Chapter 15

Song lyrics by Eve 6 – Here's to the Night

[So denied; so I lied; are you the now or never kind?]

The full moon beamed benevolently on the earth, its muted light caressing the landscape below. It sent whispers of silver slinking silently over the ocean's stygian surface. A lone seagull, weary from flight, cast a lazy shadow on the glimmering sands below, its wings playing tag with a susurrous sea breeze. The bird's raucous cry as it lanced across the cloudless sky seemed somehow less cacophonous, accompanied as it was by the dulled hush of the waves slipping against the shore.

It was a night made for innocent romance. Or bitter regret.

"Let's go." Abruptly, Shinobu grabbed Mitsuru's arm and made a beeline for the beach.

"What? Why? Shin! Ow! Hold on a sec!" 

The blonde dug his heels in the sand and refused to budge. His superior strength failed him this time, though. Shinobu's determination superceded his stubbornness and Mitsuru found himself relentlessly pulled further and further away from the drama that was being played out on the beach house stoop.

"Just trust me on this."

"Well, wait a minute then! These are my new track shoes!" 

Mitsuru snatched his arm from his roommate's almost painful grasp and proceeded to kick off his Nikes. While Shinobu waited impatiently, he then unhooked his backpack from his shoulders, unzipped it, and hunkered down, trying to stuff his footgear in the already over-packed bag. It looked to be a tricky maneuver that promised to take a while and Shinobu sighed but decided to do the same. His new boots didn't need a sand-scuffing either. 

As he fastidiously repacked his own bag, which was as meticulously organized as Mitsuru's was haphazardly, the boy snuck a glance at his roommate. Mitsuru had taken off his socks and was rolling up his jeans. He was also casting furtive glances at the shadowy pair that seemed to have been frozen at the entrance of the bungalow.

"Oh, no you don't!" Shinobu leaped up from his crouched position and grabbed at the blonde's arm again. He should have known better; the shoe excuse was a ploy to get him to let his guard down. Shinobu grinned inwardly despite himself. The master had taught the student well.

"I just wanna see what's going on! Who was that guy anyway, huh? And why did Ryan look like he was about to pass out when he saw him?"

"You ask too many questions."

"Only when my best friend keeps secrets from me. Come on, Shinobu! 'Fess up! I know you know who that is. And it's not fair that you're not telling me!" Mitsuru's voice approached whine status as he kept craning his neck to look behind him, all the while being yanked to the shoreline.

"That was my surprise. There. Are you satisfied? Now let's go and give them some privacy."

"But what about our bags?" Mitsuru made one last attempt to stall the inexorable pulling.

"Leave them." Shinobu was not going to be fooled again.

"Can you at least tell me who that is? I think I should know, just in case something dire happens to you like – oh, I don't know – your tripping over a conch shell in this dark and hitting your head on a stray rock. If I knew who that guy was, I could yell out his name for help or something…" Mitsuru trailed off as he spied the half-derisive, half-affectionate look on his roommate's face.

"That has got to be the most idiotic reason for wanting to know someone's name that I've ever heard of. And it's not even dark, you lackwit! Plus, Ryan's there. You could always scream out his na --- wait a minute! This is ridiculous! I refuse to even entertain in your addle-pated thinking!"

"Addle-pated? Is that even a word?"

"It is if I say so."

"You know, that superior attitude of yours is gonna get your teeth knocked out of you someday."

"I'd like to see someone try."

"Arrogant snob."

"Insufferable nag."

"Elitist!"

"Pest."

The two boys glared at each other, Shinobu's hand still locked on to Mitsuru's arm. The moonlight wove a gentle curtain around the combatants but the electricity that sparked between the two ruined whatever tranquility it offered. All the unspoken angst and fear and confusion and uncertainty that had wreaked havoc in both their hearts for the past three weeks crescendoed to such a magnitude that neither one was able to stem the tide of acidic vituperations.

"Supercilious toad!"

"Feckless twit."

"Selfish bastard!"

"Hopeless fool."

"Ah, to hell with this!"

Perhaps it was an admission of defeat in their verbal sparring. Perhaps it was an undeniable itch to wipe the smug composure from that well-schooled face. Perhaps it was just time. Mitsuru didn't stop to think about his motivation. He simply yanked his arm to his chest, dragging Shinobu with it. As the stunned boy fell awkwardly into his embrace, Mitsuru grabbed his best friend's shoulders and roughly captured his mouth with his own.

[In a day and a day, love, I'm gonna be gone for good again]

"Hey, you." Moon offered up a shy, lopsided smile.

Ryan blinked.

"Surprised?" Moon canted his head to the left in an effort at nonchalance.

Ryan gaped.

"Did you miss me?" Moon poked him in the chest.

Ryan began to hyperventilate.

"Oh, shit. Dude – oh, man! Ry? Whoa! Breathe, dammit!" Moon stared, wide-eyed, then flapped his arms ineffectually and circled the other boy as he dropped his bags and bent double in an instinctive attempt urge oxygen into his lungs.

"Are – you sure – you want me – to – do that?" Ryan wheezed.

"What?"

"Breathe. Coz - you know - if I stopped – breathing – you could give me mouth to mouth," Ryan grinned feebly and peered up at his friend with one eye, the other one still shut from the strain of breathing.

"You little shit! You scared the hell out of me," Moon plopped on the stoop unceremoniously and crossed his arms in a huff.

"Pot. Kettle. Black." Ryan joined his friend and the two sat silently for a minute as they collected themselves.

The irascible seagull screeched softly overhead. The ocean chuckled back.

Ryan glanced at the blonde next to him in speechless wonder. Moon. Moon was here. After all this time. And after how painfully they'd parted ways. Moon was here. And he had that same wrinkle of concern and worry on his brow, that same warm glow in his hazel eyes. Ryan felt his heart unclench and listened as the loneliness birds that had haunted him for so long took flight and soared away.

"Moon…" His voice hitched, thick with emotion, and he cleared his throat, embarrassed. True to form, Moon held still and politely looked away, pretending to scrutinize the two vague forms on the beach but really giving his friend time to compose himself. Ryan tried again.

"Moon, what are you doing here?"

"That's a hell of a way to greet your friend after all this time."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Still my friend?" The hesitation and uncertainty that clung to Ryan clouded his deep blue eyes as he waited for a response.

"Dumb ass! What do you think? Yeah, I'd fly across the frickin' Atlantic for just three frickin' days for pretty much anyone. What kind of a slut do you think I am?" Moon poked him impishly with an elbow, still not looking directly at him. But Ryan noted the un-tensing of the boy's shoulders and he relaxed a bit as well.

Then Moon's words hit him.

"Three days? Why…how…?"

"I can't stay longer, Ry. The 'rents are expecting me in Taiwan on Saturday. I had a bitch of a time getting them to let me make this stopover in the first place. But when your friend, Shinobu, called…"

"Shinobu?" Ryan interrupted. "Don't you mean Mitsuru?"

"No." Moon looked at him evenly, making eye contact at last. "Shinobu. When he called and told me about…well, I figured your dad would be too busy to be here for you and…well, you know…here I am."

Ryan was flabbergasted. Shinobu? Called Moon and told him? How did he…how much did he…?

"Besides, I was nowhere near your neighborhood and…" It was Moon's turn to clear his throat. He did so and gave Ryan another diffident smile. "I don't want to be your boyfriend or anything. I just want to know you again."

The answering grin that Ryan gifted him with was more blinding than the sun. In that moment, as they fell back into playing their favorite game of quoting movie lines at each other, both boys knew that reconciliation was at hand. Explanations could come later. And, even then, there would be no recriminations or residues of bitterness or guilt. It just wasn't their style. Ryan thanked God for Cameron Crowe and sappy romantic movies. Sometimes, they said everything better than any heartfelt apologies or Hallmark greeting cards.

Moon looked at him expectantly, waiting for his best friend's response. Ryan gladly gave it to him.

"What took you so long?"

[Are you willing to be had? Are you cool with just tonight?]

Mitsuru pulled away first and was satisfied to see his roommate speechless and adorably discombobulated. To be honest, though, the blonde was a bit disconcerted himself. Their breathing ran ragged as they stared at each other mutely. Now that the deed had been done, Mitsuru almost regretted his impulsiveness. Shinobu's grey eyes were shuttered and implacable. The only sign that anything had happened between them at all was the faint flush staining the silver-haired boy's normally pale cheeks.

Water lapped at their bare feet, drawing sand away as it ebbed and making footing a bit unstable. Shinobu jerked as a particularly mischievous wave receded with a bit more force than the previous. Was it Mitsuru's imagination, or did the boy stumble toward, rather than away, from him on purpose?

Mitsuru still had his hands clamped on his friend's shoulders and he used them to steady Shinobu against his chest. As the full length of their bodies drew close, Mitsuru became increasingly aware of a hardness teasing his left thigh. He didn't even question the thrill of anticipation and hope that rippled through him; he just reveled in it, holding Shinobu even closer and breathing in the intoxicating smell of him. Mint and sea breezes. It was a heady combination.

"Um, Mitsuru…?" Shinobu's voice was muffled, clasped as he was against the taller boy.

"Hai?" Mitsuru was afraid to break the silence but knew he had to face the music sooner or later.

"This is for calling me a toad." 

With a slight alteration to the maneuver he'd used on the cowboy, Shinobu angled his hip and threw the blonde off balance, into the air, and on his back in two seconds. Then, before Mitsuru could recover, he straddled the boy and pushed his shoulders down on the sand.

"This is for calling me a bastard." Shinobu let himself fall carelessly on the other boy, his dead weight knocking the rest of Mitsuru's already deficient wind out of him.

"And this is for finally coming to your senses." The last words were a whispered caress against Mitsuru's cheek. Shinobu bent swiftly over him and slashed his lips across the blonde's in a smoother, if no less enthusiastic, mimicry of their first kiss.

There was no anger or spontaneity to hide behind this time, no plea of temporary insanity or crime of passion to use with the judge. The kiss was hot and passionate and consensual. Bodies that were previously tensed in anger and frustration turned pliant with desire and need. Tongues earlier utilized in verbal sparring suddenly found other, more pleasurable, uses. They darted across teeth, twined around each other, traced soft, swollen lips. 

And then, abruptly, it just wasn't enough. Shinobu relinquished his ravishing of Mitsuru's mouth and transferred his attentions to the jutting collarbones that peeked out from the blonde's T-shirt. He lavished each one with equal fervor, resting his nose briefly in the hollow of the boy's throat and inhaling his musk. Then, as Mitsuru moaned insistently, he continued his perusal of the boy's body, circling his Adam's apple with his tongue then suckling at his neck.

Not to be outdone, Mitsuru clutched at Shinobu's hair, his fingertips tingling with sensitivity as they played with the silver-fine strands. He ran his hands down the column of his nape, teasing the soft fuzz there and making them stand up on end. He continued on, spreading his palms flat on the boy's muscled back. Then, grabbing a fistful of shirt, Mitsuru tugged, drawing Shinobu back up to a position where his mouth was more accessible. Mitsuru could not get enough of that mouth against his. So firm yet achingly tender at the same time. As they joined once again, Mitsuru felt himself answering Shinobu's initial hardening with one of his own. 

It was this, more than anything, that snapped Mitsuru out of his delirious haze. It was happening way too fast. He didn't mind in the least, but he also needed to be sure that they didn't do anything they would both regret later on. Mitsuru gently, reluctantly, broke contact and opened his eyes. Shinobu was an inscrutable shadow above him, blocking the moon and making it impossible for Mitsuru to determine his expression. The blonde swallowed nervously.

"Is this…is this okay with you?"

In response, Shinobu bent back down and nuzzled at his ear. It was supremely distracting, but it wasn't a satisfying answer.

"Shin? Should we be…I mean, is this right?"

Shinobu flicked his tongue expertly on Mitsuru's earlobe then sighed softly, the warmth of his breath a sharp contrast to the cool wetness his previous ministrations had left behind. Mitsuru shivered but stubbornly persisted.

"Ahhh… isn't this…a bit…unprecedented?" The blonde congratulated himself at being able to use big words when his blood was pounding wildly in exciting places.

Shinobu kept silent, his lips too busy discovering moan-inducing areas under Mitsuru's earlobe. 

"Maybe we should stop and…ohhhh!"

"You talk too much." Shinobu effectively silenced the boy with a swift hand down the blonde's pants. He boldly brushed at Mitsuru's shaft with a questing palm. 

"Ohhh…okay, then. This is Mitsuru, shutting up now." 

The boy finally gave up trying to be mature and surrendered to the exquisite pleasure of Shinobu's inventive hands. As he involuntarily arched his back in response to his body's desire, Mitsuru cast aside all thoughts of right and wrong, of "what if"s and "but then"s. Consequences be damned. Tonight was all that mattered.

[Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well]

"Are they still at it?" Moon emerged from the bungalow with three more Asahi longnecks in hand. Ryan always drank twice as much as he did. It was a given.

Ryan's gaze was riveted on the couple several meters away. The darkness gave them a modicum of privacy but the full moon's light was bright enough for curious onlookers to accurately discern what they were doing. Luckily for the pair, the only voyeurs around were tolerant of their activities. Ryan reached out a hand to accept the proffered drinks and scooted over on the stoop to give his friend some room. They clinked bottles and resumed their watch.

"Yup. Shinobu's got him on the ground. This is fascinating stuff." 

"Mhmm." Moon was noncommittal. He took a cautious swig of the beer.

Ryan gulped his down with heartier enthusiasm, then leaned back on his elbows, sighing. The air was balmy, the beer was cold and his best friend was a comfortable presence by his side. He was content. The two boys enjoyed a companionable silence for a moment, sneaking furtive peeks at the action on the beach. They did try not to be too invasive, but there was really nothing else to focus on. More easy silence. The dull roar of the ocean. Then…

"So do you do that?" Ryan queried offhandedly, unable to meet his friend's gaze.

"Why, you curious?" With a wicked smirk, Moon sidled up closer to the boy and mockingly brushed at Ryan's bangs with a coy hand.

"Knock it off!" Ryan jerked back good-naturedly but couldn't help the twinge of panic that leapt into his eyes.

"Relax!" Moon chuckled, not offended. "Can't a guy torment his best friend every once in a while? Besides, I think I hear a bit of curiosity in your tone there."

"Shut up! It's not like that. I just feel weird being the only straight guy around here. Where are the fly honies when you need them?" Ryan took another pull from his bottle to mask his embarrassment from what he realized was an insensitive remark, considering the company. He really ought to start teaching his mouth to be still.

Moon regarded his friend contemplatively. It was good to be with Ryan again, and he meant that in the most platonic sense. Moon had really missed him. For all his brash and obnoxious ways, Ryan had proven to be a talented musician, a wry comic and, for the most part, a solid friend. He had been the yang to Moon's yin; they had been good together. Their separation had eaten away at him so much that Moon had felt guilty but glad when Shinobu had called him. Yes, the news had been heart-breaking, but it had given him a reason to come to Japan and reconcile with his friend.

Now that he was here, however, all the unresolved issues they'd had between them came rushing back. Moon did not want a repeat of what had happened before. Not now. Not when he'd promised Shinobu – and himself – that nothing would ruin Ryan's last hurrah. But he had to know where Ryan stood. So his next question was phrased as carefully and casually as possible.

"Is this whole thing creeping you out?" 

"You know," Ryan paused thoughtfully. "Not really."

"Liar!" Moon teased but dared to hope.

"Wait! Hear me out, okay?" Ryan gulped down more beer and wished for the cigarettes Moon had peremptorily taken away from him earlier. "I guess, after spending some time with them, I think I see things differently now. Oh sure, they aren't flaming gay or anything. I mean, shit! This is the first time I've even seen them go at it, you know? Those two have been in denial since I first met them. But I felt it, you know? Like I felt it with you."

"That must have freaked you out. You leave one homo and then get two in the bargain," Moon was self-deprecating.

"Will you quit it for just a sec? I'm trying to be all introspective here!"

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt your introspective moment. Want me to take notes?"

"If you don't shut up, I swear I'll…"

"Kiss me?"

"MOON!" Ryan was scandalized and shot up to make his escape.

"Alright, alright! I'm kidding! Kidding, okay?" Moon laughed and pulled the boy back down on the stoop. 

Ryan sat, somewhat appeased but muttering suspiciously to himself about untrustworthy horndogs and his bad luck to be saddled with a whole passel them.

"You were saying?" Moon prompted after a period of Sakata self-pity.

"Well, so those two were eyeing each other like kids and the last piece of cake, you know? But neither one of them wanted to admit it. I gotta say, it was kinda fun playing them off the other. You shoulda seen Shinobu get all medieval on my ass when I flirted with Mitsuru."

"You flirted with Mitsuru?" Moon choked on his beer.

Ryan thumped his friend's back, grinning. "Yeah. You would've been proud. And it was so fun getting them all riled up, you know? But when I thought about it some more, especially when I was in the hospital and had really nothing to do, I realized it was a game for me, but it wasn't for them. For them, it was really painful. I hear it hurts like that."

"Yeah. It does." Moon said quietly. 

Ryan chose to ignore that. There was really nothing he could have said or done to make Moon's personal demons go away. And he didn't think Moon expected anything from him anyway. So he pressed on.

"So I watched and I waited and okay, so I took notes. Happy now? But no matter how I looked at it, I came up with the same answer. They were guys, yeah. But they had this thing between them, you know? This vibe. Even if it was unspoken, it was there. It was real love, I guess."

"And?" Moon held his breath.

"And I think if two people really love each other, gender doesn't much factor into the equation." 

Ryan gulped down the dregs of his beer and realized he really meant what he'd said. It surprised him, but he realized that he'd known it all along and that only his pride and his stubbornness had kept him from acknowledging it sooner. He thought of every clichéd song lyric there ever was and conceded that they were clichéd for a reason. Love did transcend all boundaries; it could overcome all obstacles. 

And there were different kinds of love. Shinobu and Mitsuru's passion. Moon's patient friendship. His father's misdirected affection. Hell, Rufus probably loved in his own fashion too! So, since there were different kinds of love, it stood to good reason that these would be expressed in different kinds of ways. 

Epiphany number two: I am not alone. I don't need to be strong by myself anymore. I can let other people be strong with me. For me. I can stop being scared now.

Life was funny, really. It took tragic news, the return of a prodigal and the frenzied lovemaking of two people no longer in denial to make him see what had been there all along. Ryan looked down at his empty beer bottle then back up at the shadowy couple on the sand. He smiled wryly and reached for his second beer. Holding it out across the space between him and his best friend, he offered up his bottle for a toast.

"It's really a beautiful thing, isn't it?"

Moon exhaled. He knew Ryan meant more than just what was implied. The blonde reached over and clinked his bottle against the other's in acknowledgment.

"Yes, it really is."

[Here's to the nights we felt alive] 

Summer's end always seems so sad. Bittersweet. You can taste the change in the air. The heat isn't as harsh on your skin; the days draw to a close more quickly. Freedom slips from your grasp with a reluctant lingering of the fingertips. There is a sad sort of desperation in trying to hang on to it, but the welling feeling of resignation and inevitability is undeniable.

So, instead, you focus on the today. Carpe diem. You fling yourself into a mad whirlwind of activity and manic fun, as if this will somehow slow the seconds, prolong the summer. What you're really doing, though, is adding to your stock of memories. So that later, when you find yourself alone and cold, and the snow is falling and it's dark and grey outside, you can pull out your little treasure box of summers past. You can open it carefully, making sure that none escape, and you can pull them out one by one and remember each color, each smell, each song that brings you back to the days when all was blithe and carefree.

This will be my best summer memory. I know this already. I will never forget how we slept all day, shunning the sunlight like vampires, coming out only when the call of the moon's soft light lured us to play. How we conquered the midnight hour and turned it into forever as we sat by the warmth of a makeshift fire. How we talked about nothing in particular and tried to make sense out of life and the universe and our existence in it. How we fell into a strange camaraderie, our motley crew, drinking many beers to a point of happy drunkenness. How a night seemed like an eternity as we watched the stars wink goodbye and the sun slowly turned a velvet vastness into a violent palette of oranges and striated reds. 

I will never forget falling into his arms as we stumbled indoors once more. How we unabashedly walked into the same room and firmly closed the door. How we whispered idiotic little phrases that would have felt awkward in daylight but was just right in that moment of hushed pre-dawn. How I taught him where to touch me and what to do to make me helpless with pleasure. How he taught me that mouths and lips and teeth and hands were quick learners. 

I will never forget this summer. I will never forget how he looked into my eyes for the first time and shared his heart with me. I will never forget the night Mitsuru told me he loved me. 

[Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry]

I've stopped counting how many times Shinobu has lost his cool. In the span of a mere few weeks, I have witnessed him openly peeved, frustrated, angry and – best of all – deliriously happy. And it humbles me to think that I have been the catalyst to opening the dam.

Shinobu loves me. How could I have been so blind? Well, maybe not blind, but stubbornly insistent that I could never be so lucky as to have been given such an amazing present. Shinobu loves me. 

We almost wasted this whole summer. We – I – should have listened to Ryan. He knew, damn him. And he'd been trying to tell me all along, but my fears and insecurities kept me from admitting it, even to myself. I could have lost him. I could have lost my chance. Because, knowing Shin, he would never have made the first move. He would have waited for me. That's just the kind of person he is.

I can't stop thinking about him. The way his smile creeps up on his face when I put my hand on his shoulder. The way he says my name in that husky growl right before he swoops in and steals a kiss when he thinks no one is looking. The way he gets in bed. The way, at times, he seems to be the master of the situation then turns shy and hesitant when we're alone, as if even he can't believe this is happening between us.

Like the night I told him I loved him. It seemed the thing to say. Ryan and Moon had gone back to the house for more marshmallows and the fire had sparked up suddenly, sending ashes flying. A stray ember had caught in his hair and I reached over to brush it away. I looked into his eyes and I blurted it out. I love you. And he started to cry.

Not the chest-heaving, sobbing kind. I don't think Shin could ever lose control that much. But the tears did come and they trickled down his cheeks and I was horrified that I'd done something wrong and I was about to stumble away from him when he stopped me, pulled me close and hugged me. Just a hug. Nothing crazy. Nothing melodramatic. He just squeezed me tight. And right then and there, I knew. I knew I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to leave me. Ever. Shinobu loves me. And I love him right back.

[Here's to goodbye; tomorrow's gonna come too soon]

This is not happening. I refuse to be a witness to this. I am in denial. My best friend is not dying.

I tell myself this and almost believe it because, for the past two days, he hasn't looked sick at all. He's been the same Ryan I've known – all sarcastic humor and self-deprecating wit. He still drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney. Damn. I should've hidden those cigarettes where he'd never have found them. Down my pants, perhaps?

God, Moon, pining away much? It's no use. No matter how many times I tell myself I'm over him, that I'm just here to support my best friend, I still feel that tightening in my chest when I look at him. But that could also be partly sorrow. Because, when he thinks no one's watching, he lets his guard down and I see the fear and the grief and the resignation in his eyes. His beautiful, blue eyes. And it's tearing me up inside.

I wrote a song for him. He found it, along with his cigarettes, in my duffel bag. I caught him reading it and it was kinda funny, the way we both looked guiltily at each other, for different reasons, of course. He knew it was about him. But he didn't say anything. Just stuffed the piece of paper in his back pocket and brushed past me. I thought that was it, then. I thought for sure he would just ignore me for the remainder of my stay.

But that night, at the beach, by the fire, he proved me wrong. Mitsuru and Shinobu were trying to teach me some Japanese cuss words and I was failing dismally with the pronunciation when he came walking toward us with his guitar. The Martin acoustic. He didn't look at any of us. He just plopped down by the fire, closed his eyes and began to play. Shinobu had told me that he'd quit the guitar when I'd left him. So when I saw the Martin and when he started strumming, I couldn't help it. My eyeballs got all sweaty. I knew what he was saying. In his own way, he was telling me he loved me. He was playing my song. 

Tomorrow will not come. I refuse to say goodbye. My best friend is not dying. I almost believe it.

[Put your name on the line, along with place and time]

[Wanna stay…not to go…I wanna ditch the logical]

When your number's up, you just gotta go. And you just gotta be a man about it. No whining or complaining. Hell, and definitely no crying. That would just make you a wimp. Your dignity would go down the toilet after that. And no one wants to be remembered that way.

So what do I do to stop the lump in my throat from turning into a full-blown sob fest? I drink. I smoke. I fold paper cranes. Yeah, those damned cranes. I think I'm at about nine hundred now. Not enough for me to make my wish yet. But I don't believe in that fairy tale anymore. After all, I only had to get to eight fifty before Moon came back.

And I don't think I can get to a thousand before I croak anyway. The doctors knew. I told them to lie to Mitsu and Shin, though; there was no way I'd be a downer and ruin their vacation too. So the guys think I've got, on the upside, a good two more months of spanking good health before I wither away and die. But I'm not gonna wither away. I think it's gonna come pretty quick. At least I hope so. 

I can't stand the headaches and the pain in my joints anymore. I hate that I'm tired all the damned time. I hate brushing my hair in the morning and pulling out hunks of it. I hate not being able to go out in the sun. And the fever's back. But I don't tell the guys. Not that the lovebirds would've noticed anyway.

Moon's been great, though. Stoic little bastard. He knows more than he's letting on, but he just keeps it all in. That's Moon for you. I know he's leaving tomorrow so I hope I can hold out till then. I owe him that much. But, damn! The pills aren't working and it's really getting harder to breathe. So this is what it feels like to die. I wonder if Mom felt the same way?

I called my dad the other day. When everyone else was asleep. I thought I could catch him, but no dice. So I left a message on his voice mail instead. I gave him the doctors' report and the name of the main guy who was in charge of my case; that dude deserves lots of money for putting up with my shit. I told him where I was, told him to kiss the secretary for me. I told him about Mitsu and Shin and how I was in good hands. I told him about Rufus sneaking into the liquor cabinet at home and how he swiped the good vodka. I told him I loved him. Then I said goodbye.

Shit. Am I forgetting something? I feel like I'm packing for a trip and I need to take care of everything before I leave because I don't wanna come back to a big, fat mess. But this trip is one way, right? So I guess I'm worrying over nothing. Mitsu and Shin are together. Moon and I made up. I made my peace with my dad. Everything else can either wait or go to hell.

All is good. So why the hell am I still folding these damn paper cranes? What else do I have to wish for? To live? For what? I hurt all over and I don't wanna be some bed-ridden vegetable. I wanna go quick like Morrisson or Hendrix. And I've had a good life, I think. I got to party hard with a coupla big name rock stars; got to live the whole sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle. Okay, maybe not the sex part…oh, shit! I'm gonna die a fucking virgin. Damn. So maybe that's something to live for, huh?

But if my time's up, no thousand cranes is gonna keep me from checking out. I know my name's somewhere on a list. Let's just hope its Saint Peter's and not Satan's. Whoa, Ryan, head check! You're getting all religious, you ass. Maybe you should go find a beer…

[Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well]

"Obon is a Buddhist festival that takes place in the middle of August during which memorial services are held for deceased ancestors. It is said that on Obon, the ancestors' spirits return to this world and visit their relatives. People traditionally hang lanterns in front of their houses in order to guide their ancestors' spirits. Food offerings are made at house altars and at temples, and special dances (bon-odori) are performed. At the end of the festival, floating lanterns are put into rivers and seas to guide the spirits back into their world."

"Shin, do you ever let up with the learning?" Ryan lounged on the sand and threw wood chips into the fire. "Coz, you know, in case you've forgotten, we're on summer break."

"For your information, I'm just sharing some knowledge with our guest," Shinobu retorted primly, shutting the book with an annoyed thump.

"It's okay, Shinobu. Ry's just being an ass, as usual. Here, dude, have another beer!" Moon tossed the boy a bottle and chuckled as Ryan hastily bolted up and juggled the ice-slick Asahi.

Mitsuru did not look up from the lantern he was fashioning, his tongue sticking out in concentration. Most of the conversation was lost to him anyway, his English not being as fluent as Shinobu's. He didn't mind, though. It just felt good sitting on the beach and enjoying the last dog days of summer with those closest to him. He had felt a twinge of guilt at the thought of not spending the holidays with his family, but when he'd explained the situation to them, his parents had actually encouraged him to stay. Sho hadn't been too thrilled, though. Mitsuru would have to make it up to the boy when he got home.

"There. Done." The blonde glued the last bit of bamboo to the rice paper and held up the lantern for all to see. His lover thought he looked like an adorable little boy showing off his first art project.

"It's beautiful." Shinobu complimented.

"It's perfect." Moon congratulated.

"It's lopsided." Ryan frowned and was immediately pelted with bottle caps by the other three. "Okay, okay! It's beautiful and perfect, okay? Good job, Mitsu. Now quit chucking things at me. You know, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!"

Moon cast one last cap in his best friend's direction before subsiding contentedly by the fire. It was his last night and it couldn't have been more amazing. The evening sky was a deep indigo, cloudless and star-strung. The ocean breeze gusted at the shore, rippling at fire and hair and shifting sands. There were other people on the beach, holding their own Obon lanterns in preparation for the festivities to come. The resort had planned it so that anyone who wished could float their offerings at the same time. It promised to be a spectacular show of light and color. Not quite fireworks, but a gentle display more in keeping with the mood Moon was in.

"What time is it anyway? Shouldn't we be heading toward the water soon?" Ryan wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked instinctively at their leader.

Shinobu glanced at his watch then peered at the other bonfires strewn along the beach. "You're right. Let's go."

He got up smoothly and held out his hand to Mitsuru. Cradling the fragile lantern against his chest, the blonde gratefully accepted the help up. Moon looked questioningly at Ryan to see if he needed the same aid, but the boy remained reclined where he was. He waved at the other three imperiously.

"I changed my mind. I'll just stay here and guard the fort. I can see fine where I'm at. You go, Moon. It'll be fun."

"Are you sure?" Moon had that worried frown on his face again.

"Yeah, yeah. Quit mothering me. I'm just too lazy to get up," Ryan lied.

The truth was that he'd been having trouble breathing and lying down seemed to help ease the constriction in his lungs. He tried to be nonchalant for everyone's sake, though, and it seemed to work. Moon stood up with the other two, wiping at his pants to shake some of the sand off.

"Hey, guys! Before you go, how about one more for the road?" Ryan waggled his bottle suggestively.

"You're a lush!" Moon wrinkled his nose in mock disgust.

"And you're queer. So we're even. Now, about that drink...?" 

There was no rancor in Ryan's tone, only a fond wryness that his best friend found exasperating and endearing at the same time. It was hard to say no to him when he got like that. The little blonde sighed but picked up a beer. Mitsuru looked to Shinobu who shrugged and did the same, snagging one for his roommate.

Bottles in hand, the three boys hovered over Ryan like harem girls over a rajah. The comparison made Ryan smirk but then he schooled his features to a properly solemn cast. Breathing shallowly and trying not to reveal his difficulty, he raised his bottle high.

"To life, love and the pursuit of all things decadent!"

"To life!" Moon echoed.

"To love." Shinobu glanced at his roommate.

"And the pursuit of all things decadent," Mitsuru returned his gaze and winked, letting Shinobu know that he understood what the word meant and that he would make good on his toast later on.

The boys of summer clinked bottles and gulped down the frothy beverages with gusto. In that one magical moment, underneath a fey sky, enveloped in the warmth of friendship and a roaring fire, they felt invincible, like mighty deities trodding the earth beside unsuspecting mortals. Ryan watched as his friends left their drinks and walked toward the shore. Three glorious gods, each imprinting their own special mark on his heart. He would miss them all.

[All my time is froze in motion]

Shinobu held Mitsuru's hand as they watched the shimmering of a thousand lanterns bob on the surface of the black waters. Next to them, several people were casting disapproving glares their way but neither one noticed. They were too wrapped up in each other to care.

The cold water rushed up to numb their bare feet and Shinobu shivered. Letting go of his hand, Mitsuru drew back behind him and encircled him in his arms instead, sharing his body's warmth. The blonde tucked his chin over Shinobu's shoulder, in the hollow above his collar bone, and gazed at the lanterns floating silently away.

"I wish this could last forever."

"I know."

"But it can't, can it?"

"With you, anything is possible."

"I love you."

"I know."

Shinobu shifted around to face his lover. They looked at each other for a moment, then at the other people peppering the beach. They grinned at the same time.

"Do you care?" Shinobu quirked up an eyebrow.

"Not if you don't." Mitsuru answered with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

And so they kissed. And they discovered that it just got better with every one they shared. They could have gone on like that forever. But then Moon screamed.

[Can't I stay an hour or two or more?]

Ryan felt himself falling heavily on the sand and was a bit surprised at the sudden loss of control over his limbs. Just a second ago, he had creakily gotten up and had been waving to Moon. Now he found himself prostrate on the ground, gasping for air like a fish out of water. He clutched at his left arm and wondered at the dull ache there. He wished it would go away.

He had wanted to see the lanterns better and, although he did have a good vantage point because of the slight rise in the sand where they'd started their fire, his view had been blocked by several people in front of him. So he'd stood up at the same time that Moon had turned to check up on him. He had waved to signal that he was okay when his body had betrayed him.

No. Not yet. Not now. Hold on until Moon leaves. His flight is tomorrow. Wait for Dad. Maybe he got the message. He might be on his way now. No. Not yet. Please, God, not yet. Just a couple more hours…

Then Moon was above him, bending over him, yelling something. What was he saying? Other people were crowding around him. There were too many of them. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see the stars. He wanted to see the stars…

"Moon! What is it? What's wrong?" Shinobu reached him first, Mitsuru right on his heels, shoving curious onlookers away with an angry arm.

"It's Ryan. He fell and he's getting all pale and it looks like he's stopped breathing and all these people…I don't understand what they're saying! Make them go away! Please! Just make them go away!" Moon gabbled hysterically, all the while pumping Ryan's chest in a vain attempt at CPR.

Shinobu stood up and barked loudly at the crowd to back off. Beside him, Mitsuru started ordering people away as well. The blonde didn't need to understand Moon to realize what was going on. Ryan's waxen face told him all he needed to know.

[Don't let me let you go]

Moon continued to pound on his chest. 

"Don't you dare die now, you sorry son of a bitch! Do you know how much this plane ticket cost me? You owe me big time! You can't die now, damn you!"

It wasn't working. Ryan's face was turning blue. Moon stopped the thumping and grabbed at his nose, leaned over to breath frantically in his mouth. Crazily, the blonde remembered Ryan's greeting that first day on the stoop.

"If you're faking this to get some mouth to mouth, I swear I'll kill you myself!" Moon gasped as he surfaced for air. 

Ryan's face remained lifeless and still.

"Ry? Ry! Ryan, wake up! Knock it off! This isn't funny anymore. Stop joking around, okay? Ryan, please wake up! Please! I just got you back…I don't want to let you go yet. Please? Ryan? I just want to say goodbye…"

A hush fell over the crowd. Shinobu stopped in mid-bark and looked over his shoulder. Mitsuru was hunkered down next to Moon, his hand on the other boy's shoulder. The two blond heads were bowed in immeasurable grief, Moon whispering something softly. Ryan lay on his back, head tilted up, eyes wide and unseeing as if searching for something in the sky. 

An inexplicable urge made Shinobu turn away from the tragedy and look to the sea. He watched the lanterns. A thousand pinpricks of candle flame, burning brightly for the briefest of moments before flicker-fading, swallowed up by that good night.

[Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well]

Moon looked up bravely from the poem clutched in his trembling hands and felt proud that he'd finished strong. His voice had not broken once throughout the eulogy. Perhaps it had been the relative objectivity of speaking someone else's words; he hoped Ryan forgave him his plagiarism of Dylan Thomas. 

It was almost over. He was the last speaker. Once he stepped down from the podium, the priest would say the final prayer and then the pallbearers would lift up the casket and take him away. Forever. He would never see those blue eyes spark with laughter or spike with pain. Would never hear the husky voice that could alternate from sharp sarcasm to gentle crooning at the drop of a hat. Would never watch the fingers trip effortlessly along the frets of a Fender Stratocaster. 

Moon almost lost it then as the memories washed over him. But he remembered how much Ryan hated crying and so took strength in the words he had just spoken. He glanced down at the poem once more and, through eyes blurry with tears, reread the last lines silently to himself.

Do not go gentle into that good night…rage, rage against the dying of the light… 

Someone coughed. Another shifted, the rustle of fabric echoing loudly in the silent church. They were waiting for him to step down. His eyes swept over heads until they found Hiro Sakata's. Ryan's father met his gaze impassively. Then Moon blinked. For a split second, he could have sworn that he'd seen Ryan behind the man, his hands on his father's shoulders and grinning up at him, daring him…

Moon didn't question it. All he knew was that the weight that had been crushing his heart for the past week suddenly disappeared and he was able to finish his speech with a tremulous smile.

"If Ryan was here right now, I'm pretty sure he'd be laughing at us. He'd be asking where the beer was, cigarette stuck to his lips. He'd be listening to loud, raunchy music from the earphones perpetually stuck in his ears. And he'd be telling us that we were idiots for mourning him when he was living it up with fly honies in heaven. That's how I'd like to remember him, anyway. Ryan Sakata was a hell of a musician and a crazy son of a bitch. He was also my best friend. And I loved him."

[Here's to the nights we felt alive]

[Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry]

"Shin?"

"Hai."

"What are you doing? It's late. Come to bed."

"It's not so late. I still hear Hasukawa whining about failing his English exams."

"I've managed to become immune to the little brat's voice. Now it's just like a cricket, ceaseless chirping that's only annoying when someone points it out. Thanks, Shin, for pointing it out."

"My pleasure."

Mitsuru groaned and dragged himself from the bottom bunk, wrapping the blanket around him and coming to stand behind his roommate who was by the window. With casual familiarity, he opened his arms and drew Shinobu into the folds of the downy softness, pulling the boy possessively against his bare chest.

"What are you doing up anyway? I thought I'd finally managed to tire you out." Mitsuru nibbled at his ear.

"Your efforts were much appreciated, but…" 

"Much appreciated? That's it? That's all I get after that spectacular feat of intense lovemaking? Okay, 'fess up! Are you having…issues?" Mitsuru reached down and fondled his lover, his words teasing even as his actions took on a more serious cast.

"Mitsu, do you know what today is?" Gently, so as not to be mistaken for a rejection, Shinobu guided his lover's hand away from his half-arousal and clutched it close to his chest instead.

"August 15th?"

"Hai."

"And?"

"I got an email from Moon today."

"Oh." Mitsuru released the boy abruptly and went back to sit on the lower bunk.

Shinobu sighed. This was going to be difficult.

"Moon wanted us to do him a favor."

"No."

"Mitsu…"

"No, Shin. I don't want to think about it."

"It's been a year, Mitsuru. That's why Moon contacted me. He wanted us to go back to Okinawa and celebrate Obon there, in memory of – "

"Stop! Don't! Don't say his name!"

"Mitsuru, don't you think it's time to let it go?"

"You don't get it, do you? You think it's that easy! Don't you think I've tried letting it go? But I can't! Everyone I love leaves me, Shin! First my real parents, then Ryan. What makes me so sure you won't leave me too?"

Shinobu froze briefly as his sheer stupidity came crashing down on him. Of course! That was it! And to think he could have made the anger and fear that lurked in those amethyst eyes disappear long before this! The silver-haired boy left his watch by the window and approached his lover. Kneeling in front of him, he cupped Mitsuru's cheeks in his hands and forced him to look up.

"Mitsuru, listen to me. Are you listening?" Shinobu jostled the blonde's head gently to get his attention.

"I'm listening," Mitsuru grumbled and lifted his eyes to stare at the grey in acknowledgment.

"I am not going anywhere. I will never leave you. I love you. Do you understand?"

"But…"

"I never thought you needed for me to say it; I thought my actions spoke for themselves."

"They do, but…"

"I'm not promising forever, Mitsuru. I'm not God. I don't know what tomorrow has in store for us. All I can guarantee is today. Today, I know that I'm not leaving you. And you know who we have to thank for today and all the other todays we've had, don't you?"

"Ryan."

"Hai."

Mitsuru had dropped his eyes during Shinobu's speech, but at that whispered "hai", he looked up to meet his lover's gaze once more. The fear and anger that had skulked so long in those amethyst orbs were finally dissipating, to be replaced by sadness and acceptance. Shinobu knew it would take more than this one night of confession and unburdening to completely eradicate Mitsuru's anxieties, but at least it was out in the open now, not poisoning his mind with imagined horrors. The healing could finally begin.

"Do you ever get tired, knowing you're always right?"

The healing could have manifested in a different way, Shinobu grinned wryly to himself. Still, Mitsuru's whining was better than the festering moroseness that had plagued the blonde for the past year. And it was infinitely more attractive than Hasukawa's. He released the blonde's face and stood up, relieved that the tension was slinking from the room on little cat feet. Shinobu put on his most haughty expression and prepared to have some fun with his lover.

"It is a monumental burden that I bear with great patience and fortitude." The silver-haired boy announced in that pompous manner he knew drove Mitsuru up the wall.

"I hate it when you talk like that!"

"I know."

"But you do it anyway."

"I know."

"On purpose. To annoy me."

"Yes. But that's why you love me, ne?"

Mitsuru stood up and let the blanket fall from his shoulders. Shinobu tensed imperceptibly as he gazed with growing hunger at the blonde's muscled chest and firm stomach. Mitsuru watched the transformation from mock condescension to passionate desire and marveled once again at the effect he had on his lover. 

His lover. Shinobu was right. Maybe they would have realized their feelings for each other eventually, but then again, maybe not. They both had Ryan to thank for proving the catalyst, however inadvertent, to their relationship. And they owed it to him to grant his best friend's wish. 

They would go to Okinawa and light the lantern and think of summers past. They would start a bonfire and raise bottles in toast of his memory. They would finally say goodbye. But they would never forget.

"Yes, koi. That's why I love you."

[Here's to goodbye; tomorrow's gonna come too soon]