Five, er, Six Reports Nathan Stark Wishes Never Crossed His Desk
Written for: Mara in the Yuletide 2006 Challenge
by Merlin Missy
-1-
Project Number 56 Alpha 827: Codename Lilliput
Project Lead: Douglas Fargo
"The first person to crack a joke about shrinkage spends the night in jail," Carter warned them. Because of his condition, he sounded like Minnie Mouse. He cleared his throat and threw his voice lower. "Got it?"
"Wouldn't dream of it," said Allison, sharing a glance with Lupo. Lupo hid her grin better.
"I don't know what you mean," Taggert said proudly. "I've got nothing to be ashamed of."
Carter didn't comment. Instead, he jumped on the intercom button. "Fargo! ETA!"
"Not yet," Fargo said, his voice booming from high above them.
"Can't you just, I don't know, reverse it?"
The sigh blew like a brisk wind. "No. Anyway, I tried that. The test subject, um," and even magnified, the end of his sentence was lost in a mumble.
"What was that?"
"It exploded. The system readjusted the space between the molecules too much."
"Take your time!" yelled Lupo, herself sounding like Minnie on 'roids.
"Fargo," Allison said, leaning hard on the button. "Can you recalibrate the machine to shrink nonliving samples?"
"I can try, but I thought you wanted me to focus on restoring you to normal size?"
"We do," said Allison, "But you can start with shrinking our clothes."
Project Status: On hold
-2-
Project Number Alpha 623: Codename Friday
Project Lead: Walter Perkins
Zoe played with her visitor badge, fiddling it between her fingers nervously. Her dad walked in and out of this place with just a wave to the gate guard --- well, if Allison was with him, he did and otherwise he just flashed his ID, Zoe was sure --- but she had to get her eyeballs scanned.
God, this place was weird.
But she was inside now, waiting to meet the H.R. chick to talk about an internship. She'd brought letters from her teachers, the ones who liked her, and she'd begged Allison to put in a good word, and anyway, how hard could it be?
Okay, it could be way hard, but she was here for the challenge. Making Dad proud was a side perk. That she'd been promised ten bucks an hour to start didn't hurt either.
The H.R. lady was ten minutes late. Zoe looked at the clock and then at the magazines. Time to catch up on the gossip pages, she thought, and then pawed through the stack, finding Journal of the American Electronic Engineering Society and Modern Biochemical Methods but not a single issue of People.
As she sat back in the little plastic chair, she looked out the glass wall separating the Human Resources office from the hallway.
Her dad sprinted by.
Zoe checked out the closed door of the H.R. lady's office, then left her stuff in her chair and followed her dad, reasoning that if he was running that fast, the building was probably burning down somewhere.
As she reached the hub, right beneath Mr. Stark's office, an alarm went off. Her first thought was, Oh my God, I'm in trouble. Her second thought was, That's not for me. Something weird's going on. Her third thought was, That doesn't mean I'm not in trouble.
She turned around. Maybe the H.R. lady would be ready for her now, or she'd be told to evacuate to the next state.
"Zoe!" Her dad was running back her way, and placed his hands on her shoulders as he reached her. "Why're you here?"
"Interview. Remember?"
"Right, right. Just," he breathed, "just go back to where you were and stay there, all right?"
"All right." After their house had tried to kill everyone, she'd learned to take these kinds of instructions on face value.
"Look out!" someone shouted, and her dad grabbed her into a protective hug and pulled her away. Off-balance from the grab, they tumbled to the ground.
Something very heavy landed six inches from her head and dented the floor where she'd been standing.
"Wow." Zoe stretched out a bemused hand to touch the thing that had nearly killed her.
"Don't!" Dad said, a second too late.
A warm, tingly shock went up her arm and she snatched it away.
Snatched ...
From a distance, she watched herself pull her arm back and then stare at the fingers. "Ah, dammit," she heard herself say. Was this what an out-of-body experience was like? Wasn't she supposed to be unconscious or dead or something, and not still moving?
"Whoa," she said, in a low voice that sounded all wrong. Also out loud, and she watched herself react as though she heard, and then it clicked and Zoe looked down and saw she was wearing her father's clothes. She said the first thing that popped into her head:
"I have a date tonight. Don't screw it up!"
Project Status: On Hold
-3-
Project Number 40 Gamma 025: Codename Looking Glass
Project Lead: Nathan Stark
Stark stared at the screen, wondering how best to describe the incident. He'd conned, finagled, and finally cheated his way into access of the artifact. He'd known, he'd known the artifact held the answers to everything he'd wanted to know for his entire life.
He'd known.
And it would all be worth it. Watching his career slither away from pure science, as Henry'd told him daily was the dream, towards the spirit-crushing world of manipulation and management. Allowing his marriage to dissolve over months and years like a piece of rock salt in a not-quite-saturated solution. Selling pieces of his soul in exchange for hope.
He'd known.
So many methods he'd employed to touch the artifact, test it, crack its surface, and all of a sudden during a routine data sampling, it had split along a seam and spread open like the universe's neatest egg. Multiverse's neatest.
Everything was inside. No, really.
Alternate universes crowded inside the artifact, and the word "egg" came to mind again; not a bird's egg, but a chocolate egg filled with candies and surprises.
Touch one, open up a world.
This being Global Dynamics, and his staff being both the smartest people he'd ever known and the least endowed with common sense, they'd touched.
The universe where he and Ally lived in Montana with four kids? Disturbing and appealing, in one emotionally tangled mess.
The universe where he and Sheriff Carter lived in Montana with four kids? Far more disturbing, and the man hadn't been able to look him in the eye since they managed to shove that universe back inside its bubble.
The universes where Callister had lived? Disturbing and painful, but not without some use.
Quarantine had been established, too late to encompass the property but soon enough to keep things inside the town. A few fights, expected, broke out as people met very confused alternate versions of themselves and their friends. The worst fight had been inside Café Diem, involving fourteen sets of the twins.
Most of the mess had been cleaned up, though he was still getting word of sightings of stragglers from other universes. He paused, mind awash in an unwanted image of Henry with a goatee wearing tight black leather pants.
He just hoped the Callister he'd convinced to stay could keep his head down this time.
Project Status: Cancelled, in clean-up stage
-4-
Project Number 5 Alpha 031: Codename Torchwood
Project Lead: Henry Deacon
Additional Information: Coordinated with UK government agency (classified)
A low humming sound filled downtown Eureka, pulsing and growing, centered just outside Café Diem. A large blue box appeared on the sidewalk, with the words "Police Public Call Box" printed on one side at the top.
Just as his calculations had predicted.
The door opened, and a tall man in a black leather jacket emerged, followed by a short blonde woman in coveralls.
Henry grinned and stepped forward, dropping his clipboard and holding out his hand. "Doctor, it's an honor to finally meet you in person."
Project Status: In progress
-5-
Project Number 19 Alpha 201: Codename Smallville
Further Information: Global Dynamics project coordinated with LexCorp. Meteorite samples initially obtained from a classified location in Kansas.
The coolest part, Carter decided, was being able to fly. Sure, the invulnerability had come in handy during Eureka's very first (and foiled) attempted bank robbery. And the X-ray vision certainly had some appeal, though he wasn't the first to realize a sudden brisk trade had sprung up selling pliable lead undergarments. Also spandex.
Still, he hadn't foiled the bank robbery. That had been Kevin, the fastest in town to learn how to control his heat vision. There'd been at least sixteen traffic accidents in the past two days due to drivers not paying attention to their regular sight. The GD infirmary had reported a dozen concussions as high-speed runs ended in collisions.
It was a mess.
But up here, everything was peaceful. He skirted the tops of the trees, opening up his superhearing to listen for any cries for help. None came, and he was unsurprised: only one person in the entire town had been unaffected during the accidental exposure, and this time, it hadn't been him.
A mile away, he saw someone else out for a morning flight. Looking around, he spied three more people at various distances from him, one wobbling pretty badly. The people from the "silent partner" Stark had mentioned said the effects were only temporary, two or three days at most, and everyone was trying to enjoy this while it lasted.
Carter grinned.
Deep in the dark recesses of his other office, Stark --- without powers but never powerless --- meticulously gathered every piece of equipment at his disposal, checked and rechecked his computer files, and wondered if he could convince Fargo to wear green shortpants.
Project Status: Ongoing
-6-
Project Number 98 Beta 006: Codename OMWF
Carter knew it was going to be one of those days. S.A.R.A.H. had been experiencing what Fargo swore on the phone was a minor glitch; his attempted breakfast had been burned kippers and a spinach shake. He didn't even realize the house had that stuff in the pantry.
He waited his turn at Café Diem. "Vincent, please tell me you've got coffee." As Vincent opened his mouth, probably to tell him about this morning's blend, with a snappy reference to the history of coffee, Carter stopped him short.
And then this came out:
"All I want is a proper cup of coffee
Made in a proper copper coffee pot.
I may be off my dot,
But I want a proper coffee in a proper copper pot.
Iron coffee pots and tin coffee pots, they are no use to me.
If I can't have a proper cup of coffee
In a proper copper coffee pot,
I'll have a cup of tea."
He shut his mouth, his face burning in embarrassment. "Did I just ... ?"
Vincent nodded. "Henry?"
Henry crawled out from behind a large jukebox Carter hadn't seen before in the corner. "Transmitter set too high?"
"A tad."
"Hold on. Let me see if I can adjust it." Henry disappeared behind the jukebox again.
Vincent turned to Carter and said apologetically, "It's the newest in karaoke technology. Puts the lyrics right into your head. I thought it might bring people in the evenings."
Carter opened his mouth and waited for more music to come out. None did. He said, "Just keep an eye on that thing, will you? And I still want some coffee."
Lupo was already at the station when he arrived, and thanked him for the extra coffee ("Rabid Arabica"). The first call was from Global Dynamics, though Allison wouldn't say what the problem was.
As he walked into the building, he was surrounded by noise. The scientists of Eureka were exceptionally bright, but very few could carry a tune, though everyone was trying. Two techs he didn't know stood nose to nose, singing at each other:
"Any bug you can build, I can build bigger,
I can build any bug bigger than you!"
"No, you can't!"
"Yes, I can!"
As he hurried past, he found a group of six or seven white-coated and begoggled scientists standing in a circle, blocking the corridor as they harmonized:
"Are you finished with my Western blot?
It's been hours since SDS-PAGE.
Remember we've a target date got:
Steve wants us to do the next stage."
He ran faster. He bumped into Allison just outside Stark's office.
"You're just in time," she said. Fargo burst out of Stark's office, and the harmonizing singers in the hallway moved to give him backup as he sang in a surprisingly strong tenor:
"I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw this on Buffy!"
Carter pulled out his cellphone and dialed the Café. As Vincent answered the phone, in the background, Carter heard several customers singing doo-wop.
"Turn the karaoke machine off! It's affecting everyone! Oh crap.
Out in the company town of Eureka, I fell in love with a DoD girl."
Allison grinned at him as Vincent dropped the phone and, Carter hoped, went to unplug the damned thing.
"There," said Vincent after a moment. "Did it work?"
Project Status: Ongoing
Stark finished looking over the report and then shut down his computer for the evening. As he turned off the light in his office, he couldn't stop the impulse, although he tried:
"I don't know if you can see
The changes that have come over me."
He stopped himself and swore under his breath, and locked the door behind him.
All music copyright the following:
"What I Want Is A Proper Cup of Coffee" - Trout Fishing in America
"Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" - Irving Berlin
"Scarborough Faire" - trad.
"El Paso" - Marty Robbins
"Caledonia" - Dougie Maclean