V – Kate
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters from the series. But I own Hatari.
A.N.: See, I told you I will update the next chapter soon. This one contains a lot of talking though in later parts, since it's basically a "session" between Kate and Hatari, but, well, at some point in the story, you always need a longer talking part. Thanks to everyone who reviews or has this on their alert list. Love you all.
highonscifi: Hey, I'm glad somebody noticed. Yes, the name "Hatari" is from an African language (Hausa, if I remember correctly) and means "danger". My character is half a wraith - how much more dangerous could it get? Ok, I admit, there are still twists to come, so be prepared ;) Anyway, I a am honoured to have such a watchful reviewer
Kate Heightmeyer entered the infirmary nothing more than fifteen minutes after Carson had called her. Her flowing, blonde hair showed in no way that she had just gotten out of bed and no sign of fatigue was to be seen in her eyes. Greeting her with a smile, Carson met her at his desk. He found it simply amazing how she always managed to seem so completely awake, even when being ripped out of sleep at 2 am. It was one thing he admired her for. He, too, used to work overtime, but usually, the strain those hours had on him were easily visible in the lines of his face and his ruffled hair.
"I'm sorry I called you down here at such a bloody late hour." He mentioned quickly, but Kate held up a hand in response. "It's okay, Carson. Doctors are used to it, aren't we?" A quick smile flashed on her face. "Besides, I do not work half as many nightshifts as you. Where is the poor girl?"
Right to the point. Carson grimaced. He hoped by all the powers of God that no one but him, Kate and Lorne caught wind of this. If they did, things would get more than just complicated. "The nightmares started right after she fell asleep after her first wakening." Carson explained while leading her over to the bed. "Major Lorne said it's fairly normal for her, but I would like your professional opinion first before I hand this to Elizabeth."
"Of course." Nodding shortly, Atlantis' leading psychologist braced herself for the encounter that she had wanted to postpone as far as possible. The memories of her conversations with Michael – after he had found out about the retro virus – were still vivid in her mind and she had to admit that people who were partly Wraith did not count as her most favourite patients. Still, it needed to be done. And if she shied away, then who would do the job?
She was surprised to find the girl already wide awake, staring at the ceiling as if trying not to think of anything. It was a rather effective way of willing things out of one's mind, if one had the strength to pull through it until the end when the body would – in the literal meaning of the word – become tired of the continuity. She didn't doubt a half-wraith had such strength of mind.
Next to her, the Major sat quietly, giving her a glance as she approached the bed. Immediately, her patient turned her head and Kate smiled briefly. She looked fairly human, although her green eyes and ivory skin gave away some of her wraith heritage, if one already had the suspicion. It was those eyes that captivated her attention. Lost eyes that stared at her with a mixture of pain, curiosity and sadness and for several moments, Kate stood two steps away from the bed, simply looking her patient over. Yes, she appeared to be perfectly human apart from the elongated finger nails and the green eyes.
"I don't bite." A weary smile curved the girl's lips and Kate grinned back before she took a chair from one of the desks and set down next to the bed. With the distance between them closed, the psychologist noticed the numerous scratches all over the girl's body. According to Carson, these had been wounds from projectile weapons and deep claw scratches only a few hours before. She really healed quickly. "Kate Heightmeyer, is it, right?" The girl asked and received a calm not in response.
"Your name is Hatari, right?" When the half-wraith nodded, turning her head so she faced the ceiling again, Kate shot the Major a quick glance. She was trying to avoid conversation. Kate could need all the help she could get. Focusing on the girl's face again, she continued. "Hatari, I don't mean to do this in order to bother you. It's just something that we have to do, unless you want to face the following questions in an interrogation in the presence of Ronon Dex and a number of other people who would shoot you on sight."
"Wouldn't be that bad." She mentioned simply and from the corner of her left eye she noticed the confused look the psychologist gave her. "An interrogation consists of when, where, what, yes and no. But you want to know why and how. Ronon Dex might shoot a hole through my chest, but he wouldn't dig holes through my mind and soul."
"You are very clever." Kate admitted loudly. She was indeed. And that alone would make it worse. Her actions were carefully measured and calculated and Kate had no doubts that this girl would perfectly know what to reveal and what to conceal without giving away any of her true features. This would be like cracking a walnut open bare handed. On the other hand – what had she expected anyway? "But sooner or later, we are going to have this talk anyways, so we can just do it now. We can simply tell Dr. Weir that you asked to advance psychological assessment and we won't have to tell her I came down here in the middle of the night to determine whether you are trying to lure us into a trap or not. I can also go back to bed, sleep mercifully until the late morning and report to Dr. Weir first thing tomorrow morning."
Hatari chuckled shortly, a muffled sound that didn't show any effort to hold back the contempt she felt for the moment. "You are very clever, too." She tried to sit up and as she felt Lorne's hands trying to restrain her in silent worry, she simply pushed them away. "It's alright, really. Sitting won't kill me." The pain that suddenly spread through her strained body taught her better, as her back fell against the prepped pillows. The sedatives and pain blockers had been wearing off long ago and the dull aches held the promise of bursting into something sharper and more unnerving any minute. "Now, go ahead. Pick my mind."
Frowning shortly, Kate leaned a bit closer. This was going to be a rather long night. "Okay, then let's roll this up from the back end. Have you ever communicated with other wraith through the telepathic link?"
She sighed shortly. "A few times. I have been avoiding to do so since I locked myself up in the base on the nest planet. They could have grabbed the codes for the locks from me, had I allowed them access. It was also a good way of training, sharpening my senses, strengthening my resistance. I guess the last time I tried to communicate was more than twelve years ago."
"Twelve?" Kate made no effort to hide the fact that she was surprised. Neither did Lorne as he gaped at her. "Twelve years…." Kate finally trailed off. "Just how old are you, Hatari? You must still have been half a child then, right?"
"I was thirteen." She stated simply. "That was two years after… Never mind."
Immediately, Kate's attention was on full alert. She glanced at the girl's left hand slightly and noticed she had curled it into a fist, clutching the sheets. It was a sign of nervousness and – by the way her knuckles turned even whiter then they already were – also a sign of self-punishment. A slip of tongue. She scolded herself. "Two years after what? Two years after what you saw in your dreams?"
Unsurprisingly, she didn't get an answer. Instead, Hatari simply shrugged her shoulders. "I am not talking to them anymore. I have quit long ago. Believe it or not." She frowned shortly, knowing that there was no way in hell they were simply going to believe her. After all, they had no reliable method of making sure she didn't, except for that woman called "Teyla Emmagan", maybe. Marcus had told her about Teyla. An Athosian with wraith DNA. Someone who had more or less successfully tapped into the minds of several wraith. She doubted that Teyla Emmagan would be a match for her, but she was without doubt a risk. "I should never have come here in the first place." Noticing with a grimace that she had actually said it out loud, she glared at Lorne again. "You should have let me die back on the planet. We would both be better off if you had."
Immediately she earned herself knuckles on the head. The ache that had – up to that point – been nothing but dull throbbing quickly turned into sharp, jolting pain and she whispered a curse in her father's language. Next to her, Lorne gave her a quick and sheepish grin. "Shouldn't have said something this stupid. Now, go tell her. You've got nothing to lose."
She thought for a moment about returning the favour with knuckles right into his face and the twitching of her fingers told her that the wraith part in her would thoroughly enjoy the reprimanding gesture. Willing the upcoming thoughts back into the darkest depths of her mind where they belonged, she took a deep breath. She would not give up that witch made her different from her father and his brutal kind. She would not give in to the thirst for blood, to the urge to simply take for herself what she needed. She would not.
"Hatari? Are you alright?" It was the soft voice of Kate Heightmeyer that drew her back into the painful reality. Her life – oh so uncomplicated until a week ago – had become a labyrinth, a deadly maze that put both her sanity and her humanity to the test. There was no clear line anymore. All she could do now was either stop and starve while being questioned until she'd go mad, or go into the directions that the voices pushed her. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she faced the psychologist again. This had to be. "I guess I am not."
A genuine smile of comfort curved Kate's lips. The first layer of ice had been broken. Self-assessment was very important in psychological processes and truth was that this girl was not alright. If she recognised that, then there was hope for her. Trying to help someone who didn't want help was about as fruitless as trying to make a fake plant grow. Honourable motive, but dumb approach. "I understand you are not ready to talk about all of it, so why don't we just continue the way we started? I ask questions. You answer them."
"Like in an interrogation?"
Kate nodded at the girl's tired smile. "Just like an interrogation, if you really prefer the hard way. Shall I read you your rights before we start?" The light chuckle that burst from the girl's mouth caused a whole mountain to fall off her shoulders. The atmosphere was finally a little lightened up. Good. "Why don't we start at the beginning? Your parents. Who were they? Your father was a wraith, right?"
Forcing the chuckle back into her throat where it had originated, Hatari nodded. She felt better now. The more impersonal the tone, the better. "My mother was a worshipper." She explained, while examining her half-claw hands. The picture in her head was as clear as day now. "She and her whole family had worshipped the wraith for generations. They were rewarded with their life and even a certain degree of respect. Usually, relationships between worshippers and wraith are forbidden. At least those that bring forth children. I don't really have the slightest idea why my mother and her master broke that law." She tried to think back to the conversations she had had with her mother. She had asked her often enough and never received a proper answer. "It simply happened" was one of the answers that her mother had once given her. "I think they simply didn't care. That was… until my mother got pregnant. Half-bloods are considered a shame for the entire hive. They told her to kill me."
"And she refused."
"Of course she did." She frowned shortly. If her mother hadn't, they wouldn't have this conversation anyway. "She knew the ship, the language and nearly every address of the hive's feeding grounds. She tricked them. Her family had worshipped them for several generations. They didn't expect her to disobey when she said she agreed. I don't know what planet I was born on, but I know that during the first weeks of my life I must have seen a countless number of worlds. She moved quickly to avoid detection. I never met my father. I only know him from my mother's descriptions. And from the image stuck in my mind." Immediately, the picture popped up in her mind again. The same green eyes, the same ivory skin that she had. And yet, she doubted anybody would see the connection even if they stood right next to each other.
"And after that?" Kate questioned. She could almost see the wheels turn in her patient's mind as she went back in time to recall what had happened. Kate risked a short glance at the watch on the wall behind Lorne and immediately winced slightly. It was almost half past two and she was sure that her head would rebel from the night session in the late morning hours. Switching her gaze to Lorne, she noticed that he, too, seemed to hold the wish for the cosy warmth of bed sheets and the bliss of hours of sleep. Nevertheless, the look he gave her in response told her that there was no way he would leave before they were finished. Deciding that it was probably better not to focus on just how early in the morning it was, she turned back to her patient only to see the omniscient grin on her face. She knew just how hard it was for a human being to stay awake at such an hour and Kate was once again reminded of just how far ahead the wraith were of them. Finally, she managed to regain her composure. "Please, continue."
"She went to spend the most terrible eleven years of her life." A sad smile curved her thin lips. Yes, that was probably the most appropriate way to put it. "She had gotten used to being among the wraith. She had gotten used to being looked after. She realised she couldn't live on her own, especially not with a baby in her arms. So she chose a populated planet that was most likely not going to be culled any time soon and tried to fit in again. There simply was no other option."
"She tried to?"
"She had to ditch the "Hail the wraith"-mentality, if you know what I mean. She had to act like she was awfully frightened of them, like she hated them from her deep heart's core and most of it all, she had to make sure nobody got a closer look at me. Her usual excuse for hiding her daughter away was that I was simply awfully shy towards other people and started crying easily. She wasn't so wrong about it. I never felt comfortable around humans. And I did cry a lot." The thought brought a smile to her face. She couldn't remember those early years of her life, of course, but she head never in her childhood lost her fear of human company. It was something that intrigued her to no end and yet, she still felt uncomfortable when finally in company of others. "I guess it was my constant fear of what people would react like when they finally saw me for what I was. When I was older – old enough to understand just what kind of situation I was in – my mother finally gave me a little more freedom. Under the condition that I would keep on gloves, of course. If someone asked, I had a deeply nasty burn on my hands that really no one needed to see. End of story."
"And the people let you and your mother get away with that?" Kate raised an eyebrow. If she had been there, she wouldn't have believed them. At least she would have insisted that a burn was no reason hide away oneself. It was superficial and it said not the least about a person's character. "Did none of the villagers ever insist?"
"They did." Hatari gave a short smirk at the expression on the psychologist's face. Yes, there had been questions. Constantly, relentlessly questions. "I guess the wraith part got the better of me. I turned from a cry baby into the aggressive problem child that listened to nearly nobody. The villagers started to give way to their frustration and stopped bothering. We were about as much appreciated as the undertaker and while they tolerated our presence, they stopped trying to integrate us into their community."
"Did you have any friends?" Kate inquired carefully, although she was sure she already knew the answer. When Hatari simply shook her head, she sighed deeply. It was to be expected. A child and her mother who appeared out of nowhere, avoided the presence of others and generally acted like life was none of their business were not exactly the best basis for ground-breaking friendship. No wonder this girl preferred the loneliness of a wraith-infested planet to the crowded halls of Atlantis. She doubted this girl had any social competence at all. "Did it never bother you?"
"Which part of me?" She watched as the psychologists eyes widened in confusion and another smile crept across her face. "The human part of me wanted to hide away and cry. The wraith part in me basically didn't give a damn." And this, she noticed, was the guiding principal in her life. The stark contrast of wraithal indifference towards human compassion. The wish to be part of a society and at the same time the disgust the thought evoked in her. She had dragged herself through her life like this until the cursed day. That one, cursed day. The smile faded away from her face and she turned her head absently to look at the slit in her right hand. There was no blood on it anymore and yet it was such an easy reminder. She could have explained her ivory skin to the others, she could have explained her green eyes and the fact that her teeth and nails were sharper than those of a normal human being. She could have blamed all of these onto a freaky decision of Mother Nature. But this simple anatomic sign, this simple mark was something that didn't allow any other conclusion but the one that would have people either running away from her or grabbing whatever weapons they had to try and slaughter her. Pictures flashed up in front of her eyes again and she shut her eyes to push the flood of unwelcome reminders away. Her efforts didn't go unnoticed.
"Hatari?" Next to her, both Kate and Lorne had watched her closely as she had examined her hand, as the memories washed over her again. Almost simultaneously, they bent forward in concern. Swallowing back the dry feeling in her throat, Kate reached for the girl's right hand and gripped it slightly. The hand that could kill, her mind added and she pushed the thought away. Obviously, they had reached the point where she would finally have to do what she came here to do. The part that went beyond simple interrogating, narrating and presenting of facts. "Hatari, it is alright, just open your eyes and talk to us. Take a deep breath and open your eyes. You are not back there, you are in Atlantis. Major Lorne is here, I am here, everything is over. It is just a memory."
"Have you ever killed anybody, doctor Heightmeyer?" Forcing her eyes open again, she turned her head only to find the psychologist stare at her in a mixture of concern and confusion and as she tried to raise her right hand, she felt the touch of another soft hand on it. The by now oh so familiar smirk came forth again. "I did. With the very hand you are holding." The last sentence had the intended effect and she could feel the woman's finger's flex in a quick rush of fear. Slowly, she raised her hand up until it was right in front of her face. "Two or three people each year or I am dead." She hadn't even finished the close inspection of the cursed mark on her palm when she felt her hand being turned to the left.
"And what are these?" She traced the tender lines slowly. From this close, the scars were easily visible. They went all around the slit in her hand. Around and through. "This must have hurt."
"Holy mother of God, Hatari what have you done?" Lorne exclaimed as he noticed the scarred surface of her palms. He had never seen those before. He reached for her hand slowly, but instead of getting hold of them, simply received a sharp hiss from her. It was a wraithal sound. One that he had last heard on their way up to the surface of this dreadful nesting planet. He knew she only used it when completely and madly irritated, even furious. Apparently, she didn't like all the attention the imperfectly healed wounds got.
"It's none of your business! Both of yours!" She snapped, wriggling her hand free, and shot both of them an angry glance. The numb pain in her chest that she had felt and not paid any attention to throughout the whole session had suddenly worsened and now felt like a blade right through her heart. The rapid beeping of the machines assured her that her heartbeat was indeed racing and she knew it was a dangerous cocktail combined with the anger she felt. Forcing her mind out of reality and into the back of her conscious where here primal instincts battled to be released just for a spit second, she hissed out in pain. One second would be enough. She knew that. One second would be enough to endanger lives. You have done this before, a hissing voice from those primal depths whispered in her ear. It was all she heard. The frantic beat of her heart and the hissing voice that she dreadfully realised was her own. The voice for which life was easy. The voice for which life simply consisted of instincts, of killing or being killed. The voice that represented the part of her that inherited her father's indifference and obvious lack of remorse and other troubling human emotions. The voice that she feared more than death itself.
"Hatari!" Lorne's voice was that of concern as he reached out to shake shoulder slightly, but Kate caught his hand quickly and shook her head. "She can't hear you, Major." Bitterness was easy to make out in her words. "See the trembling of her lips? She is battling with herself. She doesn't even hear you. There is only one thing that we can do for her now." Sighing, she stood up and left, only to return not more than a minute later with Carson Beckett right on her heels. As he saw her sitting there, eyes open, silently whispering to herself, Carson shook his head in concern. "Poor girl. She really has to go through each and every single hell, doesn't she?" Preparing the needle, he bent down slowly and removed the sleeve of the hospital gown from her left arm. Giving a last quick glance at her face to make sure she would not lash out suddenly, he administered the sedative as quickly as possible and watched her eyes close in weariness. He had given her almost twice the usual dose, knowing that a single dose would not do any good with someone of wraith heritage.
Within two minutes, the sedative had fulfilled its purpose completely and the two doctors watched silently from a few feet away as Lorne set her back down into the pillows. Sighing deeply, Kate turned to Carson. "Elizabeth is so going to like this time's report…"
"You think she is communicating with other wraith?" Carson asked with the slightest twinge of fear in his voice, but Kate shook her head fiercely. A nice, throbbing headache was building up in the back of her head and she made a note to herself to double her dose of aspirin this time. "I think the Major is right: She is communicating with no one but herself. Better yet, battling with herself. This girl has some serious issues, Carson. I wouldn't go a far as saying that she paranoid or schizophrenic or anything. Just extremely emotionally instable and cursed with an incredible aggression potential."
"Like every other bloody wraith we have ever come across?" Carson asked and a little smile wanted to creep across his lips. This was not a situation calling for light-heartedness. Frowning, he glanced quickly at his watch and winced. "Good god, 4 am, already?"
Taking the hint, Kate turned to leave again. "Send the Major to bed and get some rest, Carson. I'm just going to write the damn report for Elizabeth." She took a few steps before turning around one last time. Stifling a yawn, she gave a last glance at the girl before looking at Carson again. His hair was ruffled and from the look in his eyes she could tell that he hadn't slept in ages. "I am serious, Carson. We all need a good load of sleep. This is so going to be not one of the better weeks in Atlantis."
A.N.: This must have been the longest chapter I have ever written. I just love Kate Heightmeyer