The Marauder's Map

Lucius

a/n hoohohohohoho!!! MUAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! a few peeps have wanted lucius insulted … so TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DIE LUCY … lucy??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok … excuse your wonderful writer's blabbering and evil laughing. ok … so here it is!!! lalalalalalala … prances around with utter glee …

disclaimer: I don't own harry potter. :(

also, this idea was VERY ORIGINAL. I did not copy from anyone or get ideas, well I guess I did, coz this came (NOW THIS IS A VERY MINOR SPOILER HERE - from the third book when it insults snape ….) ah well.

oh, I don't own anything excuse my insults. AND … Ok, I know the map is supposed to go to Filch, but I couldn't resist doing Filch quickly. Don't you pplz worry, it'll find its way back into the Confiscated and Highly Dangerous thingy one day!!

Sirius bounced up and down, thinking of all the pranks he could pull off. Thinking of one, he scooped up everything he had obtained from Filch's drawers and scurried to his dorm.

Then it clicked. He finally remembered the password. Groaning, he muttered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Ink lines started to appear.

Looking closer, Sirius saw that the marauders were outside lying down by the lake.

Breaking into a nasty grin, he said, "Mischeif managed!" and tapped the map. "But not quite," he muttered.

Grabbing some pink paint (their dorm was filled with all different weird things), the map and James's (a/n If a name ends with S like James, do we write James's or James's??) invisibility cloak, he made his way down to the lake.

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Lucius swore as he was suddenly knocked down.

"Watch it you dirty little mud-" He stopped and looked around. There was no one to shout at.

He glared around the lake, only to see a group of stupid Hufflepuff girls, probably most of them Mudbloods, and at the lake's edge, idiots Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew.

Suddenly a piece of parchment seemed to drop out of thin air a little bit in front of him.

"What the hell is this?"

He picked it up and scowled at it. it was a normal piece of parchment, looking a little battered and wrinkly.

Lucius twitched his nose in annoyance. He could get his hands dirty if he kept touching this! Nevertheless, he pocketed it, wanting to find out what it was later in privacy.

Looking across the lake, he saw three Mudblood buckets of pink paint hovering over three of the Marauders, then suddenly tilt and splatter on them.

Lucius smirked as he saw them all jump up and down shouting, "PADFOOT!" The blood-traitor.

He blinked. Was Potter strangling the air? He smiled evilly. He knew he always needed to go to St. Mungo's.

Standing up, he strode off to the Slytherin Common Room to identify the mysterious parchment.

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Lucius frowned. A mere Year One Slytherin girl was sitting on his chair.

"Get off midgit!" he scowled at her.

In shock, she tumbled off in fright, allowing him to sit by the empty fireside.

"Now …"

He took his magnificent black wand out and started tapping and flourishing it at the paper.

Yet nothing worked.

Muttering darkly, he decided to talk, then realised if people thought he often talked to unanimous objects they might think he was a bit strange.

Making his decision, cloak billowing (a/n sound familiar anyone?? hoho –hinthint nudgenudge think of a certain oily black hair and big nosed git), he swept up the stairs into his dormitory.

Slytherin had qutie a few Year 7 boys, but Lucius, being the best, richest, greatest-looking and well-connected, had made himself with magic, a larger room – entered through a portrait in the dorm – with drapery and expensive decorations where only he could enter.

He gracefully sat in a chair, dusting himself off, and then picked up the parchment.

Taking out his wand, he tapped it and said, "Reveal your inner secrets to me, Lucius Malfoy!"

To his surprise, words started to snake their way onto the parchement.

Mr Padfoot would like to give his greatest disgust to Mr Malfoy.

Lucius's mouth fell open in shock. No one defied him, yet here was a piece of parchment, insulting him!

Mr Prongs is deeply disgusted that the paper has been touched by foul hands.

Mr Moony is deeply shocked that Mr Malfoy has picked up something more than a year old.

Lucius's hand twitched, and using to fingers, put it on a table.

Mr Wormtail currently is barfing because Mr Malfoy is standing in the parchment's presence.

Mr Padfoot is extrememly sad that Mr Malfoy is here.

Mr Prongs would like to state that Mr Malfoy is an ugly git. This insult has been used many times, but it it extrememly effective.

Mr Moony has a feeling that Mr Malfoy's parents were probably trolls.

Mr Wormtail would like to agree. That must be the reason for his ugliness.

Mr Padfoot would dearly love to barf on Mr Malfoy the Girl's shoes. Mr Padfoot would like Mr Wormtail to barf on Mr Malfoy's right now.

Mr Prongs would like to spit on Mr Malfoy's shoes.

Mr Wormtail would dearly love to but must remind Mr Padfoot that this is a piece of parchment.

Mr Moony would love to break Mr Malfoy's nose.

Mr Padfoot feels that Mr Malfoy should not be called Mr Malfoy anyway because he feels Mr Malfoy should be called Mr Idiot.

Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Padfoot and would like to start again. Greetings, Mr Idiot.

Mr Wormtail would also like to greet Mr Idiot by wearing poisonous gloves and shaking Mr Idiot's hand.

Mr Moony has an inkling suspicion that Mr Idiot is a very big idiot.

Mr Padfoot has an inkling suspicion that Mr Idiot cut off his manhood to prove that he is a prettyboy.

Mr Prongs agrees sincerely, and also thinks that Mr Idiot picked some disgusting flower like rotten flowers to put there instead.

Mr Wormtail does not know what the others are talking about and will say instead that Mr Idiot needs to lose 300 kilos.

Mr Moony feels that reminding Mr Idiot that he is a loner and has no friends, only people who hate his inner and outside being.

Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Idiot that is a stuckup, ignorant, bloody stupid, idiotic, pimply, chicken-pox freak, drug addicted, moron-like, demented, extremely git-like, bratty, whingy, cowardy, sooky, damn cracked up, mentally retarded, discombobulated, freaky, snobby, a follower and bullying toerag.

Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Padfoot heartily.

Mr Moony agrees, but would like to state that Mr Malfoy is an ass, blockhead, cretin, donkey, dimwit, ox, dumbbell, dunce, dunderhead, twit, half-wit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, jerk, kook, meathead, mental defective, moron, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, pinhead, pointy head, simpleton, stupid, tomfool, twit and a yo-yo.

Mr Wormtail would like to ask why Mr Idiot is a fun and little Muggle toy.

Mr Moony would like to shake his head and answer Mr Wormtail by stating the fact that a yo-yo can be described to people as an idiot.

Mr Padfoot would like to continue to drone on. Mr Idiot is also an animal, appalling, awful, bad-looking, beast, deformed, disfigured, dog, dogface, foul, frightful, grisly, gross, grotesque, grungy, hag-like, hard-featured, hideous, homely, horrid, ill-favored, loathsome, misshapen, monstrous, pig, plain, plug, repelling, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, unbeautiful, uncomely, uninviting, unlovely, unprepossessing, unseemly, unsightly and disgustingly ugly.

Mr Prongs would like to join in the fun of comparing Mr Idiot to idiot names. Mr Prongs feels all these emotions when he sees/hears Mr Idiot: abhorrence, abomination, anathema, animosity, animus, antagonism, antipathy, aversion, bete noire, bother, detestation, disgust, dislike, dog-eye, enmity, execration, frost, grievance, gripe, hatred, horror, hostility, ill will, irritant, loathing, malevolence, malignity, mislike, nuisance, objection, odium, pain, rancor, rankling, repugnance, repulsion, resentment, revenge, revulsion, scorn, shudders, spite, trouble and venom.

Mr Wormtail admits that he cannot think of so many words so would settle with stating the fact that he would love to pulverise Mr Idiot into a million pieces.

Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Idiot that he is a bludgeon, a bluster, a browbeat, a buffalo, a bulldoze, a coerce, a cow, a despotize, a domineer, a dragoon who harasses, hectors, jackboots, a damn ugly menace that oppresses, overbears, persecutes, pushes around innocent kiddies, a showboat who swaggers, terrorizes, threatens, torments, tortures and tyrannizes. All in all, Mr Padfoot hates Mr Idiot with a fiery passion.

Mr Moony would like to stop with this and simply tell Mr Idiot to stop reading this parchment and get his smelly behind up and moving and away from here.

Mr Prongs would like to kick Mr Idiot right now, but feels that should be saved for another time so for now he would like to simply tell Mr Idiot to shove his big and hairy face out of the picture.

Mr Wormtail would like to say farewell to the abominable, repulsive, vile, detestable, awful and hideous Mr Idiot now.

Mr Padfoot would like to finish this off now and bids the idiotic Mr Idiot farewell.

Lucius stared at the parchment. His face was very pink and splotchy.

Grabbing the parchment, he swept off to find a teacher to report to. No one got away with insulting Lucius Malfoy!

No offence to ppl who do need to lose 300 kilos though. No offence to those with pimples, I just think it'd be funny to see him with dots on his perfect porcelain face. Also no offence to donkeys. lol. Get ready for the next chapter peeps!!