Inspired by the song Shaking by Sugarcult. ShizNat fun. Everyone wants a piece fo them and I'm no different.

Shaking

By: Azfixiation

Faster.

I push my bike to it's limit for no other reason than my need to feel a change of pace. The wind pushing hard against my body feels like freedom. The road seems to stretch on endlessly as the sun begins to set behind me. I know I should head back but I can't yet. This feels too good to stop. This is the only thing that I have that is mine and mine alone.

More miles are put behind me as I keep going farther from home than I had planned. She is waiting for me, I know. I promised to have an answer when I return. She'll worry. She always does.

I pull off at a rest stop and push some change into a pay phone, half hoping she would answer, half hoping she wouldn't. I almost give up after a few rings but of course she picks up just as I was about to hang up. "It's me," I say. I know I don't need to say more.

Her breath catches as it always does when I call. She doesn't bother to hide her excitement. "Is everything okay?" she asks when I don't say anything.

"Yeah. It's just I'm terrible on the phone," I answer. Even here in this phone booth I can't help but fidget as I try to think of what to say. Why is this always so hard?

"Ara... It's always better when it's us all alone, don't you think?"

Yes.

"I just wanted to let you know I'll be a while longer. So you don't worry or anything."

Her reply is quiet, almost inaudible. I don't mean to avoid the question but it's that sort of thing that has led me out here today. She says she loves me before we get off the phone. She always does.

"I know," I always say.

Back on my bike I push myself harder. I seem to think more clearly that way. But now that I've spoken to her it seems I'm thinking too clearly. Too vividly.

She's an idiot for letting me hurt her for so long. No, I'm an idiot for hurting her for so long.

I remember everything that we've done. Every word, every touch, every tear. I've led her on, and she has willingly let me. She's begged me and I've given her what she has asked.

She has cried every single time.

Then morning comes and I'm always gone. She's shattered over what I've just done yet she never stops me. She says its worth the pain if it's with me. She says that I'm the only one she will ever desire. I know it's true. I know her love for me is stronger than her will to live. I've already seen that side of her.

"Why do you do this to me Natsuki?" her voice asks in my thoughts.

I like the sounds you make when we're shaking.

Without warning I swing my bike in the other direction and race home. My own heart is breaking as I think of her sitting there, tear-stained face, waiting paitently for what I'm sure she assumes will be another heart break.

The wind that felt so much like freedom now feels as if it's working against me. I want to see her smiling face. I want to stop punishing her for my fear. I want to say the things I have always kept locked inside.

I want her.

It's past one in the morning before I reach her apartment. As expected she is sitting there waiting for my return. Waiting for me to hurt her again. "Shizuru," I say as I walk in and her eyes immediately find my own.

I walk to her stereo and turn it up, loud and distracting. Drowning us out. I don't care what's playing.

Usually it is her that loses control.

This time I do as I push her down on the couch and press my lips to hers. She doesn't fight. She never does. Never questions. Just quietly accepts whatever it is I'm willing to give.

The tears are in her eyes again and I know her heart is breaking as much as it is rejoycing at the feel of my touch. I feel her everywhere, my hands moving over her body and memorizing every inch of it.

"I've come to tell you it's all worked out," I say in her ear as I push against her.

She doesn't reply. She's too afraid. Her whole body is trembling with fear and anticipation. I feel myself getting lost in her warmth. Pushing harder. She cries for more.

I like the way you breathe when we're moving.

Her nails sting in my back but I don't think about it. It's the only mark she's ever been allowed to leave on me. I let her hold on to me as long as she needs and finally she lets go. She doesn't try to hide her tears from me anymore. I don't try to wipe them away anymore.

"Are you going to leave?" she asks when I sit up.

I take her hand in mine and place it over the button of my jeans. She looks at me unsure but doesn't hesitate. It's the first time I've ever let her touch me. It is my answer without words.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whisper as her tears start again. This time I know they are not caused by me hurting her. I hold onto her tightly as we move together. Forward and back. Deeper. More. Finally I understand her need.

My name falls from her lips over and over again. We don't stop until we can no longer move. Everything in the past seems insignificant as she sleeps in my arms for the first time. She holds onto me tightly, afraid that I will be gone like all the times before.

Not anymore.

I love you.

That's what I will tell her next time.