Mello and Matt analyze "Over the River and Through the Woods" in an attempt to find Santa. Oneshot.
"Over the river and through the woods…?"
Mello paused from his bar of chocolate to listen to the song currently playing on Matt's cutting-edge XM radio. "What song is this?"
"It's a Christmas song, dork," replied Matt, yanking his radio away from Mello's chocolate-covered fingers, upsetting the rug that the two sat on in the Wammy's House common room. It was midday Christmas Eve, and Mello and Matt were both anticipating the arrival of presents later this evening.
"I know it's a Christmas song," said Mello, stealing the radio once again. "But what are the words?"
Matt sighed impatiently, giving up the fight. "Over the river and through the woods, to Grandfather's house we go, the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh, through the white and drifted snow."
"Who exactly is Grandfather?" asked Mello curiously.
Matt shrugged. "Maybe it's a codename? Or an RP character name?"
"But, who really is Grandfather, and why would he want to be called Grandfather?" questioned Mello.
"Maybe he likes the archetypal figure that the term 'grandfather' presents," said Matt. "You know, old, kindly kook?"
Mello frowned. "If that's true, then Grandfather must really be old and kindly, or someone manipulative trying to appear to be old and kindly to gain the favor of the masses."
"I wonder where Grandfather lives," mused Matt.
Mello took a bite of chocolate, thinking. "If we factor in the part about the river and woods, it's only logical that Grandfather lives in a rural area," he finally stated.
"So that means that Grandfather either really likes nature, really dislikes people, or needs a secret base away from the populace to carry out his evil deeds," said Matt. "If you ask me, Grandfather is an evil villain planning to deceive the world by taking the identity of a kindly archetypal figure."
Mello sighed exasperatedly. "This isn't Silent Hill, Matt! There aren't men with pyramids for heads going around assaulting people!"
Matt gave a shrug that said 'why not?' as Mello continued speaking. "No, Grandfather is definitely what he appears to be. A simple, selfless, generous old man who lives in the middle of nowhere."
"So he's a hermit?" asked Matt.
"No, said Mello with a mischievous smile. "He's Santa Claus."
"Santa Claus?" exclaimed Matt loudly.
"Yes," said Mello. "Grandfather is Santa Claus."
Matt stared at Mello in amazement. "How do you know?"
Mello shrugged. "It's the only logical explanation I can find," he said.
"What are we going to do with this information, then?" Matt asked.
"Easy," responded Mello. "We're going to track him down and force him to give us presents."
"Won't that put us on the 'bad' list, though?" asked Matt fearfully. "I don't think I can handle not getting a seventeen-inch Apple MacBook with Intel Core 2 Duo processor and two hundred gigabytes of hard drive space!"
"Relax," said Mello, climbing to his feet and pacing around the carpet. "There's no way that I'm giving up my hopes for a whole 'nother caseload of chocolate. Besides, there's nothing Santa will be able to do us if we put him under some sort of threat."
"So we need to blackmail him?" Matt asked.
Mello paused and grinned evilly. "Exactly," he replied. "Of course, we have to find him first."
"Well, obviously he lives in a rural area," said Matt. "Somewhere over a river and through a wood."
Mello began pacing again. "That's the curious part, though," he said. "There has to be millions of rivers like that on Earth. Yet only one of them leads to Santa's lair."
Matt thought for a moment. "If we're assuming that Santa has the ability to warp time, therefore reaching all the houses in the world on Christmas Eve, couldn't it also be possible for him to warp the atmosphere?" Mello looked alarmed at this, but allowed Matt to continue speaking. "If that's true," continued Matt, "it would be reasonable to guess that Santa could be at the end of every single one of those woods."
Mello considered this theory for a moment. "No, Santa wouldn't do that," he finally concluded. "It would make it too easy to find him." Mello turned to face the fireplace that filled the room with warmth. "I think that in order to find Santa, we must focus on the rest of the lyrics of the song."
"What do you mean?" asked Matt.
"Well, obviously we need a river inside of a forest," said Mello, beginning to pace again. "But the song also mentions a horse-drawn sleigh traveling through snow."
"That means that Santa must be located somewhere where it snows frequently," said Matt. "But where?"
"The song says that the horses will lead the way," stated Mello. "Does that mean that there are specific horses that one needs to travel to Santa's lair?"
"Maybe the song is referring to Santa's reindeer!" exclaimed Matt excitedly. "They would definitely be able to lead someone to Santa!"
Mello snapped his fingers and turned to face Matt. "That's it, Matt! That's how we get to Santa!"
"But where do we find his reindeer?" asked Matt, climbing to his feet next to Mello.
"Remember that petting zoo that Roger took us to last week?"
Matt grinned. "Let's go."
A/N- No real idea where that came from. And yes, that is the end. It's up to your imagination as to what happens afterwards. I really just wanted to have Mello and Matt overanalyze something. And yes, I do know that that song is technically a Thanksgiving song, but technically that's the beginning of the holiday season!
Happy holidays, everyone!