If Misery Loves Company

Chapter 1

Ice Breaking

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

(The same story as Shera's Diary, from Cid Highwind's point of view. I would recommend reading that first.)

I ain't that old, but sometimes, I surely feel like I am. I can't rightly explain it. I mean, I've had people in my life, my own age, and never could I really relate to them on any level. I suppose a large part of that comes from the fact that I didn't have much in the way of a childhood, forced into being a man before I was ready, but that's how life is. I was so eager to grow up and be on my own that once it happened, I found myself unable to cope with most people.

Like my father, I'd developed something of an anger management problem, I suppose they'd say. It ain't just that, though. I'm angry, yeah, I act it a lot, too. Inside, though, every time I blow up, I cringe, knowing that it ain't the right way to go about things, but… I'd just never learned any better way, I reckon. Then again, when this shit all started and I was just twenty-seven, well, hell, who's completely done growing up at that age?

I'd been in the service since I was fifteen. Now, they don't let you enlist until you're seventeen in these parts, but, I worked out, bulked myself up, and flat out lied to get in and get out of my home. Staying there just wasn't an option anymore. I didn't want to leave my momma with the admiral like that, but I guess in some way, I hoped that either his violence would stop at that point or that without me there to protect, maybe she'd just leave the fucker.

She didn't, though. Found out just a short while after I left home, that the old man had a brain tumor. They got it taken care of and he mellowed a bit afterward. Doctors said it could have been the reason for his behavior over the years, from where it was growing in his head. I don't know about that, though. I'll never trust him completely, and I'll admit that even to this day, I'm terrified of the man. I'm willing to see him, though, since that's really the only way I get to see my momma anymore.

Goddamn, it's emasculating to admit that but… I felt like I still needed my momma on some level. It was like I was angry just out of the misery of feeling like there wasn't anyone on the planet that could understand me like at least she did. I felt alone.

Real damn alone.

As much as I hated that feeling of loneliness, I couldn't break though the shield that I'd put up around myself as a kid. At the end of the day, I had always been alone and I just had kind of accepted that this was the way life was gonna be for me. Yeah, I could gain glory and recognition though what I'd designed and built over the years, for my flight record in the war and such… but none of my popularity was based on who I was as a person. Nope, it was all just about the ships, the engines…

If I'd died, I don't think anyone but my momma would have shed a single tear.

…and maybe, just maybe, that's why I'd been chosen for the space program. I had the know how, I had the dream of going up, but at the end of the day if I died, well, no one would have given a rat's ass and it would have been easy enough for Shin Ra to find the next poor bastard to take my place.

So, I found myself as the one chosen by Shin Ra to oversee the project and to be the world's first astronaut.

The project had been going on for a while at that point, close to a year, when I finally caught sight of Shera Sakamoto. I'd asked one of the other engineers who she was and where she'd come from. The short version was that she was a recent graduate from Midgar and had been put in this project because she possessed certain aptitudes.

I took my time about approaching her, though. I was, on some level, drawn to her from the outset, but I just found it hard to go near her. Basically, I'd watched her from a distance for a while until the day I spotted her in her office, looking at a computer screen. She had managed to get the attention of the other engineers on the project by virtue of her skills and was soon promoted to be directly under my watch.

Curious as to what she was working on, I'd walked up behind Shera and leaned on her desk, seeing that it was the schematics for the oxygen tanks on the rocket. She yelped in fright, but I didn't flinch. Hell, I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just looked at the screen, seeing that she was sitting there, looking up at me, startled and seeming unsure of the situation.

After a little bit, I straightened back up, feeling that I was probably invading her personal space. All I could think of to say was to ask if she was the one that had taken Morris' place.

Stupid, Cid, fuckin' stupid.

I knew damn good and well that she was there because of that.

She continued to look at me like a deer in headlights, nodding a bit and giving me a meek, "Yes".

"Well, try and be less of a fuck up than him, okay?" I said, studying her as best I could. I'd never been this close to the woman before.

Slick there, buddy.

It was then that she did something that most people don't do when they talk to me.

Shera smiled. An honest to God, bright smile, and told me that she was gonna give it all she had.

Not really knowing how to handle that and not wishing to say anything else that might make her dislike me, I turned and left. I went back to doing what I did, but I couldn't get that girl's face out of my mind to save my life.

Plain, no makeup, glasses, and with her hair simply pulled back.

Despite all that, she was damn near the best looking creature I'd ever seen. There was just something there that I couldn't identify at the time. I'd spent most of my life avoiding females socially, except for a few failed encounters, so how I was gonna go about getting anywhere with Miss Shera I didn't know.

Damn it, I was gonna try like hell, though.

Just… I didn't know how. I didn't know how to treat her differently than I treated everyone else.

Weeks went by, and I'd see her around. Always, she offered me that smile and spoke kindly to me. Still, I couldn't think of what to say to her, so often, I'd just remain silent and stare. I may be sharp in some areas, but how I was handling what was going on in my mind about this woman was making me feel like an absolute moron.

The other engineers and such on the program always gave me a wide berth. They spoke to me in a strictly professional tone. For the most part, it was those engineers that really ran the program and I was just there for the final approval of things. Not one of them seemed invested in me as a person, not that I'd ever given any of them reason to be.

Shera wasn't like them. She was never cold to me, even when I just happened to look her way, she would smile and nod slightly. I could see something changing in her as time went on, though. There was something in the way she looked at me, and I started to think that it was fear.

Not fear of me, but a fear for me—at least, that's how I took it.

I realized, or maybe I'd just hoped, that she was getting it. Shera understood that it was my life on the line, not just some cold project like the others saw it.

Feeling that she had, hopefully, more of an interest in me than the others, and seeing it as a way to get her closer to me, when the second in command of the project handed me his resignation, I instantly knew that I wanted Shera to take his place.

That was, in a way, a foolish thing to do. She was one of the greenest members of the team, but she seemed to know her shit forward and backward, and my gut instinct told me to promote her.

So, that's what I did.

Like I'd hoped, she handled the new job like a pro and dove right in. I still avoided saying much to her, but one night as I was working late, I found myself alone in the office with her. I was reworking a few plans and I didn't dare even look at her for the longest time.

Finally, something within me snapped, and that inner voice spoke up.

This is your chance, you son of a bitch! Talk to her! Ain't no one around to see!

I took a deep breath, set down my pencil and looked over at her, pulling off my goggles that I had on for no good reason—as usual.

I couldn't help but be amused to see her sitting there across the room, looking back at me with her face flushed red. "What the fuck you starin' at?"

Goddamnit I'm an ass.

Bulletproof and unflappable, she just kept looking back. "Nothing, Sir."

I couldn't take my eyes off of her and I said the only thing that came to mind. "I'm hungry. Let's get the fuck outta here and get some dinner and call it a night. What do ya say? I'll buy."

There, that seemed to be as good an offer as I could muster. I awaited her answer, wondering if I would be politely refused or not. I braced for her rejection.

"That would be very nice, Captain."

I sat there stunned for a moment, wondering if I'd heard her correctly.

She agreed? Holy shit! She agreed!

I hastily got up and grabbed my jacket, and got us out the door and to the diner just a short distance away. Not able to think of what to say to her, I just smoked like a fiend and kept my eyes on the ground. It was honestly enough for me that she was at my side.

She must have been all right with the silence as well, or at least Shera surely didn't make any effort to say anything during dinner at all. I downed several beers, and she had one as well. Ordered the same thing I did… I thought it was pretty nice.

Finally, I had a cup of tea to try and cut through the buzz that I'd gotten from drinking and glanced at her for a second, trying to think of something, anything, to say. "Rocket's comin' along quicker that I thought it would."

"Well, there are a lot of people working very hard for you," Shera said back in that sweet damn tone of hers.

I laughed slightly. There were a lot of people working very hard, but they sure as hell weren't doing it for me. They were doing it for the prestige of working on the project itself.

She broke the silence. "Captain… why out of all the people that are here did I get this position? I don't feel that I'm the most qualified at all."

Well, damn it, she'd called me on it and I was gonna confess. I looked her straight on and leaned closer. "I chose you, and before you ask me why, I'll outright tell ya. Shera, you ain't the most experienced one on this crew. I know that, you know that. What… shit… I'm gonna admit somethin' to ya and you gotta swear to me right here and now that this conversation never happened, all right? If ya do tell this to anyone, I'll kick your ass offa the program."

For the record, that last bit was a hollow threat. She would have had to have done a lot more than that for me to send her away.

"I won't tell a soul, Sir." She fidgeted with her hands on the table, a nervous habit of hers I was already well aware of.

I sighed a little and made my admittal. "This rocket is my life-- both literally and figuratively. If it fails, I fail. I die if this doesn't go right. There's a lot to be said for many of the very professional, aloof engineers that are workin' on this but… You're the only one on this team, Shera, who don't look at me like they do. To them, I'm just a piece of that machine, and they treat me like it. You don't. You treat me kindly all the time, no matter what I say or heft upon ya. I don't know why y'all are compelled to try and treat me like a friend but… I feel that ya do. Maybe I'm full of shit but…"

But what, Cid? C'mon! Tell 'er you think maybe she's interested in you, and that you're definitely interested in her!

No, I dismissed my inner voice, and carried on in the 'work' direction, not able to look at her any longer. "…out of everyone here, I think you're the only one that remembers that I'm a real person. I think you actually give a fuck about my survival through this. That right there makes you the most qualified one there is to oversee this project. I think it makes you a lot more thorough than many of the others who are just in a rush to see this thing done and go for the glory. You ain't in it for that, though. You're in it… because…"

She took the cue and completed that last thought of mine. "…because I'm the only one who cares about you and not the rocket."

She cares!

I looked up at her again, pleased that she was at least on the same wavelength there. "So I'm not out in left fuckin' field with that, then?"

I watched as she frowned a bit, looking real sad, suddenly. "Not at all, Sir. Your survival has become my greatest concern. I'm terribly afraid."

What I said to her next was true, but a shock to even myself to admit. "Shera… so am I."

There, I'd said it. Naw, not the confession for the fact I had some lame ass crush on the woman, but that when all was said and done, I was honestly afraid of what was gonna happen with that rocket. Having confided this in her actually made me feel better. I didn't quite feel as alone in this whole ordeal.

I looked out the window and toward that damn rocket. The words that came afterward… Hell, I wasn't really doing more than thinking aloud. Maybe I was just trying to justify all this to myself again, in some sort of attempt to disregard my own fears. "Thing is, this is my destiny, one way or another—live or die, failure or success. What happens, happens… and we're just along for the ride. Fate put me here for whatever reason she's got, and I'm here 'til the bitter end."

"Fate…" she repeated after me, in nothing more than a whisper. "So… why has fate pulled me into this?"

I knew what I hoped fate had brought her into this for. I hoped that it was to finally give me someone to have in my life. Naturally, that was the one thing that I couldn't possibly say to her, though. "I dunno… but there's a reason for everythin'. Maybe it's about the rocket… maybe it ain't. Maybe this is just the way life is settin' you up for somethin' else that's gonna be important. Fuck, if I could see the future, Shera, I'd be a rich man for one, and not losin' sleep over this project for another."

She smiled, seemingly amused with that, and I couldn't help but laugh to see that pretty expression on her face.

Knowing that I was in danger of getting real sentimental on her, but aware that she and I weren't close enough yet for any such thing, I paid and got up. "Well, Miss Shera, I'm headin' home. See ya tomorrow."

"Yes, Sir," she piped back, sounding just as sweet as could be.

"Good girl," I said. As I walked by her, I reached out and patted her shoulder. I know it was probably inappropriate to touch a coworker like that but Goddamnit, I had to make some sort of contact with her and I figured that was innocent enough.

Hey, she didn't shrink away from the touch at all, so I took that as some sort of hopeful sign.

I walked home slowly, ragging on myself a little for things that I probably should have said but didn't. Shera was just so damn nice. It confused me. I mean, I knew how to react to people that were cold to me, or that just didn't like me, or that I didn't want to be around. I wasn't sure how to handle this one, though. The fact that I was finding her more and more on my mind wasn't helping the situation at all. I wondered if I was letting my feelings get in the way of my judgement.

I surely hoped that wasn't the case.