Parrots of the Carrots: the Curse of the Black Raisin

Bev Duck, a spoilt, selfish brat of nine years old stood at the front of the ship Truffle; the only part that wasn't waterlogged. She was pouring bottles of alcohol into the water to annoy the other sailors, and was singing softly to herself:

"Cos I'm an evil Scotsman…and Jimmy is my name,"

Suddenly, one of the sailors called Ms Dibbs lurched towards her and reached toward her.

"Young Missy! Everyone knows it be bad luck to pour drink into the water and sing the Evil Scotsman! Ye'll incur the wrath of Billy Conolly's lawyers… if he doesn't get ye first!" As he spoke, he turned at regular intervals and vomited. He'd been experimenting with a new kind of vodka, which turned his puke multicoloured.

At this moment, Billy Conolly drove on the water on his motorbike, and headed towards the ship holding a vicious dead parrot. Bev shrugged and threw an empty Jack Daniels bottle at Billy, and he sank, screaming into the waves.

At this moment, Governor Duck, Colonel of the Quackers, and his trusty suck up sidekick, Norrrrringtonnnnn walked up to Ms Dibbs and slapped him with yet another dead parrot. Each.

"Ms Dibbs, I do not appreciate you teaching my daughter about an amusing Scottish comedian; it may give her a taste for culture."

At that point, Norrrrringtonnnnn said in a flirty voice "Parrots are violent, desolate creatures, the lot of them. They should get a plucking!". He then licked his lips and winked at Bev, who tossed her dirty blonde, curly hair and kicked him in the shin. Hard.

Ms Dibbs staggered away, muttering about the green llamas made of toothpaste.

Just then, a flaming ship came into view, and apart from one of the pyromaniacs on the crew doing a monkey dance with delight, no one noticed. A boy was blasted from the ships cannon, and landed on the deck. Bev walked over to him and began poking him with a shard of glass. He awoke, saw his own blood, screamed like a girl and fainted again. Bev noticed he had what seemed to be a medallion around his neck; it said:

Name: Bill Wormer

Gender: Unknown

Status: Vaccinated

And then there was a picture of a carrot and cracker blended together (it's kinda hard to describe). Bev gasped.

"Y-you're a… parrot!"

And just as she was about to make him fight the drunks on the ship…

"And that was Celebrity Tarzan!" The sound of Chris Moyles on her alarm clock woke her up. She sang along - "Celebrity Tarzaaaaan!" and 19 year old Bev Duck flopped back down onto her bed for a few more hours.

Bev's father barged in 3 hours later, not bothering to knock on the expensive-looking oak door, and said, "Are you still in bed on this fine day?" As it happened, Bev was highly photosensitive, but no-one cared. Bev tried to get dressed, which was hard since her father kept peering round the screen every few seconds.

"I have a present for you, by the way." At that moment, Ashanti, Bev's maid stumbled in, tripped over her dress and accidentally threw the box she was carrying out the window the Governor just happened to open at that moment; luckily, Bill Wormer just happened to be passing by the open window, and caught the box. And the author just happened to stop writing the word happened in italics because it's tedious. No, really.

Anyway, Bill was carrying a gold plated, semi-automatic machine gun the Governor had requested (and spent most of his money on). Of course, hit men are so much cheaper than buying your own gun, but Governor Duck thought hit men were parrots, and he'd had them all turned into blacksmiths. Not that he'd want to kill anyone, mind. Nope, he'd never do that. Nope. Maybe.

By the time Bill had entered, Bev had changed into a dress of many, many layers and a corset. Luckily, young women of that time had the superhuman ability to breathe in almost any conditions, except when dead parrots were shoved in their mouths.

Downstairs, in the Grand Hall, Bill Wormer stood holding the fine fake leather box containing the gun, and the pine box that had just flown out the window. Bill absentmindedly pulled on the antlers of a stuffed moose head, and it fell into his arms. Dropping his boxes, he hurriedly stuffed it into the giant, coffee flavoured, triple tiered cake that was just lying around. And no-one noticed. No-one.

The Governor entered, and Bill handed him the pine box, and he said in a shaky voice, "I think the sky's falling… this assaulted me on my way in, and I was only here to give you your gun, and why do these things keep happening to me, I never did anything wrong!" his voice was getting more and more hysterical, and he was about to hyperventilate when someone not really important enough to have a name slapped him with a dead parrot.

The Governor took the box from Bill and took the gun out; he then started tossing it in the air, to see how long he could do so without the gun going off. At the exact right moment, Bev entered and was struck on the head by the semi-automatic. After a huge fuss, involving people who looked suspiciously like the cast of Casualty coming to make sure Bev was OK, they finally left to watch Norrrrrintonnnnn's initiation ceremony into the League of Men in White Wigs.

Meanwhile, in a random harbour, Jock Dodo was sitting on a sinking crate of dead parrots. He was wearing 60's dancing clothes and a hat with a dodo on it that almost looked real…

OK, I'd like to say that I do like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, my friend and I just co-wrote this for fun. And I am getting treatment for my obsession with dead parrots. I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Casualty, Celebrity Tarzan or The Evil Scotsman. Try not to flame.