a pulse, he was calling Hotch, he was holding Reid in his arms; he never noticed he was crying until the emergency personnel pried him from Reid's body, assuring him that Reid was still alive. He was holding Reid's hand, he was staring at the pale face that a day ago had been full of life, he was sitting in the ambulance, never once letting go of Reid's hand, hoping he hadn't been too late.

He didn't even notice he was covered in Reid's blood.

--

The monitor beeped out a steady, comforting rhythm as Gideon sat impatiently next to his sleeping agent. The doctor had told him Reid would be okay, but still…but still he worried. They had told him Reid was malnourished, sleep deprived, and dehydrated. Gideon hung his head in shame. He hadn't seen this coming. He should have seen this coming. It was his job to notice the little clues. He hadn't seen all the clues, couldn't piece the ones he had together in time, and Reid…Reid had almost…

He rubbed a hand against the old t-shirt he was wearing. He had changed, certain Reid would not like the first sight he sees after waking up to be his blood. His other hand hovered around the edges of Reid's, uncertain if the agent would be uncomfortable waking up holding hands with his mentor. Gideon didn't want to do anything to upset the already fragile state of mind Reid was in.

He heard a soft groan from beside him and he looked up to see dull eyes staring into his own. It was the dullness that scared him, the apathy he could see in those eyes.

"Reid?" He prompted, whispering gently, but still loud enough so that Reid could hear him.

"Gideon." Reid's voice was hoarse, rough, coarse; filled with pain. He sounded broken.

Maybe he is. Maybe he is broken. And I couldn't see it in time, I couldn't stop it. Gideon allowed his thoughts to drag his head down, his eyes towards the floor.

Reid took a deep breath, then sat up. "You're disappointed in me." He sounded like a lost child.

Gideon's head snapped up. "Reid, I…"

"Why did you save me?" The question was sharper than either expected. Reid cleared his throat and tried again. "Gideon, why did you save me?"

Gideon saw the pain blatant in Reid's eyes. "Why do you want to die?" He asked back, ignoring Reid's question for the moment. Why do you want to die so badly?

Reid's gaze drifted to the ceiling. "What's there to live for?" He muttered to himself, unaware that Gideon heard him.

Gideon felt like his heart would burst. "You have us. You have the team. Why would you give that up? Reid, we care about you…"

"Why would you lie about something like this! You didn't even want me there!" His head snapped down to glare at him.

Gideon balked at the anger in Reid's voice.

"You and Hotch. You don't think I deserve to be where I am. No one does." The anger was quickly fading. "And I should have expected it. I know you think I'm worthless, that I don't belong on the team, I know Hotch thinks so too. And the rest? They'd be happier without me. Without having to deal with my annoying tendency to spout out random facts, without my social awkwardness. You'd all be better off. And I know how you really feel now, so you can stop pretending. I'm not worth it; I'm not worth the effort it takes to pretend."

Reid's eyes were glued to the blanket covering his legs, hair hiding his eyes. Gideon could feel the pain in his voice and his chest constricted at all the emotions Reid had been holding in.

"I'm sorry, Gideon. I'm sorry for being worthless and for disappointing you. I…"

"Don't apologize, Reid." Gideon cut him off.

Reid flinched, missing the reason for Gideon's interruption.

"Why did you save me, Gideon?" He whispered, allowing the tears to well up in his eyes.

"Reid…" Gideon took a deep breath before reaching his hand up to grab Reid's chin and pull his head up to where they were looking each other in the eyes.

"Reid, you have nothing to apologize for. You haven't done anything wrong." He sighed. "Hotch and I don't think you're worthless, neither does the rest of the team. And I wasn't disappointed in you, but in myself for not noticing you needed out help. We most certainly think you deserve to be wherever you want to be, especially here. We are not annoyed by your random facts; just amazed that you can remember so much. And your help on cases is vital and very important because you can see patterns and connections we can't, especially not in time to catch the Unsubs."

Gideon paused for a moment. "I'm sorry, Reid. I'm sorry we never voiced how much you mean to us and I'm sorry we didn't realize you needed help."

"Gideon, I…"

"I saved you because you don't deserve to die." Gideon said, eyes never leaving Reid's.

"I just…I just wanted to feel something." Reid whispered as Gideon dropped his hand and Reid's head fell forward again. "Something, anything."

"Reid, what made you think we didn't want you, or that you don't deserve to be here?" Gideon asked quietly.

"I heard you…you and Hotch. You were talking about if I really belonged here, if I really belonged on the team. I didn't mean to listen, I was just delivering a folder, but I heard you. And it reminded me of what the students used to say in high school." Reid whispered, allowing the tears to slide down his cheeks. "And I just thought you thought I was worthless and unwanted."

"Oh, Reid." Gideon breathed. "No…no, we weren't…Reid, Hotch and I were discussing if maybe you were wasting your talents here. You could have done anything you wanted and we were wondering if we were holding you back. We just wondered it you…oh, Reid. We just thought of all the things you could be doing and wondered if this was best for you. You will always belong on the team."

Reid looked up. "You…you actually want me to stay?"

"We don't want you to leave." Gideon smiled at the awestruck agent.

Reid looked at him as if determining if what Gideon said was the truth.

Gideon stared at him, poking at the thought at the back of his mind that was really bothering him.

"Why do you think you're worthless?"

Reid stared at his hands. "My…my father told me that when he left, after mom got sick. He told me I would never be anyone, that I would always be worthless no matter what, and that everyone around me thought the same thing."

Gideon lightly touched his arm. "You are not worthless." His voice was strong.

"Umm…excuse me." A nurse walked into the room. "Dr. Reid has some visitors; so you want to see them?" Her question was directed to Reid, who wiped the tears off his cheeks and nodded; she opened the door.

Hotch led the group, followed by Morgan, JJ, Garcia, and Prentiss; the latter four wearing party hats, Hotch was holding a cake Gideon had to assume was new.

Reid looked confused at their appearance until Gideon whispered "Happy Birthday." His eyes widened. "My birthday?" He whispered.

"Happy birthday, Reid." Morgan walked over. "Man, I'm sorry you had to be sick on your birthday; that really sucks." He turned to Gideon. "It's a good thing you went to check on him if he was sick enough to be in a hospital."

Gideon smiled. "A very good thing."

Reid managed a small smile and a "thank you" before Morgan moved and JJ took his place.

Reid slowly came to the realization through all the "Happy Birthday's" and grins that they all thought him sick and didn't realize what had really happened. He supposed he owed Gideon for that.

When Hotch walked over to him, he dropped his head, unable to look his boss in the eye. But Gideon had already talked to him while the others were wishing him happy birthday, or while he was sleeping, because after he wished Reid happy birthday, he also confirmed what Gideon had said earlier. He also told him he had not told the team what had happened, a Reid had already figured out, and had no intention of doing so. Reid thanked him and Hotch placed the cake carefully on his lap as Garcia and JJ hung the "Happy Birthday Reid" banner Garcia had brought, on the wall where he could see it.

"We didn't want you to miss your party," Morgan explained. "So we brought it to you. How does it feel, genius, to be another year older?"

"Pretty much the same." He smiled a genuine smile for the first time in what seemed like ages. "Thank you."

As the team gathered around Reid, Hotch and Gideon stood to the side.

"Is he going to be okay now?" Hotch asked.

"I hope so." Gideon sighed.

"You don't know?" Hotch found that hard to believe.

"He's a hard person to figure out. We didn't even know he was suicidal." Gideon looked at Reid's back with pity. "I had to beg and plead to keep him out of the psychiatric ward. You should probably pull some strings."

Hotch nodded. "What'll happen when he's discharged? He can't go back to his apartment if we're not even sure he's stable." Hotch looked to Gideon, knowing he had it all planned out.

"I'm bringing him home with me, where I can keep an eye on him. We've got to be more positive around him and make sure he knows we think he's doing a good job."

"Most definitely." Hotch agreed.

"Hey!" Morgan called. "Come have some cake and sing. You can't just stand over there and look all professional when we're having a birthday party!"

Hotch and Gideon grinned at each other.

"He's got a point." Gideon pointed out.

Hotch nodded.

Surrounded by the team, singing to him over a cake with no candles (because the nurse wouldn't let them light them), Reid felt more at home than he had ever felt and allowed his happiness to swell in his chest, relishing the feeling. It was better than apathy, better than pain, and better than the release he had felt in death.

He had been looking for feeling, and finally, after almost losing it, he had found it.

He realized it had been there all along; he just hadn't been able to see it.

--

A/N: I just didn't have the heart to kill him. I like this version better – where he has a heart-to-heart with Gideon. Yup, so that's it for me! Thank you to all who reviewed, it really made me happy and excited and jump up and down for joy. Thank you!

3 Erinne