The Talk
For WickedColdfire05, Sapho's Daughter, clarkson04 and snowbear96
for your kind words and the smile they brought to my face. I was
planning on making this a one-shot, but… Oh hell, I'm weak.
Ellie needed a chapter in her pov too;) I
hope you like it.
Love,
Jellicos
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She arrived at the residence half an hour later, determined not to cry, to pretend she hadn't just gotten her heart ripped from her chest and her ego stomped upon by a six foot goddess in heels.
Two minutes she waited, pacing the floor of the bedroom that was assigned to her, a dark room with heavy drapes and a line of framed photographs of the family to make it more personal, only the pictures had been framed and displayed by someone else. Two minutes she held on before flipping open her cellphone and hitting speed dial.
After three signals, the familiar voice on the other end made her exhale in relief.
"Hey tiny." She said, smiling into the receiver as she sat down in the pattern clad chair that seemed like a good idea at a time when comfort was not in fashion. A well known rustle of cloth and wind made her guess that the woman on the other end was on break, most likely walking between campus buildings.
"What's up stranger? I haven't heard from you in two days." Their tone was light and teasing, putting Ellie in a state of relaxation she'd been missing for the last few hours.
"I messed up Zoe." She confessed with a sigh. The Bartlet girls had always been close; with absent parents they had always relied on each other for comfort and advice. It had always gone in ascending order of age, Ellie had talked to Liz, Zoey had talked to Ellie, but the past couple of years, Ellie had confided more and more in her little sister. After all, it wasn't an easy task to try and convince your older sibling that your love life was important when her daughter had just decided that Christmas was a commercial institution and she wanted nothing to do with it. So as Liz dove into motherhood, Zoey and Ellie exchanged dating-stories and advice.
"Hold on." She could hear Zoey move and then the sound of a door closing on the other end. "Shoot." She ordered, and with a deep breath, Ellie started re-telling the events of this afternoon. Zoey let her ramble on, a quiet 'mhm' or other appropriate reaction was heard every time Ellie stopped for air.
"… I kissed her Zoe! God!" She stood up, not so much because of the uncomfortable chair that had managed to make her left butt cheek fall asleep, but because of the restlessness of humiliation. "I'm such an idiot." She snarled at herself, trying to ignore the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone.
"Oh my god. Ellie!" Christ Zoey, this really wasn't the time for squealing, she thought to herself, but didn't say it. It wouldn't matter, her little sister would go on for a few minutes before coming to her senses and realise what an utter mess Ellie had made of the situation.
"You kissed CJ?" She had to bite her lip not to grin at the awed tone in Zoey's voice.
"This so isn't a good thing Zoe!" She tried to scold, but her slight chuckle at her sister's reaction diminished her sincerity.
"Are you kidding? It's about damn time!"
"What?" College life must be doing funny things to the youngest Bartlet…
"Common! You've been pining over her forever." She was glad Zoey couldn't see her blush.
"You knew?" Awkward was far from describing Ellie's state of mind right now. Complete embarrassment was more like it. How obvious had she been? Well, seems like she took the press secretary by surprise anyway, Ellie thought dryly.
"Was it a secret?" She could tell Zoey was holding her giggles back and she was grateful for it, but the teasing wasn't helping right now.
"Oh god…" She slumped down on her bed, her back moving up and down slightly from the much too tightly wound springs in the mattress.
"So, how was it?" Any other time, she would have smiled at how her sister was fishing for details about her so-called love life, but this time it just stung her heart. So she just sighed.
"That bad?" The sympathetic tone of her voice, forced Ellie to fight back the tears.
"I think I shocked her." She confessed, deciding that her only way to get some perspective on her situation was to confide in the only person she trusted. "She just stood there."
"Just stood there? CJ?" The incredulousness in her voice was almost comical.
"Yupp."
"Wait…" She could hear Zoey sit up as if by changing positions it would help her get a better grasp on things. "She just stood there as you kissed her? CJ? CJ Cregg? Dad's press secretary CJ Cregg?" This time Ellie gave a huff at the comedy.
"Yeah, that's the one." She was allowed some sarcasm in this conversation.
"But, I, what happened? I mean, after the kiss, what did she say?" Ellie could almost hear the wheels turn in Zoey's mind.
"I don't know, she never finished a sentence." She sighed again.
"Ok, we are talking about the same person right?"
"Yeah, CJ Cregg, the tall woman on C-SPAN." With the killer legs. Only she didn't say the last part out loud.
"Ok, just checking. Go on."
"She said she was sorry, that we should talk about it. Damn it, why can't I just keep my mouth to myself!" She couldn't help but smile slightly at Zoey's infectious chuckle. "I don't know, I apologised and told her to forget it ever happened."
"Why did you do that?!" Zoey almost yelled at her.
"Because I don't want her to come check on me, making sure that my fragile little ego isn't hurt, explain to me that she's just not like that and she's sorry for getting my hopes up." She closed her eyes, forcing back the tears that felt it was their time to surface as her mind played much too vivid images of CJ's patronising face as she told Ellie that someday she'd find that special girl.
"Yeah, she would do that, wouldn't she?" Zoey sighed on the other end.
"How do you do it Zoe?" She asked her voice now slightly tinted by the fight against her tear canal.
"How do I do what?"
"See him." She didn't have to say anything else. They'd had so many talks about Charlie Young that she knew that Zoey could read it in her voice by now when she was referring to him.
"I start dating idiot French royalty." She sneered. "It's hard, I don't know if it ever will be different."
"Yeah."
"I'm really sorry Ellie." The sincerity in her voice was too much for Ellie.
"Thanks." She offered quietly.
"Elle?" Her tentative voice warned Ellie that the question to come was a hard one.
"Yeah?" She squeezed her eyes shut even tighter, bracing herself for whatever it was that Zoey was going to ask her.
"Do you, I mean, this is real, isn't it?" Damn her for knowing her so well.
"Yeah." She confessed, not daring to speak the words out loud. "I've got to…" She trailed off, but Zoey took the hint.
"Call me later, okay?" She asked, and Ellie nodded against her phone.
"I will." She managed to utter.
"Love you." She could feel Zoey reaching out to her.
"Love you too sis." She whispered before snapping her phone shut.
She stayed laying down on the bed a little while longer, throwing the phone over her head and clasping her hands over her face. Just a few moments to calm down, deep breaths, there you go, no tears.
She was not going to cry over CJ, there was no way. And Zoey was right; it was going to be tough. She'd just have to avoid visiting her parents, and when she did, stay the hell away from the West Wing. This wasn't really love, just some twisted celebrity-crush or something.
"Damn it." She breathed. The knock on her door couldn't have come at a worse time. But then, her mom wasn't famous for her excellent timing either. Knowing the good Dr Abigail Bartlet would see right through her if given the chance, Ellie stood up and wiped her face quickly. She wasn't in a mood to tell her mother she had a crush on a member of daddy's staff.
"Come in." She called as she turned to her dresser. She might as well get her four pieces of clothing packed back down; she couldn't wait to get back to John Hopkins. Sure she'd taken the week off, but there was no way she was going to stay now. Work would do her good, and she was sure her parents would understand her desire to return to her research. As the door swung open she wondered if her mother already knew something was wrong, it was the only reason she could think of as to why the door opened so hesitantly.
"I'm sorry mom, I know I said I'd be staying the week, but I really need to get back, there was this thing in…" She spoke as casually as she could as she grabbed her shirt from the second drawer and turned to place it in her suitcase. But both her limbs and speech came to an abrupt halt as she looked towards the doorway.
"I'm sorry; Charlie told me you were in here…" She'd never seen the press secretary look so uncomfortable. She had one arm wrapped so tightly around her it almost looked like her stomach hurt, all her weight rested on her left foot while her eyes darted around the room. It was a far cry from the confidant woman she was so used to seeing protecting her territory in the White House.
"I'm packing." She wondered how one woman could make her sound this dumb, but as CJ caught her eye and Ellie's knees turned wobbly, she knew the answer to her own question.
"You're leaving? I thought you were staying the rest of the week." CJ straightened up, regaining some of her characteristic self-confidence.
"Something came up." Way to work the short answers Ellie.
"Me." Ok, so CJ was better with the short replies. Fuck, since when was she so direct?
"Can we not do this?" She couldn't face the thought of getting the talk from CJ, not now, not ever. Wasn't it enough that she knew it would never happen? It wasn't like she'd ever bother the woman again, not after how she made a fool of herself earlier today.
"What am I doing?" She looked genuinely confused and Ellie made a decision. If CJ could be direct, so could she. It was the only way to get this over with.
"Look, CJ…" She took a deep breath, ignoring how nice it felt to say her name like that or how good it felt to have her to herself here in her bedroom. Brushing all those dangerous thoughts aside, she placed the properly folded shirt on her nightstand and sat down on the edge of her bed. "It's ok, I get it, I don't need a speech."
"Ellie, I don't…" She started, but trailed off as Ellie decided it was too confined to be sitting during this conversation and stood up.
"You're not gay, I should have realised. Don't worry about it. Mom and dad don't know and I won't put you in the position to spin the fact that the President's daughter is gay." She rambled on as she paced back and forth between her bed and her dresser, not realising she'd packed some old clothes that she didn't even fit into anymore. "I'm fine, really. Don't worry about it."
"Ok." She was glad she was standing by the dresser because her back was towards CJ as the woman spoke. She couldn't believe how badly a single word from this woman's mouth could affect her. Damn her. "Can I say something?" She asked and Ellie had to swallow hard before she could reply.
"Of course." She said, back still turned towards the other woman. She almost cringed at how much she sounded like her mother when her dad had hurt her.
"I'm not here to give you 'the talk,' I'm not sure why I'm here, but that's not why." CJ's voice was moving closer and Ellie grabbed a hold of the top of the dresser for support. "You really think I care about how to spin that the President's middle daughter's gay? I'm worried your father will rip my head off if I even mention your name in the press room, but that isn't the point." Her soft chuckle sent involuntary warmth spreading across Ellie's skin. "Hell, my own sexuality would only be news until the press core got fed again, and you they like."
Before she realised what she'd done, Ellie had turned to face the press secretary, only to pull back slightly as she realised how close CJ really was.
"You're… gay?" God, could she have sounded any more pre-pubescent?
"Wasn't that why you kissed me?" The mention of the kiss from her lips made Ellie shiver visibly. CJ looked surprised, as if she thought Ellie already knew.
"No." She couldn't think of anything else to say. It was all so surreal, so confusing.
"I don't know what to do about this." CJ revealed, bowing her head down slightly before moving a step back and sitting down on Ellie's bedspread.
"CJ, you don't have to do anything, just…" She didn't know how to finish the sentence. She'd never seen the press secretary like this, so honest and vulnerable, and she felt a strange sense of pride for having witnessed it.
"Don't leave." The request took her so completely off guard she didn't know how to respond. "Just… you were going to stay the week, right?" Ellie nodded, momentarily forgetting how to make use of her vocal chords. "Don't leave yet, stay the week. Please?" It was the pleading note in the last words that took away all choice Ellie had in the matter and she nodded her head.
"Okay, good." She looked uncomfortable again, like someone just told her they'd hang a fifty pound bag of pressure around her neck now if she didn't mind. "Great." She nodded her head once and stood up, avoiding all eye contact with Ellie. "I should…" She pointed to the door and Ellie just nodded again. She tried to open her mouth once, but her vocal chords seemed to have eloped.
She watched as CJ made her way to the door, hoping against all hope that she'd turn, say something, do something, anything.
But as she reached the door and turned down the handle, Ellie found her legs to be working well enough to help her turn away. She just didn't want to see her leave, no matter how stupid it sounded.
"I'll…" Her head turned on its own accord as she heard CJ's voice from the doorway. "See you tomorrow, I guess."
"Yeah…" Her voice was barely audible and she forced her head back to hide those tears that refused to be pushed back any longer.
There was some hesitation from the doorway before the heavy wooden door closed and Ellie's hand ploughed knuckles first into the hard mahogany of her drawer.
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Thank you for reading:)