EB Games Tech Support
Chapter 13

"I am so fucking confused…words cannot express this." Dhaos said, looking at the—now clean—sphere.

"Look, don't ask questions, and we don't have to have answers." Randal explained.

"Yeah…but…no…just…why?'

"What's going on?" Yazoo said chewing on the end of a pen until it broke splattered all over Sephiroth. He looked sheepishly at Sephiroth, who was looking ready to murder his ass.

"Cless gave birth to a dragon ball, it seems…" Heero stated, cleaning the glass case for the fourth time due to his ever so slight OCD case. Why Heero was still there was beyond everyone's understanding; but they didn't complain. No one complains in the presence of Heero.

"Run that by me again?" Yazoo blinked slowly.

"Yes…A dragon ball."

"And I missed this? Son. Of. A. Bitch." He stomped his foot, over pronouncing his words.

"Dude, it wasn't pleasant." Randal snorted, "more frightening than anything…but kind of expected really…I knew Cless and Cloud were fuck buddies."

"WAIT! This is impossible! IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Okay 'Vegeta' what's impossible?" Dhaos looked at Sephiroth who'd outburst in such a manner.

"It could not possibly have been Cloud's fault! Cloud's the bitch!"

"Divine Conception?"

"…Why the hell would God pick Cless over say, Reno? I mean he's girly enough to pass off and he's a better option than Cless!"

Reno's voiced echoed from the back room (where he eats and sleeps because he's probably homeless):"HEY!"

"God's a douche." Randal shrugged.

"Not according to Dogma. That God was pimp…it was just you that sucked." Sephiroth smirked.

"Fuck you man. I was a gun clerk, I know what weapons to buy to kill you." Randal threatened ineffectually.

"You know, that would really fucking suck. So be all powerful and shit and get killed by a pansy little 9 millimeter."

"Back to the question at hand. Just how the fuck did the dragon ball even get …there?"

"Some one either played a sick magical joke, or Cless and Cloud have a very fucked up sex life." Randal replied.

"Oh just fuck me, would you quit with all the gay referencing here? Keep it straight!" Dhaos sighed.

"You know, the Gay community is going to toast you like bread for saying that."

"Ah, what the fuck to do I care? The NAACP wants me dead anyway."

"You know," Sephiroth suggested, "I think it's something else entirely."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I think it's worse than divine conception, or Cloud and Cless being weirdos. It's the beginning of something even worse!!"

"What, you mean a plot?" Dhaos suggested.

"YES! A PLOT!"

"Holy shit, I was right?"

"YES! It makes perfect sense! We're having a bullshit plot thrown in as an afterthought! It always happens like this."

"Dude, you realize that plots don't just 'pop in' in real time right?"

"Real time? Dude, we've spent the last thirteen days in a store that doesn't close and has a broken clock. There is no real time." Randal snorted.

Sephiroth shook his head, "I'm serious guys. I think this is the beginning of something greater. I think we're supposed to find all the dragon balls!"

"Great…that's just fucking wonderful…It's bad enough we have to work in this hell hole, now we have to hunt dragon balls?"

"Could be worse." Cloud shrugged.

"I WILL NEVER WALK RIGHT AGAIN!" Cless wailed.

"…I see what you mean."

Yazoo sighed, "I guess this means I will have to get out my handy dandy-"

"NOTEBOOK!" Reno cut in loudly and Yazoo smashed him in the gut with an elbow.

"No, you dumb fuck," Yazoo replied smacking him once more with a rolled up magazine. "I mean my handy dandy dragon ball Radar."

"What the hell? You have one?" Dhaos' mouth hung open a little.

"Tch, yeah."

"Where'd you get that?" Sephiroth asked, "Oh god don't tell me you pulled that out of your ass too."

"I was going to…but I think we've gotten enough disturbing action out of Cless giving birth, besides….I don't like pain."

"Pansy."

"Oh, go shit a dragon ball."

"Your mom!" Sephiroth clasped his hand over his mouth upon the realization that Yazoo was also a product of 'mother'. "I'm sorry, mother." He said feebly.

And somewhere from the depths of the refrigerator, in a glass pickle jar, a sliver of Jenova's liver radiated the telepathic message of: "You bastard son!"

"What the hell people, get with it. We have a mission!" Randal said in mock enthusiasm.

"Mission?" Heero's ears perked and his brain shut off and went on autopilot.

"Yes, Heero. We're looking for the ninth world wonder. We NEED to find it. It's life or death." Dhaos whispered and before he could pronounce the 'th' sound on the last letters of 'death', Heero was gone.

"Do you think he'll find it?"

"He's Heero. He'll find it."

"….There is no ninth world wonder…." Randal blinked.

"Heero will find it anyway."

"Guuuuuuuys." Yazoo came barreling back into the room, because apparently he had left and no one noticed it. "There's a new game out!"

"Ooh! Is it Dead or Alive 46?"

"…That's next week numb nuts…. But seriously… I don't know whether to kill the creators or myself!"

"That bad eh?"

"It's worse than a Naruto/One Piece/Death Note cross over."

"Oh…bad."

"Yeah… It's called Final Fantasy 7 remake."

Sephiroth scowled and threw an Xbox at Yazoo, because we all know that's all Xboxes are useful for.

"Kidding! Actually, it's a Sonic game."

"Oh no… say it isn't so…" Dhaos gasped.

"Oh yes…Sonic Shuffleboard."

"I guess Mario couldn't have all of the fun." Randal sighed, picking up the phone that had been ringing in the background for last four days. Persistent bastard. "What?"

'Can you tell me the cheat code for unlocked the secret weapons in Soul Caliber III?'

"What the hell? Who do you think this is, Game Stop?!"

'….Actually….Game Stop bought out EB Games, man.'

"WELL NOT US. Because we protest the greater of society. Victim of corporation sellout we are NOT. We're the last of the EB Games! And stand shamefully and lazily we fucking will! To hell with Game Stop! Can you jackhammer PS3s in a Game Stop? Or look at porn? Or sell your soul to SATAN. No sir you cannot. And we don't give out cheat codes here you lazy gamer. That's what the Internet cheat code sites are for. We, here at EB Games, exist to demean you and make you feel small and insignificant. Our goal in life is to not give a shit. So what do you have to say about that?!"

'…Well can you help me in World of Warcraft?'

Click, said the phone.

"World of Warcraft is the end of conversationalism."

"That isn't a word Randal."

"To hell with you, gay boy!" Randal threw a roll of paper towels at Cloud.

"Oh, guys did you hear that they're opening a Suncoast across the way? We'll be able to see it from out front window. Movies ga-fucking-lore." Sephiroth sounded giddy.

"Hey…I heard it was a Claire's…"

"You're both wrong." Reno grinned, coming from the back of the store with a smile that could scare small children away. "It's a Spencer's."

"Spencer's? NO fucking way?!"

"Oh yes way."

"Nothing better than a store that carries Boob coffee mugs and penis enlargers." Dhaos spoke as if nothing was wrong with that sentence. At all. And there isn't. Because everyone loves coffee mugs with Boobs. Right?

…No?

Liar.

"That's relief…" Randal breathed. "Claire's has about eighty percent of my soul."

"Why?"

"Everyone knows if you walk into Claire's you forfeit a portion of your soul. I made the mistake of walking in there once. I was drunk and thought the shiny objects were fish."

"Never mind…don't tell me more. I don't want to know."

"We should go over to Spencer's when it's opened." Yazoo suggested.

"What about the dragon balls?"

"Oh…that's right. Inane plot device. Damn it. Isn't there a way to get around it?"

Dhaos thought a moment and snapped his fingers when the idea hit him. "I know! We'll teach ourselves to fly in one episode, then we'll travel around the world in half an hour, battling Dinosaurs to get to the precious over sized marbles."

"The sarcasm is almost painful."

"Actually I was serious, Sephiroth."

"Really? Awesome!"

"Wait a minute..." Reno blinked, "Sephiroth can already fly! That's not fair!"

"I can fly too you numb nuts." Dhaos threw a CD case at the red head. "But the more important matter here is that we must find a way around this 'plot' device."

"Plot devices can't be beaten, my friend." Randal waved his finger, as if he seriously knew what the hell he was talking about. Which meant he probably didn't know what he was talking about. But he's Randal. He's funny. So we forgive him.

"Says who?"

"Says GOD." Randal snorted, as if the answer was that obvious.

"You don't even believe in god!"

"Well today I do for the sake of my argument. But seriously man, beating a plot device would take more time than actually going along with it! Unless it's Dragon Ball Z. Then there's no fucking hope in the world. I'm thinking maybe the whole universe WAS supposed to die in that series...It'd probably be the only way that series would ever end. I mean fuck. After a three year long day goes by you'd think they'd hang up the towel and say fuck it. I'm thinking it would have been more merciful for that apeshit pink blob of a villain to just fuck up existence. Hell, I think it was pimp that he could turn things into candy and eat them. I bet you'd taste great as a candy." Randal said to Reno.

"Are you hittin on me?"

Randal shook his head and popped a donut peice in his mouth. "Nah, I'ma wait until you get your sex change. Then I'm totally for it. You'd make a hot fucking chick, man." He snorted and popped another donut peice. "But that's all beside the point. The point is, we're being instructed by an unknown force that we can't see, to do things we don't want to. We don't get to say 'no', man."

"Oh my god...we're being puppeteered by fnfiction writers aren't we!" Cloud gasped.

"That must be it!" Shrieked Cless.

Randal smacked Cless and Cloud with a large paper fan, "No you numb nuts! I'm talking about God again! Get with the program!"

"Actually...I think they were probably closer to the truth...Since God doesn't exist and all."

"Since when do you agree with Blonde Fuck Thing One and Blond Fuck Thing Two? Dhaos, I always thought you were the smartest one of this bunch!"

"Come on...is it that hard to believe? I mean have you LOOKED at the internet? There's a lot of crazy people on there!"

"Yeah! And there's a lot of porn too! But does that make a damn bit of difference?!"

"...Actually..."

"Fuck you, man."

"I do get what you mean. Maybe if we finish this 'plot' fast...we can go back to doing nothing and getting recognition for it."

"We don't get recognition..." Sephiroth corrected.

"FINE. We can go back to NOT getting recognition. Is that what you wanted to hear? You whiny bitch." Dhaos frowned and threatened Sephiroth with a spork.

"But...how can we complete this task...This means we'll have to actually leave the store! I'm not equipped for life outside this twenty by thirty box stacked with shit video games on all sides! This is my very existence." Yazoo spoke with a bit of distain for his pitiful means of existing. "And before you call me a drama queen, I just stole the fucking words out of Sephiroth's mouth!"

"You tattle tale-ing whore." The silver haired fangirl plaything balled up his fist.

"Don't hurt me..." Yazoo whimpered.

"Oh knock it off. Both of you have been outside the store before. You're just being lazy."

Sephiroth and Yazoo looked at each other and nodded in agreement. Yazoo turned to face Randal. "Yup...you're right. We are."

"So hypothetically speaking, we could just wait until all of the Dragon Balls come to us." Reno snapped his fingers.

"You realize that...probably isn't a bad idea..." Randal nodded. "That we we can accomplish being lazy, while not accomplishing our mission. So it's like we're successfully sucking at life."

"We were doing that already." Dhaos coughed.

"So...what do we do now?" Reno said, hopping atop the counter to grab Randal's bag of donuts.

"..That's a good fucking question. While I know we should be doing our jobs...that just doesn't sound like something I really want to do."

"Work never is, Randal." Elias said, coming out of viritually Bumfuck Nowhere.

"Could be worse...you could be working at a Burger King." Yazoo pointed out.

"Depends on if I get free food...Then again...if I'm going to work in fast food, I at least want to work at McDonalds. I want to be able to viably say that I kill people a little more every day just by doing my job...Of course...I could just work in a tobacco shop or sell Cocaine or Heroin."

"Or sell Satanic Bibles." Yazoo added.

"That's not lethal." Sephiroth frowned.

"Try selling it to Christains. See how lethal it is. Because apparently it's okay to kill in the name of God."

"Oh...then next time I kill someone, I'll just say it was the will of God." Dhaos chuckled. "And I will probably get away with it too."

"It depends on who you're killing." Randal added.

"Martha Stewart and OJ."

"Oh, okay, then you're totally justified. But if you like, went after Oprah or Mother Teresa, then you're just a jackass."

Reno jumped back and gasped, "Are you MAD! Oprah is a DRAGON man. I'm telling you, she's got more HP than all of us combined and she knows the most super powerful ultra dangerous, instant defeat bombtastic spell ever invented! She knows 'Middle Age Woman Wrath'. There is no defeating that. It's like a plot device. Unkillable. Not to mention, she can summon the Pope. Yes, the Pope. Her power is that Supreme. I'm telling you, she's the true Boss battle man. No creator is daring enough to design her into a game. The only opposing power in this universe that can combat with her is Chuck Norris."

"Dude, you need to take a chill pill." Randal snatched his donut bag back. "While you are correct, you still need to take a chill pill."

"Holy fuck...Straight ahead guys. Someone brave enough to come in here with the intent to buy something!" Exclaimed Sephiroth, pointing to a young woman who almost got her ass kicked by the front door that kept swinging back into her.

"Excuse me, uh...ma'am...I think you're in the wrong store..." Randal coughed lightly. The girl looked like she wouldn't know shit about anything other than a nonfiction novel, let alone the new age video game systems.

"No...no no...I think I'm in the right store."

"Okay...what are you looking for?"

"Uh...I'm looking for a game...for my brother." She said in a small voice. "It's called Halo 3...I think."

Everyone looked at each other an contemplated actually selling this poor chick such an obnoxious game. Dhaos stepped up first. "You know...you could always find a big pile of dog shit to stuff into a CD case and it'll be just like giving him the original." He blurted before he could catch himself. He was actually aiming, like everyone else, to sell that last copy they had in the store. So for the first time ever they could actually be telling the truth when they said they were sold out. "I mean...Yeah...we have the last copy."

"You do?"

"Yeah, but we're only trading sex for it." Randal said nonchalantly before he choked on his cigarette after realizing what he said and then remembering that he stopped smoking. "I mean...fuck...we're terrible sales people. "Look, here's the deal...we need to find these things...they're called Dragon Balls. You bring us one and we'll give you the game."

The girl suddenly looked up angrily, her clever disguise of a weak little girl dropped, "you will give me the game now."

Everyone froze.

"Aw fuck...you're..."

"FIREBALL!" She screamed and blew up half the store. She darted to the last copy of the game and shamefully.

"You know...you didn't have to lie!" Randal shouted through coughs. "We wouldn't have thought less of you...okay...yes we would have...but fuck. Next time come up with a good disguise!"

"Yeah...like Cloud, " Sephiroth called.

"Guys, she's gone." Yazoo pointed.

"But why the fuck does Lina Inverse want Halo 3? And why did she have to go sorcerer Bitch on us? You know how long it's going to take to clean this fucking mess?" Dhaos said holding out his arms dramatically.

"Since we don't clean...it'll take something of a hundred years..." Sephiroth giggled.

"Dude, don't giggle. It's gay."

"WHOA! Guys! My Dragon Ball Radar is going off!" Yazoo gasped, and waved his arms frantically. "It's beeping faster! Holy crap! Where's it coming fro-". He looked up to see none other than Laura Croft come through the half charred store door, probably after Dhaos's head for distributing porn of her to hundreds of websites. He looked down at the radar again and blinked. "Whoa...actually there are two Dragon Balls and they're real closer together! Where are they-"

Everyone looked at Laura, except Dhaos, who was hiding under a broken peice of ceiling.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Randal gaped.

"Look, I know she had some nice polygons but..." Yazoo said lowly.

"How the fuck are we going to get those Dragon Balls! I'm not getting arrested for feeling up Laura Croft's breasts!" Sephiroth whispered.

"Well...whose stupid enough to feel up the Tomb Raider?" Randal asked. Everyone paused and looked over slowly at Reno.

"...Oh come on..." Reno whined.

To be Continued...

Leo: sorry for the long wait guys. I just still can't believe that people like this fic XD