Tek Jansen's space ship landed at the foot of a ruined castle. "Hm..." Tek muttered handsomely. "These are pretty suspicious ruins. Too suspicious! Computer: Activate the Somebody Else's Problem Field detector!"

"Somebody Else's Problem Field detected." Said the computer. "Seeing through the Somebody Else's Problem Field... The Somebody Else's Problem Field has been seen through."

Tek was taken aback. "Alpha-Squad Seven! It's a secret castle!" He shouted flirtingly. "I'll bet it contains anti-democracy Communistic cultists! I must put a stop to this!"

He leapt out from his ship and barged straight through the great oak doors, crushing a poor old midget teacher in the process. He paused for a moment before turning to his left and entering the Great Hall.

"It's not like Flitwick to be late." Professor McGonagall said to Dumbledore. She and Dumbledore suddenly had to duck as Tek began blasting his bio-plasma disruptor pistol erratically.

"Time to die, cultist Communists!" Tek yelled lovingly, killing three Hufflepuffs and a Gryffindor.

Harry dodged three blaster blasts and pulled Ron out of the way of another. Hermione had taken cover with the other students beneath the large table. "Who the bloody hell IS this guy?" Ron asked. "And what spells is this guy using?"
"I don't think it's magic." Harry replied.

"But I do think he's obviously had hundreds of girlfriends!" Hermione and Ginny said dreamily.

"Ew, what the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

Neville stood up to face Tek and got promptly blasted. "Another Communist cultist down! I fight for democracy!" Tek triumphantly said in a tender manner. "Nobody can defeat the truthiness of democracy!"

Dumbledore summoned Tek's blaster out of his hands and vanished it into the air. "I will not allow anybody to kill a Hogwarts student!"

Cho fell at the Headmaster's feet. "Oh, but he's so sexy, can't we cut him a break?"

"Yes, please?" McGonagall said, also putting herself to Dumbledore's feet.

"Well, all right." Dumbledore said.

McGonagall edged up to Tek. "How about I make it up to you?"

Tek pulled out a second pistol and blasted her. Cho edged up to him. "How about I make it up to you?"

"Well, I guess I can accept an apology." Tek said sexily. He turned to Dumbledore. "May I?"

"Of course."

"Parum Pum!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione got out from beneath the table. "What the bloody hell is going on here?!" Ron cried. "He kills twelve students and a teacher, and now you're letting him get it on with Cho?!"

Dumbledore smiled. "That's about it."

"WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE REAL DUMBLEDORE?!"

"I know!" Hermione said. "It should be me apologizing to him!"

Suddenly, Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters burst in. "Time to die!" Lord Voldemort yelled.

Will Tek destroy Lord Voldemort's horcruxes in time? Will Ron stop saying bloody hell? Will Tek go all the way with Cho's apology? The answers to these questions and more in only three parsecs!