Authors Note:

Ah…the power of love! It's great so far that there's been nothing but positive feedback and encouragement – reviewers, I love you! –hearts- So, in return, and without further ado, I present to you, the second chapter of A How To on Dating!

And just for the record, Kish uses Purin's nickname for Taruto to simply annoy 'Taru-Taru' like heck.

This is for Rae-Anime-Neko-imouto, may we be sisters in the bond of Fanfiction-ness forever!

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Chapter Two: Back to Earth

Retasu was alarmed to have her cell-phone, newly acquired, crackle out its cheery ring-tone so late at night, as she was about to set off for bed. Bleary eyed, she stretched her stiff limbs, and then reached over to the glossy green phone, meaning to shut off its incessant call.

"Moshi Moshi?" she asked. Well, she meant to ask. Instead, it came out like something close to "M-Mo-aahh-shi Mo-hooooo-shi?"

There was a loud report, and then a voice crackled onto the line, distorted and hazy with static. "Moshi Moshi?" it asked, sounding more then a little worried. Retasu couldn't quite place the voice, but it sounded quite…familiar.

"Eto…this isn't a dieting drink salesman is it?" she asked worriedly, recalling the numerous calls she had received over the weekend, by a particularly obnoxious young man, desperate to sell his goods to her.

On the other end of the line, Pai recoiled in disgust from the dolphin-personalized mobile phone he had made himself. D-d-dieting drink? Why would she think that? Retasu sounded more worn out then usual, and the purple-haired alien was certain that she had stifled a yawn before.

"Eh…no…" he began, uncertain how to phrase what he wanted to say. After a heavy pause, he continued, "…It's Pai."

"Eh?!? Pai-san?!?" Retasu let fly with what she called 'speech'…if incoherent babble and broken sentences could be considered 'speech'. "H-how-you-good? Where-Earth-Kish-Taruto-san? I-I'm-happy-hear-again! Ano…P-Pai-san, you-here?"

In other words, the purple haired alien translated dryly, levitating at a distance from his gleeful companion Kish, she meant 'Eh? Pai? How are you…are you good? Where are you...on Earth? How is Kish and Taruto-san? I'm happy to hear from you again! Um, Pai…what are you doing here?

He waited a moment as she let out another a meaningless sentence and then inhaling sharply, responded to her questions.

"Yes…it's good to hear from you too, Retasu-chan. And yes, I am very well, thank-you. Actually, I'm afraid I'm not on Earth…"

"Yet! He wants to come down and meet you and go all ki-!"

Pai, mercifully had the good sense to teleport down and clamp a forceful hand over Kish, now bloated on Taruto's candies. The green-haired alien struggled and kicked and lashed out at his superior, to no avail.

"I'm…on our spaceship. Taruto, trying to be helpful, accidentally severed our connections cable to our home planet, so I'm afraid we're drifting hopelessly right now."

What I mean by 'Taruto helping' is that Taruto tried to fix our connections cable so he could tune into the television program that monkey-girl told him about. What was that TV channel called again…? Foxtel Kids?

"Oh!" exclaimed Retasu, from the other end, her excitement having calmed down to ordinary, regular sentences once more, "I've heard of that show! They host an English program called 'Mew Mew Power', and there's a really nice…um…person in there, called Pie!"

Pai didn't know what to make of this proclamation. He had no idea there was a person with a name similar to his, and on a television program, what was more. Luckily, Retasu hadn't finished yet.

"…Eto, Pai-san, I don't mean to be rude, but…w…why exactly did you call me?"

Pai flushed a dark red. He tried to remember all the phrases used in the English movies Kish had stolen, all of which mainly included a bad guy getting a pretty, innocent young girl. All the movies seem rather perverted, too. But that was Kish for you. Pai could remember one of the phrases used by a particular man, and he decided to try it out now.

"Yo, mama, I-" he faltered, uncomfortable with the words, but ploughed bravely on, "-I got'cha on the dingaling because it goes 'ring-a-ring', and yo, I was sure yo'd catcha me lat-er to gawp at the movies……uh…?"

Pai paused for breath, tentatively listening for a reply.

On the other end, Retasu was stunned into silence. Pai – her…Pai, had called her up! And chatted to her, what was more! At first, he had sounded so formal and awkward, she had blurted out idiotic things about the show she was addicted to, but now…? Was that really Pai speaking?

"…Eh? I-I'm afraid I don't understand, Pai-san…" she said meekly. There was a burst of static that sounded suspiciously like 'Kish! Wh-?!?' before Pai's voice resumed it's usual, sleek and smooth manner.

"Th-that is…" the alien seemed like he was choking, spluttering out his words, "I meant…I'd…like to meet you on Earth…at the mov-ack-aff-ies…?"

Retasu clung to the phone for a split second more. She didn't need the brains of a genius, say, Einstein to figure this one out. Thankfully, there was no time for her to get up and stare at herself in the mirror, thus meaning she couldn't see the bright, tomato-red flush staining her features. If that had happened, she would've gone into hysterics.

N-nani? Pai-san…only means for us to go out as friends…right? I-In that case it's okay…b…b…but…should I really?

"…U…sure. I'd l…love to. D…demo, would y-you like to set a time, Pai-san?"

There was an explosion of static down the line, and Retasu winced, holding the phone at arms length. Since when had Pai gotten so noisy? She reprimanded herself immediately; it wasn't the stoic purple-haired alien that was noisy, it was her phone that was broken.

Finally, Pai's voice, in a rather robotic sounding monotone came on. In fact…it sounded like one of his planet's Chimera Animals had devoured half his brain. For a moment, the young green-haired girl panicked, before she came to the conclusion that Pai had been cut off from his planet, therefore, no monster was hurting him.

If, and only if…she thought, had there been a Chimera Animal chewing hungrily on Pai's head, she would've gladly relished the chance to fly down the line as Mew Lettuce…and save him. She flushed once more, and cast the notion away.

"That's good. I'm glad, Retasu-chan. I was planning on picking you up…right now, if that's alright. I can teleport us to the nearest cinema."

"Sure! B…but, Pai-san…don't you think it could wait for tomorrow?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Retasu bit her tongue, regretting her words. She must've offended him, there was no way she couldn't have offended him! A wave of apologies piled itself up at her tightly closed mouth, ready to explode out as soon as Pai responded.

"I…don't understand. Its lunchtime, isn't it?"

"Iie! (No!)" Retasu hastened to exclaim, "It's nearly eleven p-m! It must be time difference!" She could practically hear the clever, purple haired alien frowning, as he thought this over. She did too, chewing on her lip. Unfortunately, she didn't look where her hand was going…

"AAAAAHHH!"

"Retasu?!? What is it? Retasu? A stalker? A pervert? A-a…vicious red bunny come to eat your beautiful plushies?!?"

There was the sound of sniffling, distorted and static on the phone. Then Retasu's voice, still bright despite whatever had happened, floated over the line…with the sound of a faint, stifled giggle.

"…A bunny? Eat my plushies? Heh! Eheh! Heh! Pai-san…I didn't know you could make jokes!"

Pai flushed another shade of…orangey-red, Kish thought it was now. He pressed the phone further into his ear, to cut off anything Retasu might've said and stop Kish from probing into what Pai classified a PRIVATE conversation.

"Um…that…is…"

"No, that's not it! I just cut my finger on my sewing needle…that's all!" Another laugh followed, by a stifled giggle. Pai's eyes widened and he pulled the phone from his flesh for a moment. Was…Retasu…laughing at him?

Indeed, a steady trickle of giggles flowed down the line.

"Hai, Pai-san! I'll get changed, and prepare myself, ne?"

In the background, Kish had held up a huge 'Go for it, Pai! I'll watch and encourage you all the way! I can give you tips, too!" The sign was not the least bit encouraging, nor the 'watch' portion, and as for tips…well…Kish sure spoke fancy for someone who couldn't nab the girl they liked. But hey…at least Pai had made Retasu laugh.

"Sure."

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Retasu quickly scrubbed her hands through her hair, after Pai hung up, and gave herself the once-over in the mirror.

Then the twice-over. And the thrice over.

And screamed. What bad sense had she, to wear her childhood teddy-bear nightdress, with the fraying hem and the chocolate stains all down the front? Pai was coming, right then, right there, coming to pick her up and have a good time with her…what was she thinking? She scolded herself; they were going to have a good time!

Frantically, she dug through her closet, finding what she hoped was a suitable outfit, in the dim light. She donned the clothes, and flicked on her bedroom lamp, expecting to see a shadowy shape form itself any minute now, inside or outside her bedroom window.

"Retasu-chan."

"KYAAAAAA!"

Retasu whipped around, her heart beating frantically as she found Pai, the purple haired alien, levitating himself several inches above her. He winced slightly at the sound of her startled squeal, even raising one hand slightly to cover his quivering left ear.

"G-Gomen nasai!"

Th…that's curious…he's hovering right over me…

Without warning, the purple haired alien plummeted like a stone, landing heavily open the green-haired girl situated right beneath him. Had Pai known how dangerous it was to lose focus halfway through flight, he never would've levitated right over Retasu's head.

"AWWWWAAAH!" (Understandable Translation: I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying 'ow!' but….it hurts!)

"AH?!? RETASU-CHAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?"

Pai lay sprawled out, over the length of the carpet…and the unfortunate porpoise, feebly stirring underneath his bulk. Alarmed, he sprung off her immediately, a faint blush dousing his features. Had he…had he…had he hurt Retasu, in any way possible? He'd squashed her alive! He'd-he'd…

"I…I'm alright, Pai-san. I-It's okay…" came the weak reply, and Pai breathed a sigh of relief.

However, the commotion had woken more then just Retasu. There were startled, upraised sleepy voices in the hallway, tired and frustrated at having been woken so late at the night. Retasu turned to Pai, her eyes pleading. How could he refuse?

He grabbed at her, not noticing as she dangled helplessly, too intent on getting out of her room where he might be mistaken as a pervert, or a stalker, or worse – a vicious, red, plushie-eating bunny.

"Teleport: nearest, ci-ne-ma!" (Yes, I know they probably don't say this, but I put it in for emphasis)

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Several troublesome minutes later…

Retasu felt the ground firm itself beneath Pai's feet rather gladly, and waited as he slid to a slow landing just outside the cinema. She gawped, blinked, and then rubbed at her eyes, staring at the flashing sign that adorned the cinema. Then meekly, she tugged at Pai's sleeve.

"E-Eto, Pai-san? The…cinema…?"

Pai turned…and did exactly what Retasu had done; blink, gawp and stare. For the cinema was a bright, fluorescent pink that was strenuous to ones eyes. Floating, digital hearts danced on the flashing screen proclaiming what movies were screening, and little half-naked cupids aimed arrows at characters painted on the wall.

"THE CINEMA FOR LOVERS – admittance only for couples" was emblazoned across the top half of the cinema entrance.

It was… incredibly bright. And pink. And, for want of a better word…very lovey-dovey, in a cheesy sort of manner.

"…A…eh…" Pai stammered, heat rising from his face. Unexpectedly, Retasu tapped at his chest, and he flushed, staring down at her confused.

"Pai-san…could you put me down now? E…eto…my head kind of hurts…" There was no simpler reason for why her head hurt, than the fact that Pai had accidentally grabbed her the wrong way, so that she was dangling upside down.

"Gomen." He put her down quickly, and then blinked at her, startled.

"R…Retasu-chan, are you sure that…um…never mind."

Retasu followed his embarrassed, inquisitive gaze down her body, and saw what he was gawping at; her clothing. She blinked…and sucked in a sharp, squeal of air. For what she had accidentally chosen, in the dead of the night, was…

Spiderman singlet. Barbie underwear. Bright green shorts that protruded from underneath the underwear. A dollar-sign necklace, in a hideous shade of orange. Retasu wasn't even aware she owned these sorts of clothes.

…Nani?!? H-H-How'd I end up wearing these clothes?!? N-N-N-N-Nani?!?

"Retasu-chan. Never mind your clothes, I think they're just fine. I'd like to ask…what movie do you want to see?"

Startled from her anguish, Retasu blinked at the big black sign, declaring what sorts and what movies were available for viewing at the time. She blinked again. Was it just her, or was everything going wrong tonight?

As she read them, Pai spoke the titles out loud.

"Tunnel of Love. Love Factory. Rabu me Do (Love me Do), or I'll Shoot You. Returned from Death to Say 'I Love You'. I Do, I Do, I Really Love You. You're My Only Lover. Blood and Chocolates."

Blood and Chocolates sounded like the only sensible movie in the theatre. Retasu nodded at his last words, as he let the title 'Blood and Chocolates' hang in the air. It sounded …interesting enough…as long as there wasn't any blood.

"B-Blood and Chocolates…s-sounds nice, Pai-san…"

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Where, oh where have my funny genes go? Do I have any?

Well…I hoped this was…funny. Next chapter, what dilemmas will happen at the Cinema for Lovers? And does Pai have a secret weak spot for sad, sob stories? Who knows?

Coming soon, to a story near you: Blood and Chocolates.