I don't own any X-Men Evolution Characters or those by Dashiell Hammett or a screenplay by Francis Goodrich. This was my favorite, and only movie parody I have ever written and it was one of my favorites. For years you could only find it on the Official Red Witch site but now it's been rewritten and redone for my pleasure.

The Not So Thin Mutant

Xavier wheeled in. "Greetings. As some of you might remember a few years ago Red Witch did a parody of one of her favorite movies. Of course due to some bizarre rulings by a certain website which is more concerned about how things are written other than actual content she had to remove it. I was actually happy that day."

Xavier continued. "But now it's back. I don't know why she's bringing it back. Just to torture me I suppose. But to all those people who support and inspire her such as CallistoLexx, Todd Fan, L1701E, RogueFan KC and all others who write fan fiction I say…THANKS A LOT! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHY DO YOU ENCORAGE HER? SERIOUSLY? DOESN'T THIS NUT HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN…"

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"Ow!" Xavier rubbed his head and glared at RW who had hit him with a roll of wrapping paper. "What no mallet?"

It's being refurnished. Just shut up and make with the introductions.

"Fine," Xavier grumbled. "Well here it is again a parody of the 1934 classic the Thin Man…"

"Hold on," Pietro zoomed out. "Out of all the movies why is she redoing this one instead of coming up with something new?"

"I guess she's following the Hollywood Trend," Todd hopped out. "I mean every year there's some remake going on. Besides about everyone who's in this movie is dead now. Nobody from the original movie alive left to complain."

"That makes as much sense as anything else she writes," Pietro admitted.

"Will you two get going?" Xavier groaned. They left. "And now for your enjoyment and my continuing torture…Here it is again. The fic that just won't die no matter how hard they try and kill it. And boy do they try…The Not So Thin Mutant."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

In an alternate universe in the middle of downtown New York there was a laboratory. This was the laboratory of that well known inventor Fred Dukes. Right now Fred Dukes was working on his latest invention with his assistant Forge.

"I'm his assistant?" Forge shouted as he walked into a lab with a lot of tubes and shiny objects. "HIM? You have got to be kidding me! The guy has trouble making a peanut butter sandwich for crying out loud!"

"I can hear ya you know?" Fred the inventor was tinkering with some chemicals.

"You realize folks he's going to burn the place down?" Forge grumbled at the audience.

"I will not!" Fred snapped.

"You will too," Forge glared at him.

"Will not!" Fred snapped back.

"Will too!" Forge snapped at him again.

JUST SHUT UP AND SAY YOUR FREAKING LINES ALREADY!

"All right! All right!" Forge grunted. "Pushy Author. But I am going to have a long talk with my agent on all the lousy roles I've been getting lately!"

"Just stop being a drama freak and say your lines!" Fred rolled his eyes.

"Fine," Forge sighed. Then got into character. "Mr. Dukes, your daughter's here. I mean stepdaughter. She's your own age for crying out loud! Who'd be stupid enough to marry you with a kid the same age! BLOB ARE YOU LISTENING?"

"YES I AM!" Fred snapped as he dropped the chemicals he was working on. This of course started a chemical reaction which created a small fire. "Oops."

"Here we go," Forge rolled his eyes.

"NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" Fred shouted at Forge.

"WHAT I DID?" Forge snapped.

"YES HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY MORE SENSE THAN…" Fred began.

"ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO…" Forge retorted.

"Two weeks worth of work ruined! Gone! Zippo! Kaput! And all because of you!" Fred yelled at him.

"More like two minutes worth of work!" Forge snapped. "You weren't even holding the chemicals right!"

"I was too!" Fred snapped.

"Was not!" Forge shouted back. Both were ignoring the fact that the fire was getting bigger.

"WAS TOO!"

"WAS NOT!

"WAS TOO INFINITY!" Fred shouted.

"WAS NOT INFINITY PLUS!" Forge shouted back.

"WAS TOO INFINITY PLUS PLUS!" Fred yelled.

"Plus plus?" Forge folded his arms. "There is no such thing as a plus plus!"

"There is too!" Fred yelled.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO INFINITY!" Fred yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Are we gonna start this again?" Forge asked. "Don't blame me for your clumsiness! I just came to tell you that…"

"I don't care what you came to tell me!" Fred shouted at him. "In the words of Donald Trump, you're fired! Get your things and go!"

"Fine!" Forge snapped. "Have fun putting out the fire!"

"I WILL!" Fred shouted as Forge turned to leave. He blinked. "Fire?"

Fred turned around and indeed saw his lab was blazing out of control. "FIRE! FIRE! WATER! I NEED WATER HERE!"

He grabbed some chemicals and threw it on the fire which made it blaze higher. "THAT IS NOT WATER! REPEAT! NOT WATER!" Fred grabbed a fire extinguisher. "HOT! VERY HOT HERE!"

"I told you he'd set the place on fire!" Forge snapped and was about to leave when he ran into two people. It was Fred's stepdaughter Rogue and her boyfriend Remy LeBeau. Both were wearing very fancy clothes and coats.

"Did you tell him?" Rogue asked.

"Not exactly," Forge pointed to the fire.

"HOLY…" Remy's jaw dropped at the fire.

"A little help here!" Fred tried to put out the fire by himself.

"Oh for crying out loud…" Rogue grumbled and she grabbed another fire extinguisher to put out the fire. "Remy get that extra fire extinguisher! Now!"

"Rogue?" Fred blinked. "Why didn't someone tell me you'd be here?"

"I tried!" Forge snapped getting his coat. "Remember? But nooooooooooooo! You had to keep…"

"Will you stop complaining and get me a bucket or something?" Rogue snapped at him. Blob, sorry to interrupt your work but this is important."

"Oh that's okay," Fred coughed. "I could use a break."

"OW that fire is hot!" Remy grumbled as he tried to put the fire out. "Remy was told there would be very little stunt work in this movie!"

"They lied, deal with it," Fred told him. "Now is that another young man you're going out with."

"It's the same one!" Remy snapped.

"It's been the same one for three months," Rogue told him.

"Sorry! I can't see a thing with all this smoke," Fred told her.

"You would think an inventor would have a sprinkler system in the joint?" Remy groaned. Just then the sprinklers went on, soaking them all. "Great. Now they go on!"

"Well at least it's getting rid of the smoke," Rogue coughed. "Now that we can see again, take a good look at him. Please try and remember him because he's going to be your new stepson in law."

"If that's all right with you?" Remy asked.

"And if it's not?" Fred asked.

"Then he's still going to be your stepson in law," Rogue said.

"See how much a say we have in this pal?" Fred gave Remy a look.

"You're telling me!" Remy groaned. "Remy's neck is still hurting from that headlock she put me in…"

"That's enough!" Rogue said. "Now…Uh…Dad…Do I really have to call you that?"

"Just call me Fred," He sighed. "I don't care what the script says, it sounds too creepy for me."

"Amen to that brother," Remy groaned. "Oh look there are some more walls on fire." He moved away to put them out.

"Well get Forge to help you out," Fred noticed Forge was leaving. "Hey where are you going?"

"Home! I'm fired remember?" Forge snapped.

"You are? Who fired you?" Fred scratched his head.

"You did Salami Brain! Remember?" Forge shouted, exasperated. "There's only two of us here! Who else could it have been? The power saw?"

"Did I?" Fred blinked.

"YES!" Forge snapped at him.

"Oh, well forget about it," Fred waved his hand. "Just help Remy control the blaze over there before it hits those…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!

"Chemicals," Fred finished the sentence. "That's not good."

"OH GREAT! AND REMY JUST BOUGHT THAT JACKET! OWWWW!"

"I'll go get the burn kit," Forge sighed as he left to assist Remy. "I swear one of these days…"

"Okay Fred now we can talk," Rogue said. "Mom's set on a huge church wedding."

"She would," Fred groaned.

"I hate all that fuss but I'll do it on one condition, that you're there to give me away," Rogue told him.

"And what would your mother say to that?" Fred asked.

"She can go to hell for all I…" Rogue began then fell back into character. "I mean it's my wedding."

"Wouldn't it be kind of weird?" Fred asked. "Me, you, your mother and her new husband?"

"He can stay home," Rogue quipped. "Please Fred, won't you? You're the only guy she's married that I ever liked. And that's saying something."

"Okay I'll do it," Fred agreed. "Wait a minute, when's it going to be? I'm leaving town tonight!"

"Tonight?" Rogue blinked. "Where are you going?"

"Can you keep a secret?" Fred asked.

"Yes," Rogue said.

"So can I," Fred winked. "I'm not telling anyone. Not even you. I've got an important idea to work on. It's a new invention and I don't want anyone to steal it!"

"We were planning to be married right before Christmas," Rogue told him.

"Oh I'll be back before then," Fred waved. "Hey wait a minute. How can you get married with your powers?"

"Power dampener? Remember?" Rogue showed him her necklace. "You invented it!"

"I did?" Fred blinked. "Oh right! It's part of the story. I'm an inventor. Of course I did. Well I'll be back before Christmas. And that's a promise I won't forget. Now where the heck is my lawyer? He said he'd be here. Oh well, how's your brother by the way?"

"He's all right, you know how it is," Rogue shrugged. "Still stuck under Mom's thumb. You're not missing much. He's cuckoo. Nuts. Completely bonkers. A sissy. A total idiot. A complete and total…"

"I GET THE PICTURE!" Pietro shouted from offstage. "GET ON WITH IT!"

"In other words he's like the rest of us," Fred said. "Tell me has Remy seen the whole family."

"Yes and he still wants to marry me," Rogue said.

"You talk like Remy has a choice in this!" Remy shouted off-screen.

"He's a brave man," Fred remarked.

"Not really," Remy walked in slightly charred. "Rather face fire than her any day of the week. Hey I didn't know you invented that smelting process."

"What's smelting?" Fred blinked.

Rogue slapped her hand against her forehead. "Oh for crying out loud Fred, do your research will ya? Show him your watch!" Fred took it out and Rogue pointed at it. "Look, these are the first three metals that came through. Gold, silver and adamantium."

"Oh that's what smelting is," Fred then grunted in pain. "Ow my stomach…"

"Don't tell me you still got that piece of metal junk in your stomach?" Rogue asked.

"War wound?" Remy asked.

"No I mistook it for a donut," Fred told him. "It only bugs me in bad weather."

"What are you talking about? It's sunny outside?" Remy said.

"Won't be for long," Fred said. "Better get home before it is."

"Okay fine, just remember it's December 30th," Rogue said.

"I'll remember," Fred nodded. "Remy you take care of her and show her there is such a thing as a happy marriage."

"I will," The two left the laboratory. "Say why did your Mama divorce him? He ain't so bad. A bit accident prone maybe…"

"He's got a secretary…" Rogue snickered.

"Really? Who?" Remy asked. Rogue whispered in his ear. "You're joking? Oh man that is priceless!"

"I know!" Rogue laughed.

"Well from now on Remy will do his own typing," Remy chuckled. "Remy…can't keep a straight face! HA HA HA!"

"IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!" Jean shouted from offstage.

"Yes it is!" Rogue shouted back.

They walked outside and it just started to snow. "Fred's a good barometer," Rogue remarked. Just then a huge snowdrift dumped on them. "Maybe a little too good. Quick here's a cab."

Fred Dukes' lawyer Edward Kelly got out of the cab driven by Hank. "Why am I in this stupid picture? I hate mutants! I hate old movies!"

A huge snowdrift landed on him. "And I really hate snow."

"Hey Kelly," Rogue said.

"Rogue," Kelly paid the fare.

Rogue shoved him aside. "Can't stop to talk, we're taking your cab!"

"About time!" Remy shoved Kelly into the snow. "Dukes is waiting for you!"

"Thanks a lot!" Kelly got up and brushed the snow off his face. Glaring at Hank he said. "You didn't drive slowly so you don't get a tip!"

"That's okay Mac, I took it!" Hank laughed as he drove off.

"WHAT?" Kelly shouted and realized that Hank had taken a generous tip from his change. "Oh this is just perfect! First he wrecks my school, then he nearly kills me and now he takes my money! I hate this job! I hate my life! And I hate mutants!"

WHUMP!

Another drift of snow landed on him. "And I really hate a certain fan fiction writer," Kelly glared offstage.

Kelly grumbled obscenities under his breath as he wiped the snow off him and headed into the building. "Dukes! Dukes! Where are you, you…?"

"Who do you want?" Fred growled as he stood next to the elevator in his building. "You'd better stay in character here!"

"Or else what?" Kelly snapped. Suddenly he was hit by a snowball. "OW! DRAKE!"

"Just say your lines," Fred groaned. "You're just lucky you weren't zapped by a bolt of lightning."

"Fine," Kelly grumbled wiping the snowball off his face. "Mr. Dukes…"

"That's better," Fred grinned. "Did you get my money?"

"Yeah I did," Kelly handed him a large wad of cash from his suitcase. "I wish you'd tell me where you were going!"

"I'm not telling nobody," Fred told him as he accepted it.

"Anybody," Kelly rolled his eyes at the blatant misuse of grammar. "You're not telling anybody."

"Them too," Fred remarked.

"But suppose some business comes up?" Kelly asked.

"That's why I pay your salary," Fred pointed out.

"Is there anything else I can do?" Kelly asked. "Have you got your ticket?"

"No, not yet," Fred admitted.

"Well at least let me get that for you," Kelly asked helpfully.

"Fine you can get me a ticket for…" Fred caught himself. "Nice try. Goodbye."

"But what do I do if business comes up or somebody wants you?" Kelly shouted. "Is Jean going with you?"

"No, she's not going. And settle it yourself. What have I got a lawyer for? And if I need more money she'll take care of it," Fred told him, closing the elevator door in Kelly's face as he tried to follow him.

Kelly screamed as the elevator went up. "You don't tell me where you're going. I don't know how to reach you. And I don't know when or if you're coming back! Are you listening to me? Of course not! Nobody listens to me! Why do I put up with this…" He kicked the door. "OWWWWWWW!"

Kelly hopped around on one foot. "That's it! I hate this! I HAVE HAD IT! I AM NOT TAKING ANY MORE OF THIS! SOMEBODY CALL MY AGENT! I WANT OUT OF THIS PICTURE!"

"It's a murder mystery," Forge walked up behind him. "That can be arranged."

"Oh shut up!" Kelly snapped. He was hit with a snowball to the face. "AAHHH!"

"Good one Bobby!" Forge called to backstage.

Next: What happens when Fred finds out that his secretary has been cheating on him in more ways than one? Tee hee…

"You are just loving this aren't you?" Jean glared at the author.