BE WARNED: This is PURELY comedy, there is in NO shape and form a REAL plot, there is massive cross overage (mainly FFVII and Tales of Phantasia) But there MAY be instances where characters are bashed on, scenarios where games and their content or morbidly bashed, but I have to say if you can't laugh at the things you like, then you don't like them enough! This is co-written by a friend and myself in an alternating patter chapter one is mine and two will be his and so forth! Further more ENJOY!
Xo EB Games Tech Support oX "Hello, this is the tech support hotline, you may call me Sephiroth, what can I do for ya?"
Chapter ONE
"Dude… seriously, try NOT to sound so …fucking happy. It's scary…"
"Well what am I supposed to say, Dhaos?"
The two super villains stood in their office head quarters, which is really only the back room of an EB Games, and pondered upon how to go about running a video game tech support without sounding like washed up failures.
"Say what I always say!"
"And what's that, oh mighty Blonde one?"
"Hush about my hair or I'll crack on yours," Two blue eyes shot a warning look as the super villain picked up the phone nearly ringing off the hook. He covered the mouthpiece momentarily. "Okay THIS is how you answer a phone call." He spoke again however this time to the person at the other end of the phone. "EB Games Tech Support, you may call me God, what do you want? Stupid questions, might I remind you, are punishable by death."
Dhaos motioned to Sephiroth to grab the other phone to listen in. He readily retrieved the second phone and carefully listened in.
"Well you see…I'm having a bit of a problem…My game won't work and I just don't know WHAT to do!"
"Okay…Have you tried cleaning the disk?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Have you tried blowing the dust out of the inside of the platform?"
"Yes?"
"Are you sure all of the cables are plugged in?"
"Uh huh…"
"Is your TV, by ANY chance, on?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, okay, well what kinda of game is it?"
"It's an X-box game…"
"Hmmm…American platform…Eh…"
"I just don't know WHAT to do! No matter WHAT I tried this game just would NOT register in my Play station 2!
Dead Silence.
"I'm hanging up on you…." Without waiting for a response the blonde god-like villain hung the phone back on its base. "Okay that wasn't a very good example…"
"Feh, Pathetic humans…"
"They are a stupid lot aren't they?"
"Hey are you guys done moping in the break room, we have like twenty people in the store and the floor has not yet been mopped!" Yazoo, who was a striking look alike to Sephiroth walked in giving both of them the arced eyebrow.
"I'm NOT mopping the floor, that's Cless's job. Or was it Cloud's? Feck, I don't know any more."
"They're molding into one person I swear."
"Hey it's not THEIR fault they look like they completely visually ripped each other off."
"I could SO alter that and make that sound incredibly dirty."
"Dhaos, you're a freak you know that?"
"Indeed."
"Hello! Come on you two! I NEED assistance!"
Grumbling, the two follow. Walking out to face the mass of brain dead teenagers who really have lost more brain cells than a Play Station Three costs in Dollars.
"I have a question." Sephiroth suddenly spoke, looking at his assistant/co worker if you could call it that.
"Shoot." The blonde replied.
"How is it that super villains like us always lose? I mean what the fuck? How could the both of us lose to a kid that, before we destroyed their homes to nothing, were like chicken ass pansies that really had no skills, could not hold a sword properly to save their lives, hell even lacked the knowledge of doing any REAL attack, yet they STILL manage to get stronger in such a short period of time, when if you think about it we would have gotten stronger too, not to mention we have the inhuman advantage, and several forms of which we can take to ensure our victory, yet no matter what we do, or even how obvious and easily avoidable the attack is we STILL have to eat all of our well thought out threats when we take the final hit and secure victory to the hands of the enemy, then generally we have to DIE but since we're so bad ass we keep coming back, yet THEY still retain the victory, and yet even though they WON, they still have to go about acting angsty and dwelling on all the bad shit and what not, and why on earth do WE, the obviously more powerful ones have to face defeat in the first place, let alone by THEM?"
"Sephiroth…"
"What?"
"I just want you to know, that I stopped listening to you about two minutes ago…"
"Dhaos…"
"Yes?"
"You can kiss my ass, you jerk off."
"Hey will you two come help us stock the new Final Fantasy 16?" Another Sephiroth look alike, by the name of Kadaj grumbled clearly not all too pleased that he had to participate at all.
"There's a Sixteen?" Sephiroth's mouth hung open as he inspected the cover.
"Apparently…Feh, but at least you people know what order your games go in…Our Tales games don't even get a numerical order….Hell all I know is that Phantasia came first…" Cless, the 'good guy, Cloud look alike' mumbled at the very fact that he was working at a fecking EB Games.
"Yeah, but at least you guys get cool names…We're just Final Fantasy…" The silver haired villain rolled his eyes.
"Could be worse…"
"How so Dhaos?"
"You could be pixilated."
"Yeah but you got an anime!"
"So did you!"
"Yeah but yours was four episodes in comparison to one!"
"Yeah well you got THREE Discs for your game!"
"Well you got a cartridge, a Play station version AND a ROM, with a kick ass translation!"
"You got a CGI movie!"
"Well YOU got a voice actor in your game and on a SNES no less, with a REAL opening theme with WORDS in it!"
"Your damn theme song is in Latin! LATIN! That doesn't compare!"
"Well you got more spells than I do!!"
"Well you can actually USE a sword!"
"My main enemy had a blonde spike of hair that gives people seizures!"
"My main enemy is a chicken ass little pansy!"
"You didn't have your main character dress in DRAG in your game!"
"You didn't have to listen to an obnoxious overly peppy song, ironically titled 'Happy happy!'"
"Ack…Uh, you actually had people feel sorry for you at the end of the game!!"
"You got to go completely INSANE! I didn't!"
"YOU didn't run around obsessing over 'MOTHER'!"
"…That tops it, dude, you win…"
"So HA!"
"You do realize that you just told me that my game is better than yours right? Thus making me better than you…" The blonde smirked.
"What? I di- …FUCK!"
Sephiroth silently glared at Dhaos, who was too busy doing a mental victory dance to take much notice. Both of them however looked up when a handful of teenagers walked in. Sighing they both took their places behind the counter, sporting nametags that read: 'EB Games Assistant Manager Sephiroth', and 'EB Games Manager, Fuck yourself and Die human.'
"Dude, Heero is gonna fire you ass if you don't fix your name tag…"
"So? Let him fire me." Dhaos snorted.
"This job is protecting you from rabid fan girls…"
"I have rabid fan girls?"
"Apparently so."
"Feck."
"Uh guys, I'm taking a fifteen minute break!" Cloud called hauling ass toward the door.
"WHY?"
"Someone just called me and told me Chun Li demolished my Buick with her legs!" He pulled off his nametag and threw it on the counter, not willing to let any one who didn't NEED to see it be aware he worked at a fecking EB Games.
"You have a Buick?" Kadaj blinked. "Brother, you're a lamer."
"I'm NOT your brother half pint!" Cloud finalized as he ran out.
"Eh, looks like that back or teenagers is heading toward us…" Sephiroth sighed.
"Do us all a favor Seph, DON'T monologue them to death, how about this let ME talk and you can answer the phone."
"Fine fine, whatever…put ME on Tech Support…You asked for it buddy."
XxX
I hope you enjoyed that somewhat XDDD! My horrible humor sometimes makes me sad XD!