What Might Have Been:

Chapter one:

Eiri's POV:

Six years ago everything changed, a terrible thing happened to me and I almost died that day. But Yuki and Seguchi were able to help me before that—I owe them so much. I love them much more than I can say, I never want to lose them.

They never caught the guys who did it, and I'm still attending therapy to deal with it—I never would have made any progress without Yuki and Seguchi there to help me. I doubt the men responsible will ever face charges as I barely remember that day—that's why I'm still in therapy—how can I deal with something I don't remember?

I regret what happened, I should've done something, anything to fight them off, but I was too afraid. One of them had a gun—I could've grabbed it, but I….I didn't. I don't ever want to kill—that would leave me more scarred than I am now.

"Eiri-kun, are you still up? It's time for bed, you have college in the morning." Yuki calls to me, his voice serious but not too much.

Usually he's not so pushy but tonight he's taking his son to a movie—Yuki and his son's mother have broken up, so he hardly gets to see his son. Riku I believe is his name. I hardly see him but he's growing well for his age—which I don't know.

"Eiri-kun."

"I'll go to bed as soon as I'm done typing this—I want to get the first chapter done."

"That story? Why do you need to write? I thought you didn't like it."

"That's before you became an author—now I want to try it." I smile at him, something I only do around him or Seguchi. "I'm nearly done."

"You say that, but an hour from now you'll still be typing….Look, just make sure you're in bed before Seguchi arrives to check on you. I don't want to hear his mouth. He pulled a lot of strings to get you into college—if you blow it by missing too many days like the last school you were in…."

"I won't miss tomorrow. I promise. And I'll be in bed before he arrives, I promise."

"Good." He steps over to me and places his hand on my head—something I only allow him to do. "Hey, are you typing what's going on as it happens?"

"….maybe…."

"Hey, stop that. Stop typing your answers as you say them—" He glares at me, but then sighs. "You've gotten good at typing if you can type things that fast. With details too."

He runs his fingers through my light colored hair and sighs again—I swear every time he looks at me he has a guilty expression on his face. Ever since that day.

"Time for bed. Seriously, I can't leave until you're asleep and I need to leave to pick up Riku. Normally I would have Yoshiki look after you but he's busy."

"Don't you mean 'she'? Your brother got a sex-change."

"Don't remind me." Sighing once more, Yuki removes his hand and turns toward the door. "Just get to bed before Seguchi arrives to check on you, okay? The last thing I need is him jumping down my throat. And don't do anything other than typing before going to bed, okay?" He glares at me, a serious expression on his face.

"I won't." He's referring to my cutting—ever since that day I've attacked myself with razors and knives. I still haven't gotten over that—I guess it's because I could've fought those men off but didn't. That aggression still exists inside me, consuming me until I have to bring a blade to my arm or leg.

They don't know yet about the cuts on my leg—but after my next doctor's appointment, they'll know. It's three months away—and the scars won't be healed completely on some of them. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it, I need to act out my aggression someway—and I can't hurt anyone else. And I'll get in trouble if I break anything—so I cut.

I don't get yelled at for cutting, I only get a visit by my therapist and have to tell her how I felt at the time—she doesn't tell Yuki or Seguchi anything about what I say, unless I tell her she can. I'm twenty-three years old after all. And I live in New York.

At least until Seguchi wants me to move back to Japan, he's been talking about it for a while—trying to get me to agree. But I don't want to, I want to stay with Yuki—I care for him a lot, more than I can express or accept. I can't accept how I feel about him since that day, but I need to be close to him. I love him.

No, don't think about that, it's disgusting. I can't love him that way, not that way. Not since those men took from me my innocence. I can't love anyone that way—not even women. Though I've tried.

Same as I try to surpass what happened to me, I keep pushing myself to overcome the event, but I can't. I can't even admit what happened to me yet, not to my therapist or even to Yuki or Seguchi—though they both know what happened. I just can't talk to them about it, I can't accept what happened to me.

I yawn as I type, Yuki has already left and now I'm tired. Enough for today, I'll continue this tomorrow.

A/N: End Chapter. Please review.