Under the Skin – Chapter 14

Rodney's day went quickly. Hours blending one into the next until he discovered one Air Force Colonel lounging in his doorway around 2000 hours.

Eyeing him, he continued to work, his right hand plugging away at entering the figures he needed to complete a project he'd been working on.

"Hey, Rodney," Sheppard drawled.

"Oh," he said glancing up for a seconds before turning back to the laptop screen, "you're still there."

"Yeah, I got tired of letting my second-in-command win the paper airplane races, so I figured I'd come look for dinner company."

"I'm not hungry and I grabbed something before," he said, refusing to look up.

"Before as in lunch a few hours ago? Cause I don't think that counts. Not to mention we need to go over the mission prep so you have time to get ready."

That made him pause mid-keystroke, his head snapping up. "What mission prep?"

"Carson cleared you, and Ronon's getting antsy. Lorne and I went over the schedule for the next few weeks, and I put us down to go check out an uninhabited planet in the database. It'll be good to get back out as a team. I e-mailed you the designation so you can see if there's anything in particular you want to check out. We ship out at 0800 day after tomorrow. You usually like to go over what we're looking for ahead of time, so how about over dinner?"

"Beckett cleared me? Well, that's news. Glad someone actually decided to share it with me," he said scowling, aiming his gaze back to the screen trying to figure out where he'd left off.

"I'm here to tell you now. I asked him this afternoon, and he told me I could schedule us. Who knows, maybe this will be the plant we finally find the hidden cache of charged ZPMs."

"ZedPMs and highly doubtful."

"Never know if we don't try." Sheppard had moved to the table, sitting on it, and was swinging his legs slightly.

Rodney glanced up again. "Don't you have somewhere else to be? Some people are actually trying to concentrate here."

"Nope. You're usually badgering me to come down more and turn stuff on for you. Don't you have any cool laser death rays or anything?" Sheppard grinned at him.

"No. And most stuff I can turn on myself, thank you very much," he said, narrowing his eyes. "Was there something else you wanted?"

"Not really. I finished up what I was doing, and thought I'd come talk you into dinner."

"And I thought we'd discussed that part already. Thanks, but no, I'm not hungry and I'm busy, so you can just run off and find another playmate for the evening."

Sheppard sighed. "Fine, I'll be in my quarters if you change your mind. Don't forget to check out the planet info. Briefing is tomorrow afternoon."

"I will. Thanks for the heads up," he said, listening as Sheppard's footfalls echoed down the hallway, the sound fading away.

He turned back to his computer, squinting at the screen as he tried to remember, tried to pull the memory from where it was hidden.

Closing his eyes, he pushed the heel of his left hand to his forehead, trying to shove the headache away. He had to finish this, this stupid project that would have normally taken him an hour he'd been working at for most of the afternoon.

It was embarrassing. Humiliating. All too expected.

"Why are you trying so hard?" Radek's voice drifted across the empty lab.

Startled, Rodney dropped his hand, turning toward the origin of the voice. "What? I thought you left."

"I have been here watching for hours."

"Oh." He turned back to the computer screen, hoping the dim light hid any signs of the flush on his cheeks. "I need to get this completed so we can move to the next stage."

"You are trying too hard."

"I'm doing the best I can," Rodney snarled, turning his attention to Radek who'd managed to approach the lab table quietly. "And I don't need you of all people telling me I'm working too hard."

Radek reached over and pushed the laptop closed. "I did not say you were working too hard. I said you were trying too hard. Doctor Beckett did not give me all the details, but I do know your memories have been jumbled. As scientist, you should know that volatile compounds need time to settle after agitation. Why do you insist that all must be fixed immediately?"

"I need," he said, pushing the laptop back open, stabbing at the keys, "to finish this."

"Why? It has waited a week, it can wait another day. Rodney, I made the device that unscrambled the brain of Ancient possessing you. Then I helped design protocols that allowed said Ancient to be transferred out of your body. Then I watched as we almost lose you to first chair, then lingering remnants of Ancient. Even your brain must rest before returning to full use." He pushed the laptop closed again, and this time slid it away.

"Radek," he growled, reaching for the laptop again, only to have it taken off the table and out of his reach.

"You are my boss, yes, but also my friend. Not to mention, if you injure yourself now, they will ask me to do your job again." He shuddered. "I do not wish to have your job, and I do not wish to see you so frustrated. Call it a night, let your mind rest, and tomorrow perhaps you will have more sorted out."

"Fine." He rose to his feet, stomping toward the door. "I'll remember this," he said. "Kicking your boss out of his lab doesn't look good on personnel reports."

Radek sighed. "Doctor Beckett feels too guilty to do it again, and you chased Colonel Sheppard away. That leaves me to do dirty work."

"I'll remember that, too," he growled, glancing over his shoulder as he reached the door. Shaking his head, he walked out of the labs and headed to the nearest transporter, stabbing his finger at the location closes to his quarters. At least they couldn't kick him out of his own room and he did have a computer in there.

Striding out of the transporter on the other end, he was surprised to see both Carson and Sheppard standing at his door—both looking annoyed and frustrated.

"Why won't you just leave me alone?"

"Maybe because we're worried about you?" Carson asked.

"There's nothing to be worried about," he said, stalking past him and into his quarters, the two following behind. "And I don't appreciate you making Zelenka kick me out of my own lab."

"Zelenka kicked you out? And here I thought maybe you had just come to your senses." Sheppard idly walked over to the desk, propping his hip against it and blocking access to the computer.

Rodney scowled, knowing exactly why Sheppard had picked that location. "Are we done? Cause I know I am."

"Rodney, talk to us. Bottling everything up is'na healthy." Carson was leaning against the wall in front of the door, just as effectively blocking the only way out.

"Isn't that what we're doing right now, talking?" Rodney crossed his hands over his chest, scowling at both of the men standing in his quarters.

"That isn't what he meant and you know it." Sheppard stared at him.

"What? What do you want me to say?" he asked, turning back to the Colonel, his hands beginning to wave. "Do you want me to say that I'm scared, that I'm worried that I might not be able to do my job, that Elizabeth might have to pack me up and ship me home because I might be a little bit more broken than a normal person should be? Do you want me to tell you that I'm terrified that I'm going to make such a big screw up that not only am I going to destroy a solar system, but I'll take out a good portion of a galaxy along with the only people who I've considered to be friends, family even? Do you want me to admit that I'm frightened by the possibility that both of you know way too much about me, even more than I'm comfortable dealing with and it's my crap, my life? What the hell do you want from me?"

As he took a breath he vaguely realized he was shaking, his heart pounding in his chest.

Both men had moved to his side, Carson gently pushing him onto the bed, between them. "Rodney, lad, it's going to be okay."

"No, it's not," he said, his voice trembling a little. "It's far from okay, so far from okay that it's approaching horrible."

They each had a hand one of his arms. "First of all, no one's sending you anywhere. If they try, they have to go through me. Second of all, everything's still in there. Carson just jumbled it up a bit. Give it time to settle back down."

"I don't know," he said, the words quiet and laced with panic and desperation. "I just don't know. I can't tell."

"Then trust us." Carson reached up to pull his head around, forcing him to look him in the eye. "Nothing of you is gone. I made sure of that. But in doing so I had to touch every memory, every thought you have in you. Your mind is trying to sort out what's old and can go back to long-term memory, and what's new and needed at the moment. It will take a few days, Rodney, but you have to trust us. Don't close yourself off, it will only make it worse."

Rodney snorted. "I honestly don't think it can get much worse."

"So then why keep fighting it? Why not actually let us help, try talking through some of the memories so you can get it all sorted out. You said yourself it can't get worse, so maybe this will help it get better." Sheppard squeezed his arm.

He lowered his head and closed his eyes. Maybe they'd all just go away. The words, when he finally said them, were whispered, desperate, and full of pain. "Because I don't know how."

"By talking. What's the earliest memory you have at the moment?" Carson's voice was encouraging.

He shook his head, refusing to look up. "I don't know. There's so many."

"So pick one at random. What about your sister? What do you remember about her?"

He answered quickly, before the memory could drift away. "She cried, all the time."

"Why?" Sheppard's voice had taken on a soothing tone, and both men had their hands on his back, giving him a physical anchor.

"Colicky, I think," he said, shrugging, warmed radiating from his friends' hands. "Always hungry. Mom was always yelling, complaining about it. Dad didn't want to hear it."

"What else?" Carson asked.

"What else?" he asked, opening his eyes to glare at Carson. "What do you mean what else?"

Carson gave him a small, encouraging smile. "What else do you remember about her?"

He shook his head, looking away again. They didn't need to know how much she hated him, despised him.

"Come on, Rodney, don't shut us out. You said you can't get everything sorted out, that you're afraid of what you might have lost. Let us help you work through it." Sheppard's voice held a hint of command and a hint of pleading.

"You want the sad display of a dysfunctional family? I don't think so."

"It's nothing we can'na handle. And bottling it up is doing you no good. In fact, that's probably why you're having so much trouble. Repressed emotions you haven't dealt with in years are all right on the surface now. So lets deal with them and get it out, then you won't have to worry about it anymore."

"I don't want to deal with them," he said, his voice rising in volume as he pushed off from the bed, headed for the small in-suite bathroom. He managed to get into the small room, closing and locking the door behind him, setting the mental lock-down command. "Just leave me alone."

He heard muted voices from outside the door, then Sheppard's voice, loud enough to carry. "All right, we can wait. I locked your front door, and you know Atlantis likes me and won't open it until I ask. Carson and I'll be here when you're ready to talk."

He didn't answer, instead wrapping his hands around his chilled body. At least he had some peace and quiet, he thought, his eyes drifting around the small space. At least here they couldn't get to him, couldn't make him talk about his life, about every horrible little thing that had happened.

Eyeing the shower, he reached in and turned it on, adjusting the controls mentally before shrugging off his clothes and stepping in, letting the hot water warm him. He washed himself methodically, mechanically, allowing his mind to slow, to drift, allowing the memories to sort.

He rinsed off and then leaned against the wall, letting the spray hit his tense back muscles, pounding away before he turned and slid down the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest. Huddling in the corner, he leaned his head against the wall, his eyes open and unfocused, the water cascading down on him. He nudged the temperature up a few degrees and settled in, wishing, not for the first time, that he had a cat.

xxx

Carson slid to the floor, leaning his back against the bed and stretching his feet out. He watched as the Colonel leaned the desk chair as far back as it would go, his feet propped up on the bed. "You do realize that once word gets out that we spent the night locked in Rodney's room, people will talk."

Sheppard shrugged. "Not the first time," he said. "You should see some of the message boards."

"I din'na think I want to." He cocked his head as the sound of the shower drifted out from the locked bathroom. "This could take a while."

Sheppard listened for a minute before replying. "How long do you think he'll stay in there?"

Carson sighed. "A while probably. He has a lot of family issues, and I suspect that's the main portion of his discomfort right now. He's spent the better part of his adult life ignoring those memories, and now they've all been thrust up to the surface all at once."

"So, overload in a way."

"Aye." Carson listened to the sound of the water, and realized he was starting to doze a bit. He had worked a full day before coming with Sheppard to confront Rodney. He shook himself, trying to wake up. "I wish there was something more I could do to help him."

"If we really have to, I can probably force Atlantis to open the door, but I'd rather that be for a last resort," he said, frowning. "I'm not sure we can help him sort through the mess he's got up there."

"No, don't force the door unless we start to get into tomorrow morning and have to worry about his hypoglycemia. For now, just make sure he can't sneak out if we both fall asleep. He needs to deal with this, otherwise it's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Sheppard was silent for a few minutes, his expression thoughtful. "How much did he eat at lunch with you?"

"I made him eat about half of it, nutritious stuff fortunately. Why?"

"That was around 1200?"

"Aye. Did you not tell me he said he grabbed something though? Maybe he had something to eat later in the lab. Radek would know. He's been keeping an eye on Rodney as well."

"Radek said McKay hasn't been away from his desk all day apart from the trip you made him take to the mess. I asked him. And now it's going on 2200."

Carson did the math in his head, knowing how long a reaction would take. "Give him until 2400. He had enough at the party and lunch to hold him at least that long. Or if the shower doesn't shut off in another fifteen minutes, you can force the door. I have a PowerBar in my pocket, and I'm assuming you do too. We can get him to eat, get him dressed, then let him lock himself back in if that's what he wants."

"Okay, Doc," Sheppard said. "That might also explain some of his shakiness before."

Carson pushed himself up off the floor. They should at least give him some warning. "Rodney, this is Carson. We know you have'na eaten since lunch, and I'm worried about a reaction. I don't want to force our way in, but I also din'na want to see you back in the infirmary again."

Sheppard watched him, his face not showing his surprise when there was no answer.

Carson sighed, the complete lack of reaction had him more worried than he was before. "All right, see if you can open the door, but stay out here. We don't need to traumatize him anymore than necessary, and it isn't like I have'na seen him before."

"You and me both, Doc," Sheppard said with a sigh. Feeling Carson's wide-eyed gaze he shrugged, ducking his head. "Multi-day off-world missions and some scary-ass aliens who required us in our skin. Don't give me that look."

"And you wonder why there are rumors." Carson shook his head, but grabbed a robe he found hanging near the bathroom door. "All right, open it up."

"Don't make faces. We just manage to get some of the more…interesting missions."

"I just find it interesting that it always seems to be you and Rodney who find yourselves in compromising situations. Teyla and Ronon seem to do a fine job of avoiding them."

"I think the natives take one look at them and know not to mess with them. We on the other hand…" Sheppard shrugged, sitting up straight. "So, are you ready? It might take me a minute or so to get past whatever Rodney's put in place."

Carson grinned at him, then got serious again. "Aye, get me in there to check on him. If he is having a reaction, every second counts."

Sheppard nodded and closed his eyes, obviously concentrating. A few moments passed before he smiled slightly. "So that's what you did. Clever, McKay," he muttered.

Carson felt one eyebrow go up, but he didn't say anything that would break the man's concentration.

"Doc," Sheppard said, opening his eyes, "you might want to contact whoever's in the infirmary. I'm going to have to force the door with a medical emergency override. McKay didn't leave me any other options."

Carson sighed. "Let's see what kind of condition he's in first. My staff can be here in a moments notice, and I can hold him stable until they get here."

"No, my override will trigger an alarm in the infirmary. Might want to tell them to ignore it."

"So that's why the bloody alarms start going off before we've been told anything is wrong." He muttered to himself. Then he reached up to tap his radio on. "Doctor Biro, this is Carson, we have a situation in Rodney's quarters—he's locked himself in and we're going to have to use a medical override to unlock the doors. Ignore the alarms for now. Yes, I'll explain later. Carson out." He nodded at Sheppard that he was ready.

He nodded, closing his eyes again. "Ready, set…go."

And the doors slid open, a cloud of steam rolling out.

Carson moved in, mentally shutting off the shower, a spike of panic going through him at the form he could see huddled in the shower. "Rodney? I need you to respond if you can."

"Go away." The two words were whispered and slurred a little.

"Thank God, he's still conscious," Carson muttered to himself. "Aye, I'll leave you alone in a moment, but you're on the verge of a hypoglycemic reaction. I need you to eat a little something, and drink some water, then I'll leave you to lock yourself back in if that's what you want." He kneeled down next to Rodney, holding out the robe and a PowerBar he pulled out of his pocket.

Rodney shoved the bar away, leaning a little more into the wall. "Not hungry." A moment later he replied, vaguely looking around as a chill made his body shiver. "Cold. Why is it cold?"

Since the room was filled with hot steam, Carson began to worry. He tossed the robe over the prone form, and dropped to his knees next to him. "It only feels cold because your body is starting to shut down. Please, Rodney, I know you want some time to think, but I don't want you to get sick in the process. You need to eat this, and possibly a second one, and drink a little water. You'll feel better, and then you can be alone in here again."

He shivered again, curling up a little more.

"Doc?" Sheppard asked quietly, hovering near the door.

"Get your PowerBar unwrapped and a cool glass of water ready," Carson said tightly. "Rodney, come on lad, work with me here." He broke off a small piece of the bar, putting it against Rodney's lips.

"I spotted some electrolyte-enhanced water in his quarters. Will that help?"

"Perfect." He was focused on Rodney, trying to get him to open his lips and accept the food.

They parted slowly, allowing Carson to shove the piece in. A bottle appeared a few seconds later.

Carson reached blindly for the bottle, bringing it to Rodney's lips next. "Take a sip, then another piece."

McKay obeyed, his eyes closing as he swallowed the water. Another piece of the protein bar made its way into his mouth and he chewed.

"Doc, do you want his glucose tabs? I can probably find some." Sheppard was still hovering, a little closer than before from the sound of his voice, but just as worried.

"Aye, if you can find them, I'll take one. That will help get him stable faster." Part of Carson's brain idly noted that he was now soaking wet, the steam plastering his hair to his head. He pushed another small piece of bar against his friend's lips. "Come on, Rodney, keep eating."

Sheppard shuffled out of the bathroom as McKay opened his mouth again, accepting another piece of the chewy bar even as he shivered.

Carson started rubbing one hand along his arms, trying to get the circulation flowing through the astrophysicist's limbs as the other continued to push food on Rodney. He felt Sheppard behind him again, handing him a glucose pill. Instead of a bite of bar, that was the next thing pushed to Rodney's lips. "Here you go, this will help. Take it with a bit more water."

Rodney nodded slightly, but obeyed the order, swallowing it down. "Cold."

"I know. Once these hit your system, you'll start to warm up. Colonel, can you grab a blanket from the other room?"

"What happened to his robe?" Sheppard asked, but moved, striding out of the small room.

"It's still here, but it does'na cover him completely. I want to try and keep him from getting chilled."

"Carson," Rodney asked, his voice quiet. "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to keep you out of the infirmary again, lad. You're very close to a bad hypoglycemic reaction. If you want, you can try to finish this PowerBar on your own, or I can keep feeding it to you."

"Feeding…" He scowled a little, forehead furrowing.

Carson held up the half-gone bar. "You were going into shock when we got in here and barely responding." He took Rodney's hand and put the rest of the food in it. "I need you to eat that now."

Rodney glanced at the silver-wrapped bar and put it to his mouth, taking a small bite and chewing.

"Good." Carson looked up as the Colonel came back in with the blanket. He took it, and turned back to Rodney. "Are you still feeling cold? If so, pull this around you."

"Um…" he began, looking up from the protein bar and toward his friend. "Cold…and wet."

"Aye, you were huddled in the shower with the water still running. Here," He wrapped the blanket around Rodney, covering him robe and all. "Once you get that down, I'll let you try to stand and get dried off and dressed. Then I want you to eat another PowerBar, and finish off this water."

It took a while, several minutes, before the bar disappeared, leaving the empty wrapper in Rodney's shaking hands.

"Good. Feeling better now?" Carson took the wrapper and handed him the bottle of water.

"Little," he said, eyeing the bottle strangely.

"You need to get some fluids in you too. Drink a bit of that, then let's get you up off this floor."

He scowled, but listened, managing to spill as much as he drank. He finally gave up a few minutes later, letting the still half-full bottle tumble from his fingers.

Carson caught it, sighing since half the water in the bottle was now on his lap. He stood, careful not to jostle Rodney in small shower stall. "Colonel, can you help me get him up? I want to get him dried off and dressed. Once we get him out, see if you can find a pair of loose pants and a tee-shirt."

Sheppard nodded, immediately sliding past Carson and into the stall, manhandling the physicist upright. McKay didn't protest—too much—but quickly quieted under Carson's reassurances.

"It's all right. Come on, let's get you out of here." He caught Sheppard's eye and they moved Rodney into the bedroom, got him seated on the bed. Carson used the blanket to start quickly drying him off. He saw the second PowerBar nearby on the bed where the Colonel had thrown it at some point, and he grabbed it, ripping it open and pushing it into Rodney's hand. "Eat this one too. You need to get a bit more into your system."

"But—" he protested, shivering.

"Eat. Please, get that down."

He looked up, eyes glancing back and forth between the two men, before he nodded slowly, taking a half-hearted bite. "Can't…I just…sleep?"

"Aye, you can, as soon as you get that down and we get you into dry clothes. I want to make sure you won't crash again overnight." Sheppard had finally found what he was looking for, bringing over the loose, worn sweatpants and a university sweatshirt. "Do you think you can dress yourself, or do you want me to help?"

Rodney glanced from the bar to Carson, taking long enough that the doctor just answered the question himself.

"Right, you're still not quite all here yet. All right, let's get you dressed."

Sheppard helped and McKay didn't make it too difficult, allowing the two men to work. Pulling the sweatshirt over McKay's damp hair, Sheppard shook his head. "This is…different," he commented quietly.

"His brain hasn't kick-started yet. As all that sugar we're feeding him catches up, he'll start to snap out of it." Carson muttered back. Once they had him dressed, he tossed the soggy blanket and robe aside. "All right, finish eating that. I'm not letting you do anything else until it's gone."

Rodney nodded, the bar slowly disappearing. His eyes, though, never left Beckett. "You're wet," he finally said.

Carson chuckled. "Aye, just a bit. I'll be all right though. Just keep eating."

"I am."

Carson nodded then looked over at Sheppard. "I don't suppose there are any more bottles of that water where you found the first one. More got spilled on him, than got in him, and I want to make sure he's hydrated."

"There were a few," Sheppard said, moving toward the closet, digging inside. He returned with another bottle.

"Hey, that's mine," McKay protested, watching as Sheppard pulled off the plastic top.

Carson took it and set it on the table in reaching distance. "Aye, he's opening it for you. Once you finish that PowerBar, I want you to drink this."

"He's rooting around in my stuff."

"It's for a good cause. Stop paying attention to the Colonel and finish that." He pointed to the little bit of bar left in Rodney's hand.

"But that's my stuff. And why are you here anyway?" he asked, the last piece finally finding its way to his mouth.

Caron felt his face go slack with a bit of surprise. "Rodney, what do you remember last?"

"I was thinking…in the shower. I always think well in the shower."

"And what did you think about?"

He shrugged, pulling his feet up onto the bed. "Lots of things. But that's nothing new."

Carson fought down his exasperation. "Rodney, you locked yourself in the bathroom and went into shock in the shower. I need to know a bit more details about what you remember last other than just thinking in the shower."

"But that's what I was doing," he mumbled, staring at Carson. Realization dawned a few moments later. "Oh."

Carson ran one hand across his face, pushing his damp hair out of his eyes. "Rodney..."

"I kinda freaked a little…didn't I?"

"Just a bit. You've been through a lot lately though, so it's understandable. We just want to help you, Rodney. We're your friends."

He covered his face with his hands. "God," he said finally, peering up at Sheppard. "Can you get another glucose tab?"

John silently grabbed another one out the bottle, handing it to Carson, who held it out for Rodney. "How are you feeling now? You sound like you're past the worst of it."

"Still a little shaky. This will help, but I might need something a little more substantial than PowerBars."

"You of all people should no better than to skip meals." Carson sighed, then looked up at Sheppard. "Colonel, can you see about getting an actual meal brought here? Something with protein and vegetables involved."

He nodded, already moving toward the door. "I'll be right back," he said, striding out into the hall, the door sliding shut behind him.

Carson pulled a chair over to drop into, not wanting to get Rodney's bed any wetter than it already was. "So come to any earth shattering conclusions before you went into shock?"

"Sorted a few things, I think," he said after a few moments, his gaze unfocused, eyes aimed somewhere over Carson's shoulder. He lowered them a few beats later. "Sorry about…" He waved his hand.

"You've nothing to be sorry about lad. That's what we're here for—to help."

He shrugged and ducked his head. "I guess."

Carson just sighed. "Rodney, the Colonel and I locked ourselves in your room to try and get you to talk, and I'm soaking wet from sitting in a shower coaxing you to eat since I knew you didn't want to land in my infirmary again. What part of 'we consider you to be a close friend if not closer' do you not understand? My family is generally the only ones I spend this much time on."

He looked at Carson, before turning his head away, red highlighting his cheeks. He mumbled something Beckett didn't quite catch.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you?" He sat up a little, letting some of his concern show.

He turned, flushing a little more. "I said I'm not used to the suffocating attention you're showing."

Carson leaned back, closing his eyes briefly. "We're worried about you. You've not been eating, and after we almost lost you... Can you blame us for our concern?"

"I've just…always taken care of myself. Had no choice, really. This is…sometimes a little more than I can take."

"I know, and I wish I could go back and fix that for you. But I can't. All I can do is be here for you now. You aren't alone anymore; you don't have to take care of yourself without support anymore."

Rodney looked down, studying his fingers, a shiver running through him.

"You should be drinking. I don't know how much liquid you've had since I released you, so try to get that bottle down." He slumped into the chair, glancing at his watch. It was now 2700—midnight in Pegasus. "The Colonel should be back soon with real food. Once I'm satisfied you'll be okay through the night, I'll let you get some sleep."

"I had some coffee," he said absently, after taking a swallow of the water.

"Not good enough. You need to get other liquids in you occasionally you know."

"Coffee's a liquid."

"It has no real value at all. Your body needs water on a regular basis that isn't loaded with caffeine."

McKay sniffed, but didn't comment, instead using the silence to drink from the water bottle.

Carson watched him for a bit, satisfied at least half the bottle had gone down. "So now what? You said you had done some thinking, and you seem a bit calmer. Setting aside the need to eat and sleep tonight, how are you?"

He shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Embarrassed. Tired. Oddly a little hungry."

Carson felt a tired smile stretch his lips. "Rodney, you have no idea how good it is to hear you say that."

McKay raised an eyebrow.

"You've been avoiding answering that question for days, or changing the subject and getting angry at us for asking. Not to mention all your memories have had you a bit out of sorts. If you can answer that way, I think its' safe to say you're over the worst."

He glanced around. "I don't see any sheep entrails…"

Rolling his eyes, Carson made a face at Rodney. "And here we are back to the sheep again. You really should talk to someone about this unhealthy obsession."

"I'm talking. To you."

One eyebrow went up. "All right, I'm listening then."

Rodney sighed, glancing down again. "I didn't mean to make it difficult on you…or Sheppard. I didn't."

"We know," he said quietly. "That's why we kept at you. We knew you were hurting, and keeping it all inside was making it worse."

"I just needed to get it sorted, things were….scattered. It made me feel out of control, like I didn't know up from down."

Carson made an encouraging noise, hoped his face showed his concern and care for his friend.

"I was scared…and the attention just exacerbated the feeling. I felt like I was letting you down."

"Letting us down? Rodney, you don't have to do anything except be yourself. We don't want anything else from you."

"They always wanted something I couldn't give," he mumbled.

"They?"

"My parents, the teachers, the boards, anyone else, really," he shrugged. "Most of the people I knew growing up were experts at guilt trips and demanding situations."

"And you thought... you thought we were the same way?" He kept his face carefully blank of anything except concern.

"It felt the same and with the memories so close…"

"You thought we were trying to guilt you into something? Rodney..."

"It's not like I meant to do that," he said, raising his head, his emotions playing across his face. "Everything was so close to the surface, things were sliding together…"

Carson sighed. "I know. You have some very unpleasant memories, and they were all at the surface. It makes sense that you were getting confused. But why didn't you just tell us that? Why try to avoid us?"

"You do know who you're talking to, right?"

He shook his head. "I know. It just never occurred to me, or the Colonel either I'll bet, that that was the problem."

"Sorry," he said, glancing away.

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"For putting you through all of this, probably comes to the top of the list," he grumbled.

"No, none of this was your fault, and it's been a lot for you to deal with. This wasn't exactly a run-of-the-mill problem. Don't start adding guilt to everything else."

"Too late."

Carson moved to the bed, grabbing Rodney's arm. "No. Don't feel guilty for anything. Even if you do feel you have something to apologize for—and you don't—it's forgiven."

Rodney glanced at him, surprise on his face. "But…"

"No buts. Don't think about it again."

McKay's mouth set in a line, but he didn't comment, shifting a little on the bed.

"Rodney, look at me. Don't feel guilty for something you had no control over. I don't care, and neither does anyone else who calls you a friend."

"It still doesn't make this any easier. It's not like it'll go away over night. It won't and trust me I know. It took me years to build—"

"I know. The older memories will start to fade over the next few days, but you're right, you'll have to deal with the emotional upheaval. You don't have to repress it again you know. Both Sheppard and I will help you work through anything, get rid of it this time instead of being forced to deal with it alone."

"I don't know any way to deal with it."

"Talking. When it gets to be too much, you can always come find one of us. Even if you don't want to talk about it, just be with other people; I have a few board games I brought back the last time I had leave. In other words, whatever you need, we're here for you."

Rodney finally nodded, the gesture slow in coming. "And I'm getting really tired…"

"Aye, did that daft Colonel go off-world to get you some dinner?"

"Anything is possible."

Carson shook his head, and started to reach for his radio when the door opened and John waltzed in. "Sorry it took so long. The mess was closed for the night, and I was trying to find something other than MREs." He set a tray down in front of Rodney.

Rodney scowled a little. "And what is it?"

Sheppard pointed at a slab of something brown, "I think that's the animal one of the teams got hunting rights to last month, and that," he pointed at a bright purple thing shaped like a carrot, "is one of those vegetables we traded for that tastes like an apple."

Rodney raised an eyebrow. "And you expect me to eat it?"

"Okay, I just spent a half-hour tracking it down, then trying to figure out how to use those things the Ancients used for ovens. I expect you to eat and like it." Sheppard glared at him.

Rodney poked at it with his fork. "Are you sure it's dead?"

"Of course. I don't think anything that's been cut into slabs then cooked could in any way be called alive."

"Then you haven't been down to the botany labs lately," he said, tasting a piece of the meat.

John shuddered. "You couldn't pay me enough to venture down to that little shop of horrors."

"You and me both," Rodney said, eating a little faster now. "The only problem is that I have to. You'd be surprised at what they have going on down there."

"You are a braver man than I am then. Makes me glad I'm just a grunt and can find reasonable excuses to avoid places like that. As long as they aren't raising killer plants I will later have to find a way to kill, I am perfectly happy to live and let live."

"Oh," Rodney glanced up mid-chew. "Then I shouldn't have brought it up."

Sheppard's eyes got wide. "Please don't tell me they're raising killer plants. Even botanists have to have some shred of self-preservation!"

McKay glanced away, pushing his food around for a moment before looking up again. "I didn't say a thing. Remember that."

John actually fingered the gun in his thigh holster for a moment before Carson cut in. "Not tonight, Colonel. You can go terrorize the science staff tomorrow."

"You are not terrorizing any of my staff. That's my job." Rodney dropped his fork down on the tray, shoving it away, a good portion of the food gone. "I'm done."

Carson nodded, happy at how much food he had gotten down. "You can go together. Between you I'm sure you can make someone cry." He kept his voice light and teasing.

"I always make someone cry," Rodney said, his tone vague. "And it's usually Miko."

"Ach, half that is for show. She's friendly with one of my nurses. The two of them like to stand around and gab on their off hours, and I get a good bit more gossip from overhearing them than I really want. Miko knows you get flustered when she cries, and she can do it on command, so that's her way of making you leave her alone."

Rodney's eyes widened. "I'll show her…"

Sheppard laughed. "I never would have expected that from her. She has a second career in acting if the science thing doesn't work out."

"If she lives through the rest of the week," McKay muttered. "And can someone take this tray?"

Sheppard picked it up and set it on the desk. "You can contemplate how to get revenge later. It's late, and we're all tired. Carson, is he okay now? Will he survive until morning?"

"Aye," Carson grinned and stood up. "He's going to be fine. And if I don't get out of these wet clothes soon, there will be chafing in places best not mentioned in public."

"Chafing…" Rodney said, already ducking under the blankets on his bed.

Carson just laughed. "Good night, Rodney. We can talk more in the morning if you want. I'll be in my lab or my office."

"Night," he yawned, his eyes already sliding shut. "Thanks."

The lights went out, and Carson assumed the Colonel had probably flicked them off mentally, as they both paused outside the door. "That went well. He's going to be okay. At some point he came to terms with everything."

Sheppard sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. "Unfortunately, I'll believe it when I see it. We've been through this a few times now."

"Aye, but I think we're through the worst. Go to bed. We can chat again tomorrow."

"That's where I'd headed. Night," he said, headed down the hall to his room.

"Night." Carson turned and headed for his own room, grateful no one else was awake to see him so bedraggled. He had to smile though. Rodney was going to be okay. He was getting better everyday, and seemed to have the memories under control. Soon this would just be one more of the stories they all laughed about when trying to demonstrate the sheer weirdness of the Pegasus Galaxy.

xxx

The End