Disclaimer: I own none of the characters quoted here. None whatsoever. They are the exclusive property of Homer, Virgil, Euripides and other Greek storytellers who used the Iliad and the various other supplemental tales as examples of how to live their lives. All of the embellishments are mine, but the main script dialogue is (as far as I can tell) David Benioff's. I make no money writing this—it is purely art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.
Outtake #1:
Odysseus: (voiceover; prologue) Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. It is a large vastness—too vast even for the word "big." Or "huge." And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? Will anyone even care? Or is it all just a masturbatory fantasy created by inherently selfish minds that desire, but do not deserve, immortality? I don't like to think so…
Outtake #2:
Achilles: I want what all men want—I just want more.
Patroclus: Well, pardon me, by my ass needs a break.
Outtake #3:
Achilles: You sack of wine.
Patroclus: What did you call me?
Outtake #4:
(The Trojan princes are in the process of sailing back to Troy—as Hector sullenly watches the sea, Paris approaches him.)
Paris: The weather is good. Poseidon has blessed our voyage.
Hector: (not looking at Paris) Sometimes the gods will bless you in the morning and curse you in the afternoon.
(Pause.)
Paris: Wow. Way to bring down the conversation.
Hector: It's what I do best.
(Awkward pause, as Paris considers what he wants to say next.)
Paris: Do you love me, brother?
Hector: "Love" is not the exact word for it…
Paris: Will you protect me from any enemy?
Hector: Last time you spoke to me like this, you were 10 years old and you'd just stolen Father's horse. (looks Paris in the face) What have you done now?
(Pause.)
Paris: Promise you won't freak out?
Hector: (pointedly) No.
(Pause—Paris swallows hard.)
Hector: But you're going to tell me anyway, because I can clearly see that it's eating you up inside, and despite the fact that I am older, taller and stronger than you, I won't be able to punish you half as badly as Father will.
(Pause, as Paris realizes the enormity of this.)
Paris: I have something to show you.
Outtake #5:
(Hector, backed by a small group of Trojan Soldiers, has encountered Achilles.)
Hector: Fight me!
Achilles: Why kill you now, Prince of Troy, with no one here to see you fall?
Soldier #1: Hey, we are certainly not "no one"!
Soldier #2: We are here, braggart… to see you fall to Hector's sword.
Soldier #1: And we will tell stories of your suffering as you begged for your life!
Achilles: (to Soldier #1) Do you have a name for yourself, Trojan?
Soldier #1: Reginald.
(Pause.)
Achilles: Let me rephrase that. Do you have a name that means anything to me?
(Pause.)
Soldier #1: Sugartits.
(Pause. Achilles raises an eyebrow and sizes up the soldier—then hardens his face.)
Achilles: Go fuck yourself.
(Hector and the other Trojan soldiers glare at the upstart.)
Hector: (to the soldier) "Sugartits"?
Soldier #1: It was all I could come up with, my liege.
Hector: (to himself) Idiot…
Outtake #6:
Briseis: Am I still your captive?
Achilles: You're my guest.
Briseis: In Troy, guests can leave whenever they want.
Achilles: Well, aside from that gi-normous army outside my tent that hates your people and wouldn't think twice about raping and killing you dead, nobody's stopping you.
Briseis: You're not funny.
Achilles: I'm not paid to be funny.
Outtake #7:
(Paris is trying to prove his love for Helen—in spite of her husband's clear objections.)
Paris: (to Helen) Then I'll make it easy for him to find me. I'll walk right up to him and tell him you're mine. Tomorrow. Yes, I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, wait, we've got that thing tomorrow—tomorrow isn't going to work—maybe Saturday… oh, no, no, that won't do—we're having dinner for my parent's anniversary. Can't afford to miss that, seeing as it's their 59th—what on earth am I going to give them? And the festivities will probably last until Sunday evening, at the latest—this weekend is right out. And then Astyanax's birthday—oh ye gods, all of the family will be there for that one, seeing as he's next in line after Hector, and he's all special… Oh! Next Tuesday! Yes, that'll do. Next Tuesday, I'll walk right up to Menelaus, look him straight in the eye, and tell him right to his face—
Helen: —Paris?
Paris: Huh?
Helen: Shut up and fuck me.
Paris: All right.
Outtake #8a:
(The wooden horse has been brought to Troy as a "gift"—Priam is willing to accept it.)
Paris: Father, burn it.
Laocoon: (off-camera) HEY! That's MY line!
Paris: Well, then you shouldn't have closed your eyes, uncle—I thought you'd nodded off again.
Laocoon: (off-camera) For the last damned time, I'm not your uncle! I'm your brother!
Paris: More like half-brother…
Priam: (pinching his nose) Paris, don't argue with your brother.
Paris: (ala Napoleon Dynamite) Whatever! Gawh…
Outtake #8b:
Paris: Father, burn it.
Priam: Why should we treat a gift so unkindly?
Paris: Because it's hideous. It doesn't even look like a horse, for fuck's sake!
Priam: Not a horse? What else could it possibly be?
Paris: I don't know—a dragon, a four-legged bird, a couple doing it doggie-style, a shipwreck, a giant turd—I don't know! Just get rid of it before it ruins the décor, or we'll never hear the end of it from the Amazons!
Outtake #9:
(Inside Achilles' tent…)
Achilles: Go. No one will stop you. You have my word.
Briseis: Really?
Achilles: Really, really.
Briseis: You're serious?
Achilles: I'm completely serious.
Briseis: It's not going to be like that unruly mob of miscreants you let me walk into last time?
Achilles: Nobody's going to gang rape you, again—I promise.
Briseis: On your honor?
Achilles: Whatever's left of it, yes.
Briseis: Thank you, noble Achilles.
Achilles: Don't mention it.
(Briseis leaves the tent. Achilles waits…listening…)
Ajax: (outside the tent) Hey! It's the Trojan! Get her!
(Briseis is heard screaming, as a group of soldiers grabs and drags her away. Achilles cracks up.)
Achilles: (snickering) Okay, you can come out now.
(Patroclus exits Achilles' armor closet, laughing uncontrollably.)
Patroclus: Holy shit, that was hilarious!
Achilles: (shaking his head) Stupid bitch.
Patroclus: Ye gods, I can't believe she fell for it again!
Achilles: You owe me.
Patroclus: (wiping the tears from his eyes) Sure, sure. You deserve it. Take off your tunic and sit down—I'm all over it.
Outtake #10:
(Achilles draws his first meeting with Hector to a close.)
Achilles: (to Hector) We will meet again, my brother.
Hector: Oh, goddamn it, not another one!
Achilles: (confused) Huh?
Hector: Did you not just call me your brother? Because I absolutely cannot fucking handle any more long-lost brothers!
(Pause.)
Achilles: I was speaking metaphorically.
Hector: Oh. (to himself, relieved) Oh, gods be praised…
Outtake #11:
(Priam has snuck into Achilles' tent after Hector's death.)
Priam: (to Achilles' face) I knew your father. He died well before his time. But he was fortunate enough to not have lived to see his son fall.
Achilles: Wow… You are so much more intense when you're sober.
Outtake #12:
(Paris unveils his guest in front of Hector and Priam.)
Paris: Father, this is Helen.
Priam: Helen? Helen of Sparta?
Paris: (correcting him) Helen of Troy.
(Pause.)
Priam: (aside, to Hector) He's sleeping with her, isn't he.
Hector: (aside) Seems like it.
Priam: She's not supposed to be here, is she?
Hector: Nope.
Priam: We're going to get in trouble for this, aren't we?
Hector: Most likely.
Paris: (giving Priam puppy-dog eyes) Can we keep her? Can we? Please?
(Pause, as Priam briefly considers the request.)
Priam: (smiling politely) Of course, she can stay with us.
(Hector looks at his father in disbelief. Helen hugs Paris, who drags her off to cavort with her in the garden.)
Hector: Father, what are you doing? She's the blood-born queen of Sparta and she's already married, with a little daughter by her husband, Menelaus. We have to give her back.
Priam: Hector, what will the Greeks do if we keep her?
Hector: What will they do? What would any materialistic country do, that values its queen as it values vast quantities of treasure? They'll come after us to get her back—to get back what they see as theirs—they'll go to war with us!
Priam: And if we were to just give her back—"Here Menelaus, take back your stolen wife, take back your blood-born queen whom a prince of Troy has illicitly ravished right under your nose—we don't want her here, and we never even wanted her in the first place"—how would the Greeks respond to that?
(Pause, as Hector realizes the political implications.)
Hector: (uneasily) They'd take it as an insult to Sparta… and go to war with us.
Priam: There you are, then. If we're in for the bacon, we might as well go whole hog. At least if we have her, we also have a degree of leverage—something with which to bring the Greeks to negotiations should the need arise.
Hector: Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me, Father.
Outtake #13:
Achilles: Patroclus, put down your spear...
Patroclus: But I'm here to fight the Trojans.
Achilles: Not today.
Patroclus: I'm ready for it.
Achilles: No, you're not.
Patroclus: Where do you get off telling me not to do what I was sent here to do?
Achilles: Look at these men—
Patroclus: —What do you think I've been doing for the entire trip over here? I'd rather have been looking at you—
Achilles: —They are the fiercest soldiers in all of Greece—each of them has bled for me.
Patroclus: As if I haven't…especially last month. You really hurt me that night, you know—I don't think you even used any of the lubricant…
Achilles: You will guard the ship...
Patroclus: But this is a war, and I'm a soldier!
Achilles: Patroclus!
Patroclus: What?
(Achilles grabs Patroclus and kisses him deeply on the lips.)
Achilles: I can't fight the Trojans if I'm concerned for you. Guard the ship.
(Achilles runs off, leaving Patroclus dazed.)
Patroclus: (quietly) Okay…
Outtake #14:
(Priam and Helen are walking in the courtyard.)
Priam: I have heard rumors of your beauty. And for once, the gossip is right.
Helen: (blushing) You are too kind, Priam.
Priam: (under his breath) You are a haughty little bitch.
Helen: Pardon?
Priam: Oh, I said, "You are lovely and quite rich."
Helen: Why yes, I have been very fortunate.
(Priam rolls his eyes.)
Outtake #15:
(Paris is about to fight a duel with Menelaus. Hector and Andromache are discussing it.)
Andromache: Fifty-thousand Greeks did not cross the sea to watch your brother fight. You know this.
Hector: Yes, but perhaps I could still take bets. Is it a crime to bet money against your family?
Andromache: I know nothing of laws, but it seems very harsh.
Hector: Trust me—it's not.
Outtake #16:
(The Trojans have come out to meet the Greek forces.)
Agamemnon: I see you're not hiding behind your high walls. Valiant of you… Ill-advised, but valiant.
Hector: You come here uninvited. Go back to your ships and go home.
Agamemnon: We've come too far, Prince Hector.
Menelaus: Prince? What prince? What son of a king would accept a man's hospitality, eat his food, drink his wine, embrace him in friendship, and then steal his wife in the middle of the night?
Hector: (icily, so Paris can hear) What prince, indeed…
Paris: And what is that supposed to mean?
Hector: (to Paris, while keeping his eyes on the enemy) If you had stayed in Phrygia—
Paris: —I thought we agreed never to discuss the incident.
Hector: (to himself) Father was right to have left you on that rock…
Paris: (to Menelaus) The sun was shining when your wife left you!
Menelaus: She's up there, watching, isn't she? Good. I want her to watch you die.
Hector: (to himself) You're not the only one.
Paris: What?
Hector: Nothing.
Agamemnon: (to Menelaus) Not yet, brother. Look around you, Hector. I brought all the warriors of Greece to your shores.
Paris: (scoffing) That's all?
Hector: (to Paris) Quiet, you.
Nestor: You can still save Troy, young prince.
Paris: (sarcastic) Sure, listen to the old guy.
Hector: (warning Paris) Quiet.
Agamemnon: I have two wishes.
Paris: (quietly) What do we look like, genies?
(Hector elbows him in the ribs.)
Paris: Ow…
Agamemnon: If you grant them, no more of your people need die.
Hector: (to Agamemnon) And what exactly are your requests?
Agamemnon: First, you must give Helen back to my brother.
Hector: Fair enough.
Paris: Hector!
Hector: For the last time, be quiet.
Paris: She's mine!
Hector: No, she isn't, and you know it. (to Agamemnon) Go on. What is the second?
Agamemnon: Second, Troy must submit to my command—to fight for me whenever I call.
(Pause.)
Hector: (incredulous) What?
Paris: Are you going to take that kind of disrespect, brother?
(Hector ignores him and surveys the Greek army.)
Hector: (to Agamemnon) You want me to look upon your army and tremble? Well I see them—I see 50,000 men brought here to fight for one man's greed.
Agamemnon: Careful boy, my mercy has limits.
Hector: And I've seen the limits of your mercy and I tell you now—no son of Troy will ever submit to a foreign ruler.
Agamemnon: Then every son of Troy shall die.
Paris: (shouting) Ha! I'd like to see you try and kill us!
Hector: That does it. Time-out.
(Two Trojan guards come up and "gently escort" Paris away.)
Paris: Let go of me! Don't do this, Hector!
Hector: (to the guards) Please keep him in his room for the rest of the day—and no, Helen won't be joining him.
Outtake #17:
Eudorus: We were going to sail home today.
Odysseus: I don't think anyone's sailing home now.
Eudorus: (sarcastic, under his breath) Score one for Captain Obvious.
Odysseus: What was that?
Eudorus: I said, "Score one for Captain Odysseus."
Odysseus: Eudorus?
Eudorus: Yes?
Odysseus: (threateningly) I'm not a captain.
(Uncomfortable pause.)
Eudorus: I said nothing, sir.
Odysseus: That's what I thought…
Outtake #18:
Eudorus: (about Patroclus) He wore your armor. Your shield, your greaves, your helmet… He even moved like you.
Achilles: Great. First he steals my armor. Then he steals my shield, greaves and helmet. And now he steals my moves. That thieving little bastard…
Eudorus: Achilles, he is dead.
Achilles: Great. That'll teach him to steal my shit.
Eudorus: I thought you liked Patroclus.
Achilles: I do like Patroclus—what's he got to do with this?
Eurdorus: I told you. Patroclus is dead.
Achilles: Oh… Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were talking about Odysseus.
Outtake #19:
Glaucus: (at the last stand) Soldiers of Troy! You men are warriors! To lead you has been my honor! (to Paris) My prince! The boatman waits for us! I say we make him wait a little longer!
(Trojans attack as the Greeks break down the last barricade.)
Paris: Damn it! Why do our things always break?
Outtake #20:
Priam: I've fought many wars in my time. Some I've fought for land, some for power, some for glory. I suppose fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest.
Paris: Oh, Father, you're so much more jovial when you're blitzed.
Outtake #21:
Agamemnon: A great victory was won today, but that victory was not yours.
Achilles: My foot it wasn't, asshole. I didn't see you out there in your armor, knee-deep in mud, blood and shit, slaughtering Trojans left and right.
Agamemnon: Kings do not kneel to Achilles. Kings do not pay homage to Achilles.
Achilles: Perhaps the kings were too far behind to see: the soldiers won the battle.
Agamemnon: History remembers KINGS, not soldiers! Tomorrow we'll batter down the gates of Troy. I'll build monuments for victory on every island of Greece. I'll carve Agamemnon in the stones.
Achilles: Be careful, king of kings. First you need the victory.
Agamemnon: Honestly, Achilles, you're really ruining the celebratory mood around here. Why don't you go back to your tent, and your Myrmidons, and your precious little pretty-boy and throw yourself a pity party?
Achilles: Patroclus is dead, you ass.
Agamemnon: Well, sucks to be you. At least I know I'll be getting some tonight.
Outtake #22:
Agamemnon: (upon seeing Achilles' boat land first on the beaches of Troy) The man wants to die!
Odysseus: He wouldn't have to die if you'd let him stay with that harem.
Agamemnon: He's not getting out of this conflict by wearing women's clothes.
Outtake #23:
(Paris and Priam are talking about Helen.)
Priam: Do you love her, my son?
Paris: Father, you are a great king, because you love your country so much. Every blade of grass, every grain of sand, every rock in the river... You love all of Troy. That is the way I love Helen.
(Priam stares at Paris, in muted disbelief, as if to ask, "Did he really just say all of that nonsense, when a simple yes or no would have been sufficient?")
Priam: I see that you have…browsed your rhetoric lessons.
Paris: (oblivious) I aim to please you, Father.
(Pause, as Priam considers thoughtfully where to steer this conversation.)
Priam: Are you saying then, Paris, that a woman is a country?
Paris: Yes. Exactly. A beautiful country.
Priam: (grinning) Wonderful. Let us talk of countries, then. Let us say, my child, that you are but one man. Not an army—not a crowd—but a single individual. And you have come to a country with wide, grassy fields and shining shores and glittering rivers—and that this beautiful country is populated with thousands of people who are polite and hospitable to apparently no end, but know you not. Would you, and you alone, proclaim yourself master of this country and crown yourself king of these people?
Paris: No, I would not.
Priam: Why not?
Paris: I would not, because those thousands of people know me not—and would not think well of my asserting my dominion over them without their consent. It would be very impolite.
Priam: (glaring at Paris) That is one word for it.
Paris: What is the other word?
Priam: An act of war.
(Pause, as Paris realizes what his father has been getting at.)
Paris: Don't play with me like that.
Priam: I'm not playing, boy. And neither will the Greeks when they get here.
Paris: Father, you promised to protect us.
Priam: I promised to do what I can. I am your father—not a god. I cannot make the Greeks disappear into thin air, and it was foolish for you to even entertain the notion that it was within my power to do so. I cannot force them to go away if they are so intent on warring with us—and all because you have been blinded by sexual desire and the childish delusion that you have some right to a woman who is not yours. You are a prince of Troy—and it is high time you started acting like one. When the Greeks come, I expect you to take responsibility for your actions.
Paris: Fine! I will!
(Paris storms away.)
Priam: (sighs) I'm getting too old for this shit…
Continued in next installment!