The Dumb Little Spacehouse for Two
By: Jaha Canon
Disclaimer: Denying ownership.
Dib was groggy by the time morning came along. Apparently, there is little rest for an aspiring paranormal investigator.
He located his glasses, managing, this morning, not to accidently knock them onto the ground. He got up and made his way to the bathroom. He had a funny feeling today that he was being watched, but he attributed it to his usual paranoia. Even so, he had a bad feeling.
Looking into the bathroom mirror, he surprisingly didn't look as groggy as he felt. This was nice. This way he could fight Zim this day without letting the Irken know he's not at 100. In case the groggyness doesn't go away, anyway. It's good to plan for everything when you're saving the world from an alien invader.
He didn't have much time to think about saving the world, because suddenly he saw something behind him in the mirror. It was a black metalic object floating behind him that disappeared almost as quickly as he noticed it. He spun around and looked around carefully for it. He glanced out of the doorway before stepping out into the hallway, still searching for the object.
The door to his room was closed although he remembered that he had left it open. He crept cautiously to the door and listened at it for a while. Silence. Then, he softly turned the knob and let the door slide open. Nothing popped out. He carefully glanced in and saw only his room in its normal state. He gulped and slowly began to enter the room.
And there it was flying towards him, carrying a big net. Dib only had a chance to process that his object had an uncanny resemblance to a video camera before the net swooped him up and captured him.
The amount of time Dib traveled on the spaceship this time was, surprisingly, somewhat a disappointment. He was under the impression that the nearest planet with life would take at least months to get to, but instead it seemed to take just over an hour. Sure, he struggled and wasn't crazy about being abducted, but having been eager to travel to other planets for a long time now. He was slightly annoyed to find that there was technology anywhere in the universe that would have allowed him to do that in less time than it would take him to walk to the nearest forest and try to find a relative of big foot and that this technology wasn't HIS.
He struggled with robotic arms as he was pulled off of the spaceship. However, when he took one look around him, he immediately stopped. Cameras, much like the one that abducted him, where watching each of the people present.
"What…. Is this place???" Dib asked in wonder. He then noticed that he had more cameras surrounding him than most of the other beings. It couldn't be Zim's home planet because no one looked remotely Irken. There appeared to be a number of different kinds of alien life around him.
"Welcome, Human," greeted an overweight-to-human-standards lifeform, "to the planet of Realiteevee. I am the king of this planet, Produce-Sir."
"….Reality TV?" Dib replied slowly trying to soak in the information, "….Producer?"
Just then, another craft landed on the planet. The door opened and Zim came marching out in a very proud way. Then he began looking at his surroundings and his eyes and antenae suddenly became alert. "This isn't Talkshowia!!!! You lieeeeeed!!!!!!" he screamed before hissing. His now narrowed eyes searched the crowd for something or someone to destroy right on the spot.
Someone nearby Dib made a 'pfft' sound. "Of course," the voice continued, "they use that kind of gimmick all of the time to get people to come here."
Zim marched up to the Produce-Sir. "As a prized Irken invader, I command you to send ZIM immediately to the planet of Talkshowia as ZIM has a very important interview about his ASTONDING achievements!"
"Look, I hate to break it to you," Produce-Sir said in a tone that really didn't sound reluctant but rather expecting, " but there is no Talkshowia interview."
"LIES!!!!!" Exclaimed Zim as his eyes searched for an escape.
"It's obvious that was just a lie to so that they can get you here, Zim." Dib stated in a mocking tone.
Zim noticed Dib standing there for the first time. "And what are you doing here, HYUUUMAN?"
Dib crossed his arms, "I'm trying to figure that out."
"Boys," Produce-Sir began, taking the Irken and the Earthling under each arm, "we here on Realiteevee have something to tell you and we're not quite sure how you'll take it so…" he mocked sighed, "the two of you and your ongoing rivalry have been the subject of an extremely popular reality tv show program for the past few months and-"
"WHAAAAT?!?!" Dib exclaimed. "You mean a bunch of alien SCUM have-" he trailed off remembering suddenly that he was currently surrounded by said "scum".
"Months?!" Zim was clearly baffled as well. "The MIGHTY Irken Tallest allowed you to monitor ME for months????"
"In short," Produce-Sir stated. "Yes. In fact, many of the highest ratings for 'Irkens and Earthens' come from your Irken race."
"Erm… we use the term 'Earthlings'-" Dib corrected.
Produce-Sir shrugged the comment off, obviously not worried about what the inhabitatant of the silly planet actually call themselves. His attention was moreso on the stunned self-proclaimed Irken invader. He'd seen Irkens before during his longer lunchbreaks, which took place on Foodcourtia, but they were the lowest class- barely considered the same as the Irkens that most of the universe had come to fear. The only Irken ever to set foot on Realiteevee before was the one who conquered it a little more than a thousand years ago. Even before that, the planet was heavily dependant on the often-dangerous input that would come from the Irken Empire. Of course, it would be risky business for any of the entertainment planets to feature an Irken out of fear of embarrassing the Irken society. Zim seemed to know this, although he seemed not to understand that he was somehow the exception to the unspoken rules.
Yes, this Irken "Invader" Zim was exactly what the Entertainment planets needed- an Irken that they could laugh at without putting their lives in danger. Of course, Zim didn't need to know this.
"Zim, one of the mightiest of Irken soliders," Produce-Sir spoke, bowing swiftly, yet deeply, "The allmighty tallest have had a lot of praise for you and have enjoyed watching your idio- I mean your sure process towards taking over the planet Earth."
"They have?" asked Zim eagerly. He quickly gathered himself and stood proudly, "Well, yes, of course they have for I am ZIM!"
"Oh come on!" Dib protested. "Why are you boosting his ego like that? If you've been really watching us all this time, you'd know he does that plenty by himself."
Produce-Sir chuckled and gave Dib an emormous pat on the back. "And it's no wonder they call you the smartest, most not-crazy human of them all."
Dib fought the praise, but he found it was still winning him over. He found himself smiling and scratching the back of his head. "I guess I –am- pretty smart and not-crazy- I mean sane"
Suddenly the human met eyes with his sworn enemy and he remembered his confusion, fury, and, well, more confusion.
"So why have you brought us here?" He demanded.
"Welllll… let's just say that the ratings have gone down a little and our viewers want to see something different." Produce-Sir explained, the Earthling and the Irken suddenly realized they were standing in front of a house. "So, we're doing a month long special in which the two of you will be coexisting in the same household."
"WHAT?!" Dib exclaimed before breaking into a unintentional routine that resembled a cross between a fish out of water and a deer in headlights.
Zim gagged at the idea. He recomposed himself and narrowed his eyes to slits, "-and if we refuse?" He jumped back as several lazer guns popped out of the ground.
"The both of you, along with planet Earth, will be destroyed."
away from my mission
"-I- can't be for a whole month!!!" they complained.
missing school
"No worries, Irken Invader Zim, the Tallest enjoy 'Irkens and Earthens' and are looking forward to the special. And Earthling Dib, we've taken care of your absence too…"
Dib frowned, "What did you do?"
----Back on Earth----
Professor Membrane walked through the front door of his home. "Kids! I'm home!"
"Hi Dad…" Gaz mumbled over her Game Slave.
Membrane looked around for a while, realizing something was missing. "Where's no brother?"
Gaz held out a note, which Membrane took and read.
Dear Human Parental Unit,
Please excuse the Earthling Dib Membrane from life this following month. He is too ill for anything. Do not worry, as he is in no danger.
Much love and adoration,
A Human Doctor
Membrane scratched his head, shrugged, and headed for the laboratory. He made a mental note to ask his secretary to call the Skool to pass on the information.
----------Back on Realiteevee-------
"That's the worst forged doctor note I've heard of in my life. Besides, they don't even work that way." Dib protested.
Produce-Sir listened to some information that just came in on his earpiece. "My sources say it worked."
Dib deadpanned. "Oh."
"Huh. Why did I try that one yet?" Zim thought to himself outloud.
Dib sighed.
"Oh, and by the way, boys," Produce-Sir added with a very lighthearted, "here are the rules." He handed them a piece of paper.
RULES:
Neither the Irken nor the Earthen may kill or seriously injure the other.
Escape attempts of no way, shape, or form allowed.
Participants should endorse the products put out by the contributing companies at least once each hour.
Participants must agree to be interviewed about the arrangement at any point Produce-Sir decides.
Failure to comply with these rules will lead to the destruction of both participants and of the planet Earth.
"Are there any questions?" Produce-Sir asked. He received only baffled expressions. "Good!" He got out a key and unlocked the front door. "Well, then, welcome home!"
-TBC-