Of Secrets and Padawans

Summary: Obi-Wan has been returning to the Temple without telling his Master where he's been and what he's been doing. Qui-Gon is not amused.

Genre: angst

Timeframe: JA. Obi-Wan is 14. After Melida/Daan.

Notes: For a dare challenge on another site; The dare is at the end of the story. Wouldn't want to give anything away.

Disclaimer: I do not own Qui-Gon Jinn or Obi-Wan Kenobi or any of the other characters in this story or the Star Wars concept; Lucasfilm does. I am very respectfully borrowing them with no intent to profit. No credits have changed hands. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Padawan, you're late."

At the clipped words, the sweaty, disheveled teenager stopped short. It was obvious that Obi-Wan had been trying to sneak back into his own room before he was missed, trying to keep whatever he had done over the past few hours a secret, trying not to get caught out after curfew. Without success.

Flushing a deep shade of pink, the boy stood there, bowing his head, his gaze darting this way and that, looking everywhere and at everything but Qui-Gon Jinn. At least Obi-Wan had the good sense to look ashamed.

"Where have you been, Padawan? It's an hour past curfew." Qui-Gon's voice was sharp and cold, deliberately so. His Learner could not be allowed to think that he could break the rules with impunity. This was happening too often of late.

Chewing on his lip in nervousness, Obi-Wan said softly, "It will not happen again, Master."

Qui-Gon folded his arms hard across his chest as he looked down at his Learner. He could feel his own frown cutting into skin, his mouth tight with frustration, as he glared at the wayward boy. He could not let it pass, not this time.

All dramatic effect, his words were abrupt, "Indeed it will not."

Obi-Wan shrank back, his young shoulders slumping down as the whip-sound of Qui-Gon's voice cut the air. Glancing nervously at him, his green eyes flicking back and forth between the floor and Qui-Gon's hard blue stare, Obi-Wan seemed about to speak but then must have thought better of it. He just nodded and stood there, swaying slightly. He looked very tired.

For a moment, Qui-Gon glared at the teen, his eyes boring into the boy with the fierce displeasure of an irate Master - all showy anger and emphasis. It was expected that a Jedi Master would set a stern example of discipline and decorum whenever his hard-headed apprentice appeared to be breaking the rules. And, although Qui-Gon was known to have broken a rule or two, his young student needed to learn the difference between following the will of the Force and following his own selfish desires.

But more than just simple broken rule or two, Qui-Gon was concerned. Obi-Wan had been slacking off in his studies lately, and frankly seemed to be exhausted most of the time.

Qui-Gon should have pushed harder to find out what was going on before this but it was not too late. Or so he hoped.

"It is not just the curfew, Padawan. Your focus has been sorely lacking the last several days. Unacceptably so. It cannot go on."

The boy looked positively mortified. "Master, it won't. I'm sorry that I haven't been performing up to your standards. I'll try..." He stopped for a moment, realized what he was about to say and then turning away, he murmured, "I'll do better. I promise."

Relenting, Qui-Gon reached out, resting his hand on the teen's slight shoulder, and squeezed gently in an effort to show that he was willing to listen. He said softly, "Obi-Wan, you know you can come to me with any problem. You don't have to face whatever it is alone. In fact, you should not."

He paused, hoping that his Padawan would accept the opportunity to tell him what was wrong but Obi-Wan just stood there, stubbornly silent, his head bowed.

When the silence grew and still Obi-Wan said nothing, he drew in a deep breath and let it out. Apparently, their relationship wasn't as strong as he had thought. But he ignored the blossom of pain with that realization. He would deal with his own feelings later.

For now, he could only see to Obi-Wan's future; here he would not be some doting guardian, but a strict and steadfast teacher. Letting go of his Padawan, he said bluntly, "As your Master, I'm here to guide you on your journey towards Knighthood, not drive you there with a heavy hand and harsh punishment. But I will do what I must if you continue this way."

Without turning, Obi-Wan just nodded. "Yes, Master."

Qui-Gon tried one last time. "Can you tell me what is troubling you?"

The boy stood there for a moment, still and silent, and then, as if coming to a decision, shook his head, "It's... it's nothing, Master. Nothing I can't handle." He twisted around, glancing at Qui-Gon with over-tired eyes, and then said distinctly, "It's private."

"I see." But, of course, he didn't see at all. Privacy could mean many things, anything from the simple foolishness of over-late nights in the Archives joking with his friends to underage drinking to sexual activities.

Force help him, he hoped it wasn't the latter. He'd had the Talk with Obi-Wan several months ago when it became clear that several of the female Padawans were looking at the boy with decided interest. He had watched his Learner for signs of trouble but there had been none. Obi-Wan had been totally oblivious to the opposite sex and Qui-Gon had relaxed his guard after a while. But if the teenager had suddenly discovered females...

"Padawan, privacy is allowed only when it does not interfere with your duties as a Jedi. You know this."

He drew himself up, his Master face set and stern. "The Order has rules that you must follow if you are going to continue to be a Jedi." Obi-Wan looked startled at that, as if he hadn't considered the possibility of his actions, and then blinked rapidly, fighting at his weariness and losing. "I know that it may seem that the Order is strict when it comes to attachment but there are good reasons for it. And you, as a Padawan Learner, are obliged to follow them."

"Attachment?" Exhaustion leaching into his voice, Obi-Wan said, "I don't understand. It isn't like that... well, I suppose it could be but..." He stood there a moment, swaying in the half-light, his face still full of confusion. "Attachment?"

With a heavy sigh, Qui-Gon gave up. It was obvious that the boy was not thinking clearly and was almost stumbling around. He would get nothing more out of Obi-Wan this night. But tomorrow he wanted a full account, privacy or not.

"Enough, Padawan. Unfortunately, I have an early morning appointment with Master Windu. We will continue this discussion after your classes. Be here at fifteenth hour." The boy blinked again at that, and then nodding sleepily, he shuffled halfheartedly into his room and closed the door.

Qui-Gon's frown deepened, pulling at his skin; a headache began to pulse there and unease. Rubbing absentmindedly at the pain, staring at the shut door, he thought again about the increasing fatigue and mistakes that Obi-Wan had been making lately.

He should have seen it sooner, confronted the boy before things began to go awry. He knew that he drove Obi-Wan hard. He was an outstanding Padawan, strong in the Force and intelligent, and he would likely be a great Jedi Knight someday. But in order to attain his full potential, Obi-Wan needed to go beyond the everyday in training, to reach new heights where others might be content to accept the ordinary.

Shaking his head, Qui-Gon had to admit that Obi-Wan pushed himself harder than any Master would do, sometimes unrelentingly so. It was a flaw that they were both working on, how to balance the need for work with the joy of play.

Until recently, Qui-Gon had thought that it had been going well. They had shared more than just training; he had thought they had a solid and increasingly warm relationship. Obi-Wan seemed to be relaxing and learning to enjoy his old Master's unexpected and sometimes humorous remarks on the foibles of foolish, sentient behavior. And his young charge had shown him how to open up and let his old heart ease into the promise of long and satisfying years of friendship and trust.

But perhaps it was going too well. Perhaps Obi-Wan had taken his attempts at strengthening their relationship to be permission to dismiss the rules of behavior that guided all Jedi. Perhaps the boy thought that this plea of privacy, of this unspoken secrecy, would be accepted without question.

If so, Obi-Wan was in for a very large surprise.

With that thought, he deliberately turned away from his Learner's closed door, shuffling into his own room. It had been a long day, he was tired, and tomorrow might prove to be just as turbulent.

But as Qui-Gon tried to settle into sleep, his mind continued to gnaw at the problem.

He often told Obi-Wan that anticipation was only distraction, that the Living Force demanded that Jedi live in the moment. The future was only a possibility and they should not worry about what was to come. But he had to admit that he sometimes did not follow his own advice - especially now.

Yes, Obi-Wan was having problems with his training at the moment. All of this concern about the boy's trustworthiness, all those unwanted thoughts circling like vulture-rats around a bloodied feast, were nothing but his own insecurity speaking.

He was just a foolish old man worrying about the last apprentice he would ever have.

Obi-Wan was a joy to teach most of the time but he did push the limits and some days he was hard-pressed to keep up with the boy's exuberance. A younger man might have been able to match the energy of a teenager but Qui-Gon knew that he was approaching a time when he would not be able to function well in the field and would have to curtail the usually-exhausting missions. It would not be soon. But it was coming.

As gritty fatigue sank into his bones, not for the first time, Qui-Gon wondered if he was getting too old for this sort of thing.

That absurd and unwelcome thought kept hovering just outside his reach and the harsh scrub of hand across beard and throbbing temple did not help. But he knew it was the way of all things - the natural order of life. Time passed and the young replaced the old.

The bed suddenly seemed as hard as stone. Those long, long years of service weighed him down and the ache in his chest at the disappointment of Obi-Wan's privacy issues didn't help. He felt every moment of his almost fifty years.

It didn't help that tomorrow was Qui-Gon's Naming day but that incidental tick of the eternal clock was nothing to the problem of his Learner's well-being and apprenticeship.

With a low growl of frustration, he lay there, staring up into the blackness of his room - thinking about his failures with Obi-Wan, what he should have done and had not, what inadvertent mistakes he made with his apprentice, his own selfish desires to do what he thought was right at the time. The miasma of potential betrayal and the long fall of pride into despair hovered just out of reach. The ache behind his eyes did not help.

It was all too familiar.

This was how it had been for years after Xan's treachery - the whisper of past hurts growing, his foolish mind spiraling into grief, the pain and lament of his own blindness staining his every thought. Even the smallest of mistakes and the affectionate camaraderie of those around him seemed to be an affront to his loss.

He would not do this again.

Tomorrow, he and Obi-Wan would sit down and discuss it, openly. No secrets, not between them. He would make it clear that the boy's training came first, before privacy or attachments or whatever else was causing him to falter. Then they would have a long discussion about Jedi rules and expectations.

He would make sure that his Learner understood. Obi-Wan would be a Jedi Knight - even if he had to force the boy into compliance, even if it killed Qui-Gon to do so. Nothing would get in the way of Obi-Wan's knighthood. Nothing.