Chapter 5

Hermione woke from her nap feeling not one whit better. Her stomach ached with hunger—it was past 3 in the afternoon--But worse, her heart ached with sorrow at her decision not to speak to Snape about her love for him. Contrary to what she had thought, making that decision had not given her the peace she sought. Instead, she felt as though she were grieving a death…as if she had killed her heart's desire, and must now bury it in the deepest recesses of her being, never to be heard from again—only, the thing would not stay buried.

Hermione could not believe how much pain this whole situation was causing her.

If this is what it is to be in love, then I will pass, thank you, she thought grimly, tears starting to fall once again. Oh, no! Not again! Not more crying! she thought mournfully.

But, she did not try to stop her tears. Something told her she must allow them, for her own sake…for the sake of her healing. She cried stormily for several minutes, before she realized a small, furry someone was rubbing up against her feet.

"Oh, Crooks!" she cried, reaching down to pick her faithful companion up into her lap. "What ever will I do? I cannot continue to sorrow so!"

Hermione buried her face in Crookshank's neck and breathed in his warm, musky smell. In her anguish, she squeezed him a bit too hard, causing the orange, fluffy, half-kneazle to pull politely away and regard his mistress with thoughtful, yellow eyes.

"Sorry, Crooks," Hermione murmured, stroking the length of her pet's silky sides in apology.

Crookshanks dipped his head, as if in acquiescence, making Hermione feel, not for the first time, that he understood what she had said to him. Because she needed someone to talk to and no one else was present, Hermione went on.

"It just hurts so terribly, Crooks!" she cried, drawing him gently to her again. "I love Severus, but I know he does not return my feelings. I know I will have to get over him if I am to continue to work with him and finish my apprenticeship. But, how do I do that when I must always be in his presence? It would be so much easier if I could go away for awhile!"

Crookshanks offered his comfort by rubbing his flat, feline face lovingly against her hand. As Hermione looked at him in silent distress, he stared at his mistress, as if he was trying to communicate his sympathies to her.

"Thank you," she said softly, planting a kiss on top of Crookshank's fuzzy head.

She could have sworn she saw Crookshanks nod in reply, as he jumped gracefully off her lap and disappeared into the bedroom.

Snape, meanwhile, had also made his decision, and he now felt so nervous about it that he had been compelled to leave his rooms in favor of wandering about the castle. He walked slowly and in a listless manner, his hands clasped behind him, his brow furrowed in cogitation. So occupied was his mind, that he did not see Minerva approaching him until he had almost walked into her.

"Severus!" she said sharply by way of making her presence known.

Snape snapped too immediately, his face full of surprise.

"I am sorry, Minerva!" he said, bowing slightly. "I did not see you."

"That is apparent…" she said with a wry smile. "Deep in thought, were you? I take it that means you have not come to a decision concerning Hermione…"

Snape drew himself up and eyed his superior coldly.

"As a matter of fact, I have," he said in a tone which brooked no further questioning.

"I see," Minerva said coolly, determined not to show her discomfit at his hard stare.

She did not ask what he planned to do.

"Well, good luck with whatever you have decided, Severus," she said stiffly.

Snape felt a bit guilty about holding Minerva at arms length after all that had passed between them in her office that morning. He knew she was not trying to pry…He reached a hand out to touch her arm as she swept past him. She turned to him, her eyes guarded.

"Thank you, Minerva," he said tentatively, his eyes holding hers. "I appreciate your concern."

Immediately, the headmistress's face softened.

"You are welcome," she replied, gently covering his hand with hers for a fleeting moment before going on her way.

Snape allowed himself a small smile as he watched her.

The rest of the day was torturously slow for both Snape and Hermione…for him, because of his anxiousness to speak with his apprentice, and for her, because of the pain she could not get away from. Neither was to know of the other's angst until late that night.

As she had so often of late, Hermione sought her astronomy tower refuge at around midnight. She felt so heart sore that she almost did not make it to the tower before she burst into tears…again. But, even in her pain, Hermione found she could appreciate the soft, late spring breeze, and the luminescent star light. They were like balm to her harrowed up soul.

With desperate, halting steps she moved to her usual place at the balustrade, and leaning on it heavily, turned her pained gaze up to look at her silent but beautiful friends, the stars.

"I am glad to see you," she whispered.

"I am glad to see you, too," a deep, resonant voice answered from behind her.

Hermione started and turned to face her unannounced visitor, her eyes wide with shock.

"Severus! You startled me!" she cried, wiping her eyes and trying to appear as if she had not been crying.

Snape watched the futile attempt before he stepped closer to her, his eyes never leaving hers.

"What is the matter, Hermione?" he asked, his voice more tender than she had ever heard it. "Why do you weep?"

Hermione only stared at him, disbelief in her soft brown eyes. Snape smoothly extracted a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her with a gentle smile.

"I never seem to have a handkerchief when I need one, do I?" she chastised herself in a whisper, casting her eyes down.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "How many times have you cried today?"

Feeling embarrassed, she took his offering and pressed it to her eyes, laughing nervously.

"More times than I care to recount," she murmured.

"Why?" he asked simply. "It cannot be because of our…disagreement earlier, can it?"

He had positioned himself beside her at the balustrade during his inquiry. His face was turned away from her, so she could not read his expression. She had a feeling he was hiding from her purposefully. She did not reply.

"I saw the wolfsbane potion on my desk," he continued in soft, almost caressing tones. "And, I read your letter…"

Hermione looked over at him quickly. He had turned his eyes to hers, but his expression was unreadable.

"I thank you for your apologies, but…" He heaved a sigh. "I believe it is I who should apologize."

Hermione fought to keep her jaw from dropping with her astonishment. Had Severus Snape just offered a sincere apology to her? Snape laughed softly.

"You would make a terrible spy, Hermione," he said, one side of his mouth curving with amusement.

Hermione let out a laugh. "Yes, I suppose I would," she agreed. "I have just never heard you apologize before. I did not think it possible." she said, her cheeks reddening slightly at her boldness. She did not, however, lower her eyes.

Snape gazed at her for a moment, a look on his face that Hermione could not identify.

"I think you will hear many things from me shortly that you did not think to hear," he said, his eyes glinting.

"I accept your apology," she said softly, her eyes full of wonderment.

"Thank you," he replied.

He found himself wishing to take her hand, to bypass these games and just pour his heart of love out to her, but he could not screw up the courage. So…

"I was here last night," he said abruptly, almost breathlessly. "I saw you…I heard you…"

Hermione gasped, laying one shaking hand over her open mouth. Her face had gone pale, her eyes wide as saucers. Snape could see her shame, her desperate wish to run from him.

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked breathlessly.

"I am sorry," he said, his eyes dropping closed as the forefinger and thumb of one hand gently pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment. "I have been tactless. I am handling this badly."

Hermione was backing away from him, ready to run as soon as her legs stopped shaking.

"Do not go, Hermione," he said, his voice pleading. "I did not mean to upset you…"

Hermione found her voice.

"You heard me?" she cried in a high pitched squeak. "Oh, gods!"

"Listen to me, Hermione," he said moving toward her, reaching out to her.

But, she was now insensible. She gave him one, last haunted look and bolted for the doorway, but Snape was too quick for her. In an instant she was struggling in his arms wildly.

"Let me go!" she shrieked. "Let me go!"

But, Snape silently held on to her flailing form with all his might. She was crying almost hysterically, and hitting viciously at his shoulders and chest, but he said nothing. He was determined to hold her until she had worn herself out. It did not take long.

Soon, she had collapsed into his embrace, sobbing brokenly.

"Oh, gods. Oh, gods. Oh, gods," she whimpered, her hands clutching the front of his robes, her tormented face buried in his chest.

Snape felt as if his heart would break for her. Why had he blurted her secret out at her like that? What had he been thinking?

I am a bigger dunderhead than any of my students ever thought to be!

For some moments he just held her, gently stroking her soft, chestnut curls.

"I am so sorry, Hermione," he whispered consolingly. "I should not have…What I am trying to say is that…"

She pulled back to look at him, sudden understanding in her eyes.

"Just say it, Severus. Please just say it," she entreated, a soft smile on her lips.

Snape felt his heart skip a beat. He could plainly see her heart in her eyes.

"I wanted to tell you that I…I love you, Hermione," he said in low, loving tones.

"Oh, Severus!" she squealed, throwing herself into his arms once more. "Can this be real?" She squeezed him to her, letting rapture replace her anguish.

"It is real," he replied, taking her chin into one, long-fingered hand. "Look at me, Hermione."

She did as he bid her without hesitation. For a moment, his black eyes glinted at her with warm regard. He felt his heart swell with his love for her.

"There is much we must discuss before this goes any further," he pronounced, trying not to sound as fearful as he felt.

"All right, Severus," she acceded, puzzlement clearly written on her face.

Taking her hand, he led her to a small stone bench just steps away from their current position. After they both were seated, he gazed upon her and thought how beautiful she looked in the moonlight. She looked so innocent, so trusting, her eyes so full of love light. And, he wondered for the umpteenth time that day how it was that she could love someone like him. Then, he hoped with all his being that he was not about to chase her away.

Now, holding both her small hands in his larger ones, he hesitated to speak.

"What is it, Severus?" she asked, looking wary.

"I just wanted to be sure you knew what you were getting yourself into, if you throw your lot in with me," he said, looking down at their intertwined hands.

"What do you mean?" she asked, gently stroking the top of his hands with her thumbs.

Snape felt electricity shoot through him at her touch, but he pressed on.

"Hermione, I was a death eater in my youth…" he began.

"I know that," she said softly, squeezing his hands now.

"I am a spy for the Order," he went on.

"I know that, too," she countered again.

"I have to do distasteful things in order to keep the Dark Lord convinced that I am still loyal," he said huskily, his shame evident by his inability to meet her eyes. "Sometimes, I must do very distasteful things," he pressed, wanting her to fully understand him.

She was silent until he finally looked up at her, his eyes painfully questioning.

She smiled a sad smile.

"I know, my love," she said gently. "I am so sorry you are in such a position." She reached a hand out to push a bit of his hair away from his pain darkened eyes.

"You are sure you will not be bothered by my," he looked down again, "activities?"

It was her turn to lift his face to her gaze with one of her small, but surprisingly firm hands. He could not miss her determinedly loving look.

"No, Severus," she said definitely. "I am not bothered for myself, at all. I hurt for you, though. I long for you to be free from such odious duties." She stroked his cheek softly. "I admire you for being willing to suffer for the sake of the common good. I would not presume to judge your actions, because I know your heart. It is noble, and dedicated, and just…"

Snape stood suddenly, moving agitatedly back to the balustrade. He could not look at her.

"You make me out to be some kind of saint, Hermione!" he cried. "I cannot allow you to do it! I am no saint! Don't you understand? The things I do unwillingly now, I used to participate in whole-heartedly!"

Hermione was beside him in an instant. This was a defining moment, and she refused to let him run from her.

"But, you only prove my point!" she exclaimed. "Your heart is no longer in it, Severus! And, I am only concerned with your heart! Your heart is all I want!"

Snape swung around suddenly and gathered her into his arms and crushed her to him tightly.

"You have my heart, you ridiculous girl!" he said lovingly, desperately. "You will always have it!"

Hermione snaked her arms around his waist and held him as tightly as he was holding her.

"This will be a dangerous proposition," he whispered into her hair. "If Lord Voldemort found out about us, I shudder to think…"

"I am not afraid," she replied, closing her eyes and enjoying to the full his arms around her.

"We will have to keep our relationship a secret, love. No one but, Minerva must know."

"Minerva?" Hermione questioned, but did not remove herself from his arms.

"I…I spoke to her today," he admitted very reluctantly.

Hermione did pull away just enough to grin up at him slyly. She thought she saw him color slightly, and a grimace come on his face.

"Did you?" she asked playfully. "Did you seek advice on the matter?" Her eyes were laughing.

Snape squirmed under her teasing.

"I might have," he said, watching her to gauge her reaction.

She only giggled and hugged him to her again.

"I think it is wonderful," she proclaimed, smiling as she felt him relax into her. "No one else will know until it is safe, if you think it best," she affirmed

"I do," he answered. "Thank you for your understanding."

"You are welcome," she said, looking up at him. "And now, are we done with this conversation? Have you any other concerns?"

"I do not think so. Why?"

"Well," she said, her eyes suddenly smoldering. "I was wondering when you might kiss me."

Snape started and looked distinctly uncomfortable. Hermione felt immediately foolish.

"I'm s-s-sorry," she stammered, looking down. "If you do not wish to…"

"Hermione, I love you. Of course I wish to kiss you. It is just…" She looked up at him sharply. He was coloring again.

"What is it, Severus?" she asked gently.

"I have never been with a woman," he said huskily. "At least, not with one who was willing to be with me." His face darkened with crippling guilt, as he tried to pull away from her. Self-loathing emanated from his every pore.

But, Hermione only pulled him to her again.

"No, Severus, don't," she pleaded. "I stand amazed at your honesty. That cannot have been easy to admit. But, I told you, I am not afraid of your past. Please, know that I will never run away from you…And, I am most willing to be with you."

With that, she stood on tip toes and very softly pressed her lips to his. Snape stiffened.

"It is all right, love," she whispered encouragingly against his lips. "Just relax. Just let me love you."

He shuddered, but did not pull away. Slowly he wrapped his arms around her waist and let his lips fall to hers once more. She gently entangled her fingers in his hair, and was rewarded with his soft groan. His lips moved more naturally over hers now. And, she returned his kiss enthusiastically for several seconds before they parted.

"Oh, my!" she murmured, resting her head on his chest and endeavoring to steady her weak knees.

"I agree," he said hoarsely, a self-satisfied smile on his lips.

He had not known that kissing a woman could be like that. Somehow he knew that for him, it would only be that wonderful when the woman he was kissing was Hermione.

"I love you, Severus."

"I love you, too, Hermione."

They stood together for some time, just basking in one another's presence and letting the moon and stars minister to them.

They both knew that when they left the tower the real struggles would begin. They did not know how long they would have to fight. They did not know how long the fates would grant them to be together. The only thing that mattered was this moment, now. The moment of their declaration and commitment…the moment when their hearts became one…

It was a moment each of them would remember for the rest of their lives.

Finis